Boyfriend trapped with parents - what should I do?

[SarahPickles]

Three years ago a colleague and I fell in love. He is the most decent, caring, loyal, honest, kind man. The man I waited all my life to meet. He is 56 and I am 60, we are single, and we want to spend the rest of our lives together.

I own a house with ample space for him. But he lives with his parents because they are frail and elderly. He works as a clerk close to the house (in case they need him). All the rest of his time he is their (unpaid) carer, cook, cleaner, nurse, chauffeur, housekeeper, gardener and handyman.

We've spent a lot of time together at work, during breaks, plus about 6 hours during the weekend. He is always "on call" on his mobile. That means no trips away, no holidays and he can never stay at mine because we live 20 miles apart and he can't leave them alone all night.

I have nagged him to demand they give him more time off. They stubbornly refuse every suggestion. Won't hire anyone ("can't afford it/don't want strangers in the house") or apply for carer's allowance ("We'd never sponge off the State"), or allow any outside agency to get involved. They vow never to go into a home.

Their answer to everything is "We've got you. We don't need anyone else. You'll have your freedom when we're dead".

You could say they are holding him prisoner, partly emotional blackmail and partly dangling their £500k house equity as his eventual "payment" for years of unpaid labour. So he is trapped until they both die. That could be another 10 or 20 years.

I asked him to move in with me, (and marry me, so he inherits my house and savings) and force them to get carers' allowance to pay him and others to visit and look after them. But the State won't pay enough to cover 24 hour care, plus there is the neverending DIY he currently does. Plus he'd feel awful for abanoning them. So that is a "no".

I have retired and no longer see him daily at the office. So we are reduced to meeting for about 6 hrs a week. I have to drive 20 miles and sit in cafes, or pay for a hotel room (£80). Or he visits me for a couple of hours, and sits with one eye on his mobile in case they ring.

I feel fed up, aggrieved, lonely and hopeless about our future. He promises we WILL be together but I cannot pursue the question "when?" because that means speculating on when his parents will die, which is deeply distasteful. He admits that his mother could outlive him. I asked, "Where does that leave us?" His reply: "I'm trapped. I can't walk away, can I? I am sure it will sort itself out in the end."

I've thought hard about selling my gorgeous, unique home in a lovely area of a lovely town and moving to his (grotty) town and having to start all over again. My best friend said NO absolutely do NOT uproot yourself and lose your home and friends etc for a man who doesn't even have the balls to stand up to his parents. Even if I did, he still would not be able to move in with me. It would only remove the 40 mile round trip to meet up. I'd be paying a huge price for that.

Should I settle for a handful of hours a week with him, because he's my "ideal man", even if this isn't an "ideal situation"?

Or should I nag him to stand up to them and insist things change? Is it unethical to make demands, when they genuinely need him and I am self sufficient?

What do others do in this situation?

I wonder if most people would give up their freedom and serve their parents for 30 yrs if they knew they would be getting a 500k inheritance? anyway that is another thread...by the time you got the money you would be old and have wasted your life I think personally not worth it.

As someone who has real life experience as a carer I would say go the Adult Social Services way and get him an assessment. IN-house care or outside help is inevitable. The way things are going we will all need outside care eventually at some point very few people will be able to stay in their own homes until they pass with only family looking after them. Most people will get some social services care/ benefits they wont have a choice. So in time something will give in this situation and will change, depends if you feel it is worth the wait.

I do not know how many would feel his situation is one of emotional and financial abuse by the parents....is abuse too strong a word here? They may outlive him and he may suffer healthwise due to the decades of stress and literally NO BREAKS. Even the worst employer wouldn't allow this. He is a slave to them. I do hope you both can find a solution and find a way to be together, if that is what you both want. As for the parents, well, they have had a long life and should allow him and you to still enjoy yours.

They have infantilized him (since he has moved home even though outwardly he has a job etc and is functionin) , he has lost his independence and he is in a bizarre Stockholm syndrome co dependent situation.....

