Boyfriend trapped with parents - what should I do?

[SarahPickles]

Three years ago a colleague and I fell in love. He is the most decent, caring, loyal, honest, kind man. The man I waited all my life to meet. He is 56 and I am 60, we are single, and we want to spend the rest of our lives together.

I own a house with ample space for him. But he lives with his parents because they are frail and elderly. He works as a clerk close to the house (in case they need him). All the rest of his time he is their (unpaid) carer, cook, cleaner, nurse, chauffeur, housekeeper, gardener and handyman.

We've spent a lot of time together at work, during breaks, plus about 6 hours during the weekend. He is always "on call" on his mobile. That means no trips away, no holidays and he can never stay at mine because we live 20 miles apart and he can't leave them alone all night.

I have nagged him to demand they give him more time off. They stubbornly refuse every suggestion. Won't hire anyone ("can't afford it/don't want strangers in the house") or apply for carer's allowance ("We'd never sponge off the State"), or allow any outside agency to get involved. They vow never to go into a home.

Their answer to everything is "We've got you. We don't need anyone else. You'll have your freedom when we're dead".

You could say they are holding him prisoner, partly emotional blackmail and partly dangling their £500k house equity as his eventual "payment" for years of unpaid labour. So he is trapped until they both die. That could be another 10 or 20 years.

I asked him to move in with me, (and marry me, so he inherits my house and savings) and force them to get carers' allowance to pay him and others to visit and look after them. But the State won't pay enough to cover 24 hour care, plus there is the neverending DIY he currently does. Plus he'd feel awful for abanoning them. So that is a "no".

I have retired and no longer see him daily at the office. So we are reduced to meeting for about 6 hrs a week. I have to drive 20 miles and sit in cafes, or pay for a hotel room (£80). Or he visits me for a couple of hours, and sits with one eye on his mobile in case they ring.

I feel fed up, aggrieved, lonely and hopeless about our future. He promises we WILL be together but I cannot pursue the question "when?" because that means speculating on when his parents will die, which is deeply distasteful. He admits that his mother could outlive him. I asked, "Where does that leave us?" His reply: "I'm trapped. I can't walk away, can I? I am sure it will sort itself out in the end."

I've thought hard about selling my gorgeous, unique home in a lovely area of a lovely town and moving to his (grotty) town and having to start all over again. My best friend said NO absolutely do NOT uproot yourself and lose your home and friends etc for a man who doesn't even have the balls to stand up to his parents. Even if I did, he still would not be able to move in with me. It would only remove the 40 mile round trip to meet up. I'd be paying a huge price for that.

Should I settle for a handful of hours a week with him, because he's my "ideal man", even if this isn't an "ideal situation"?

Or should I nag him to stand up to them and insist things change? Is it unethical to make demands, when they genuinely need him and I am self sufficient?

What do others do in this situation?

I agree with PP about knowing someone in a work setting is completely different to what they may be like in their personal lives. I've had this myself, and I lost all respect for him because he was an arse. His professional persona was just that.

Don't do anything rash, like selling your home because realistically, you've spent less than 40 days together in 3 years and in short six hours slots, therefore easy for all to be rosy rather than real.

For me, although his parents are a priority and responsibility, you don't feature anywhere in a meaningful way. There's no compromise. It doesn't matter how old you are I would say the same thing, if he wanted to be with you or spend more time with you, he'd find a way.

It's easy for him to blame his parents but ultimately it's him who won't do it.

Btw my bf is very nearly same age as your BF and I'm only a few years younger.

I don't think you need to end this relationship unless it is making you unhappy. You can't be his saviour. He is tied to his parents emotionally and financially. I doubt he will ever walk away from his obligation as he would be too guilty. You need to decide if his companionship is enough. It sounds like you have a fulfilling life and if seeing him adds something then I don't think it matters that it is not conventional. As long as you don't give anything up or always be at his beck and call. I think you do have to be able to accept the limitations of the relationship. To be honest I wonder if the limitations could be a benefit. I have known plenty of older people who value their independence and enjoy the occasional company of a partner. No extra washing, cooking etc for you.

OP I wonder if you know all the details about him moving back when he was 50 years old following a failed relationship and with no personal wealth. Plus he changed jobs ? Into a low paid one to be near them if his salary only covers 1/3 bills as there is no rent or mortgage to pay.

Maybe they paid off some huge debts he had accrued and this is what he promised in return?

There is something that doesn’t add up with the whole thing. I know you worked with him and friends before a relationship. But that doesn’t mean you know the whole truth. Most people wouldn’t share something like that with colleagues and then when you developed a relationship perhaps he feels he cannot now tell you as it may be different from what he said before OR paints him in a different light.

It’s strange you don’t even go to the theatre or cinema due to bed time routines. Or could it be they would question him ‘squandering money he doesn’t have’ ?

And you haven’t answered why he can’t complete the household chores and gardening during the evenings from 4pm onwards. He could tell his parents he has a hobby at the weekend (you ) but he is choosing not to do this.

