Boyfriend trapped with parents - what should I do?

[SarahPickles]

Three years ago a colleague and I fell in love. He is the most decent, caring, loyal, honest, kind man. The man I waited all my life to meet. He is 56 and I am 60, we are single, and we want to spend the rest of our lives together.

I own a house with ample space for him. But he lives with his parents because they are frail and elderly. He works as a clerk close to the house (in case they need him). All the rest of his time he is their (unpaid) carer, cook, cleaner, nurse, chauffeur, housekeeper, gardener and handyman.

We've spent a lot of time together at work, during breaks, plus about 6 hours during the weekend. He is always "on call" on his mobile. That means no trips away, no holidays and he can never stay at mine because we live 20 miles apart and he can't leave them alone all night.

I have nagged him to demand they give him more time off. They stubbornly refuse every suggestion. Won't hire anyone ("can't afford it/don't want strangers in the house") or apply for carer's allowance ("We'd never sponge off the State"), or allow any outside agency to get involved. They vow never to go into a home.

Their answer to everything is "We've got you. We don't need anyone else. You'll have your freedom when we're dead".

You could say they are holding him prisoner, partly emotional blackmail and partly dangling their £500k house equity as his eventual "payment" for years of unpaid labour. So he is trapped until they both die. That could be another 10 or 20 years.

I asked him to move in with me, (and marry me, so he inherits my house and savings) and force them to get carers' allowance to pay him and others to visit and look after them. But the State won't pay enough to cover 24 hour care, plus there is the neverending DIY he currently does. Plus he'd feel awful for abanoning them. So that is a "no".

I have retired and no longer see him daily at the office. So we are reduced to meeting for about 6 hrs a week. I have to drive 20 miles and sit in cafes, or pay for a hotel room (£80). Or he visits me for a couple of hours, and sits with one eye on his mobile in case they ring.

I feel fed up, aggrieved, lonely and hopeless about our future. He promises we WILL be together but I cannot pursue the question "when?" because that means speculating on when his parents will die, which is deeply distasteful. He admits that his mother could outlive him. I asked, "Where does that leave us?" His reply: "I'm trapped. I can't walk away, can I? I am sure it will sort itself out in the end."

I've thought hard about selling my gorgeous, unique home in a lovely area of a lovely town and moving to his (grotty) town and having to start all over again. My best friend said NO absolutely do NOT uproot yourself and lose your home and friends etc for a man who doesn't even have the balls to stand up to his parents. Even if I did, he still would not be able to move in with me. It would only remove the 40 mile round trip to meet up. I'd be paying a huge price for that.

Should I settle for a handful of hours a week with him, because he's my "ideal man", even if this isn't an "ideal situation"?

Or should I nag him to stand up to them and insist things change? Is it unethical to make demands, when they genuinely need him and I am self sufficient?

What do others do in this situation?

@Bluntness100 love can be as blinkered in later life as much as in your teens. It sounds so romantic, the man giving his all to his parents, while trying desperately to have a relationship with the woman he loves - but we know it isn't quite like that. I hope OP soon realises it too.

Tbh the OP’s situation reminds me of someone I know who was the OW for the duration of her adult life. And no, I’m not going back to the thought that OP is an OW, although I do maintain that this man is not being honest with her about a number of things. But I digress.....

This person met a married man when she was young and they started an affair. She saw him for one evening every week and that was all. As time went on she fell pregnant with his child, and because of the attitude that society had to unmarried mothers back then, when she checked into the hospital she invented a name for herself to look as if she was married.

She had her child and continued to see this man for just one evening a week. For 50 years. as time went on he lived his life with his wife and children. If he went on holiday she had no idea where he’d gone, If anything had happened to him she would never have known, even though he was the father of her daughter.

Eventually his wife died, and their relationship became more public, although his children had always known about her and had in fact accepted her for reasons I won’t go into. However, when his wife died they did not move the relationship forward so they could be together because they had never had that kind of relationship in the first place. So she continued to see him for the one evening a week until he eventually died himself.

His children had accepted her, however they didn’t know that her daughter was in fact their half sister and as such the daughter was not able to go to her father’s funeral. .

This is how I predict the OP’s relationship would be if she continues with it.

This man does not want to be in a permanent relationship with the OP, if he wanted to, then he would be. And yes, I understand that other commitments can take a heavy toll, but he has already proved that he is capable of being independent and he is choosing not to be here. To the extent that he has excluded the OP from that side of his life. Why is that? A 60 year old man is not so vulnerable that he is incapable of leaving his parents for a few hours, not unless he himself has some serious disabilities/problems which the OP has not indicated here.

OP says he’s her boyfriend but he isn’t. Sorry but 40 hours at work does not a relationship make, it makes two people who happen to work in the same office who can spend time talking about the trivial during that time. But the very fact that the man did not seek to extend the time he spends with the OP when she left is indicative of the fact that he sees her as nothing more than a friend with benefits (assuming they even have a sexual relationship which tbh seems unlikely given they don’t actuallyy spend time together.

