Dating Thread 158 - Don't wait until the iron is hot to strike

[Greenland55]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

I went for a lunchtime coffee with someone about a month ago who although completely lovely and quite fanciable in many ways, had three pints in a couple of hours. Bearing in mind we met at 12.30 and I had a coffee and a Diet Coke. It put me off and reminded me of my ex who used to have 15 pints on a night out (not with me, and not that recently.) I just thought I don’t want loads of pub based dates - I want to do a range of things. So didn’t meet him again. So straw I understand your reticence I think...

Not posted in a while but any room on that smitten bench? I won't say anymore as I don't want to jinx it :)

Not posted in a while but any room on that smitten bench? I won't say anymore as I don't want to jinx it :)

@putastrawunderbaby my ex was also an alcoholic and the whole experience has put me off big drinkers. I do empathise, whenever someone mentions big nights, just takes me right back. I have even included it in my profile!

Yes @Eesha that's exactly it, and although I want to relax about it I'm now worrying about whether he's got a drink problem and how much time he'll want to spend in the pub. It's ridiculous I know but like you say, it's that instant feeling of being back there.

That smitten bench will collapse soon with all those bodies on it! I'm only little so please save me a space. I might be some time...

TEN Tinder matches. Ten!!! 😂 Eight conversations going at glacial speed, and at least two never really got going. I'm waiting on replies from six altogether. 🙄

Hi rich great to see you on the smitten bench and would love to hear more details...

@putastrawunderbaby does he know about your ex? I think give it a while and trust your instincts. It's easy for people to say it's normal and not be bothered but when one mifht have been subjected to abuse etc, it's definitely bad memories that i don't want to risk repeating in any shape or form.

Hi guys, im just home from a bit of a disappointing date. It began well and i did like her, but for a lot of the time she kept going on about how insanely busy her life is, how she has no time to date or see anyone, and how she lives an hour away.

I liked the fact we share an interest ( both into motorbikes), but i felt she put a lot of barriers up which made it tough for me to gauge.

Just leaving a family wedding and feeling quite sad. I wonder if itll ever happen for me?

Just leaving a family wedding and feeling quite sad. I wonder if itll ever happen for me?

@Ash559 do you think she was trying to show you her life was very interesting and maybe it was overkill on her part? You can only see whether she is up for a second date by asking.

@Eesha we've only met once, so no, he has no idea.
@QueenBetty sorry you're feeling that way It does seem like the whole world is paired up sometimes.

Thanks putastraw. Totally, things just haven't worked out for me yet for so many reasons. And the dating pool grows ever smaller!

Yey Rich - so pleased for you.

Yeah rich so pleased for you

And re unfaithfulness, you can never ever know the circumstances in someone else's relationship so judging someone on something they did years ago is really harsh!

And the experts who match people get it wrong most of the time - look at Married At First Sight!

And lily I wouldn't even see it as being stood up. If his profile is gone already, he's almost certainly married and was just getting a kick. I have no idea why people do that but see it as a lucky escape.

Yay to richdeniro and comedyboobs. Hopefully there will be so many of you we'll need a second smitten bench.

queenbetty it will happen to you, it seems to be happening to lots of long term people on the thread.

So I am exchanging messages with Mr Runner. We had a lovely phone chat, he has a nice voice and seems very interesting. (I have recently realised the importance of a nice, deep voice and it was a bit of an issue with Mr Enthusiastic who was a bit high pitched). We're hoping to manage an evening date next week.

But just like Mr Enthusiastic and Mr Even More Enthusiastic Mr Runner is being super enthusiastic. It's like there's a factory churning out super positive, complimentary guys and Amazon is sending them to me.
It's not just about my physical appearance but about everything I say. My life is mundane (although I love it) and if I honestly reply what I've been doing they are super enthusiastic.

I have said before i now realise I find it difficult for men who show an interest in me because my husband never did. So I'm trying to accept it as it is. But is this level of enthusiasm normal?

Example if I said I liked 'knitting' (I don't) guys say 'what an excellent hobby, I bet you're fantastic at it.'

BTW I'm really positive and genuinely love my life but I'm finding this odd.

StealthNinjaMum what enthusiam indicates to me is that these men have a scarcity mentality about them regaring women. When one shows interest in them they need to act that way. If they had an abundance mentality thinking that lots of women will want them they would not get enthusiastic.

Imagine waiting for a bus in a country lane for an hour and suddendly you see a bus, you may start to get excited. So what would happen if you were in central London, were buses come along every minute, would you ever get excited that a bus as arrived?

BTW I'm really positive and genuinely love my life but I'm finding this odd

Maybe it's the relief of finding someone who has more in their life than drinking, Facebook and watching TV.

If you have things that you really enjoy doing, I don't think it's odd to be positive that a potential partner also has things in their life which they have enough pride in to talk about.

So unfortunately now not sure my potential FWB situation has legs. He has shown himself to be very into me and also very vulnerable so it's playing on my mind that the situation might end up hurting him. I've said there is no future as i dont see him that way but I believe he thinks I will realise he is the one in the end. I'm not sure whether to throw caution to the wind and just enjoy the time we have together or just nip it in the bud now. He has had a lot of tragedy and sadness in his life and I don't want to compound that. Any thoughts? We are great friends and this spilt over physically recently.

@richdeniro great news, I've seen your posts before and always thought how on earth can you be single as you seem such a nice, decent bloke!

@StealthNinjaMum I'd personally just enjoy the attention. Maybe they are so into getting a date with you that they are trying very hard to be enthusiastic about anything. But that's no bad thing, I love positivity!!!

Eesha, do you feel that keeping his 'heart' safe is your responsibility or his?
Tbh, and I don't want to sound heartless, he's an adult and it's his responsibility to protect himself /avoid situations he can't cope with.

This emotional labour for others is a recurring issue for lots of women and I try to keep my distance from taking responsibility for others feelings these days. I am responsible for my feelings and my actions. No one else's.