Dating Thread 158 - Don't wait until the iron is hot to strike

[Greenland55]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Gosh this OLD malarkey can be hard work. I have some chats going on but I don't really feel like playing the game at the moment. I have one date provisionally arranged for Saturday and someone else who I think I am meeting on Friday. I have had a few messages on POF but I haven't bothered replying, ditto on Tinder, as I get confused if I have too many conversations going on at the same time, and nobody has grabbed my attention yet.

The guy I may be meeting on Friday gives the best chat, but I think he is rather overweight. His photos are all head shots and what I can see of his body (not much) looks quite large. It may be the angle of the photo but I don't think so. I really don't find overweight men attractive, but I can't think of a polite way of asking him.

I have chatted on the phone to the guy I am meeting on Saturday and he seems okay but I am not sure that there is a spark. I will go ahead and meet him and hopefully I will be pleasantly surprised.

JeSuis I would be jealous in your position but I am pretty insecure anyway so I may not be the best person to judge.

I think you should be honest with him jesuis. If he's as lovely as you've made him sound, he will understand.

I don't think there's anything in it from his side. If anything, it sounds like he's almost asking you how he should deal with it. She sounds totally exasperating and he sounds like he's being 'too nice' in not setting his boundaries more appropriately.

being 'too nice' can be a curse btw - he probably needs to grow a backbone to deal with her but he won't thank you for saying that. I would mention to him that her persistent attention makes you feel insecure, not because you're worried about his actions, but because he's obviously such a good catch that he has other women trying to get in on the action. Adding a bit of flattery in to your comment will probably help!

JeSuis I don't think there's anything wrong with telling him you have some concerns as to her motives. You won't be declaring yourself as neurotic, jealous or paranoid, just indicating that whilst he's trying to be a good friend perhaps he needs to put some boundaries in place.
If he's messaged you 3x without reply he already knows you're not happy, don't let it fester if he just thinks he's being a good friend.

Fuck it, I've sent a message - I may be swiping again soon, but I got it off my chest...

OK, I'm breathing normally again now:-

My message: You know I'll always be 100% honest with you. I'm not sure J sees you as a completely platonic friend, whatever you think, and let's face it, you're a bloke so oblivious to most stuff. Some things you've said over the last few weeks have made my spidey senses tingle. I trust you, but be careful. She's looking for an out from her relationship with G and I'm concerned she might be thinking you're an ideal candidate. xx

His reply: It is purely platonic. I've known her for years. Your spidey senses are very sensitive! She won't need any excuse to split with G if that's what they still want to do, so don't worry. I'll take it as a compliment, thank you. Will message you from the beach later. xx

(Then some other personal stuff which leaves me in no doubt he's not looking elsewhere...)

jesuis I would feel the same as you so well done for sending the message.
My date for tomorrow evening has just cancelled, just said he is needed at work but hasn't suggested another date. I suppose I should be happy I wasn't stood up.
I have another iron I have been chatting to but it's been two days now and no suggestion of a date. And as I am not 100% I fancy him I don't want to ask,go on a date then say not for me,if you know what I mean!? I have a childfree weekend coming up and this hasn't happened for a while so trying to get a date without appearing too desperate!

JeSuisPrest you could always send this 28 year old over here for a while, I could keep her busy, and I need a bit of cleaning done as well.

Well done, JeSuis for saying something. And I'm happy for you about the answer I'd like to think I'd say something if I'd been in that situation but I might have juat let it fester

Yay rich welcome to the smitten bench. And yay to the L-bomb daters 💕

I had the most amazing birthday/weekend away. The L word used several times. I'm just smiling to myself at work because I'm happy. I'm trying very hard not to think that it might all crash and burn ...

For whoever asked (I can't remember now) I met Mr BC on Fab - a little of our conversation was about sex but we also chatted about other things.

That's great batshit - best birthday ever!

Batshit so glad you had a lovely weekend with Mr BC.

Not really OLD but need some advice (someone to tell me not to reply to him). My first love tried to make contact with me this morning, it’s not the first time, we chatted for a while 5 years ago but I was married and he was engaged with a young child, he kept asking me to meet up with him, told me he has always regretted breaking up with me, I refused and after a while he vanished because his partner found out (I think), they went on to have at least one more child and until now I hadn’t heard from him. We were engaged young, worked together and lived together then one day he just left, said he didn’t love me and that he wasn’t ready (to be fair we were 18/19). I have thought about him a lot over the years but kind of excepted that nothing would ever happen. So today he contacts me through Fb, he hasn’t really said anything but obviously wants me to respond. I should ignore shouldn’t I? It would be like opening a can of worms? I did look at his profile and I think he has 3 children but unsure if he is married or single.

@Lovemusic33 do not reply! Just ignore. You don't want to get embroiled in a messy situation.

@JeSuisPrest I would've said something too. I'm glad you have and feel better about things.

I think I’d ignore or politely shut that one down @Lovemusic33. It’s a while ‘one that fit away’ fantasy. But, if you strip all the romance away, he left you and married someone else and had 3 kids with her. He’s probably still married to someone else.

That way heartache lies, I fear.

Well done for saying what you needed to @JeSuisPrest. I don’t think you’re being at all unreasonable to be uncomfortable with the situation at all.

Thank you, I know I shouldn’t reply and I haven’t, chances are he’s either still married or going through a messy break up. I don’t want to get involved. I shall ignore.

My one iron takes 3-4 days to reply to a text and its bloody annoying. Deleting his number will be my next move.

Queenbetty I couldn't put up with someone who takes 3-4- days to reply to a text. It sounds like he either has lots of conversations going on at once or he is already in a relationship. Have you suggested meeting up? That should give you an indication of how serious he is about dating.

I'm going to finish with him. I don't need the anxiety wondering what he's up to. It's not fair on him or me. I'll be like a dog with a bone now as far as she's concerned so it's doomed anyway. Another relationship my cheating stbxh has has fucked up for me by turning me into paranoid, doubting, anxiety ridden twat.

Jesuis if I knew you IRL I'd be taking your phone off you and giving you a good talking to 😂 Don't do that, he sounds like the sort of decent bloke who can stop you behaving like that over time. If you really like him don't let the behaviour of your STBX dictate your future relationships.

@JeSuis What @Ant330 said! I know where you are coming from as my exh had an affair so i feel like I'll always be a little paranoid but I also refuse to let the behaviour of my exh dictate my future relationships. Are you seeing him soon so you can have a chat about it? Don't do anything hasty that you might regret.

@JeSuisPrest please don't end it with him. He has been honest with you and given you no reason not to trust him. It can be difficult when an abusive ex has undermined your self-confidence but please listen to what people are telling you on here - don't make any hasty decisions.

@JeSuisPrest Don't! Stop! Put down the phone! Mr Cornish sounds like a gem. Don't f* yourself over

@JeSuisPrest Just step back and don’t do anything right now. Wait and have a proper conversation with MrCornish about the situation and how your history affects this.

How he responds to it all will help you to decide what to do. If he’s as you described, then he should be understanding and supportive. He doesn’t have to be an emotional crutch for his friend’s STBExW. And he’d probably be doing her a favour by drawing my clearer boundaries.

@JeSuisPrest you do know that this is just self sabotaging behaviour and if you allow it your stbxh will still be controlling your life and stopping you having happiness. You are probably feeling this way because you have previously buried these feelings. Just ride with them and feel them for now and believe me you will get beyond this.