On calculating his wage for being on duty for 30 yrs it equates to about £2 an hour...from the 500k...tell him that..not even mimimum wage

And if the parents go in a home he gets nothing

I wonder if most people would give up their freedom and serve their parents for 30 yrs if they knew they would be getting a 500k inheritance

Might get £500k. The inheritance isn’t guaranteed.

I know 2 sisters. Abusive mother who dangled an inheritance. Lived in a huge house.
One sister went nc, moving miles away to live in a grotty flat and then went on to set up a business and made more than the inheritance that was being dangled.

Other sister stayed. She could have left but didn’t. The inheritance was too much of a pull.

40 years later the inheritance has all but gone and mother and daughter live in a tiny house. One throwing her weight around and one just wishing she would die so she could be free.
The sad thing is the one that stayed has always been free to go just she built herself a cage and closed the door.

OP, maybe your boyfriend could start by telling his parents that he will be unavailable on certain days of the week. Perhaps start with Saturday.
If he told them “sorry Mum, Dad but I have plans for Saturday and won’t be around. I have prepared your lunch/dinner so you can heat it up in the microwave. This is the emergency number for doctor/police if you have an emergency. I will be back about 10pm to put you to bed. See you later”

Then, if this goes ok, maybe introduce another day, then stretch it to a weekend. They will all three of them gradually get used to the idea then it won’t be a shock to the system.

I really think that there are some things that a son should not be expected to do for his parents. If for example one of them became incontinent, he should put his foot down and just say no.

A friend of mine was in a similar position to your boyfriend and asked for some advice from Aged Concern, a lovely lady came to the house to talk through their options. She was very helpful and filled in the necessary forms for them to apply for necessary benefits to pay for a carer and a cleaner.

It is not sponging, it is the reason we all pay taxes, so that when the time comes and we need help then we take a little back.

Ps if you boyfriend refuses to even consider such options then he is as stubborn as his parents, then you really should walk away.

Good luck

if you boyfriend refuses to even consider such options then he is as stubborn as his parents, then you really should walk away.

Thats what is concerning me.

There are many reasons why he would refuse to consider the options, FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) being the likely culprit, but doesnt alter the facts. If he really will not discuss any other options and is determined to keep the status quo, then you have decide whether you will accept that or not.

You clearly care very much about him, but right now this isnt working for you and love isnt always enough.

Hi OP please tell me you have seen his parents in real life.
You only know what he’s told you.
You walked up to the house, it could be anyone’s house.
People get deceived all the time.
Please tell me you have checked the voting register to see who lives at the address. No one needs to be available to the extent he stays with his parents. 4pm till bedtime - 7 days a week.
It’s not normal and something is off.
He has holidays - suggest him taking a day off but not telling his parents. See if he does that.
How’s he ended up with nothing.
You may not be “the other woman” but you are being treated like one.
People can have two lives you know.
You will not change this - whatever this is!!
If I was you and they’d never met me - I would knock on the door and say I was doing a survey or something - I’d find out more.

There are some very harsh comments on her…Like ‘leave him’ ‘he is weak’ or ‘you are just fooling yourself’

The thing is if a woman was in an emotionally abusive relationship with a man for years, being controlled ,the same people would be full of sympathy yet when it is a man he is weak and there is something wrong with him I know more than most the manipulating power family can have over you no matter your age, background or ‘strength’

My grandmother (my father’s mother) groomed by my aunt to stay at home from school at 15 and ‘mind her’ all her life. She even found my aunt a husband who married in to the house (it was a disaster as he become an alcoholic as he was a stranger in his own home and my grandmother was the priority .She even had control over the 2 daughters they had ) . My aunt died early from lung cancer ( smoking was one of her few pleasures) and not one of her siblings including my father lifted a finger to mind my grandmother and off she went to a nursing home. crying that she wouldn’t go .She was 91 at this stage and managed to live another 10 years in the nursing home

However this way of behaving runs in families with people who are empaths ear marked and controlled for the purpose of supporting the main characters

