Boyfriend trapped with parents - what should I do?

[SarahPickles]

Three years ago a colleague and I fell in love. He is the most decent, caring, loyal, honest, kind man. The man I waited all my life to meet. He is 56 and I am 60, we are single, and we want to spend the rest of our lives together.

I own a house with ample space for him. But he lives with his parents because they are frail and elderly. He works as a clerk close to the house (in case they need him). All the rest of his time he is their (unpaid) carer, cook, cleaner, nurse, chauffeur, housekeeper, gardener and handyman.

We've spent a lot of time together at work, during breaks, plus about 6 hours during the weekend. He is always "on call" on his mobile. That means no trips away, no holidays and he can never stay at mine because we live 20 miles apart and he can't leave them alone all night.

I have nagged him to demand they give him more time off. They stubbornly refuse every suggestion. Won't hire anyone ("can't afford it/don't want strangers in the house") or apply for carer's allowance ("We'd never sponge off the State"), or allow any outside agency to get involved. They vow never to go into a home.

Their answer to everything is "We've got you. We don't need anyone else. You'll have your freedom when we're dead".

You could say they are holding him prisoner, partly emotional blackmail and partly dangling their £500k house equity as his eventual "payment" for years of unpaid labour. So he is trapped until they both die. That could be another 10 or 20 years.

I asked him to move in with me, (and marry me, so he inherits my house and savings) and force them to get carers' allowance to pay him and others to visit and look after them. But the State won't pay enough to cover 24 hour care, plus there is the neverending DIY he currently does. Plus he'd feel awful for abanoning them. So that is a "no".

I have retired and no longer see him daily at the office. So we are reduced to meeting for about 6 hrs a week. I have to drive 20 miles and sit in cafes, or pay for a hotel room (£80). Or he visits me for a couple of hours, and sits with one eye on his mobile in case they ring.

I feel fed up, aggrieved, lonely and hopeless about our future. He promises we WILL be together but I cannot pursue the question "when?" because that means speculating on when his parents will die, which is deeply distasteful. He admits that his mother could outlive him. I asked, "Where does that leave us?" His reply: "I'm trapped. I can't walk away, can I? I am sure it will sort itself out in the end."

I've thought hard about selling my gorgeous, unique home in a lovely area of a lovely town and moving to his (grotty) town and having to start all over again. My best friend said NO absolutely do NOT uproot yourself and lose your home and friends etc for a man who doesn't even have the balls to stand up to his parents. Even if I did, he still would not be able to move in with me. It would only remove the 40 mile round trip to meet up. I'd be paying a huge price for that.

Should I settle for a handful of hours a week with him, because he's my "ideal man", even if this isn't an "ideal situation"?

Or should I nag him to stand up to them and insist things change? Is it unethical to make demands, when they genuinely need him and I am self sufficient?

What do others do in this situation?

I'm overwhelmed with the questions and the clarifications that are needed. I now realise it's not possible to respond to every post.

Reading all the replies makes me see that a major problem is the parents rigid prejudice against asking for State help. They have two state pensions and my boyfriend's small income, and all of this is swallowed up by living expenses, shared 3 ways.

There is no spare money to hire people in. These people charge a fortune. I mean, just four hours cleaning costs £60 and they'd need someone in at least twice a week. Then gardener, handyman etc. These people charge a lot (I know, I hire them all the time!) They just don't have the cash. So he is forced to do it.

If there was some way he could persuade them to apply for benefits, then the next fight would be to allow strangers into the house. That is two major battles, to be fought by one easygoing, laid back, "weak" man, against two hard nosed, experienced manipulators. All I can do is keep encouraging him to start this process, and support him emotionally through it.

I don't understand why Mollyslips wants a detailed hour-by-hour breakdown of my b/f's daily caring routine and other daily chores like cooking, washing up, laundry. That isn't what this thread is about. My OP is about me, and whether I should nag him to do something about his situation, or shut up about it and either accept what he can offer, or stop all contact.

I am happier to have him in my life than to not have him. I just want more of it.

I think you've put your finger on it there. I think you need to assume that, for the time being and possibly indefinitely, you can't have more, so you need to decide whether to take or leave what is on offer.

That's assuming you've ruled out selling up and moving to be closer to him, which it sounds like you have. I think that would be an extremely unwise course of action.

Oliversmumsarmy

"he could have made that just by working hard and getting a job. I think he is lazy and the parents are the excuse to do as little as possible"

What a bizarre thing to say about a man who has been in full time work for 40 years without a break and who currently holds down TWO full time jobs, one of them unpaid.

Why has this thread degenerated into lies, insults and nastiness? Does that happen on all threads?

