Dating Thread 158 - Don't wait until the iron is hot to strike

[Greenland55]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Meant to be out with Mr Dog today, he’s just messaged saying he’s feeling poorly but hasn’t said if the dates still on or not. I have arrange for the kids to go to their dads early and cancelled all other plans so I will be a bit pissed off if it’s cancelled.

Thank you vwman starryunicorn eesha.

I guess I'll carry on. Maybe it's a communication thing I don't express myself in the same way even though I do feel very happy with my life. I just thought it odd as it was three guys in a row.

Eesha how lovely and compassionate you are. I think I would be tempted to go back to being friends until he's in a better place.

@Eesha definately not good when that happens when one of you gets the feels and the other ones doesn't. I think a rule in FWB is that you do not talk about your personal lives and discuss personal issues as then you then start to invest in that other person. I broke this rule, starting getting the feels as the sex was good, in the end I had to say to her either we try and make a go of this or I have to end it, as someone (me) is going to get hurt.

Morning everyone.
I’m feeling a bit strange this morning. Spoke to MrSAS on the phone about an hour ago. All fine, but he’s spending the day today with his ex wife and two daughters. They are taking the eldest back to where she is at uni together and spending some time there before going home. The rational side of me says this is a lovely thing to be able to do but the irrational side says she had just been dumped by her boyfriend (the ex wife) and actually, I feel a bit weird about it.

None of my business at all and I would never say anything to him, mostly because I know it’s stupid on my part but....oh I don’t know.

I haven’t seen him for a week now due to child arrangements with me and I am starting to feel a bit insecure I think because he’s the first person I actually want to see more then I can. I have my kids this weekend and they are basically happier doing their own thing than being with me so I think i’m Just feeling a bit invisible

@WarIsPeace that's a good point, in person he is perfectly fine, a sea of women in his past but as I've gotten to know him, I've just seen this vulnerability and I was worried it would hurt him. I made it very clear we had no future, numerous times, but he has just wanted to go with the flow. Perhaps I need to just not think too much about it and enjoy it for what it is.

@Sunshineandflipflops I spend time like that with my ex and the kids, we get on well and it's for the children. He has a long term partner too. I know might sound weird but you're the one he is planning hols with, having great sex with, who he sees a future with. This woman is part of his past and they are probably just doing normal, domestic stuff which kinda has to be done. Just plan your next meeting and remind him how great you are!

@vwman I agree but ours was a weird one on that we were friends, then spilled over into physical stuff. I'd never been in a physically satisfying situation and we seemed to click amazingly well in that respect. That's why I'm loathe to let it go, even if my head is saying I'm lying in some way to him (even though I've told him so many times!!!)

@Eesha

You have to focus what is right for you, I would say though you do have to be able to let an FWB go fairly easily, what if they do find a partner?

Mine is an ex, we have been FWB at various points, stopped due to one of us getting relationships etc. Which doesn’t work for all FWB, but it works very well for us as we can be very honest with each other and we do both know the other is being truthful.

@Eesha Every time he has sex with you, he get a little more attached and just a tiny bit more heartbroken. I know that his feelings are his responsibility, but I just wonder whether these mixed messages you are giving out, telling him that you don't want a relationship but still going back to him, knowing he does, is helping

@Eesha even though your FWB is responsible for his own feelings as a PP said, if you know that he's hoping for more than you can give it sounds like trouble ahead and if his friendship matters to you then maybe that's what you need to focus on. Benefits are lovely, but not everything.

@vwman think you're right. He's already making slightly snide remarks about the kind of man I'm actually looking for, like he feels like why don't I want him long term. I think I'll be much more careful in terms of getting into anything physical with him now going forward.

Thanks @Eesha, I know your right: just feeling a bit meh this weekend. I think going so long between seeing each other doesn’t help as it’s hard to know what he’s thinking. He does like to talk on the phone though rather than just message all the time so at least I get to hear his voice in between.

@Eesha

Snide comments? That would be enough for me to get rid, nevermind stop being intimate.

So date from Friday night has gone quiet after messaging quite a lot previously. Onwards and upwards but still quite upsetting

@SimonJT well more like saying you want someone boring and stable where you have rubbish sex.