You would not be surprised how many families run on this type of FOGs…I am the eldest in my family and single and I know my siblings and all my family expect me to give up my home and move in with my mother who lives over 500 miles away from me but nearer to them when the time comes . I currently work but I know they expect me to just do it all especially if retired

I think there are more than 2 options here. It is true that you are currently second best to this man’s parents and they have all the power. You need to take some of the power Remember power is not given its taken

But if you are as strong as you suggest you will fight to help this man out of this dilemma
Firstly you need to show some strength. Get around to that house on any pre text . Just turn up..
If they ask you to leave so what. Be emboldened. Only leave if he asks you to.Its his home as well Also tell this man that you find this situation untenable and you can help by saying so to his parents. Doesn’t have to be nasty but point out that he is unhappy and how that can make him happier by accepting outside help. There is such a thing as equity release and social care

Next go with him to organise care and then arrange a holiday for you both and be off

Now all that sounds cheeky but if you want more you need to be this forward .If he gets a taste of freedom it may embolden him He is not going to take the step forward so you have to if you want change. Otherwise accept the status quo or leave .I personally would just be friends I would not also make the relationship/discussions about his parents and his dilemma. Because what I have learned is over the years is that those who can seem lovely and accommodating can also be selfish in a passive way to others who don’t control them.

However to come out from anyone’s control is daunting but it can be done

HelloDeirdre

My concern with your plan is that you are simply shifting the abuser. All that talk about power.....

If the OP creates a situation where she basically forces change to suit her own agenda, disregarding him and his parents, then she becomes the emotional manipulator/abuser to her boyfriend instead of his parents. He will simply shift from one unhealthy dynamic to another.

Imo all she can do is draw her line in the sand, show him the alternatives to his current situation and if he refuses to reconsider then she can decide whether to accept 6 hours a week or leave. HE must be the one to make changes, it has to come from him for them to be any success.

OP, you sound like a very intelligent woman who is at a crossroads and wants to debate the options with others who may have been in similar situations. I've not read everyone's posts on this thread, but have read all of your posts, and I think your assessment of your partner being a kind, decent man trapped by manipulative elderly parents is pretty accurate. Maybe there is an element of him committing to caring for his parents in the expectation that he will inherit, but I suspect that he is a decent person with a strong sense of duty, so he would probably do the same even if they rented their house, rather than owned it.

I was a part time carer for both my elderly parents for many years, and even though I organised paid carers to support them with several visits a day, I was still there several times a week and it was very stressful. Even with a care package sorted, things used to crop up between visits, such as falls or other incidents needing medical help, it felt relentless. Also, there were certain things involving personal hygiene where the paid carers could not persuade my parents to co-operate, so I had to step in and deal with those things. It was the hardest period of my life.

I found the Carers UK website an invaluable source of support and information. You or your partner might find it helpful to join the forum and get advice from others who have been through similar things with elderly parents who will only accept help from their adult children.

The chances are that one, or both of them, will need residential care in the next few years, which would change things a lot. The parent left at home may give up and pass away, or in any case may be easier to cajole into accepting outside help, when they no longer have the other one to back them up (2 onto 1 at the moment, no wonder your partner struggles to stand up to them). So much can change, so quickly, when dealing with elderly, frail people. It's possible they could both live another 10 or 15 years, but more likely that one of them will die in the next few years, which will change things a lot and make different choices possible. It sounds like you live a busy, pleasant life, but are frustrated that it could be even better, if your partner could break away from his parents. I don't think he will do that, until circumstances change, but with help and support you may both find a way to see more of each other, until that time. It's up to you to decide if he's worth waiting for.

Op it sounds like you're actually pretty ok in terms of how you feel about life, where you are in life etc.you sound hapoy with this arrangement, but just wish you could have more. I don't know - I'm not a retired lady, but if I were I would feel down about not seeing this man or being with him for longer however I'd probably also not have too many qualms about keeping it going, though knowing it would probably never really change unless they died. It sounds like you have a great life, and to be honest 40 miles doesn't seem bad to me at all (it used to take me 6 hours just to go visit and look after my grandmother after my dad died) .