OP doesn’t accept that because she doesn’t want to believe it. But there is literally no evidence that this man wants a relationship with her, and plenty of evidence that he doesn’t. It is up to the OP to accept that this is all they will ever be or not. People pointing that out is not being goady or hateful, it’s the truth.

I think you should carry on as you are. Enjoy your time with this man, even though it is short at the moment. Don’t sell your house, that would be a huge mistake. You have your friends and hobbies, you have plenty to do. You don’t need any man every moment of the day, you situation would be ideal for many single women.

If this man didn’t care for you he wouldn’t phone you in his breaks and every night. His parents won’t live forever and I don’t think he would be happy to abandon them. I don’t think you would be happy if you broke up with him either. Things never stay the same.

But the very fact that the man did not seek to extend the time he spends with the OP when she left

This is the key to it. Thr fact he did nothing to extend the time.

And he could. Of course he could. If they can be alone when he works they can be alone other times. He is choosing not to go out of his comfort zone more than he has to. Which is with his parents in his home.

And queenofthecroneage agree.

Op, do you really see no red flags with a man who works in a poorly paid job, lives with his parents, has no home of his own and can't afford one, blames allhis life choices on his parents, inc how he spends his holidays and weekends, and makes no move to change anything? Just keeps doing it and telling you it's not him it's them?

You are a mistress, the ow. Everything they 'say' is only what he has told you. You have no idea what they have actually said.
It's basically "I can't leave her because she's vulnerable/unstable/threatens suicide" but with parents. If you can accept that and accept his version of events then keep deluding yourself. I couldn't.

This is a sad story, but I'm sure there are many similar situations (in fact, a friend of mine is in one, though not quite as bad). I can see how it happens, and how hard it is to say no to frail guilt-tripping parents.

But - if you think it's better to have a nice close friend like him than no one then that's fine. I'd probably feel the same. Just don't kid yourself he is your partner in any real sense.

@Thingsdogetbetter and there we have it. OP is OW but parents not wife 'in the way'.

I think instead Of demonising his parents op and letting him blame them for his lifestyle choices. It would be healthier to accept this man is set in his ways. He doesn't wish to change his lifestyle. He is only willing to allocate a certain amount of time in person to you. He doesn't like to come out of his comfort zone too often. He struggles with personal relationships. He does not wish what you wish. If he did, he would bend a little. He is not willing to bend at all.

I think if you accept this and manage your expectations accordingly. No matter how hard it is to understand, you will likely be happier.

Wise words, Bluntness.

Oliversmumsarmy

Oh, I see what you mean now! Re-reading my OP, I can see now that I worded it badly.

I have retired and no longer see him daily at the office. So we are reduced to meeting for about 6 hrs a week. I have to drive 20 miles and sit in cafes, or pay for a hotel room (£80)

What I meant was he comes to see me once a week for 6 hours, and if I want to see him in between I would have to drive 20 miles to get to him, and then either sit in a cafe (or pub) (because I won't go to his parents' house) or I would have to get a hotel room so we could use the hotel facilities as somewhere to just be together.

I can see why you read it as I am already doing that. I'm not.

The hotel room is NOTHING to do with sex. Its just somewhere to go, and then I could stay over to save driving back alone at night.
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And thanks for all the additional messages.

I have never posted anything like this on MN before, and I have now got an idea of what kind of people reply. There are genuine, considered replies, replies from people who are in, or know someone in, a similar situation, and there are a tiny handful of people who just want to sneer and hurt the poster's feelings out of schaudenfreude (sp?). Thanks for the PM's explaining that.

Bluntness I agree with everything you have said on this thread

I'm older than you OP. I would walk away.

You're his little fantasy that One Day... but he knows the only way One Day will come is if he makes it come. And he won't.

He makes very little effort for you but you make lots for him.

He's not worth it.

No one wants to hurt your feelings OP. Posters read, think and reply according to their personal take. You still can't seem to accept that this man is not going to change his situation because he simply doesn't want to. He's happy enough with you as his fantasy One Day as Nanny said. We are both older than you, too.

I started off gentler than that. I suggested one night, in a hotel, 10 miles from his house. He said it was "out of the question". He had to make their dinner, wash up, tidy up, put them to bed at 10, and sleep in the room next door. I never bothered asking again.

This is really sad OP. One of the loveliest parts of being in a relationship is just being around someone without any pressure. Being at work is different because it's not like you can hug or kiss or just be around them in quite the same way.

I don't think you are going to change this man. I don't know whether he's just been so incredibly manipulated he can't change or whether he's not giving you the whole story or what it is but I don't think this will change. And I realise he is better than the other men you've met - I've done online dating. I know what it's like out there. There really aren't many decent blokes available. But I do think he may not be quite what you think he is.

Years ago I dated someone who seemed all these things - kind, considerate, intelligent, thoughtful. But he then did something that made me see him in a different light. The evidence had been there all along that he wasn't what I thought he was. He was actually quite selfish and weak. People can have superficially good qualities that make them at least initially seem preferable to some of the boorish, loud, obviously sexist men we encounter. But sometimes they're still not fundamentally decent, not really.

