Dating Thread 158 - Don't wait until the iron is hot to strike

[Greenland55]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

I think if you feel the need to multidate so that you can make comparisons, you really haven't established in your mind what you are looking for. Although appearance wise I am easy going, I know the values and qualities I want therefore am happy to date one at a time. Sometimes I just one date to know, but am happy for a second rather than judge someone over a hour or two. A good indicator for me is, does everything seem easy with her.

I haven't had a date for about 3 weeks, got turned down yesterday, but that was as much me withdrawing from it as I just needed to take a break. I sometimes find it emotionally draining.

* I don't get married anymore, instead every 15 years I just buy a woman I hate a new house* vwman this has really tickled me this morning although I feel I should be offended 😂

tooold did you really spreadsheet? Sometimes old feels like a job already without loads of admin

I am fed up of multi chatting/ dating but none of my irons are exciting me enough to have my full attention. I think when I get back from my hols I might try shitwith approach and find one iron and give my full attention.

None of my fab irons are working out. I find the messaging too sex based. I know I should expect it from fab but I am searching for connection not NSA. I am so fed up of the constant request for more pics and hearing about how horny they are or how they have a super high sex drive. I feel like they make me mean as I become a snarky responder

batshit and comedyboobs I think your guys were from fab? When you started messaging was it all sex based or am I ok to expect a normal nice convo?

What I've learned from my marriage/divorce and dating is (nothing new or profound) that communicating your feelings is essential even if it's awkward and embarrassing. If you think a man is multi dating and you have caught feelings then all you can do is tell him, if he's not interested in testing out an exclusive situation then you know where you are and agony over. None of us is 18, we haven't got the time or energy for playing games.

MrMetal took a little time to process my request to try being exclusive but if we'd continued as fwb with him seeing other women and me having feelings I'd have had to walk away and that would have been my fault for not speaking up.

I want to get back onto online dating after my mini FWB problem but I'm just finding it hard to strike up any reasonably long conversation which engages me. I read somewhere people like to find dates around the cold periods, then around now like to be single and enjoy their summers young, free and single.

Well I'll be heading back to the apps at some point. Me and MrCamper are no more. Despite him still being lovely in messages over weekend I had a gut feeling something was different so gave him an out and he took it. Didn't make it to the smitten bench so I'm ok. We're going to remain friends apparently - think it's probably lip service on both our parts but at least not a horrible end

shitwith great post and I am sure you are right. I think half of my problem is I don’t know what I want! I think in some ways Mr Big feels safe as he is not emotionally or logistically available to me so I can have fun and get ‘the feels’ knowing it’s not going to become anything proper. Do you still have any contact with Mr Rugby?

Sorry it didn’t work out never

likeriding yes that would certainly be the grown up thing to do!

Marlb - yes I did have a spreadsheet in the early days of OLD as had around 6 irons that I was messaging, lol.
I took the same approach as shit tho when I was dating MrGardener - just concentrating on the one. It was MrWow who told me to stop messing about and take that approach. He later told me it hurt like hell knowing I was getting on but he didn't want to stand in the way of me being happy. Fortunately it all worked out in the end!
Sorry about MrCamper never.

Thanks shitwith in my head I do know and as I have said many times I don’t think I would actually want him if I could have him! I go away today for a week which I think will help the fading away 😁

Well, I'm feeling rather glum this morning, my first 1st date had responded positively to the idea of meeting again, but in arranging the specifics the contact has drifted, and I had no reply last week.

Seeing as I had nowt else to do, I went to the place I'd had in mind by myself and had a fantastic meal . Then sent pictures and a brief review.

Zero indication as to the change of heart, and the last WhatsApp message was blue ticked so I am not blocked. Do feel like I can't even manage to get ghosted properly .

starry don’t be glum
Please see rule 6
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

Glad you had a good meal

Thanks everyone for the responses. I already find myself liking one iron. We have been messaging for over a week with several calls and a facetime now. I would like to concentrate on him but now have the guilts about how I stop talking to the others!
I also worry that as I've not actually met him yet, I might sack off the others and regret it.
I might not be able to meet him for 2/3 weeks and I have another iron asking to meet me this weekend so I'm in 2 minds whether just to go, or leave it as my heart isn't in it as much.

crappyday2018 seems to me as if you are overinvesting in the romantic idea of what what you want this guy to be like. Phone messages are one thing but meeting is another and you may find that he does nothing for you physically or is nothing like you imagined in person. I have had great conversations over the phone but face to face something was missing.

I would continue to talk and meet others in the meantime.

Oh God, I'm self sabotaging and it's like watching a car crash in slo-mo. Help!!!!!!

