Dating Thread 158 - Don't wait until the iron is hot to strike

[Greenland55]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

I've had a lump in my throat and been close to tears all day over this. He's asked if there's something wrong as my messages have been really short and infrequent. I'll speak to him later but haven't a clue what to say? I've got more issues than Vogue over infidelity and I get so jealous when he talks to other women I want to cry because it makes me feel so insecure about myself. I can't ask him to stop being friends with her so I suck it up and feel fucking miserable? 🤷🏻‍♀️

@JeSuisPrest - please don't do it! Has anything else been said? He gave you assurance and it is an awkward situation (for him).

Sorry, x post. Aww JeSuis, I really feel for you. It's perfectly normal to feel jealous. You can and will learn to trust him and you will become less insecure. Please give him a chance. Tell him about your ex and ask for his patience while you learn to trust again. If he's a good bloke, he'll understand. Don't let this get the better of you. What will be, will be.

jeSuis I hope you manage to fight these feelings, it is hard when you have been hurt before, I’m pretty insecure myself after the last relationship I was in ended with me finding out he had been sleeping with other women and sending sexual messages to someone who was apparently ‘just a friend’. I find dating hard because I don’t know the person I’m dating well enough to know what they are up to 24/7. I try to tell myself that worrying is not going to make any difference, if someone’s going to cheat they will cheat and if I’m not good enough for them then that’s their loss. Talk to him, maybe ask for a bit of space to gather your thoughts, hopefully he will reassure you.

You don’t have to suck it up. You can just talk to him about how you are feeling insecure and why. If he’s the man you think he is, he’ll respond supportively.

At this point in our lives, we all have issues of various sorts. Every one of us. And it takes time, effort and sympathetic support for us to move past them. If a relationship is going to be right for you, then it will have to offer that support and understanding.

And don’t berate yourself for having spent the day close to tears. I’d be lying if I claimed not to have done the same over my own issues. The last time it happened, I’d done something annoying and MrSG was (reasonably) annoyed with me about it. But, having spent a decade walking on eggshells with a man who set me tests (you couldn’t but fail these tests) and who never actually loved me (and treated me dreadfully in various ways), I found myself panicking and worrying that I’d fucked everything up. I hadn’t, but I need to recognise that a decade of being convinced I’m awful and unloveable is not something I’m going to get over immediately.

It doesn’t mean a relationship is doomed. It just means we all have issues we need to work through.

You're just protecting yourself from getting hurt and it's normal behaviour. Many on here would feel just the same. I take it he has told her all about you? It's very odd that she didn't want to take the children for the walk so that in itself is a high threat to you. Chat tonight and I am sure he will understand x

jesuis I’d just tell him how you feel. You have a history of being cheated on so you have trust issues. That’s not to say he had done anything wrong but you may be what he considers to be over sensitive in certain situations and you hope he can be mindful of that.

He’s clearly very in to you. Don’t finish with him!!!!

jesuis I've been plagued by trust issues re: OLD the last year - maybe the nature of the beast. Anyway, fwiw? I loved reading Brene Brown's book 'Daring greatly' - it's all about vulnerability. Self sabotage. Boundaries. Asking for what you need. Having faith. It's made an enormous difference to my life. Maybe it will help going forward with trust issues? But the first port of call i'd say is really to be honest about how you feel, he seems like someone you can trust with feelings of vulnerability.

@jesuis Another plus one here for talking to him in person about it. If a girl that I was seeing said that to me I would do everything in my power to put their mind at rest and fight for them. I'm sure he's emotionally intelligent enough to understand.

Also have you considered a little therapy/counselling for your trust issues. Your ex has done a number on you, as have many of ours. I can no longer go on whatsapp and not worry about the 'online' status thing after what mine did to me but after therapy it doesn't affect me in the same way and I can do some 'decatastrophising' exercises to sort my head out.

JeSuis echoing all the others here - please don't end it!! Talk to him and explain. He sounds like a lovely man with the sensitivity to understand.

I'm clearly in a minority here. But if someone I'd been seeing for a month was jealous/insecure about me meeting a friend of the opposite sex who I'd known for 7 years I'd run for the hills. @JeSuisPrest I think you need some therapy. This is normal stuff. Mr Unsuitable has loads of women friends he sees alone. As did my ex. As do I! If a new relationship kicked off about it I'd see that as controlling and a massive red flag. Sorry.

JeSuis I know exactly where you're coming from but you really can't make Mr Cornish pay for your ex's issues, it's very very hard to trust when you've been cheated on in a marriage but you have to give a new partner the opportunity to prove themselves.

