Dating Thread 158 - Don't wait until the iron is hot to strike

[Greenland55]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

@starryunicorn two of my best female friends were in your position even in their mid to late 30s. We lost touch when I had dcs but I have no reason to believe they would have developed any more confidence in the last ten years.

So these two friends were both attractive and shy around men. One had done a very female based course at uni that seemed to attract mature students (so not that appealing when she was late teens). The other did a childcare course and ended up working in a nursery so met no men. They got less and less confident as they grew older and their situation seemed more unusual.

So I am trying to say that if I met a man with your lack of experience I would obviously look for red flags but knowing my two friends would not rush to judge you.

Hi everyone. Just catching up on the thread!

Lots to share but I am pretty shagged out today 😂 so will be back later

@starryunicorn have you been on any dates? If so, what has happened at the end of them?

I don't necessarily think you have to "confess" to never having kissed someone, just try and be confident in what you are doing. As someone else said, just start with a short kiss on the lips and then things usually flow for themselves.

Me and MrSAS have talked about kissing and as much as I love "being intimate" with him (his words...I think it's quite cute), we both probably love kissing even more. I think you can tell a lot more about someone from kissing them than dtd.

@StarryUnicorn everyone on here started without any experience at all. Instead of worrying about getting naked with someone and thinking that they will judge you, I think you just need the experience of being friends with women.

I have lots of female friends who are very happy to share a bear hug and kiss mostly on the cheek but often on the lips in a non sexual way. So that when I am looking for a sexual relationship I am not putting women on a pedestal, feel open with them so it is natural to share a cuddle, kiss and go to bed with them.

I would suggest that you look for a woman on the dating sites who expresses a wish for "friends first lets see what happens", and emphasise to them that you feel the same way.

If you like each other as friends use that as a base, the kissing then becomes natural, some of them will be in a similar situation to you without a lot of experience with men.

@Peanuthedz

I do live in London, people most definitely do more than bat an eyelid, usually with their fists, spitting at you or being verbally abusive. I’ve heard the phrase before and English is my second language so I don’t think you made it up, maybe it just isn’t commonly used where you are.

Currently listening to a very very boring talk, it’s warm and fairly dim in here, a dangerouw combination!

@SimonJT I'm really sorry to hear that. I find that shocking in this day and age. Clearly I live in some kind of right on left wing bubble. God. People.

I’m a face holder/beard stroker. I can’t leave Mr S’s beard alone...

Wow simon shocked and disappointed to hear that. I thought we had moved a long way.

I don’t think I’ve had second dates with anyone I didn’t snog on the first date. Except one a few years ago. We didn’t snog until about the 4th date and things progressed VERY quickly from that. Bit I then discovered his micro penis and we didn’t DTD. He had ways to compensate though ☺️🤫

Just wanted to echo others simon and say I'm shocked to hear that too!
daffo re your comment in relation to me setting a test. That really wasn't what I was doing...I needed space for my own sanity. As it happens he has been in contact this afternoon and we are meeting face to face to discuss but ultimately I know it will take time&space and he will have to acknowledge&address issues if there is to be any chance of a future together.

My last long term relationship (my daughters dad) we didn't kiss till the 3rd date and it was quite baffling. BUT. when we did kiss it was pure magic. I'd never discount the romance of getting to know someone. Of course, I got lucky. No micro-penis or issues....he was just someone who only kissed people he knew for longer than a single night

Hi, hope you don’t mind me joining in. I have been following this thread for ages but never really felt the need to post. I have been seeing a guy now for 6 months post divorce and I’m not sure how to handle an issue that is developing and maybe someone could point me in the right direction. He is a great bloke and we get on really well but his libido is through the roof! He literally wants it all the time. At first it was great but it’s starting to wear me out! He literally wants sex 3/4 times a day! Any ideas on how to cool it down a bit without hurting his feelings?

@Tibuclub that would be too much for me! I would just tell him that he needs to ease off a bit. It has to be mutually enjoyable and if you are not enjoying it you should tell him.

Thanks. Yeah my subtle hints are not working!

Placemarking. Xx

@Tibuclub time to be unsubtle and spell out what works for you in terms of frequency.

Lily your hair stroker story was making me feel queasy - I had a first date with a hand stroker and had to tell him to get off me 😕

Simon it shocks me too - I think I do live in a very open and accepting part of London (I think I'm near Peanut )

Hello, been following you all for a wee while and after some advice please. Seen someone 4 times no dtd. He's stopped messaging. Should I call this out as I think it's a bit rude and feel a bit hurt or just let it go and chalk it up. I keep changing my mind! Thank you!!

@Tibuclub Have you suggested to him that if he wishes to masturbate to release the tension (and it is a tension release its anxiety based) that you are ok with that.

@Batshit it was quite unpleasant actually and a bit creepy. We had not had any sexting going on before the date or any flirting so it was very odd. he clearly had no sense of boundaries, as was evident when he grabbed me by both shoulders at the end of the date and lunged in for a snog!

@Simon so sorry to hear about your experience.

Bythecooker I think it depends very much on what you want to do. If you feel that you need closure, then by all means ask him what is going on. How long is it since he last messaged you? Do you think he is being a coward and ghosting you?

Thanks @lilyrose. It's only been 3 days but just a gut feel. I liked him quite a lot but I am shy so perhaps that made someone else more interesting. I can't decide whether to send a bright and breezy but that might be undignified and desperate, whether to ask if he's no longer interested or whether to just leave it!

that sounds really sensible coco. I hope you get the outcome you want/deserve!

bythecooker have you said nothing to him in those few days? if he's not responded to messages you've sent, I would leave it and chalk it up to experience as he may well have ghosted you :(. If you've also sent nothing in that time, I would send something bright and breezy and see whether he responds!

one thing I've definitely learned is your gut feel is normally right :(

@Bythecooker if you like him a lot then it might be worth a quick message with a general 'how are you' type of message, as long as you are prepared to get either (a) no response or (b) a 'I've been thinking about things and it's not working for me' type of response.

Ghosting is so annoying but it is sadly quite common. Unfortunately there is no pleasant way to be on the receiving end of a break-up .I have been dumped a couple of times this year and both times the guys at least has the decency to send me a break-up text.

@Bythecooker I hate seeing things like this. I think it depends on how things have been between you. I often call it out as I feel it's wrong of people to just ghost another.

It's such a shame that we (including me) worry about calling someone out on their behaviour due to worry on how we will be perceived. I have done both, ignore and say how I felt. I've always felt better saying how I felt. But I've kept it very much as to that's the reason why I'm not any longer going forward with this "situation".

Thanks everyone. I've sent one and got a friendly reply back but now just even more confused!

bythecooker by my recent experience I can safely say if I’d trusted my instincts and moved on it would have been the best thing. If he’s interested he will answer. If he hasn’t replied “he’s just not that into you”. Delete and move on you never know what’s going on in other peoples lives...put it down to experience and retain your dignity

I'm only looking for a FWB. I'm happy to snog on the first date if we like each other. Neuter to know sooner than later if they are a good kisser when I only want a FWB