Dating Thread 158 - Don't wait until the iron is hot to strike

[Greenland55]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Urgh lily the hair stroking made me feel quite queasy!

Actually, talking of boundaries, I replied to someone on POF last year whose message went something along the lines of, "Hey, you're really hot" etc etc.

I asked him if he would go up to a complete stranger in a bar and say the same thing, as that was in effect what he was doing. He apologised and we had a lovely chat after that, but he lived miles away so nothing was ever going to happen. But, there seems to be a filter missing in OLD interactions. People getting uppity if you don't respond in what they think is a fast enough way, people overstepping boundaries of frequency of communication, people overstepping physical boundaries, people being downright rude, people misrepresenting themselves etc. All because they have a screen to hide behind...

101 first date fails nest

Including those who wanted to meet up again then changed their mind after...

@Mel6l72 the first time he stroked my hair was when we first met and he said my hair was beautiful and touched it. I half-laughed and brushed his hand away. The second time was in the coffee shop and again I brushed his hand away as I was embarrassed. I didn't want to make an issue out of it as I had already decided at that point that I wasn't going to see him again.

I thought he might have realised something was up when I cringed when he lurched in for a kiss at the end of the date and then rushed off to a shoe shop but it appears not. He has just sent me a message saying how much he enjoyed meeting me and how he is looking forward to seeing me again.

I am going to send him a polite message back saying it was lovely to meet him too but sadly I didn't feel that there was any chemistry so don't think it would be a good idea to meet again.

It is another guy on POF who is a smoker. He messaged me when I got home and is rather good looking and fit, but I'm afraid smoking is a deal breaker so I'm not going to meet him.

oh lily what a shame you didn't fancy him. I feel similar in that I don't find many of my dates attractive. It really is a depressing moment when you see them for the first time. The thing is,i don't many messages on old so the ones who seem very keen,i spend ages looking at their pics thinking ' well,he isn't bad,maybe he will be my sort in the flesh'?!!

I fancy quite a few people in real life, shorties,baldies and ginger village man did it for me ( alas,never to be heard of again) . It has made me wary of old that I hardly like to invest before a date and must come over very cold or weird!

kerkyra I'm so glad that someone else feels the same way! I was honestly beginning to think that there was something wrong with me. Mr Foodie was perfect on paper for me and we had some really good chats on the phone, but as soon as I saw him I knew that I didn't fancy him. I fancy lots of guys in real life, and I don't have a particular 'type' either. They can be tall or just a bit taller than me, have long hair or be bald, or anything in between, range from a manual worker to an executive - the only physical thing I don't like is bad teeth and being fat!

The ones I date and rather fancy,seem to mess me about!
Not that I've had many dates this year,maybe six

I really don't know what the answer is lily. I suppose I used to be fairly attractive,tall,blonde etc but i'm heading for fifty and in myself I still feel great but in the flesh i'm getting wrinkled,grey around the ears and still have that stone to shift,so maybe i'm trying to punch???! I need a reality check. I need to fancy the guy next door ( actually,not literally,he is 65,lives with his mum and on match!)
Just someone fairly attractive who wants the same as me,who is localish too.That's all

all I ask!

lily Yes I'd realised the smoker was another guy, otherwise it'd have been a convenient deal breaker. He should have got the hint about the hair brushing too.

LilyRose88 that shows low emotional intelligence as well if he didn't pick up on clues as to how the date was going

We really don't ask for much lily :)

Thing is with a first online date it really is the very first time we’ve met them. Obviously if both parties are up for it whahey!! Go for it... but I think of it more like a bit of a sense check of who they actually are compared to what I think I know beforehand. Touching should be mutually agreed I.e. both go in for a hug, lean towards each other, flirting etc etc.

And the second date is more of a date date. I mean I’m hardly an expert... I had someone I’ve not met yet give me a hard time as I wanted to stay in and watch line of duty rather than go for a drink...

