Boyfriend trapped with parents - what should I do?

[SarahPickles]

Three years ago a colleague and I fell in love. He is the most decent, caring, loyal, honest, kind man. The man I waited all my life to meet. He is 56 and I am 60, we are single, and we want to spend the rest of our lives together.

I own a house with ample space for him. But he lives with his parents because they are frail and elderly. He works as a clerk close to the house (in case they need him). All the rest of his time he is their (unpaid) carer, cook, cleaner, nurse, chauffeur, housekeeper, gardener and handyman.

We've spent a lot of time together at work, during breaks, plus about 6 hours during the weekend. He is always "on call" on his mobile. That means no trips away, no holidays and he can never stay at mine because we live 20 miles apart and he can't leave them alone all night.

I have nagged him to demand they give him more time off. They stubbornly refuse every suggestion. Won't hire anyone ("can't afford it/don't want strangers in the house") or apply for carer's allowance ("We'd never sponge off the State"), or allow any outside agency to get involved. They vow never to go into a home.

Their answer to everything is "We've got you. We don't need anyone else. You'll have your freedom when we're dead".

You could say they are holding him prisoner, partly emotional blackmail and partly dangling their £500k house equity as his eventual "payment" for years of unpaid labour. So he is trapped until they both die. That could be another 10 or 20 years.

I asked him to move in with me, (and marry me, so he inherits my house and savings) and force them to get carers' allowance to pay him and others to visit and look after them. But the State won't pay enough to cover 24 hour care, plus there is the neverending DIY he currently does. Plus he'd feel awful for abanoning them. So that is a "no".

I have retired and no longer see him daily at the office. So we are reduced to meeting for about 6 hrs a week. I have to drive 20 miles and sit in cafes, or pay for a hotel room (£80). Or he visits me for a couple of hours, and sits with one eye on his mobile in case they ring.

I feel fed up, aggrieved, lonely and hopeless about our future. He promises we WILL be together but I cannot pursue the question "when?" because that means speculating on when his parents will die, which is deeply distasteful. He admits that his mother could outlive him. I asked, "Where does that leave us?" His reply: "I'm trapped. I can't walk away, can I? I am sure it will sort itself out in the end."

I've thought hard about selling my gorgeous, unique home in a lovely area of a lovely town and moving to his (grotty) town and having to start all over again. My best friend said NO absolutely do NOT uproot yourself and lose your home and friends etc for a man who doesn't even have the balls to stand up to his parents. Even if I did, he still would not be able to move in with me. It would only remove the 40 mile round trip to meet up. I'd be paying a huge price for that.

Should I settle for a handful of hours a week with him, because he's my "ideal man", even if this isn't an "ideal situation"?

Or should I nag him to stand up to them and insist things change? Is it unethical to make demands, when they genuinely need him and I am self sufficient?

What do others do in this situation?

Maybe test the waters first and say you would really love to meet them.

Hire a PI and see what the actual situation is.

Your choice but I thin you should not sell your house and should try to find someone 'less ideal' who is available to you in all aspects of his life you deserve the best.
Not even Brad Pitt or George Clooney would be worth waiting 20yrs for (although some ladies may disagree :)
put yourself first

The relationship cannot continue like this. So either he moves out and leaves his parents to make their own arrangements, or you walk away. I suspect he will choose the latter.

senua

"The parents cope Monday-Friday when he is out at work. Surely he can give you the equivalent amount of time on Saturday and Sunday, not just the 6 hours you currently get."

They cope because he gets up early and does his "carer's" chores before work, because the office is a minute's walk away and he's home just after 4.

It's because he is at the office all week that he is so busy at the weekend -- that is when they have him painting this, mending that, mowing the lawn, hoovering the house, etc. They absolutely refuse to pay anyone to do anything that he can do. No money plus hate strangers in the house.

I am carefully reading every single post ... thank you all so much.

Since when has meals on wheels and carer's allowance been considered a 'subversive idea'...you are not trying to overthrow a dictatorial regime here...well maybe lol They are dictating their son's life.

Ok Say it is totally the truth, you should help him to stand up for himself and tell them there will be changes and yes he will feel bad but he has to do it for his own freedom and sanity and your relationship.

Even phoning me is twisted into controlling me or having me "on a leash". It's nonsense.

OP - imagine it was your GF who was in this situation. What would you think if it? And wouldn't you feel that he was getting the best of both worlds, by having her available on the phone to him for HOURS every day without having to make any actual moves to secure them both a proper relationship? After three years?

If I am not in he doesn't call my mobile, he just tries again a few hours later, or else I call him when I get home. It's normal but people are trying to pathologise it.

Sorry but no, it's not normal to meet only once a week when you've been a couple for this long.

I think you're scared that you'll lose him if you require any more than this. I'm trying to show you that you won't.

"It's because he is at the office all week that he is so busy at the weekend -- that is when they have him painting this, mending that, mowing the lawn, hoovering the house, etc. They absolutely refuse to pay anyone to do anything that he can do. No money plus hate strangers in the house."
That is their problem, he is not a slave, but a grown man with a life to live. So if they dont have money problems, but it is a question of choice, then they can choose again. Also, if it is a choice, he isnt trapped. It is his choice also.