I sometimes wonder how a woman would react to me as my best friend is my ex, and I would not cut contact with her for anyone. In fact I go to stay with her on a regular basis to see the three dogs we had together which she now looks after. When I got together with her I was introduced to her male friends many of whom I realised were in fact ex lovers, however I felt secure as I realised she wanted to be with me not anyone else all that was in the past. She later told me that she liked me because I was not clingy unlike other men.

Its not in my nature to cheat, I had never so much as kissed another woman whilst in a relationship and never will however this has made me think about how someone else might feel about my ex especially if they had experienced infidelity and how I might deal with it.

@vwman that's a good point. Personally I would probably find it strange to date a guy whose best friend was an ex - just because that hardly ever happens (doesn't make it wrong though). If someone does have an issue the best way to deal with it is to include your new partner with your ex as much as possible, so she could see its just a genuine friendship.

@vwman Finally you speak sense! . But as usual you generalise. Some women might struggle with this. So you find one of the many who would find that normal and not bat an eyelid.

I have to disagree with that comment @Peanuthedz "you find one of many that would find that normal"

I think it really depends on THAT relationship. I haven't been cheated on as such, but I've been the OW without knowing, I've been lied to, controlled with an inch of my life. In many relationships. I always always give trust until it's betrayed! But that doesn't stop me getting in to situations like below.

Personally, I would discus it with my new man as I would expect them to do this to me. Then I would always ensure they felt comfortable with the situation.

I've had men hate that I have a lot of Male friends, but I've always made sure that once I'm aware of this, how they must feel. So try to reassure them.

It's so hard trying to meet someone.
I'm actually blocking people now on what's app when I think they are just too busy or too bloody weird.
I had a couple of dates last 2 week. But both were duds.
Unless I think someone is on my level I'm not going to bother.
Maybe I should quiz people more..

I dont think hes married/relationshipped - hes entirely consistent with communications. Probably just not that into me.

We've spoken. He's at the pub now with her and some other friends. Says I've practically accused him of cheating and he's done nothing wrong. He's right I have. I am a fuckwit. He's going to call me later when he gets home. I don't think this is going to end well. Another one bites the dust. Think I just need to stick to FWB. I'm not girlfriend material/cut out for a LTR.

Thanks for everyone's comments x

I have a quick date tomorrow eve. He is alot shorter and quite a bit older than me but I like his banter and think he could be a grower. Unless I'm completely bowled over by him but that's unlikely,thats only ever happened on a few dates. Local too,I'm still sticking with my 10 miles radius .

Stop writing yourself off jesuis. Have an open, honest conversation with him. You've nothing to lose.

@JeSuisPrest only skim read the thread so please forgive me if I've missed something but do you think there's a possibility of salvaging this if you speak to him openly about it?
It may well be that she has feelings for him, or she may not at all but if he doesn't have feelings for her and sees her just as a friend then that's what's really important here.
I have a few close male friends and while yes I value my relationship with Mr 24 above them, I'd still be fairly miffed if he began making demands about me seeing them. Likewise, he has 1 fairly close female friend who I'd never dream of asking him to not spend time with.
I'm speaking as someone who has been lied to and cheated on so I know how difficult it is to trust but I'm in agreement that you can't judge everyone on your exes actions.
I've been with Mr 24 for nearly 10 months now so we've spoken quite openly about our pasts and insecurities etc, I know it's still early days with you guys but perhaps opening up a little to him would help him understand if you think he's worth it?

@JeSuisPrest you are not a fuckwit you acted like a fuckwit there is a difference. You are cut out for LTR you have done it before, you are just acting like you are not.

It really all depends on his attraction level to you now, if it is high more than an 8 out of 10 he will want to talk through it and understand you.

He phoned again from the car on his way home and said he hates to think of me being upset over it. He seems to have calmed down a little and we talked. I apologised, he said he understood where I was coming from and how it may look with her getting a babysitter etc. but he would never lie to me and had he done anything so far that would lead me to believe he would hurt me in anyway? No he hasn't, he's been an absolute sweetheart and dotes on me when we're together. Of course, typical Cornwall the signal keeps dropping out so he's ringing me when he's home so we can have a proper chat. Hope to have a better update later.

jesuisprest I have just skim read this was feeling sick for you until your last update. I hope you can resolve this, he does sounds lovely.

Like vwman I have never kissed anyone else while in a relationship. There are many of us around. Let's hope Mr Cornish is like that too.