Dating Thread 158 - Don't wait until the iron is hot to strike

[Greenland55]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

toooldfor67 I can't remember how long you've been with Mr Wow or how much time he spends with your son. I would say you just need to keep explaining and maybe your son will start to act more himself with Mr Wow in time. If this is the only thing wrong with Mr Wow quietly state he is wrong and see what happens with time.

I wouldn't be pissed off unless he came up with a very disablist statement because my ASD child's father doesn't acknowledge the extent of our problems and he has been around since birth.

TooOld, both my dd’s have ASD and it’s something that I struggle with when dating. I have now decided that I won’t be introducing anyone to them for quite a while, I think it’s hard to expect anyone to understand as they haven’t lived with them, we know our kids really well, we raised them and we see all their behaviours, in my house these behaviours are normal but to someone else I’m sure they must seem really odd. I don’t want anyone judging my kids or my parenting skills so for now any relationship I have will be away from my kids.

So, yesterday went really well, he seemed really keen to see me again, was asking when I’m free and what I wanted to do? But he has hardly text since yesterday afternoon (a couple texts when I got home). I hate this bit of dating and trying to guess what they are thinking. Luckily I’m pretty busy today with work and my mum is poorly so I won’t have time to be checking my phone every 5 minutes. Hopefully I will hear something from him later today.

If Mr Wow is not a man with a lot of patience or has not experienced a child with ASD, I could imagine him sitting there getting irritable wondering whether he wants this just to be with you. I think before you get any closer you need to talk to him about how he feels about all this as you come as a package.

tooOld I've given up explaining to people about my sons asd. A couple of boyfriends have met him and all said 'oh,he's fine' when I've been explaining how hard I find it all sometimes. Roll on a few months and we are out for the day and my son is rolling around on the supermarket floor being silly or making strange noises,or asking anyone who catches his eye''what you looking at?' they start to get it!

Oh god don’t you love a crazed ex?! Woke up to no less than 12 texts this morning, most sent around 5am (oo he won’t be in a good state at work today). It seems he has been following ex 1 on social media (something I had suspected for quite a while), and convinced himself that I must be seeing him because a picture was posted on his groups twitter with a certain phrase and wearing a jumper I bought him.

Ah, what a charmer!

A few weeks ago HairyArsedMan gave me some profile on my feedback. Yesterday I finally sat down and rewrote it.

Since then I've been favourited 12 times of which 4 are potentially close enough to date! Thank you HairyArsedMan

I just need to take some new photos.

TooOld I think in your shoes I would have a chat with Mr Wow. If you want things to move forward then this bit needs to be worked through. I have an adult DC wth a severe learning disability (a very common one, but not going to say what it is as it might be outing). DC doesn't live with me and has been curious if I've texted Mr BC while visiting. So we have sent Mr BC voice messages on WA 😂 and Mr BC has sent messages back. I do sound out for any disablist views in the early part of dating. This is my life so anyone I date needs to deal with it ...

Packing tonight for my birthday trip away with Mr BC

Thanks all for your comments. To be fair, he's only seen him in the home environment. Yes, kerkyra - I think going out would highlight his issues!
It doesn't help that I am most certainly on the ASD spectrum. He has picked up on this, saying that I am a very complex person. I think I still feel like a rabbit caught in headlights. I can't seem to express how I feel about him, to him, if that makes sense.

One of my dc also has a learning disability (like batshit- a common one but I don't want to put myself)
Rightly or wrongly I have not told MrFox yet. It has not really come up in conversation. I do plan on telling him soon but I guess I'm a bit nervous of his reaction as of course dc will always come first.

Re the kissing on a first date thing: I never kissed anyone that I didn't want to even if they made an attempt, but I also didn't have any first dates where I didn't know by the end of it one way or another whether I wanted to or not. I didn't 2nd date anyone who I didn't find kissable by the end of the 1st if that makes sense!

Oooo, Batshit where are you going? And Happy Birthday!

vwman - MrWow is totally ok with it. It's just the typical response from someone who doesn't have a child with ASD. There's a script us parents of NT children hear all the time. Yes, I need to stop tiptoeing around the difficulties and spell it out I guess!

tooold I think it's really hard. I went out with someone a few years ago who found my dcs 'odd' and 'challenging'. He didn't have kids of his own. I found it incredibly painful because I didn't introduce him to them for ages and when I did, it just wasn't great. He was a wonderful man and actually helped me hugely in a few emergencies with them. But ultimately, he never wanted to be part of our family and I debated this long and hard as to whether it made a difference or not (as my dcs now adults so they were teens then) but what I realised is that if he couldn't value my dcs, I couldn't possibly have a relationship with him. So we broke up. I don't regret it at all. I see him once or twice a year and he's now in a relationship with a woman with no kids which I think suits him a lot better!

I think you have to go slow with dcs with SN especially if he's got no experience of it but I would be wary of it and his reactions and have a think about what you'll do if he can't accept how he is.