It’s a shame he turned them against you by saying it was you who suggested getting carers in. Perhaps they think they are protecting him?

As I said too many things don’t add up. it you have your own fulfilling life and he adds another dimension. It’s just less than you want it to be.

20 mile trip is nothing. I've commuted further than that on a daily basis !
I know people that live on different continents that meet up a few times a year, they have a LTR & have been together more than 5 years
You need to decide, what you are willing to put up with in the relationship
With only 6 hours a week, you probably see the best of each other

Don't knock the camper van idea, until you have tried it !

SarahPickles

Did you read the article / book that JaneEyre linked to upthread ? I did so last night and think you would find it really helpful .

OP you’re believing absolutely everything he says. If I were you I’d do some heavy research into this man, his past and his current routines. There is some reason that he is keeping you and the parents WELL away from each other. I wonder if he thinks they might tell you something he wants to keep hidden?

What good is this money going to do him? Say his mother lives another 15 years and he waits on her hand and foot for all that time to avoid getting external help. He will be in his early 70s, you will be 75, it may be that one or both of you is then in poor health and unable to enjoy it. Or if one or both parents has to go into care he may inherit much less than he expects.
There are lots of compromises that could be made - maybe the best would be for them to downsize to supported accommodation so that he could marry you, even if that means their equity is eaten up in paying for services. What sort of parent says to a son that he can "have his life" when he gets to 70? None of us is guaranteed tomorrow - he needs to live now!
You sound like you have a full life , I guess you have to decide if you will 'settle' for the small amounts of time he can offer you, or whether you want to be free to find someone who is free to be with you. Good luck.

I'm wondering quite HOW much DIY a house needs. OP your bf seems to do a heck of a lot.

While your bf may have an abusive relationship with his parents, ultimately it is his choice. You may nudge him and support him towards 'freeing' himself, but at the moment, it is his choice.

I also agree with some pps. I know you dislike his parents, but you do need to be an active presence. I would call with him. Be an obvious part of his life. (while not putting up with shit from them). And then I would not be so available to him. See what happens. He may realsie how important you are in his life. At the moment I think he doesn't really get that point. That's if you want to stay with him. I respect your choice, but for me, I wouldn't be able to tolerate it.

I hope you can work it out OP

DH Uncle had this - his parents effectively saw off any woman - they'd stay up to wait till he was back so he felt like he couldn't go out. Lots of things like that. I think he may have moved out for a short period but mainly he lived with them his whole life - he gave up work late 40 as their health decline expecting it to be a few years it was over 15 before DH GM died. His entire life had become about looking after them. He’s pottering along seeing people a bit more but nothing fundamental changed since their passing – there isn’t money or a house, but he now has the council tenancy.

I though DH female cousin was going to end up similar – lived most of her life still at home with parents – short move out then back – but 41 she student fell pg and moved in with her bloke – mother had been trying to see him off for years prior to that.

You can’t save him – you have to decide if this is enough for you and yes listen to your friend don’t uproot your life.

It could be if you let this guy go you’d be in better mental place to look for a better relationship or enjoy being single better – that’s something you’d have to decide for yourself.

Want you need to stop doing is expecting any changes to happen – this is as good as it will get with him so is it enough or not is where you choice lies.

If he moved into the house at 50 when his mother was 68 then she can only be 74 now.
She could live for another 25 years.

Are you prepared to wait for him till you are in your 80s.

More than likely he will go before her.

Was she so disabled when he moved in or (might being a cynic) did her disabilities get worse when you came on the scene.

I am with the pp in that this doesn’t add up.

It seems odd to me that he told his parents about things you had suggested re Carers - and thereby ensured they would be dead against you. Why would he do that? Surely he would have wanted them to have a good impression of you?

That aside - Look - it's clear that you have thought about this relationship progressing somehow to fully committed. You've even said you would have him move in with you and inherit a large amount of money and property from you should you die first (as much anyway as the 500K he may get from his parents). Clearly, he would also benefit from living in the house and your greater financial power as well.

But - say this did actually happen...surely all that has been achieved is he has moved from one situation where he is dependent financially on a lifeline (parents) to another (you)? He wouldn't be any more 'free' in those terms.

In addition - even if this did become the case, how could you know it would work? You say you've never even argued because your short time together is so precious. That doesn't bode well for actually living together and making a marriage or something similar. And the time spent together in the workplace - this is not the same sort of situation as being together away from work, there are standards of professional behaviour and, well, work to do!

I am also confused about things like ferrying them to hospital appointments and doctors if he works full-time mon-fri - when does he do this? Does work allow him time off? Or do they get appointments at the weekend?

Finally - what exactly are the health issues his parents have that leave them unable to sleep by themselves at night without someone next door? How can this possibly be the case when they can manage during the day when he is at work?