You were looking for solutions
Not go to work, spend quality time with you instead
Or
Buy a camper van or stealth camper van
That you can park up, so that you don't need to drive home. You can also use on your other days off

Thank you, Sarahpickles I couldn’t understand why everyone was thinking I was being mean.

I think Nanny0gg said it perfectly. You are his sometime in the future because until he is forced to make a decision or to strike out on his own he prefers the status quo.

From my experience with people I have known it isn’t unheard of when the carer is finally free to be with their long term partner. They end up with someone else.

I don’t know the age of his parents but they Could be around for another 20 years and at some point one or both might need long term care. He isn’t getting any younger and his health might give out first. In which case any inheritance would be diminished.

I think be his friend but I wouldn’t put too much store on any future.

IrenetheQuaint

Nowhere on this thread (or anywhere) have I ever called him my "partner".

I don't have a problem with posters saying "dump him" or "he's not worth it" because I do want a range of opinion, but a tiny minority really do post things purely to be nasty or to mock, and that hurts.

The camper van suggestion is hilarious! I could park it right in his street. So funny.

Op, you don't have to answer this, and I mean it politely. But it seems for the entire duration of your relarionship with this man, out of the office you have only ever seen each other for six hours at the weekend, which takes place on one day and he comes to you.

Is it sexual? This is what you don't have to answer. Does he come to your house and have sex? Or is it purely platonic during those visits?

This is quite a tricky situation, I think. It sounds like he is unable or unwilling to stand up to his parents, perhaps because he is scared to rock the boat. The issue isn't his parents. He is the issue. He should be prepared to stand up to them and make some adjustments to enable your relationship to work. For whatever reason, he is not prepared to do so. That must feel pretty hurtful tbh and would probably lead me to end the relationship unless he is prepared to change. Why should you settle for always being bottom of the heap?

I guess you should judge it not on what he is doing for his parents, but what he ISNT doing for you. No holidays, no long term companionship, no guarantee he will be there for you (in person), no putting you first, no display of strength of character. I think this is really sad actually. Out of interest, have you ever given him an ultimatum? Or asked for more?

From this post, can you see that he ISNT trapped and that could choose a different way that would suit everybody (even if on the surface it upset his parents). They sound like quite unpleasant people, and he sounds weak. I don't like weak in a man.

OP I am going to go against the crowd here too. You sound like you have a great, busy, friend-filled life. And to top it all you have a significant other, who is there for you in spirit if not in person, every day. Someone you genuinely love and love to be with.
I read MN and most posts are about awful men, not kind, decent ones. Of course you want more, but you have a lot.

I am on my own and have become resigned to the fact that at my age this may be it. Statistically for 50+ women it's more than likely to be. I'd be more than happy with a warm, caring SO - and personally would rather a live out set-up - but yes would prefer a bit more time together than you have, ideally. There's no perfect template - life is complicated.

This is your life now. You can't change him only yourself. Could this be enough for you? Of course you shouldn't give up your beautiful home. Things may change and yes you should continue to push for that change.

There have been some helpful suggestions from others who have real personal or professional experience in this area that are worth following up. Counselling or support for both of you to come up with a firm plan and resolve that enables him to have a life too may be a way forward.

I wish you all the best.

@SarahPickles There is significant risk of career strain here so if I were your bf I would request a carers assessment from his local Adult Social Services. His parents might not want an assessment but your boyfriend is certainly entitled to one himself.

It may be that if a social worker undertook his assessment and had a discussion with his parents about how much he is doing for them and how unsustainable it actually is, they may consider accepting some paid care. Usually for carers who are offering a lot of care, in my area we offer a sitting service for a few hours per week, which is paid for by Social Services at no cost to the service users, as part of a carers personal budget.

They - and your boyfriend - may refuse any kind of intervention, which is their choice but it wouldn't hurt for him to get in touch with social services.

I suppose it's probably an equivalent of going from living with someone (like you say, you spent 46 hours a week with him until recently) and then they get a job that takes them far away most of the time; so all of a sudden your relationship is long-distance. Which would probably be much more bearable if this new far away job was something he wanted and enjoyed, rather than an indentured servitude that relies on abuse of his good nature. How painful for both of you.

I'm younger than you (35), divorced, and have gone from loving the company of men all my life to finding them largely disappointing or downright unpleasant. I want to love a nice man and be loved in return. Ideally I'd want him with me as much as possible; but if I couldn't have that, I think I'd take what I could get. That doesn't sound very romantic I know! But perhaps his horrible parents will die in the near future; or perhaps something will happen that makes outside care inevitable. You don't know that this will continue interminably.

Funny that his goodness is probably both reason to love him and reason to despair! I hope that the situation resolves itself naturally.

@Belenus

Years ago I dated someone who seemed all these things - kind, considerate, intelligent, thoughtful. But he then did something that made me see him in a different light. The evidence had been there all along that he wasn't what I thought he was. He was actually quite selfish and weak. People can have superficially good qualities that make them at least initially seem preferable to some of the boorish, loud, obviously sexist men we encounter. But sometimes they're still not fundamentally decent, not really.

That made me shiver..you are talking about my ex from last year!