I'm going to play devil's advocate. How do you really know what his long term plans are. He may inherit, sell & buy a smaller place. Marry a younger person & have children.
Where does this leave the Op now. A convenient FWB. Where he seems to dictate the time & place, all at his convenience

"Oliversmumsarmy"

"Why are you paying for his company"?

Why are you making these bizarre accusations?

OP - you appear to be a confident, capable woman who has a full and active life with lots of friends. What you are trying to do here is apply a practical solution to an emotional problem.

If you don't want to leave him, and want to have more involvement in his life, it is time to build bridges with his parents. Invite yourself over, it's been 3 years! Tea, cake, all very civil.

You might find that he is holding you at arm's length or that they are terribly manipulative, but there are unnecessary barriers in your relationship.

I find it difficult to understand that you proposed marriage to someone and you've never even been to his house!

I don't understand why Mollyslips wants a detailed hour-by-hour breakdown of my b/f's daily caring routine and other daily chores like cooking, washing up, laundry.

You realise you're simply shooting the messenger here, don't you?

I am the same age as you and would actually welcome someone like this in my life

I have lived alone for a long time and would find a full on relationship stifling. It would be nice to have someone special to enjoy a few hours a week with.

I appreciate you want more than you are getting but I do wonder if he was suddenly free full time (as opposed to a few more hours a week and an occasional holiday) you might feel overwhelmed.

Just a different view

whether I should nag him to do something about his situation, or shut up about it and either accept what he can offer, or stop all contact.

Can you see any realistic scenario in which nagging him would have any effect? From your posts, it sounds like any reclamation of his time and freedom could only be achieved by some serious confrontation and assertiveness, and it just doesn't sound like he has it in him.

If you think an ultimatum would get you anywhere though, then you'd certainly not be unreasonable to deliver one.

Sarah don't worry about responding to every poster

(And a key Mumsnet Coping Strategy is to ignore posters who are antagonising you!)

If he works full time, then in theory he could live close by & go in to do the jobs/help that he does.

So is it all to do with him hoping to inherit the house?

Surely moving in wasn't the only option?

Was intrigued by the title of this so popped on to have a look and was truly astonished by the number of bizarre and suspicious replies... 'he has his life just how he wants it'? (being at the beck and call of aged and spoilt parents?!)... he has a secret family???.. he has you 'on a leash' (because you have phone calls throughout the day?!)

OP, you come across as extremely thoughtful, fair minded, articulate and clever (and to those who wonder why that is relevant, it is because it makes me very much inclined to believe her opinion of this man, whom none of the rest of us have ever met) and although the situation is not ideal at all for you or your BF, and his parents sound frankly awful, I'm shocked how many people so blithely told you to chuck him when you've told us you love him and why.

This situation with the parents is not uncommon, their stubbornness in not wanting any other help. I guess where it's unusual is in that often there are other siblings or family members to share out that responsibility, and that most sons would not do that much for their parents. He is clearly a very kind and conscientious person but it all sounds rather intense and unhealthy. They also sound spoilt and selfish.

I don't know what to advise, other than talking very honestly to him and pointing out that nothing will change unless he changes it. I wish for his sake and yours that he would start to stand up to his parents, eg telling them clearly that you are important to him and that he will be leaving them on a Saturday and overnight to spend the time with you, and that he won't be available on his mobile. I agree with a pp that counselling could be helpful. What does he feel about his relationship with his parents?

But I just wanted to give my opinion as you wanted a range. I'm glad you have a relationship with someone you love; and I hope that he will be able to develop a more healthy relationship with his parents in order to invest more in your own relationship.

Sorry for the essay

Why has this thread degenerated into lies, insults and nastiness? It's on Mumsnet.

OP, my heart really sympathises with you but my head says his parents could be around for another 15 years, if not 20. Those are your years.

@SarahPickles Show him this: www.agingcare.com/articles/controlling-elderly-parents-134529.htm

Out of interest, how important is the inheritance to your BF? Do you think there is an element of not wanting to risk it?

Hi I hope you can work things out you obviously love him very much and he feels the same...it's such a shame about this situationx.