TooOld pretty sure I’m on the spectrum too, I think men assume I’m complicated (maybe I am).

I just sent a message to the guy I went on a date with yesterday (can’t remember what I called him on here now), I haven’t had a reply, I simply messaged “hope you are ok, you seem a bit quiet, hope I haven’t scared you off” but no answer. This dating stuff is so complicated in the early days, it causes me so much stress not knowing how someone feels or if what they said on the date was real or if they were just being nice. Anyway, I shall go to work and keep busy.

Happy birthday, @BatshitCrazyWoman. I hope the trip is good.

It must be very tricky for everyone whose children have SN. I guess, to a mild extent, DS1 has SN (dyslexia, dyspraxia and I would not be surprised to be told some element of ASD; he’s incredibly socially anxious and, I think, possibly depressed). He’s frustrating in the extreme. But he’s 18 now and it’s very difficult for me to do much anymore. MrSG is pretty good at dealing with it all, but it’s all quite minor anyway.

I was a single when my children were growing up and I found it difficult to date as they were quite a handful (just normal child and teenage issues really) and it tended to put guys off. As a result I was single for quite a long time, interspersed with a few short term flings with unsuitable men. It found it difficult to meet prospective partners who were willing to get involved with me, and as I worked full-time I had limited time available to date.

To be fair I have a different set of problems now - I am old and fussy

@Emojina I’m thinking therapeutic massages (obviously not pervy ones...), head massage when you get a haircut, manicures etc.

I tried a nail bar, they just looked at me funny when I asked if they could colour match the gingery bit in my beard

More seriously, that is good advice but quite difficult to implement for a bloke, I do find if I am prepared for normal touch then it's manageable, it's the complications of consent, boundaries and vulnerability that make things more daunting. I do think it's just a case of talking myself into it, which is what I'm doing here, it's not really something I could talk about with anyone I know.

Happy birthday batshit

Ooh batshit enjoy your trip away with Mr BC. I’m excited for you!!

tooold I think Mr W needs to keep his opinions to himself whilst he’s getting to know your son. As long as he doesn’t diminish your experiences with him I think it’s ok for him not to get it. I would expect him to be understanding and supportive though. You and your DS are very much a package. My DD has mental health issues and Mr S was caught up in an incident. He was extremely supportive to me and very helpful in a practical sense. This was massive for me. I expected him to tho k my baggage was a bit heavy at that point and move on.

starryunicorn men can have massages and manicures?

starry a lot of women aren't tactile at all,some hate being touched or hugged. I would suggest a couple of quick coffee dates to start connecting to women,whether in a romantic way or just friends. You will soon learn that some of us are warm and huggy and some are cold fish!
Too Old if your son is anything like mine,they love spending time in their rooms. I hardly see mine but make sure we walk the dog together and have tea together! Has Mr wow got kids of his own? I think its very tricky for a man to come into a family setting regardless of any childs needs. If you are both serious,which sounds like you are,as long as he is kind to your son and tries to interact abit,thats all you can ask for. It's very tricky. Men can feel awkward meeting partners kids and some just aren't kid people and just want the mum to themselves and the kids feel pushed out.
So strange last night. My ex and I attended the secondry open eve our son is going to in sept. It's in the next town.
So many parents milling about! And I see someone I had a date with a few years ago! i kind of did a wave and we walked around the school. Then I see a man who is on pof(with his ex I presume) and once I home I messaged him and said was it you in the science lab. It was and we had a chat. Found out he lives in same close as village man! Not sure if we will go for a date but quite an eventful eve.

A farmer chatted me up at work (married) and another farmer aged 81 keeps asking me to marry him but no real irons at the mo!

Hi all thanks to lol that asked - just an update to say chat went really well,had real heart to heart so going to get things back on track while distancing myself from the situation,just going to take things slowly and see what happens.feeling much better today after chat.thanks for everyone's support.

Proposals from 81 year old farmers, eh @kerkyra? 😂

@kerkyra I also had a farmer chat me up while I was renting a property from him for a weekend away. He offered me a 'ride in his tractor', which I politely declined but my son loved it (not what I think he was expecting)!

The old one asks me every week :( we have great banter and I said maybe I will when my son is an adult,which he replied he will be dead by then :O I did say yes to a lovely meal out though,as a friend. I think he likes my company!
Happy Birthday bat. Hope you have a lovely weekend away too.
Thanks for your confidence boost when I was terrified of going to London and getting lost,i've been three times since feb :)

Hope you get the txt and can meet again love. Theres a few of us who have been on here a while now.....luck must be around the corner!

So Mr Filth text today saying it was lovely getting to know me but we are too far away. Which made me laugh as for me there was just no connection. But I thought it was lovely that he text to tell me this.

That sounds positive coco. Glad you had a chat and agreed a way forward.

You didn’t feel it did you lifegoes? Are you still off the apps?