Dating Thread 158 - Don't wait until the iron is hot to strike

[Greenland55]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

@vwman Wow...it sounds like maybe she needs to work on her self esteem before OLD.

Quite right Ant, mine seems to be very happy that the appreciation is reciprocal. We are both enjoying it.

I totally agree about how difficult it can be when you’ve had shitty relationships to come to terms with supportive, kind partners and what it’s like to just routinely have someone be nice to you and tolerant of mistakes.

@WarIsPeace is right that someone with a healthy relationship history probably doesn’t realise quite how low the bar might be set.

I’m glad you talked to MrCornish @JeSuisPrest. And you approached it in the right way: framing it as your issue rather than an accusation about what he’s been doing. Obviously telling him what he can and cannot do would be weird and possessive, but explaining why you might sometimes get ridiculous about it (and that you’re genuinely trying to stop doing this) is important. So long as you do take steps to improve the situation (both for yourself and for the relationship).

It’s bloody hard opening up to someone (even someone you love and trust) about the terrible things that have happened to you and their lasting effects. It took me several months to actually tell MrSG about the really awful stuff my ex did (taking the grand total of people in real life I’ve told about the sexual abuse to 3: a very good friend, a counsellor and now MrSG). I’d told him it was really bad before, but you have to be really sure you can trust some kind before you tell them that kind of thing.

It does sound like counselling might be useful for you. I had some really good counselling after I broke up with my ex. But I still have to work hard against unhelpful thought processes that are the lasting effects of a dreadful relationship.
And, also like you, a legacy of a crappy childhood (which, I think, definitely explains how I ended up in the crappy relationship).

I hadn't realised how low my bar was until I read this thread. I have never been abused and have only been out with 'nice' men but certainly my ex was not as attentive or interested in me as he should've been whereas I became a stepford wife catering for his every need.

I have a date Saturday night with Mr Runner. It's taxiable so I can drink and hopefully relax more than with my other irons.

I think it’s very easy for anyone socialised as a woman to fall into that trap, @StealthNinjaMum.

I hope the date goes well on
Saturday.

I could do with an opinion or two please!

So MrSAS and I have been seeing each other around 2 months now. A|ll going well, I like him a lot and think it's reciprocated (as much as you can ever be sure after being cheated on and lied to previously) .

He is coming over later and staying. My Exh has the kids overnight and as they are still at school, a case goes back and forth with their things in. On a wednesday, my ex usually drops the case at my house on his way to work after taking the kids to school. He has a key, which is fine as it's still half his house and I know he would never let himself in uninvited. I have usually left for work though when he drops the case off.

I am working from home in the morning and MrSAS doesn't work on a wednesday anyway so when my ex drops the case off, MrSAS will most likely be there. He can stay out of the way and I can take the case off him at the door but he will still see the car on the drive.

My question is, do I tell my ex I am seeing someone?

I asked MrSAS what his thoughts were about telling him and he said he has told his ex about me so he has no issue with me telling my ex about him. The thing is though, I was seeing someone for 6 weeks last year, who led me to believe he was serious about me so I told the kids and my ex that I was seeing someone and then he ended things very soon after so I wished I hadn't have said anything!

sunshine I think out of courtesy you should tell exh he is there. I don't know what your relationship with him is like so it's hard to know how much you would normally share with him but I think if it's obvious there is someone else in the house, and he has a key, I think it would be polite to say something. I might be tempted to say something like 'I haven't told the children yet because I want to wait and see if it turns out to be something serious' or something along those lines just so exh doesn't say anything to them inadvertently.

jesuis I think it is worth having therapy on that topic. I have a lot of very close male friends (in fact, I went away with one this weekend and shared a hotel room!) but nothing sexual ever happens with them. I have almost always gone out with men who have very close female friends as there are a lot of people who do not get different sex friendships, which is a shame. It really is a state of mind and I once started a relationship with someone who didn't get it and had to very quickly end it because the jealousy took about 48 hours to drive me absolutely potty. Those who don't get jealous find it very very hard to cope with those who do so I think you owe it to yourself to try and sort it out - if for no other reason that it will make you feel a lot better!

@DaffoDeffo thanks you so much - I have just sent something along those lines and he has replied with "Ok thanks".

@StealthNinjaMum I read that as taxable and for a second thought you'd be able to claim it back. Or not.

@WarIsPeace God forbid indeed. He carries my bag. Such a minuscule thing.

I think a lot of us have been in really crap relationships before and it comes as a bit of a shock to deal with someone appearing kind or thoughtful, or God forbid, nice to us.
^this
Thank you @WarIsPeace this is exactly what I needed today, just back from date number 2 with Mr Hat. He's very....nice. And my instant reaction is to run away. Because I don't know what nice is like.

@Sunshineandflipflops 6am this morning I sent Miss Artist a message wishing her a good day, she has not responded yet, perhaps she has not been online I don't know. I would have invited her for a coffee as she lives in the same town, a nice couple of hours on the seafront. Even if was only as a friend. But I can't do anything if she ghosts me.