You both have my sympathy OP, I think it’s very hard that he’s got himself into this and feels he can’t leave them now. I haven’t read everyone’s responses but I do think some posters are being very hard on him (and quite cynical). FWIW I have a friend in a similar situation and they eventually got round it by him now living most of the week with her and then staying overnight with his parents for a couple of nights a week. It’s a lot of driving and stress and not ideal but it’s better than what you’ve got and it is helping him to see that he’s being emotionally blackmailed by parents who are very set in their ways and not thinking about his needs at all. The not taking benefits/not letting in carers needs to be challenged and if he’s not there some of the time it makes this easier. It’s very complicated. But he deserves a life too. Good luck.

he says that I am his lifeline, that seeing me means all the world to him, because he hates his situation so much - and the way he acts backs this up. He is a very sincere person.

Personally I think this is a huge amount of responsibility to put on one person. I'm seeing someone at the moment and there's a lot in my life that's not right, but he is. However, I don't pile this on him. He's not the answer to my problems - I am.

I agree with PP - I think this is how his parents communicate with him and so it's how he communicates with you. He is tying you in. I'm sure he does it in a way that sounds very sincere but is this what you really want? He's setting up a story of you being starstruck lovers who cannot be together because of his wicked parents. I do think he's being manipulated but I also think he's manipulating.

Do be careful OP. I think you will find you're investing a lot in the relationship emotionally and it won't be reciprocated. Keep living your life, DO NOT sell up. And do be aware that once he is free of his parents, there may be something else to keep you apart.

i hve sent you some PMs private messages...as you are getting used to the interface it's in the top right corner MY MUMSNET -INBOX :)

Given that you say you can’t stand men and think they’re all horrible, it’s interesting that literally the only one you like just happens to be someone who can’t be with you.

So he pays a 3rd of all hosehold bills and is a full time unpaid skivvy to his parents?

If he gets home from work at 4pm, he's got a good 4-5 hours every night to mow the lawn l, fix stuff and hoover. That's 20-30 hours from Mon-Fri. A whole day! Why does he need to save the chores up for the weekend?

This isn't adding up. And if his only bill is 1/3 of the utilities, why can't he afford to rent a place, even a tiny place? Where does the rest of his money go?

I feel OP doesn't like the way we are questioning every little detail - we may be breaking down the fairytale she has built up about the dutiful son and his overbearing parents. I hope it helps her to question her 'relationship' though. It seems he likes the girlfriend experience, without being a real boyfriend.

You have someone in your life but how would you feel if you need a period of time in hospital (hope not but let's say hysterectomy with a month to recover, no driving) and he chooses not to visit because visiting hours clash with DIY? What he is doing may be admirable that does not mean you have to be so low down his list of priorities.

I particularly appreciate women sharing their own experiences of being carers for their parents. Thank you.

As far as carers allowance goes. His parents need to be in receipt of a qualifying benefit like PIP. His parents don't apply for it the carer does I don't even know if they would contact his parents. He can only get carers if he earns less than £123 a week after tax and expenses.

It gets harder to meet someone as we get older.
You have already said you enjoy what we have but you want more of it.
That is the crux of the matter really. You seem to lead a full life and do not need a man to complete it, but you want more from him. Had you not have said that I might have encouraged you to go on as you are. Do you really want to share your life and home with him?

I can ' get' that this guy feels trapped. The thing is, either he feels trapped but would like things to change, in which case he needs to get some counseling to help him manage a way forward and deal with the emotional backlash from his parents, or he feels trapped but is not up for anything changing, in which case you know how things will be and can choose whether you are happy for that to continue indefinitely or not.

Sounds more like a 'Friends with Benefits' kinda situation for him not the OP.

Wow, he has no life does he. Regardless of your relationship, he should break free for his own sanity. They are not helpless and incapable, they just like the free labour. I've no idea how parents can be so selfish.

They have paid their taxes and are entitled to claim all the support they need, and they should, to free him up.

COuld he possibly join a mens help group to get some perspective or just speak to any professional so he can see how he is being manipulated and get the tools to be stronger and stand up for himself?

It's because he is at the office all week that he is so busy at the weekend -- that is when they have him painting this, mending that, mowing the lawn, hoovering the house, etc. They absolutely refuse to pay anyone to do anything that he can do. No money plus hate strangers in the house

God, they're selfish mean parents aren't they? How can he live like this? They can obviously afford to have help but they refuse, and instead have their 56 year old son act like a slave to them. OP... don't you lose respect for him that he's accepting of this? They could have a gardener, a handyman, a carer whatever but no, they do their damndest to ruin any chance of a relationship their son might have. And he accepts it.

And what has religion to do with it? You said they are Christian. Where does it say that an adult son has to wait on his parents hand and foot for decades?

I do know what it's like caring for elderly parents. I went through it but not on my own because I have siblings. It took a big toll on my marriage and I have an understanding DH!

I presume he has no siblings... please tell me he doesn't...