Boyfriend trapped with parents - what should I do?

[SarahPickles]

Three years ago a colleague and I fell in love. He is the most decent, caring, loyal, honest, kind man. The man I waited all my life to meet. He is 56 and I am 60, we are single, and we want to spend the rest of our lives together.

I own a house with ample space for him. But he lives with his parents because they are frail and elderly. He works as a clerk close to the house (in case they need him). All the rest of his time he is their (unpaid) carer, cook, cleaner, nurse, chauffeur, housekeeper, gardener and handyman.

We've spent a lot of time together at work, during breaks, plus about 6 hours during the weekend. He is always "on call" on his mobile. That means no trips away, no holidays and he can never stay at mine because we live 20 miles apart and he can't leave them alone all night.

I have nagged him to demand they give him more time off. They stubbornly refuse every suggestion. Won't hire anyone ("can't afford it/don't want strangers in the house") or apply for carer's allowance ("We'd never sponge off the State"), or allow any outside agency to get involved. They vow never to go into a home.

Their answer to everything is "We've got you. We don't need anyone else. You'll have your freedom when we're dead".

You could say they are holding him prisoner, partly emotional blackmail and partly dangling their £500k house equity as his eventual "payment" for years of unpaid labour. So he is trapped until they both die. That could be another 10 or 20 years.

I asked him to move in with me, (and marry me, so he inherits my house and savings) and force them to get carers' allowance to pay him and others to visit and look after them. But the State won't pay enough to cover 24 hour care, plus there is the neverending DIY he currently does. Plus he'd feel awful for abanoning them. So that is a "no".

I have retired and no longer see him daily at the office. So we are reduced to meeting for about 6 hrs a week. I have to drive 20 miles and sit in cafes, or pay for a hotel room (£80). Or he visits me for a couple of hours, and sits with one eye on his mobile in case they ring.

I feel fed up, aggrieved, lonely and hopeless about our future. He promises we WILL be together but I cannot pursue the question "when?" because that means speculating on when his parents will die, which is deeply distasteful. He admits that his mother could outlive him. I asked, "Where does that leave us?" His reply: "I'm trapped. I can't walk away, can I? I am sure it will sort itself out in the end."

I've thought hard about selling my gorgeous, unique home in a lovely area of a lovely town and moving to his (grotty) town and having to start all over again. My best friend said NO absolutely do NOT uproot yourself and lose your home and friends etc for a man who doesn't even have the balls to stand up to his parents. Even if I did, he still would not be able to move in with me. It would only remove the 40 mile round trip to meet up. I'd be paying a huge price for that.

Should I settle for a handful of hours a week with him, because he's my "ideal man", even if this isn't an "ideal situation"?

Or should I nag him to stand up to them and insist things change? Is it unethical to make demands, when they genuinely need him and I am self sufficient?

What do others do in this situation?

I agree if he finishes work at 4 on weekdays. He has plenty of time in the evenings to cut grass, paint, DIY, cook & other chores.
So what is he really doing at weekends when he is not working ? Sleeping ? Or another hobby ?
Sounds like he is avoiding you

Dumping him won't exactly get you anywhere. Currently you have a good friend but it seems no more than that and he won't change. So, take it for what it is.

I wouldn't move, personally. What I would do is make sure I enjoy every minute of my retirement the way I want (inc 6 hours with him on occasion) and if I can see he is becoming less important to me then finish the relationship then and move on.

Thing is OP, he may well be a lovely man who is being abused by his parents, but YOU cant change that - and he doesnt have the impetus to do so. So the question is really, can you settle for what you have, because there wont be more.

I'm in my 50's and single. I would 1000x rather be single than in a relationship that makes me frustrated, unhappy and feeling second best. I have learned to protect my own feelings somewhat.

You have every right to want more from this relationship - and the fact that he is not prepared to stand up to his parents to insist that he has a life of his own would make me very unhappy, frustrated and feel very second best. I don't think you are a mug, but only he can change his situation and the fact that hes not prepared to speaks volumes. All you can do is protect yourself , you cant rescue him...

