Dating Thread 158 - Don't wait until the iron is hot to strike

[Greenland55]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

@Ant330 great news about MissOz!

I personally like a kiss on the first date but that's just to guage chemistry.

MrTeacher cancelled on me, we were due to meet this week after ages of planning due to childcare excuses. Ironically the excuse he gave was even if we did hit it off, childcare (on his side) would mean we would take a while to meet again and he didn't want to waste my time. Can't say I'm too disappointed as had really lost momentum. Not sure I'm keen to swipe as FWB is around and kinda scratches that itch. My first FWB ever....who knew it would actually be such fun!

Well I wish I could join in the song chat but anyway I felt the need to share...a couple of weeks ago I asked why was I feeling so bereft after the end of a short term thing (the first in two years after leaving the Ex) there was some excellent advice and I decided to change a few things in my life joined a choir, the gym and a walking group on a Sunday when the kids are with their Dad. This has had a massive impact on my well being and I’ve turned off facestalk!
I’ve made some new connections and have started seeing a counsellor as I’ve finally realised you can’t do it all!
Last Thursday I had arranged to meet the person I’d been seeing again so organised my kids etc and he for whatever reason decided to ignore my “what’s the plan for tonight?” Long story short he didn’t turn up and that was that. I did call him out as this is cowardly when you have ALL week to cancel.

The moral of the story is a) don’t go out with men in the middle of a messy divorce especially when they wait a month to tell you that b) when they tell you the stbex has moved back in to force the hand - move on c) when they tell you they were arrested in the middle of the night for assault and it’s made up by crazy stbex - get your coat.. d) listen to your gut!
Lesson learned my friends lesson learned!

God emski that sounds like too much drama!!lucky escape and good for you on the wellbeing stuff

@emski1972 sounds like you have really managed to turn things around in your life in a short space of time. Doing positive things always makes me feel better and I had got into a bit of a slump so I joined the V&A, booked to go to some exhibitions and signed up again to give blood. It has really helped to take my mind off all the tedium and disappointment that OLD had brought to my life.

How cowardly to stand you up - but it sounds like you have dodged a bullet there. I'm sure the counselling sessions will help you make some sense of why you make the choices that you do, and help you move on. I have had counselling in the past and it has helped me identify my patterns of behaviour. I do still slip back into them, but actually had some good advice on this thread about an OLD relationship which made me realise that I was in danger of not valuing myself enough, and it was a good wake-up call.

I think there appear to be more on the smitten bench than not which must be a first!

I don't kiss on a first date and I wouldn't like it if the bloke moved in to kiss me at all and I consider myself a touchy feely person. I have slept with someone on a first date, but only once, when we were just incredibly attracted to each other and barely waited to rip our clothes off but 'normal' dates, I would find it hugely presumptuous if they moved in for a snog tbh.

I am still not back on the apps. I am starting to feel a bit more like I want to be but have a whole load of unresolved crap that I need to resolve so I think I am squarely in the very very very single and alone camp till then!

and congrats ant, that all sounds so lovely!

and eesha I really hate men who muck you around re dates. I have started to tell men upfront that I cannot do unreliability as it drives me mad and I seem to attract the unreliable type!

eesha delighted to hear about your FWB - enjoy, my friend!

I'm not sure about kisses on a first date. I think it depends on the guy really. If I'm not really interested, I definitely do not want to be kissed. OTOH, MrSG and I kissed on our first date, but I'd already decided that I liked him and definitely wanted to kiss him. It was a very good first kiss indeed.

I guess it also depends of the type of date. A quick coffee in Costa mid-afternoon on a Tuesday is not really a snogging situation. 😂

@Lovemusic33 oh are you excited nervous? I think that's a good sign if so.

Quite interesting to read everyone's different views on kissing on first date. I guess I always expect a kiss as guys have always done that. But I have to be honest all of these relationships have failed for one reason or another (mainly due to the type I go for) so I am sat wondering if that is an indication of THAT type of man.

What I mean by that is, a man who is quite forward tend to be more of a dick (big assumption and sure not all, but I'm wondering). We haven't arranged a second date. We did talk in general last night after and said goodnight. But nothing else.

I'm not generally concerned by it, but it's made me think... I assumed this guy was a novice player by his sexting etc.

The moral of the story is a) don’t go out with men in the middle of a messy divorce especially when they wait a month to tell you that b) when they tell you the stbex has moved back in to force the hand - move on c) when they tell you they were arrested in the middle of the night for assault and it’s made up by crazy stbex - get your coat.. d) listen to your gut! Lesson learned my friends lesson learned!

Just one or two red flags there.

I wonder if it depends how the kiss comes about, @lifegoes. I would not like to be pounced upon by (effectively) a stranger. And certainly not backed into a corner/against a car etc.