This situation won't change, your bf could easily have free time for you; his parents are alone when he's at work and manage to feed, toilet etc.
I'm sure if SW assessed their needs he would either be surprised that they could manage or that a care plan was needed. His mother was 68 when he moved in so unlikely in need of care, he probably moved in as it suited him financially and now feels obliged to help. Unless they are completely infirm they do not need live in carers or are they scared of the house being sold to fund a care home? Also a house doesn't need constant mending/diy, sounds like he enjoys being a martyr.
Walk away and hopefully meet a man who can fulfill you.

If either of them needs to go into a care home, that wonderful house will disappear as it will have to be sold to pay for their care. So if he is doing this for the inheritance he might be out of luck. It sounds more likely that he enjoys being a martyr.

I'm in your age group and I can't imagine waiting all those years for Mr Right, and then settling for 6 stolen hours a week with a man still tied to his parent's apron strings. Good luck but I think you could have done better.

This sounds like a really difficult situation for him (and you!).

His parents ultimately are being unreasonable here. They are denying their son of a life. We all want to be there for our loved ones, but people who demand we give up everything to look after them really are selfish and unfair. At 56 he is young enough to still enjoy what is left of his life. But his parent may still be around for 10, 20 years at which point he has lost his!

I don’t know what your solution will be though. You could pose an ultimatum. Something like one night a week together or a full day etc and parents to get help or else you walk away. But then would you prepared to do that?

Do not give up your house or life just get OP.

They don't like outsiders coming in "poking their noses in". They are frail and have multiple health issues. They do not socialise with anyone and only leave the house to be taken back and forth to doctor and hospitals. I do not feel that I want to push myself on them when I know they resent me and hate outsiders invading their home. There is no need for me to get friendly with them; it's not like I'm going to bear them grandchildren.

So in all these years you've never actually met them. Hmmm it would be in your best interests to change that and insist on meeting them. He could introduce you as his friend from work if you didn't want to rock the boat. But you really should meet them - if only to see with your own eyes , just how "frail and dependent" they are. You might be surprised . Considering that they seem to manage just fine when he is at work, it's hard to see how they are supposedly too frail for him to be away from them as much as he says.

Well I’m not young, and I’ve lodt all my family already sadly so I do understand how, if he is the only child, this situation has come about. But...you are not being fitted into his life at all. If you are both so serious there was talk of marriage it shouldn’t matter that he mentioned you had queried carers etc, you should be able to visit for maybe Saturday high tea or something, maybe as his fiancé to formalise it maybe not. And you shouldn’t be considered an outsider, why isn’t he making it clear to them your importance?
Sadly people can get bogged down with the thought/hope of inheritance but it can be dangled in front of you forever, life is too short - is he worried they will change will if don’t approve of you? There’s no guarantee he’ll get it anyway!!! My father left me a lot, in my mother’s care so she could have interest until she died - she spent it all. Finances are never guaranteed. It really does feel like he is content with what little you both have, he could so easily make it twice that a week...a whole 12 hours...but chooses not to, chooses to have all these excuses as that is what they are, excuses.
Only you know if you care enough about him to accept these crumbs...you say you doubt you’d find another man as lovely but maybe you will if you just consider yourself a single woman who dates this man.
I feel really sorry for you that he doesn’t appreciate how little time we have, that as much as possible should be with those that truly love us not filial duty.

This man has made it as clear as he possibly can, your relationship isn’t his priority, the relationship with his parents is.

The price of staying in a relationship with him is being a convenient option/ respite from his primary relationship. Essentially, you’re the OW and he isn’t going to leave his parents for you.

His parents will tighten their grip the more your relationship with their son appears to threaten their relationship with their son.

Never prioritise someone who treats you like an option.

You say you dont want to meet his awful parents but I think you should, I think you should ask that he invites you round for a meal, to meet the parents.
make your own judgement on them.get to know them. dont put them down without having met them.