There's so much about this situation that really doesn't ring true. And I am not saying this is because he is a secret sneaky bastard or something. But it could well be that he takes on way more than he actually needs to - sacrificing time he could be with you - because of how he chooses to view his commitment to his parents. That's not likely to change. And, as I said - if it does and he moved in with you - well he's just swapped one dependency for another. Is that what you want to be to him?

Tbh if the OP has never met the parents he could be telling her any old bollocks and she wouldn't know any different.

If I was the OP, who is obviously on a generous pension that has allowed her to retire six years early, I wouldn't be looking to move in with someone - God, after decades of living on your own then there is someone there in your face the whole fucking time...I would sell up, rent a nice, but small flat,and spend the next few frittering my money away.

I’d be investigating if I was the op. It sounds dodgy.

I genuinely think OP that what he is not doing with you speaks more than what he is doing with them...He made his choice..If you can live with that its fine but I think you deserve more.

OP, no-one here is being deliberately hurtful. Yes, comments about the relationship are going to hurt because it can be difficult to see the wood for the trees when you’re on the inside so to speak, and no-one wants to be told that if someone wanted to be with you they would be, and the. Fact that they’re not clearly means that you are not a part of their future in the same way that you see them as part of yours. Iyswim.

And while if a woman was posting here she might not be being told that she was weak, a woman would most certainly be being told that she was in an abusive relationship and she should ltb.

But as I said upthread, he spent 40 hours a week with you because you were working together. When you retired he did not put anything in place to ensure that you could spend more time together. He didn’t spend 40 hours a week with you because he wanted to, he spent 40 hours a week with you because circumstances made it possible. When circumstances changed he didn’t.

And let’s be absolutely honest here, he has previously been in a relationship. He didn’t always spend every waking hour with his parents, he has chosen to do that. No-one has that level of control over a human being they previously didn’t have that kind of control over iyswim. If he’d spent his whole life at their beck and call then it would be more understandable but he hasn’t. Cooking dinner and spending every waking moment doing DIY? No way. he’s lying to you about something and is deliberately withholding something so you don’t rock the boat. They are capable of being left alone because they are left alone for 40 hours a week. So he could take some holiday and spend a 40 hour chunk with you one week. He will have paid holiday from work, why does he not spend it with you? Ask yourself why, when for 48 weeks of the year he can spend 40 hours a week away from these people who are so dependent.

If it worked for you then no-one would be saying these things to you. But clearly it doesn’t or you wouldn’t be questioning it now. M

I think it's bollocks

I'd just show up at the house one day and you'll find out it's all nonsense.

And why doesn't he have any savings or a home of his own in all these years?

His working would be way more than what his parents home is worth.

The more posters post - the more cracks appear in the whole set up as described by this man.

I don't think being a carer to parents is that unusual.

What is unusual is the idea that household tasks are taking up most evenings and weekends. This just doesn't sit right. There are 7 people in my house and I certainly don't spend all weekends and evenings doing household tasks. How long does it take to bung a load on, or whizz round with the hoover?

Have you met any of his friends op?

Op I would query how dependent they actually are. I have been a carer to an elderly relative. There is absolutely no way they could have managed alone for 40 hours a week. The fact that they are managing suggests that they are not as infirm as he is saying.

This sounds like some sort of warped Cinderella situation.

I think you have either have to accept the situation as it is because things are very unlikely to change. You’ve been together 3 years and during this time he’s not budged an inch on anything.

Awful to think of OP at 60, waiting for years for a man who doesn't value her. I hope she can just accept the friendship, without hoping for more.

I don’t think he doesn’t value her. I don’t think it’s necessarily just a friendship either. It’s perfectly possible to be in love with someone and for other psychological dynamics to be so powerful as to completely swallow up one’s ability to break away sufficiently to be able to properly sustain a relationship. The important thing for the OP is that what he can offer her is not enough for her. The way in which he is free or able to value her is not enough for her (and would not be enough for most people).

I’d be investigating if I was the op

So would I - but it's hard to avoid the impression that OP doesn't want to risk discovering that the truth is somewhat different to how he's painted it

A PP suggested that she might "talk to the parents herself", but it hardly seems likely he'd allow that. If he's genuinely deep into the FOG the suggestion may terrify him, and if it's true there's a lot he's not telling her he's not going to welcome an opportunity for her to discover more

And who's to say "you're my lifeline" isn't a hook to keep OP in place for when the parents get really incapable ... maybe even with the intention of her becoming a carer in order to protect his inheritance?

I’d go into full teen-stalker mode. Asking the neighbours what the area is like because you’ve heard there might be a house coming up for sale. Googling them all repeatedly. Googling the ex, the past jobs, the lot.

Something is very off here and I’m a bit worried for you. He’s basically not allowed out overnight and I bet that’s nothing to do with the parents at all.

I'm not sure he's not valuing her either, but I'm not sure he values her like the op values him. It seems incredibly one sided.

My concern, and she's not answered the question, is he just comes over for a shag on a Saturday or Sunday. And that's it. No dates, nointention of a full relationship, and he's using his parents as tfor h excuse on why he won't engage further with her.