I tend to prefer a kiss on the cheek on a first date, or if we have really got on well, maybe a quick kiss on the lips. Mr Foodie, who had already invaded my personal space by stroking my hair twice during the date, grabbed both my shoulders, pulled me into him and tried to go for a full-on snog when we parted. I twisted my head to the side so he ended up with a mouthful of my hair. He really wasn't very good at reading signals as I hadn't flirted at all with him during the date, and didn't reciprocate when he told me during the date that he fancied me.

I think some people are better than others at reading body language, but I find it off putting if a guy goes in for a kiss on the lips when the date has been 'business-like' rather than 'flirty'. I know that I can come across as a bit stand-offish but I don't like close physical contact with strangers

I appear to have a coffee date with a new iron on Saturday after I have been to the gym. I really not sure whether we will have anything in common but I bit the bullet and asked him if he fancied meeting as I couldn't face the message ping pong that POF can become. I'm not going to give him a name as I don't know much about him other than the place he lives and his first name. He only has a couple of head shots on POF so he may turn out to be fat or skinny - I have no idea! Hopefully he will just be average and as he has a physical job he may have nice arms.

@Crustaceans oh no absolutely not, but I've had times when a man has pulled me or held my face and kissed me. I like that, I like passion, I like a man who is assertive.

@Sunshineandflipflops

Well it’s a no if I don’t fancy them!

@lifegoes that's interesting, as I am less fond of a man pulling me or holding my face when he kisses me. It's okay if we are in an established relationship and having a passionate moment, although even then I prefer not to have my face held (no idea why, but it makes me feel a bit claustrophobic).

@Peanuthedz

Any form of PDA would be far too risky

I'm a face holder...especially if there is a beard/stubble!

Kisses on first date - yes please, the snoggier the better, but only if the spark is there and there’s not a lot at stake.

In my OLD time, all bar one first dates have ended with a full-on snog (the one with Mr Mad started that way too!) and carried on to more full-on stuff at subsequent meetings. The exception was Harry Redknapp’s great-aunt in his tights, who I would not have snogged if he was the last man on earth 😱😱😱. But all these have essentially been interviews for FWBs, I realise now. If I felt there was potential for a proper relationship, I think I would be more nervous, less drunk and therefore much less sure about kissing on a first date.

I wouldn't like someone holding my face or pulling me close on a first date. Or probably a second date. That would feel aggressive rather than assertive or passionate.

Sometimes MrSG will do either of those things now, and I definitely like that. But it is very different when it's someone you know well, trust and who is generally kind and loving towards you.

I'm finding the discussion of first date kiss etiquette interesting, and mortally terrifying at the same time.

It's not an easy admission to make on an anonymous forum that I have never kissed anyone, still harder to imagine admitting that to a real person. I do feel like it might be something I would need to "fess up" and explain myself before going for it, but I also think that any right minded person would run screaming for the hills if I told them. The opinions expressed on the "40yo and never been in a LTR" thread on here over the weekend did little to temper that fear.

Honest opinions on what you would say if someone told you that they are basically a total weirdo, are welcome.

I'm a face holder...especially if there is a beard/stubble!

I am too. Although not on a first date.

MrSG is currently growing a (slightly gingery, of course) beard. Or, has pretty much grown one since hair on his face seems to grow at an astounding rate.

If you'd asked me a year ago about fancying slightly gingery men with beards, I'd probably have looked at you like you were insane. Yet, here we are. 😁

@SimonJT assuming you don't live in London then as no one would bat an eyelid. Is that a phrase or I have j just invented it?

@lifegoes I would find that aggressive not assertive.

I'm not sure it's really something that needs to be 'fessed up about, @StarryUnicorn. Or something to be ashamed of (whatever you read of a MN thread).

I think with kissing, it's often obvious when the time is right for it. And you don't have to start with some sort of face grabbing, cinema-style passionate snogging. In fact, it's probably best to start with a more tentative brush of the lips anyway.

To a certain extent, you need to learn to kiss someone as an individual anyway. Having kissed people before doesn't mean that you don't need to figure out how to kiss someone new. Because everyone does it differently and you need to learn to kiss each other well.

My ex was a truly horrible kisser. For years I came up with ways to avoid kissing him. (Yes, I realise I should have just left him - for so many reasons). So I was a bit nervous about the kissing issue when I decided I was going to date again, not least because I worried that I might have forgotten how to kiss someone properly.

It turns out I needn't have worried. But I think many of us do worry about these sort of things. We just don't necessarily say anything to people about it.

Oh I'm a face holder too 😍😍😍@Sunshineandflipflops

I love a bit of passion first date, second date third etc. It shows me their character and I certainly wouldn't find it aggressive

Thanks girls! Crustaceans I know right? What the hell was I thinking?? It’s the problem with being single for a while and then thinking more about just being in a relationship rather than the right one!

LilyRose88 dodged a bullet indeed it’s definitely been a wake up call.