Mr Cornish has a friend who is away at the moment. This friend has a partner and children. They are in the process of separating. Several things he has said over the last 5 weeks have set my spidey senses tingly regarding the girlfriend. He seems oblivious to these things. As a woman I can see that she may have feelings for him which are crossing the friend line - she has asked if she and the children can come and stay with him for the night (when her stbx has been "annoying" her - he said no, it wouldn't be appropriate), she turns up at his house for no particular reason offering to clean/cook him meals - he is perfectly capable of doing these things himself. She messages him constantly - SAHM with not much of a life outside of their very small community. She asked what he was doing today - he has the day off and he is taking the dogs to the beach. She has invited herself along and says she will get a sitter for the kids so they can go alone!!!!

Fuck me. I've kept a lid on it so far and my response was "Sounds like you've got a fun day planned. Have fun." No kisses. This will not have gone unnoticed by him. He's messaged me a couple of times since about nothing in particular so I either need to ignore it completely and carry on silently seething or say this is making me uncomfortable but that's my issue, not his.

My anxiety is through the roof - this is what you get for sitting on the smitten bench.

Someone give me a slap or tell me they'd be feeling similar?!

Correction: My mesage was "Sounds like you've got a nice day planned. Have fun."

Completely passive aggressive I know, but it may have been lost on him because he obviously thinks I'm a cool girlfriend. I am absofuckinlutely not cool with it.

@vwman yes I'm worried I am over-investing so you're right. For all I know he is talking to other women too.
I just hate this whole 'multiple chats' because when you get to the point they want to meet, I feel as though I don't want to say yes incase.
For example one iron I've only chatted to briefly has already asked me out for a drink this weekend. The iron I am keen on is trying to see if he can get out of working. So I feel like I'm keeping the other one hanging on until find out if he can...

@JeSuisPrest I wouldn't be cool with it. Is he telling you all this though? My first thought would be he may be testing to see if you're jealous. If it was me I would be seething but try not to show it. Not sure how long you've been seeing him (I'm newly returned here).

Gosh @JeSuisPrest I’d be fucked right off too. It sounds like he’s trying hard to maintain boundaries but she’s trampling all over them.

I’d have to say something - if he takes offence then you’ll have to deal with that but it’ll be like the elephant in the room if you don’t. You don’t have to be snarky or bitter but just let him know you’re finding it difficult that she’s setting up dates with him (because that’s what it is really).

This woman is trying to monkey branch, trying to set up an upgrade to her existing relationship because she cannot bear to be alone. Mr Cornish is her target, but would he really go there with a friends ex when perhaps he has been told what she is actually like behind closed doors by his friend?

You just have to trust Mr Cornish that he want you and no one else and try and not show neediness and insecurity to him as that is not attractive. He likes you because you are cool. I would ask Mr Cornish if he knows why her relationship with his friend broke up because she seems quite needy at the moment.

JeSuis I wouldn't be comfortable with it either. I dont do well sitting on things that are bothering me so I'd have to say something. What he chooses to do with that information is up to him but you can then decide where that leaves you as you've been honest

Jesuis - when is friend back? I'd be unhappy with the situation and agree with vwman about how to mention it to MrCornish.
crappy - give it to mid-week then if you've not heard from the iron you want, then go out with the other otherwise you could end up with neither.

@JeSuis I think I’d be feeling insecure in your position but I think Vwman is right...he probably wouldn’t go there anyway and is being honest with you at least but it sounds like he does need to be clearer with her if he’s not interested (which i’m sure he’s not).

I’m seeing MrSAS tomorrow night for the first time in 8 days and I am very excited. I like him way more than I have liked anyone since my separation but I’m just waiting for something to go wrong and I wish I could just relax. It just seems too good to be true-I love hanging out with him, the sex is amazing and I fancy him. I never seem to get all three!

@TooOldForThis67 yes you're right! This is what worries me, I don't want to pee someone off then miss out. But at the same time don't want to string anyone along.

I don't think he's telling me this stuff to make me jealous, it's just what I've picked out of general conversations we've had - he's been friends with the bloke since primary school. The girlfriend has been around for 7 years. He's pretty lax with his phone, he never hides anything on it/takes it to the loo etc so I see her messages flash up - nothing untoward at all, it's just the volume - like she's always reminding him she's around and he's too nice to tell her to fuck off. He even told me about an ex girlfriend of 10 years ago getting in touch the other day on FB asking for a friend request, but he declined as he didn't think it was appropriate - he actually has 1 friend on FB - his brother

I honestly don't think he has any feelings for her, but I can bloody well see she's lining up to make her move on him - do I just let it happen and hope he rebuffs her when it happens?

@vwman - Fuck there's a phrase for it? Shit's getting serious now

They're separating because the friend is at work all the time (so his gf can be a sahm...?), they argue because he doesn't help with the kids, she'd rather be out partying - she's only 28, feels like she's missed out on life etc. Friend is back on Wednesday.

Mr Cornish - 4 bedroomed farm house, beautiful location, solvent, good prospects, kindest, most considerate man I've ever met, no ties - would be a massive improvement on her current situation.

I know he wants me - he's sent me 3 messages I've not yet replied to saying he wishes I was with him today as the weather is so lovely and how much he enjoyed our weekend together and can't wait until we see each other on Wednesday. I could cry, I hate myself for feeling so insecure.