If I loved him I could live like this. The drive is doable. But, what I would want is for him to be standing up for himself more and I'd want to be a proper part of his life so his parents see you as a couple, even if you don't live together.
Many elderly people, my mother included, will be adamant they don't need help but once they have it, it integrates well and enhances their lives. They realise actually they were struggling to cope before. They can still be in charge and have things done the way they want. It isn't reasonable for your boyfriend to do absolutely everything.

He's not your ideal man.

"You'll have your freedom when we're dead"

That is a truly horrifying thing to say to a 56 year old person. Say he's there another 10 years? 20 years? Do they really want him to only be "free" to live once he's the age they are now? What kind of condition will he be in to really do anything by then, have "real freedom"? Who will look after him 24/7?

And what has religion to do with it? You said they are Christian. Where does it say that an adult son has to wait on his parents hand and foot for decades?

Because Christianity commonly teaches the importance of putting others before yourselves, and of sacrificial love, sacrificing yourself for others. This sort of teaching can be used by manipulative people. Or some people who believe it may find it difficult to put themselves first in situations like these.

The situation with the parents will just get worse as they age. It is emotional blackmail, had similar family situation with late BIL and late MIL. She thought she should have priority over his partner and while he did eventually move in with his partner he was still on call. And my OH was back up, caused all sorts of upsets. Even when carers, meals on wheels etc were involved nothing was simple, goal posts were constantly moved. Sometimes people just don’t want a solution. Wish you well but my advice is you are wasting your life.

I agree if he finishes work at 4 on weekdays. He has plenty of time in the evenings to cut grass, paint, DIY, cook & other chores.
This.
He also has time to phone OP for an hour's chat every night. Tell him that, instead, you would rather see him in person for an extra 5 hours at the weekend.

I'd go with the manipulation of him by so called Christians.

This is a very common situation. After all, in times past parents used to breed a daughter for caring duties (and indeed use older dds to care for younger siblings) and I suppose we may all be hard-wired to reject outsiders and hope for care from our offspring. And as people age (and it comes to us all) they tend to become more selfish and just can't see that their needs and wants may be ruining their (adult) child's life.

So many personal examples of both sexes. And me too. I did escape (long story) but I know plenty of people who are slaves to their elderly parent(s) and years have passed and they have found themselves middle-aged and beyond and their life wholly centred around their parent.

Regarding OP, I think others have all said the same. You need an ultimatum - a kind one. Say you understand his commitments and tie to his parents, but you need more, and want to have a really honest discussion.

Sarah I too have seen this first hand. I live in a very rural area, it is not unusual for children to still be living with their parents when they are in their 30's and beyond if not married.

I dated a man who had not previously had a girlfriend. He was almost 40, lived with his parents. They disapproved of sex before marriage, were highly religious. I wasn't allowed to stay there and when he stayed at mine he pretended he had stayed elsewhere.

His sense of duty for his parents was incredible. If they wanted something, he did it. He resented them and was afraid of them but couldn't break away from them.

I totally understand what you are saying and what is happening to your DP. But I think you need to acknowledge that the situation will never change unless he wants it to. He has put up with it for years and he chooses to continue to do so out of duty and guilt.

He probably does think the world of you , but he is not able to or prepared to, change his life for you. He could employ a carer at the weekend or for an evening during the week so that he could spend time with you.

The parents are emotionally blackmailing him and he is not strong enough to stand up against them. He has let himself become trapped in this life.

He should have introduced you to his family by now and you should be able to spend time with him in his house with them.

It is an extremely unhealthy setup and will not end well, I have seen it before.

Whatever you do, do not sell your house or make any major decisions. I can understand that you want to spend more time with him, but he needs to do something to make that happen. He cannot be on call 24/7, that is just ridiculous. My gran is 94 and my parents live 20 miles away they just get there as soon as they can.

