Dating Thread 158 - Don't wait until the iron is hot to strike

[Greenland55]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Aw @JeSuisPrest he sounds like a nice, decent man.
I know how you feel to some degree- my ex cheated on me several times and then had a year long affair. It absolutely destroys your self confidence and trust in men in general but as hard as it is to believe, not every man is like them.
Do you think counselling could help? It has helped me immensely.

@jesuisprest he sounds like a lovely man and ive followed your romance on here, but I think your anxieties have the potential to drive him away. You need to fix those somehow, maybe talk it through with him or a counsellor otherwise you'll be missing out on great people.

@vwman

It is a tricky one, my non-knobhead ex was a very close friend before we dated, he is still a very close friend, we’re also part of the same friendship group and have been for ten years. I’m personally not going to give that up, so if someone didn’t like it then i would know we weren’t suited.

My last ex was very jealous of him (he had no reason to be, I would never cheat, when we were living together but split up I still wouldn’t/didn’t get with anyone else despite having the opportunity), I wasn’t willing to be isolated and give up my friendship.

Some people don’t like that sort of thing, which is fine, you just have to accept in that case they aren’t the right person for you. It doesn’t mean they aren’t ready for a relationship.

We've just spoken for an hour. We're OK. He has no intention of dumping me over this, couldn't believe I would even think that, says he cares too much about me and wishes he could give me a massive hug. He says he will be mindful of how things may be construed by me and my crazy way of putting 2 and 2 together and getting 483. He's very sorry I was upset, but having never been cheated on he admits he just doesn't "get" it and that's fine, it's my issue not his, but now at least he's aware of it.

I apologised a lot and said I would never stop him seeing his friends, but I just need to stop thinking every other woman is a threat to our relationship and that will come with time.

I need to get a handle on this. I watched a couple of the Brene Brown TED talks and I'm going to seriously look at getting some counselling about trust issues in general. A lot of it stems back to a crap childhood which I don't want to go into on this thread, not just my marriage, but it was the cheating in my marriage that finished me off and gives me the "dump them before they dump you" mentality.

We're speaking again before we go to bed. What a day, thanks to those who held my hand on the rollercoaster when I wanted to jump off at the top instead of waiting for the ride to stop...

I'm pleased you have chatted it through @JeSuisPrest he sounds a really lovely guy and just keep telling yourself that and if needs be, wrote down what he said on the phone. So if you are ever feeling a bit like this, you can read it.

I found therapy helped me with my ex and trust issues. Well helps me understand why and how to deal with it

I am so relieved jesuis.

Great news @JeSuis

So relieved for you JeSuis

Oh that’s fab, I was worried you wouldn’t get a reply this evening, I’m so pleased for you.

JeSuis, that’s great - sounds like he really cares about you. I would like to find someone who cares about me even half as much as that.

Really happy for you jesuis. I’m totally over invested in you and mr Cornish so really glad you’ve made it through today.

Just had our bed time natter - all good in the hood (no harm on the farm? 🤔) . More apologising from both of us, I feel like a weight has been lifted off me and he feels no different to how he did yesterday about me so I've not scared him off. Yet.

He's up at 3.45am and supposed to be asleep now but I just got a lovely WhatsApp from him which brought a tear to my eye, because quite honestly if he'd done to me today what I did to him I'd be thinking "Fuck. This. Shit" and be planning an exit strategy. Both cheeks back firmly on the smitten bench though I'll need to be excused to see my therapist at some stage...

I bloody love you lot - and I'm saying that sober!

He sounds like a keeper JeSuis I'm so relieved for you.

Date number 2 with Mr Hat tomorrow. I can't remember much about him from our first date, nor even what he looks like, and his profile picture is nothing like him.

Very happy for you Jesuis 👍
Clearly he's a good bloke and feels as strongly about you as you do him. Sounds like a keeper to me as this hasn't scared him off 😂
Don't let your past experiences fuck up your future ones. For the most part we're supposed to be improving on our exes aren't we? Not letting the damage the exes have done drive away anybody decent.

JeSuis I've dashed in from rehearsal, skimmed the thread, and - phew! - so pleased you didn't do anything rash. MrCornish sounds so understanding. I will echo what some of the others have said - a few sessions of counselling will help you reset your thinking here. I'm going through this myself, not that my late husband cheated, but he was emotionally abusive and I had to fight for everything. We have a married couple in our play, and tonight at rehearsal, the wife realised she'd forgotten her script. She asked her husband to pop home and get it, but in a nice way not demanding. And he did. My husband didn't even take me to hospital when I had a suspected broken thumb. My counselling is letting me acknowledge that things between us weren't right, especially as he's not here to talk to. I know now what I will and won't put up with. I have put some of it into practice through OLD.

Anyway, if I may be permitted, I'll move the bench of invisibility over to the smitten area. You lot need more room. It's looking like Wednesday will be a date night. 😶 I'll call him Mr Swiss. He's not Swiss though...

I'm wondering whether POF have a prohibited list of phrases now. I noticed a couple of days ago that a message I sent saying "goodnight, I need to go to bed now" was not delivered neither was one last night mentioning the word sex, meaning gender when I used it. Do they now have nipple police to cut down on the sex pest chat?

Received a message from a woman, an artist, last night saying "you will not be interested in me" in a roundabout way. She was concerned as she just has one leg. I have a friend who is a London Paralympian whose body got smashed up in a bike accident many years ago who can only walk about 1mph with aid. If she was not already in a relationship I would be interested in her so I don't see why not with Miss Artist.

@vwman it’s s hame she feels she needs to start conversations with that. I understand she wants to be open from the beginning about her disability but that just sounds so negative.

@JeSuis Really glad all is well with you

I am seeing MrSAS tonight and have woken up feeling queasy. Trying not to think about it as here’s no way I’m cancelling!

@NestOfSwipers I'm always surprised at other people's relationship interactions too. st the lack of irritation and how they do stuff for each other. It's an eye opener.

Really happy for you @JeSuisPrest ☺️

@Sunshineandflipflops her headline on POF actually states "Looking for someone genuine as damaged"

I think a lot of us have been in really crap relationships before and it comes as a bit of a shock to deal with someone appearing kind or thoughtful, or God forbid, nice to us.

I often feel like saying you have no idea how low the bar has been set when mine thinks its routine stuff

Eg he's brought me food, meals he's made twice. My stbxh hadn't cooked for me except in the immediate post natal period.

He offered to pick up some milk on the way over. He listens to feedback and acts on it. He is able to communicate his feelings.

All routine stuff, but not what I'm used to at all

Conversely it's also fantastic to find somebody who appreciates you being caring and thoughtful