Sorry OP, not read all posts. But I do question this opening comment of yours He is the most decent, caring, loyal, honest, kind man - I don't wish to sound mean and I don't doubt his integrity as a person, but the hard fact of the situation is that he has prioritised his parents status quo over yours and his happiness; and you do have to swallow that. Playing devils advocate OP, what would happen tomrrow if the parents devoted son had a stroke or died prematurely of a heart attack....what would they do? This is probably what would happen. They would be forced to sell up and use the £500k equity to fund a decent slug of residential care - probably in a pretty nice home of their choosing. When that money ran out they might get state funding. OR they'd stay put and use an equity release scheme (I don't like them but they have their place) to fund in home care for as long as possible.
But the hard fact of the matter is that the awkward conversations, the stand-offs, the inevitable show downs, the back lash and maybe the loss of that £500k is stopping your man from being bold and making his own life. He does not sound like a man of great personal or material wealth and loosing that promise of the £500k could be a real worry for him. However, if his parents needs progress to nursing care then that money wouldn't last long anyway. I do feel sorry for you OP. But I'd walk away now. You sound like a very very nice lady who deserves a guy you can be bold and commit and face the music. He can't.
His parents don't sound nice. I'd be interested to know if either of them cared from their respective parents to the grave....I bet not so. Complete controlling double standard.

Ok the compromise is that he does their personal care and they have to accept help with the diy in the house. He doesn't have to feel guilty about insisting on that. He will have to be assertive and tell them that the alternative is full time care.

At the moment it's easier to upset you than upset his parents. You need to make enough fuss for hime to see that a compromise is possible and desirable, or you will making waves. You can make it clear that you aren't asking for him to abandon them or move in with you, just that you get to see him more instead of him wasting his time doing unnecessary and unreasonable tasks that they can pay someone to do.

Good luck. You need to get stroppy. He can manage this but at the moment he doesn't want to negotiate the compromise.

If he refuses then you will need to accept finally that the situation won't change and be happy with what you get - or finish it.

Arghh! After posting I reread your original post and I have to eat my words...at least a little bit. Don't nag. But consider giving an ultimatum. You are not being unreasonable because they need him and you don't. They don't need HIM. They need HELP. It is completely unreasonable for him to provide their 24 hour care. He needs to set boundaries and get away from them.

Since he isn't going to budge I think you have two options here OP:

1. Tell him that you can't continue like this, waiting for his DPs to die so that he's finally 'free' to live with you. Either he does it within an agreed time frame so the two of you can have a life together, or you will reluctantly have to walk away.

OR

2. You accept the status quo. I mean, he doesn't seem all that eager to change things, but whether that's because he's been conditioned to accept this abuse as his lot or whether he's just a weak-willed man I can't tell. His DPs are certainly selfish and unreasonable, but so are lots of older people and not all their DC are living as in-house carers and skivvies.

How about the two of you go and see the CAB (which is free!), and research the alternatives. His DPs don't need to know that you're going. You'll need to make an appointment, but go and chat through options - benefits (for him too - he should be getting carers allowance or attendance allowance or whatever it's called - he's saving the govt a fortune), but also home help and nursing homes. It sounds like they are rattling around in an old house with lots of maintenance issues and would be much better off downsizing to something manageable with a small garden. If you can't bear to live without this man, FGS urge him to take control of his lot in life and stand up for himself.

Actually you cannot put a price on true love OP. Especially if this is a love that you want to spend your later years together. If it is the fear of losing inheritance that's stopping him, that'd be terribly sad. You're worth more.

SarahPickles

As you said he works as a clerk close to his parents and does an unpaid job.

If he had spread his wings and actually carved out a career he wouldn’t be in this position.

As for paying for his company. You said yourself that you are the one paying for a hotel room and doing the running around because he can’t afford to

Find your local Citizens Advice: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/about-us/contact-us/contact-us/search-for-your-local-citizens-advice/

I feel posters are looking at the situation from all angles, to try to work out why this man is being like this. It's surely better to explore this - OP may well gain more insight.

His parents sound so manipulative and unpleasant that I honestly wouldn't be surprised if - after hanging the thought of him getting the house over his head to guilt him into all these jobs, that they ended up leaving all their money to the Cats Home. That is what people like this are. Selfish, mean, and unfair.

I know I keep banging on about it but I just don't understand why you OP (who sound so together and nice) don't start losing respect for your boyfriend because he sounds woolly and feeble. Sorry, that sounds so horrible but he dismisses every single suggestion from you and he doesn't even try to make a stand.
He could start to change things slowly. Do his jobs on an evening, leave a meal in a slow cooker, and firmly tell them he is spending the whole day and night with you.

I promise I know what it's like to feel beholden to parents. But no way would I have jeopardised my marriage (even though it felt the strain)

IHateUncleJamie

"how important is the inheritance? Do you think there is an element of not wanting to risk it?"

Well there must be. I cannot go into it but through misfortune and a relationship breakup he ended up at 50 with almost no capital, a poorly paid job, and no home and so no equity. So naturally his future finances depend on the inheritance. However, if he left them and married me, he would inherit a similar amount should I predecease him. So it can't be JUST that which makes him stay. It's the blackmail.