@eesha I would end it with him if he is making snide comments and making you feel uncomfortable. You don't owe him anything

I have acquired a couple of new irons Mr Glass and Mr Vino. They both seem perfectly nice so far and we have progressed to WhatsApp which makes me feel that they are less likely to stand me up 😄. I have chatted to Mr Glass on the phone and he seemed quite normal but Mr Vino and I have better banter.

Richdeniro so happy to here that you are on the smitten bench.

No idea why my last message was all in bold. I blame my phone

Come on rich you can’t drop a bomb like that and then just leave us. We need deets!!

stealth maybe you are just pretty awesome and the dates can’t believe their luck.

eesha whilst we are only responsible for our own feelings, I think if someone is developing feelings for you and you know it’s not reciprocated it really is kinder to end things. That is easier for you to do than them as they will be hoping things will change and seeing your actions towards them as positive, rather than listening to your words.

sunshineandflipflops I understand how you feel. And heightened as his ex has had a big change in splitting with her bf. My iron spends a lot of time with his teens at the family home. And they go out as a family for birthdays etc. I don’t like the way it makes me feel. I have no issue with him spending all the time he can with his kids. In reality I think his relationship with his ex is what will split us up. I don’t think things will change fast enough for me and he is determined to move things slowly in order to not upset his kids.

Well done lily for getting back out there
Did he get back to you about the date love
My son has decided he is happy to go to his dads next weekend and every other so i am getting serious about looking again and am chatting to a few. I am so ready to get smitten with someone(not anyone though!).
Kermit it really baffles me why they do this after a good date,hope he messages

@LilyRose88 sorry should add he is mildly autistic, ADHD so I often think the comments aren't meant maliciously

@Notcoolmum It’s hard isn’t it. I know in reality that they both agreed to divorce due to the marriage being void of any sexual contact and they were only really together for their kids’ sake for many years so I can’t in a million years see anything happening between them. Although me and my ex are ‘amicable’ in terms of the kids and can have a conversation without killing each other, he had an affair and is still with the ow so we are never going to have that relationship where we spend the day together as a family.
I’ve never seen myself as needy and am really trying to not appear that way but I feel like it would be nice to have a bit of reassurance in between seeing MrSAS that he’s into me/missing me or something. It has only been 7 weeks though.

My kids are now of an age where they prefer to do their own thing on our weekends together so I am kind of in limbo between having the kids every other weekend but feeling more like a babysitter. I guess I’m feeling a bit like no-one wants to spend time with me, which is daft.

Same here sunshine. My kids only want me as a taxi driver. Neither of them really seeks me out or want to spend time with me. It doesn’t sound like you have anything to worry about. She had a partner (even though it has ended) and they are moving with the divorce so things do sound over.
I’m less sure, for reasons I don’t really want to share publicly, but then he really is so lovely to me I’m not sure what’s natural doing and what is my paranoia as a result of last experiences/hurt.

@Notcoolmum They are already divorced. Hopefully things will get easier for you as time goes on. I think, depending on why couples split, it can take a while to completely untangle yourself from being a family.

@notcoolmum thank you so much. I think we are all awesome women on this thread - the problem is that men don't seem to see it!

@vwman I know what you're saying about the scarcity thing but hairyarsedman and I compared numbers of men and women and there were 9 or 10 times more women on Match in the town I live in so I'm definitely not in a minority. And Mr Runner is seriously eligible. He is attractive, intelligent, interesting and a cut above the usual guys who go for me. As said before I have not great profile photos. I am much happier with my written profile since hairy gave me feedback - maybe it does make me sound cool and I haven't even mentioned that I might be doing pole dancing lessons.

Anyway I'm going to try to enjoy it.

@lilyrose88 wow, that is seriously fast work! I hope they're better than yesterday's loser.

@sunshineandflipflops I often spend the weekend with ex for the sake of the kids. I wouldn't get back with him in a million years. Unfortunately it's inevitable as we're all slightly older here with baggage that we're going to have insecurities. But rationally he has chosen you and the sex is good. I completely understand that you'd need reassurance that he's missing you but I suppose if he's with his daughters driving and moving it'll be hard for him to give you that reassurance. I suppose you could send one discreet message saying you've got something waiting for him in the bedroom if you want him to be thinking of you? And then go online shopping! (But only if that's the sort of thing you do anyway).