I'm struggling to know how to help because it sounds like neither you nor his parents will compromise. You say you refuse to meet them or sit with them and I think that's where you may need to change your perspective. I agree, they sound rotten but if spending time with them meant you could witness their relationship dynamic first hand and help him to see how poor it is isn't it worth it?

Or if he likes DIY so much, maybe he could convert part of the house as a granny flat for himself?
I'm unsure this would work even if his parents permitted it. A) Because he's still really be onsite pretty much as he is now. B) there's still the possibility that one or both of his parents becoming too incapacitated to stay at home and needing full time care, and the house needing to be sold to pay for that which leaves OP's BF in a difficult situation financially.

That made me shiver..you are talking about my ex from last year!

I think there are quite a few of them around! People aren't usually one thing or another. We're all a mixture of traits. People on MN are quick to shout about someone being an abuser but I think many people are capable of things that seem abusive at times. I don't think my ex was abusive. He was a common or garden rather flawed person, weak at times, seemingly charming at others. I fell for the good bits and ignored the bad until I really couldn't ignore them.

I don't think the OP's partner is a bad person but I do think his good qualities perhaps don't run quite as deep as she hopes. And I do think she should meet his parents and see the relationship first hand. It's never good just to have one side of these things, particularly not when you can find out the other side fairly easily, even if it seems distasteful.

The comment from him about you being his lifeline would put me off, to be honest. It is so very emotionally manipulative and while I understand all the comments about how he may be trapped by his parents, it is not at all clear to me that he is taking or will take any steps to become untrapped.

He is calling you on every break and for an hour in the evening which is a large demand on your time (even if you enjoy the calls), but there are very clear boundaries (walls?) around any demands you can make on his time.

I understand what you are saying about it being hard to find a partner as you get older. But from the other side, I am a single parent with a job and no childcare so I cannot imagine having a partner because how would I find the time for them? I would not expect them to be on the phone three times a day but only see me the few hours DC are with dad. I mean, if you turn it around, would you expect that of a partner?

SarahPickles - I do think you have to make a decision as to whether you can continue to put up with this until his parents both die, or not.

It's an invidious position to be in, I have to say - but I wouldn't want to be him either. Being the only child to painfully reliant parents is such a burden of guilt - it would be very hard for him to break away from them.
BUT as has been said - he is not helping this situation. They have made him believe they are totally reliant on him, and the ONLY way to show this is not the case is for him to actually leave them on their own for a night. Nobody dies, all good, he can do it again.

The trouble you really have is that if he DOES decide to do a night away, and something DOES happen, he'll be even more firmly entrenched in the belief that he cannot leave them, EVER.

But I think it's worth taking a chance on it (unless they're sufficiently manipulative that they would force a "situation" just to get the above result)

However, it's not up to me, and it's not up to you either - HE has to make the decision.

I'm sad for you but I do totally agree with your friend and all other posters saying do NOT sell your house and move. Stay where you are - even if it is a 20m trip to your boyfriend's place.

When I was a young woman and worked in Oxford, my boyfriend at the time would come up for the whole weekend AND one night in the week. It was much further than 20 miles drive! I think your boyfriend should be able to invest more time in your relationship - he can leave his parents' dinner out, leave the washing up for one evening, and get a weekly carer in for them one night a week or something.

I really object to the attitude they have, that just because they have an unpaid slave to minister to their every wants, they "won't have anyone in" - if he was dead or sick or injured, they'd HAVE to, so they should stop being so selfish. But again - not your choice, it's theirs (and his) so they're the ones who have to change. :(

I am wondering about you being a lifeline comment too.

I'm thinking that maybe you make this situation bearable for him. And if you weren't around, or if you took a break from him, that situation would become unbearable and he would do something about it? He can endure all of this because he is going to ring you at 8pm, or see you for a few hours on Saturday. Without that, he might put some things into place.

Worth thinking about perhaps.

Apart from selling up and moving closer i think you should a) ask to meet the parents
and/or b)
give each other some more space

make some changes op