Completely agree War - I have some stuff going on and Mr BC's first reaction is 'how can I help you'. Which is followed quickly by a slightly exasperated 'Bats, ley me help you. I know you're independent and can deal with stuff but I want to help'! He's so lovely it makes me feel a bit weepy 😕

I think a lot of us have been in really crap relationships before and it comes as a bit of a shock to deal with someone appearing kind or thoughtful, or God forbid, nice to us.

I think you should not really be looking at how he treats you, it is easy to fake in the short term, but instead how he treats other people when he is with you, is he kind friendly and polite to them. That is when true personality and character shows.

I’m also scared of ‘nice’, I instantly think they are hiding something or they are fake, I guess I’m a bit of a man hater due to several bad experiences, I also concentrate hard on protecting myself so the slightest hint of something and I’m out of there.

I’m not sure what to think of Mr Dog, he seems a bit negative about life, moans a lot. On our first date he moaned about having a bad back (and a few other things), 2nd date he had a cold and kept moaning, he also moaned about having to see his niece for her birthday, moaned that he doesn’t really like kids and just generally moaned about life. I’m a pretty happy go lucky type, have worked through tough times of feeling fed up with life, I’m worried being with someone so negative will bring me down? I was also shocked to find out he’s younger than me (only by 5 months) as he looks older than me and seems quite unfit. We get on ok, he messages a lot but I’m not sure if there’s any romance there. He also seems to have a issue with me having kids, however much i explain to him that ‘my kids never stay at their dads’ he doesn’t seem to get it, keeps trying to plan weekends away which I can’t do.

I think I need to keep my options open and maybe find some new irons? Or give up for the summer and concentrate on my hobbies and meeting people in RL?

Mr Dog does not sound right for you. He's not at all on board with the kids thing, so it wouldn't work even if he was otherwise great.

Personally, I couldn't cope with the moaning though. My ex was the most negative person in the world. It was so draining. Every day was a constant stream of complaints and general pessimism. It sucks any joy out of your life and ruins everything.

Lovemusic to be honest Mr Dog sounds like a bit of a downer. Just imagine if he was a bigger part of your life - how would he add value to it? I have been in a relationship with a negative person and it is really depressing. They can never see the positive things in life and after a while it just wears you down. He wouldn't be a keeper for me, that's for sure.

Crust my ex husband was a negative person, he had no dreams or expectations other than failure and misery, this is why I’m wary, I’m not sure if he’s always negative or if it’s a bit of a act, yes he was poorly Sunday which didn’t help but it also reminded me how I don’t want to be looking after another man child.

I think I will go back on POF tonight and maybe flick through tinder to try and find someone a bit more positive.

Lovemusic33 - It doesn't sound like you're that into him. Regardless of the negative stuff, the situation with the kids isn't going to change, this is why I think it's better to have an iron with a similar family set up - they just "get" the logistics of managing kids/dating/working etc.

@Lovemusic33 the kids thing would put me off as much as anything. I take it he doesn’t have kids? I actually try and avoid men without kids as I don’t think they can fully empathise with how your life revolves around them.

I think the kids thing can be really difficult. In some ways, its much more complicated if you both have kids. But it does mean that you both realise the impact and import of children in their parents' lives.

My ex (who was stepfather to DS1 from 7-17) didn't have kids (before DS2). He was difficult anyway, but a big problem was that he just could not understand what a child of DS's age would be like at any point. He just refused to. And he had a total martyr complex about the step-parenting thing, which was really awful.

However, I don't think he is representative of anyone else really. He's his own unique, special case of crappy individual. I'm sure lots of men who don't have children make good stepfathers (my stepdad has no kids of his own, and he sees my sister and I as daughters, particularly my sister).

Mr Far has gone out of his way to emphasise how he understands if I need to cancel or rearrange due to the children, and has meant it. We've both got messy lives and neither of us expects perfection, just honesty and a fair chance.
Most of all, we are very compatible and on the same wavelength so it's just a pleasant addition to my life and not an additional stressor.

My stbxh was also a miserable twat. Always 'tired' never got excited about anything or really showed enjoyment... I am such a 'happy' person and get a little excited about trips away and Christmas etc. The total opposite of him.

This thread has realised in a way I don't know what it's like to have a man that is 'nice' to me. Little gestures that exh Just would never do, yet they just come naturally to MrFox. At first I found it a bit unnerving in a 'why is he doing that, what has he done wrong' kind of way. Now I realise he's just a decent man.

@Lovemusic33 the kid thing would be a deal breaker for me.

@Lovemusic33 sounds to me as if Mr Dog is depressed with psychosomatic ailments and not being able to see the good in anything

He might also just be a miserable git.

I don't think we need to internet diagnose him. It makes no difference whether it's depression or a dour nature; he doesn't seem to be right for @Lovemusic33 regardless.