How much fun is First Dates though? “Geezers gonna geez”. Her face was a picture!!

@kerkyra exactly, I don't want Bradley Cooper or anything! In fact the guys I fancy often aren't conventionally good looking, but there is something about them that gets my juices flowing. And like you I want someone who is reasonably local. Mr Foodie was a one hour 50 minute drive away, and even though he said he didn't mind driving I did wonder how it would have panned out in the long term.

I know that I look decent for my age and I keep myself in shape by running and going to the gym, but I'm not after Mr Perfect. Mr Tiler was in decent shape but he wasn't massively good looking, there was just something about him that I found sexy. Mr Much Younger on the other hand was quite good looking, but physically he wasn't in brilliant shape.

I have a colleague who appeared on one First Dates show. He thinks they twisted the story and made him look a bit of a knob; most of us think he appeared quite naturally...

@lifegoes speaking as an expert in avoiding conversation (see lifetime of zero dating for qualifications )

It goes like this:
You know exactly what is pushing your buttons, you described it very clearly above, when it happens you say

"That's for me to know "
Followed immediately by a question about something else.

This moves the conversation straight past the thing you don't like, if they persist then do not reply, they will fill the "dead air" soon enough.

You have to practice to get good at it, having a plan is what lets you practice.
If you can find a way to take control of the conversation when this crops up, then it will start to bother you less.

Mel6l72 🤣 Thank you, I needed a laugh...

@vwman I do agree that he wasn't very self aware as I definitely flinched when he first touched my hair and I brushed his hand away. I was very surprised when he did it again in the coffee shop, and I brushed his hand away a bit more assertively. I also felt that my hasty exit having avoided his lurch for a full-on snog should have made him suspect that maybe I wasn't that keen, but he seemed blissfully unaware.

He has read my WhatsApp message but not replied, which is probably for the best.

@LilyRose88 and he is now feeling very confused as he has no idea what could possibly have gone wrong in the time since he left you and now

@vwman I agree he is probably very confused!

Attraction is a funny thing isn’t it? I don’t really have a type, and I’ve had a few dates where I’ve thought from their pictures “oh he looks nice” then seen them and thought oh maybe not... something about their face in motion, or how they move or speak, or just a lack of that elusive “chemistry”.

Then I’ve met guys who on paper wouldn’t tick all my boxes, or their pics aren’t great but you meet and it’s like BAM. The sexual heat and attraction could be cut with a knife! Mr Mystery was like that - I suppose the romantics would call it love at first sight but I don’t believe in that. How can you love someone you don’t know? Not even lust at first sight - it goes deeper than that. It’s like a simpatico thing, you meet them and go ohhhhhh yes I like you. And you start to spark off each other and it’s brilliant.

@LilyRose88 reading your posts made me shudder! That complete lack of self awareness, not picking up on your dislike of his actions.

I have to say that the previous 3 guys I dated before MrSAS didn’t turn me weak at the knees when I first met them but if we got on well and they didn’t repulse me that I gave it another date and 2 out of the 3 I ended up seeing for a few weeks as they grew on me!

I thought MrSAS was good looking but wasn’t sure if there was massive chemistry (I don’t know how to measure chemistry as I get on with most people) on either side. He said he’d like to see me again so we did but it wasn’t until the third date really that I knew I fancied him.

I’m not saying that this particular guy was for you Lily but I do think sometimes it takes more than one date to know (unless you definitely know on date 1)

@Sunshineandflipflops I agree that sometimes people can grow on you but if the thought of them kissing you makes you cringe then I don't think there is much hope

I do usually reflect on whether I am being hasty but in this case I think I was right to decide not to meet him again. He told me straight away when we sat down in the coffee shop that he really fancied me, and I didn't reciprocate. I changed the subject after a slightly awkward silence. I think he has a lack of self awareness sadly.

Intrigue is important for me. I want to look at someone and think I want to know more about them.