The man that I was seeing 20 years ago , is still single, still living with his parents, and I don't think he had another relationship after me. Whereas I moved on, married , had DC and bought my own home.

This man really needs to reach a compromise whereby he can get help in , or take some time off. He does not need to spend every single evening and weekend doing housework and gardening. He needs to stand up them and stop them controlling his life. They probably threaten to cut him off if he does stand up them......

Well, actually I think your life sounds pretty good. Very full and rich, and with a lovely BF. Only trouble is he's being ruthlessly exploited by his DP's. While it is a blot, it does seem to be the only blot, and on that basis I wouldn't break up with him. I'd encourage him to stand up to them. But it doesn't sound like your situation is untenable. I appreciate that's a selfish viewpoint. If your BF is really at breaking point, all you can do is be supportive. But it really is his battle to fight.

It isn’t his parents stopping him leaving it is him.

He is waiting for a £500k inheritance that may or may not materialise.

However if he had put his mind to it he could have made that just by working hard and getting a job.

I think he is lazy and the parents are the excuse to do as little as possible

Oh OP...If he can't man up and find a solution to being able to live his life at 56 there really is no hope,,,You stated he has no money to buy a house etc...why doesnt he? He won;t go against his parents demands why not It is barmy all of it.I am not suggesting he dumps then but he is far from trapped...He could if they are unable mentally initiate a care plan with lots of help for them they say no and he agrees...So obvious conclusion he doesnt want to change...He doesnt want to commit to you,if he did he would do something about it..no one or nothing would keep him away from you.He has infact got you waiting for scraps like a lap dog at a table.this is not a relationship you have...I am sorry but I agree with everyone else....his choice and he does not choose you ...let him go...for your own sanity.

Following on from what ohwell says, Christianity also teaches that marriage is a sacrament, a gift from God. I'm wondering why OP's boyfriend hasn't used this argument against his parents so that he can accept OP's offer of marriage and a life together combined with arranging care for them. As Christians, they should be pleased what's been offered to their son, spiritually speaking.
The answer is, I presume, FOG plus manipulation. But would he or they listen to a clergyperson, or would he talk to a counsellor recommended by one?
It's an age-old trope of Christian literature that self sacrifice is noble. But surely that has to be free-will sacrifice, not something that one is manipulated into? Christianity also teaches that it's wrong for anyone to consciously ruin someone else's life.
OP I think your boyfriend, nice though you say he is, really needs some pretty profound help to help him understand and unpick the situation he is in.
I am full of admiration for carers who help elderly relatives.And I know that the recommended ideal of 'share the load' is not always possible. But it sounds as if OP's boyfriend - perhaps through no fault of his own, perhaps because he doesn't really want to change - is not really trying.

Their answer to everything is "We've got you. We don't need anyone else. You'll have your freedom when we're dead".

My uncle lived like that. How old are his parents? They sound like a burden.

He finishes work at 4, and his office is just round the corner from his parent's house, so he has no long, tiring commute to contend with. I agree with others who say he could do bits and bobs each evening, then at the weekend he could do his carer's chores - the ones you say he does before he goes to work each day - and be free to spend the rest of the weekend with you. He could leave ready meals, or things for them to heat up.
I'm glad you have a full life away from him, (and don't sell your house - what if you split up!?) and you seem self-sufficient, you just want more time with your boyfriend. Could you even suggest those things to him - about doing stuff in the evening leaving weekends free, so you could go away somewhere for a nice break? How is his own health and mental health holding up considering this terrible drudgery he has to contend with?

He is fortunate to have a supportive partner in you and I can see why he refers to you as his 'lifeline'. Him talking to a charity such as Carers UK might be a helpful starting point in navigating himself away from the co-dependent relationship he has with his parents, if that is what he actually wants.

You mention in your OP about having space for him, nagging him and him inheriting from you instead of them; with the greatest of respect and I'm playing devils advocate here, he may feel he would simply be going from one co-dependent relationship with his parents to a likewise one with you, and currently feels more secure with the one he is currently in?

7 years which left me a shadow of myself, and as each year passed it became even more impossible to change anything because it was all highly functional, wasn't it? Everything was fine. I actually got on pretty well with them. We were pals. As long as everyone, including me, ignored my needs. But that was far far easier than uprooting 2 people who were vulnerable and frail and scared to death.

Absolutely, Elspeth Flashman. Everything was rosy if I was doing the Telegraph crossword, watching Emmerdale, doing the garden... but when I went to office party dm was hysterical and when I employed a gardener she was screaming that I had betrayed my father. Happy days!

@slingthegin that is a very interesting perspective - yes he may well feel like that.

"... he says that I am his lifeline, that seeing me means all the world to him, because he hates his situation so much - and the way he acts backs this up. He is a very sincere person."

He is also a little manipulative - but then, how could he not be, given his parents are master manipulators? Read what you wrote, OP - 'he says that I am his lifeline'. Whether you are or not, he has tethered you by that statement. As his parents manipulate him with guilt, so he guilts you.

And frankly, he doesn't hate it that much, or he would look to change it.

You say they are religious - has he thought to talk with their parish vicar/pastor/priest? Pretty sure there's stuff in the bible about a man leaving his parents and cleaving to a woman. Or somesuch. If he hates it so much, he'd try.

I can understand how this situation could evolve. My parents will not accept any practical help (they need it), they don’t like people calling and they would be horrified to claim any benefits even though they are entitled to and again, they need them.

My parents also think my siblings and I will get an inheritance when the house is sold when they pass when realistically we are expecting every penny to be eaten up by care costs which they are in denial about.

His problem was actually moving in with him when he was already independent although it probably sounded like a good idea at the time and now he is beholden.

they immediately, forcefully, adamantly refused to ever "sponge" as they call it, on the State

If they get a state pension and/or ever claimed Child Benefit for their son, then this excuse goes out of the window. It doesn’t sound as if your dp can get Carer’s Allowance if he works full time but his parents certainly should be eligible for Attendance Allowance. If they start banging on about not “sponging” (vile term and not very Christian of them) then all your dp needs to say is that it would help him care for them and it’s no different from their pensions or child benefit.

By never challenging their excuses, your DP is enabling his parents’ controlling behaviour. I completely understand “Honour thy Father and Mother” and the hypocrisy exhibited by “Christians” like this as my abusive mother is just the same. It’s a skewed sense of entitlement to be looked after and treat their children like servants. They will have trained their son into feeling like he’s 100% responsible for their mental and physical wellbeing. Hence people having mentioned FOG.

I’m no contact with my controlling and abusive mother and coming out of the FOG was only possible because (a) I realised that I would NEVER treat my child the way I was treated and (b) with the support of my husband who was and still is very patient with me. However, I wanted to break free of my mother and I wanted to start feeling better and having an actual life of my own.

Your DP needs to want this for himself and start taking responsibility for slowly but steadily making changes. He needs to want to find his way out of the FOG. His parents sound nasty, entitled and demanding and they don’t see him as an adult with a life of his own. How awful. I think reading about narcissistic elderly parents and getting some counselling might really help him if he wants to start having an actual life.

Unfortunately it doesn’t sound as if he wants this for himself at the moment. Hence all the excuses of “that isn’t possible”, “they won’t consider that” all the time. He’s enabling them and to a certain extent, you’re enabling him.

I think you need a long chat, face to face to see if you can get him to admit how controlling and unreasonable they’re being. I would NOT sell your home or make any similar big decisions while he’s still so deep in the FOG.

Whilst his parents might be frail now.

What I don’t understand is what was he doing 36 years ago. Why didn’t he leave and start living his own life when his parents were 40/50 years old.

Why hasn’t he got any money.

Why are you paying for his company.

Dump and run. He isn’t an ideal man