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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My world has been smashed apart

142 replies

Smashedmyworldapart · 04/05/2019 06:39

This is going to be rambly, sorry. Been with DP for 20 years, we both had young children when we met, now 2 have of our own, DS is 19 and DD is 7.

Our 20 years together have been peppered with other woman, DP having secret texts/phone calls, hiding things from me. I dont think he has ever cheated but just after DD was born was the last time.

For the last few months i have known something is wrong, he has switched off from me, i have begged and pleaded with him to tell me what is wrong, i have asked if he has his eye on someone else, have asked if he is planning on leaving me, all met with complete denials. I have spent a lot of time crying because i know something is wrong.

Things came to a head yesterday as i found out he has been having secret late night phone calls with a mutual friend of ours that i know he fancies. I went mental on the phone to him and he he came home from work and then dropped him bomb shell, he doesnt love me and hasnt for a few months. Loves me like a friend.

We are due to go on holiday in July, he was planning on leaving after the holiday, i told him that he was cruel to do that to me, he should have told me 2 months ago when i asked him, not string me along for a holiday.

We have decided for him to stay living here until after the holiday, he will help to clean up the house (he is a slight hoarder, all cupboards full of his crap) and financially i will be in a slightly shit position but it is doable, will have to go on universal credit.

I dont know if i can do this, be a house mate, i still love and adore him, i am sick of crying, i have cried more in a day than i have in 20 years. He is sleeping in DD's bed and i have to stop myself from getting into bed with him and begging him to love me again. My self respect is on the floor.

He didnt want me to tell anyone till after the holiday but i have told my adult children and my parents as i need the support. I feel like a dog at the table begging for crumbs of his affection.

I dont know what i want from this post, when will i stop crying? when will i have self respect again? when will i stop loving him? He keeps saying that he might wake up and realise what he is losing and come back to me, but i know that will never happen, he was so adamant that he loved me as a friend. His giving me false hope is cruel.

I am so lost and scared, i want to jump off a bridge to end the pain but i wouldnt never do that to my kids.

He has been my best friend for 20 years and he no longer is. He no longer has my back. I am so scared of the future, a fat 47 year old. I just want to die.

OP posts:
NowWeAreSuckingDiesel · 04/05/2019 06:41

Sorry to be harsh but he hasn't been your best friend for 20. He has treated you so poorly and this is the first day of the rest of your life.

domestichiefofstaff · 04/05/2019 06:45

I wonder how much better your life will be without the constant anxiety around what he's going to do next.
This will be your time and I have no doubt that after the mourning of this (not great) relationship, you'll look back in a year or two and wonder why you didn't make this change sooner.
Be strong x

Treacletoots · 04/05/2019 06:48

What above said. Sorry. Its not until you're outside that you realise inside was not a great place to be.

A man who has had an affair, emotional or otherwise throughout your relationship is abusive and you don't have to put up with that.

Take some time out to get your head around that. You'll come out of the other side thinking, how fucking dare he treat you like that, then go on and enjoy a life free from this treatment. If that's what you want

ukgift2016 · 04/05/2019 06:59

Our 20 years together have been peppered with other woman, DP having secret texts/phone calls, hiding things from me. I dont think he has ever cheated but just after DD was born was the last time.

You have had warning signs for years. This man was always on the look out for something better.

Happygolucky009 · 04/05/2019 07:00

You need to take some control, ask him to leave and focus on sorting out the house. This man has treated you poorly for many years, you deserve much better but whilst he is under the same roof, you won't be able to heal yourself and will live in this dreadful state of limbo

Gratefulbeyond103 · 04/05/2019 07:02

Sorry op that's cruel. But it also seems like you allowed yourself to get into this situation. You are well aware of what he has done for 20years! Yet you still stayed with him. He wants to leave so let him. Dont run and beg. Hes done it for so long but you stayed which led him to only go on doing this.

Start getting angry for all the time that has been wasted on him. Dont beg him for anything. It will be hard but you need to be free from him.

LadyWithLapdog · 04/05/2019 07:04

I’m sorry you’re feeling so desperate and down. It’s good you have support from your children and parents. It’ll take time but you will eventually regain confidence, self respect and see a good future without him. 💐

pissedonatrain · 04/05/2019 07:12

Please don't let this arse sit around there until he gets his ducks in a row.

Either forget the holiday or just you and your DC go. To hell with the lying sneaky twat.

Tell him to leave. Take your power back. Find out what you are entitled to legally, financially.

It hurts like hell but having him sitting around there using you until he is ready to leave is cruel to you. Tell me to leave.

Tiredtessy · 04/05/2019 07:15

I’m so sorry you feel so terrible and heartbreak is horrendous but I agree with other poster, this is a new life for you. Tell him to start clearing all his shit or you will get a skip, pack his bags and leave immediately. He is a vile excuse of a man, you cannot stay like this until July.

Book a doctors appointment to to get some support.

In July, take your kids and go and enjoy the holiday without that disgusting man. You deserve more than this, he has brainwashed you. He’s not a nice person at all.

You can and will get through this and come out with a better life!x

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/05/2019 07:18

I’m around about the same age as you and have been with dh for even longer that you so I can imagine how frightening and hard this must be.

However this man has not been treating you well for a long time. He cares about you. You have a connection through your kids. But that’s it. He wants to be with someone else. Not you.

This isn’t a drunken ons in a 20 year relationship. This is serious stuff. He isn’t giving you mixed messages. You’re choosing to interpret his words to fit your agenda.

I’m sorry. This must be so hard. But you have to give yourself the love you have been searching for for so long. It’s not coming from him.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 04/05/2019 07:21

Don't go on holiday with him. Can you get a name change and take a friend or a family member?
Start making plans mentally and physically to move on .

Springwalk · 04/05/2019 07:22

Op I know it is hard, but you need to pick yourself up and he needs his stuff packed and gone over the weekend.

You will never feel anything other than desperate seeing him every day, knowing it is over. It is too painful. He needs to go immediately so you can start to put your life back together.

How dare he lead you on with false hope after the bombshell he has dropped on you?? He is just sitting it out there until he has something else all lined up, get him out, get legal advice and take it from there.

Op you may feel so desperate now, but better days will come. He is not the man you thought he was (or maybe he was given his past form) he never had your back, you were living a lie. You need to have your own back from now on op, and start by asking him to leave so you can start to get over what he has done to you.

47 is not old op!! Flowers

Palaver1 · 04/05/2019 07:23

You wait it’s going to take time but you are going to be brilliant without him.Youll be amazed at all the joys of life and living .You do know that your a strong lovely caring woman.
Most of the crying is just due to the realisation of what is naturally right an end to this chapter a chapter of deciet unkindness abuse and emotional stress,
Im so pleased for you because I’m actually excited for your future.
Nows the time to take heart and please do not beg for his friendship his not your friend.
Nows The Time to start preparing to see him for what he really is a nasty manipulative user.A poor choice of a father and husband .
He does need to vacate your safe zone which is your home.He can’t have it all.
What a dutiful wife you’ve been.
Now you have got to start living this is a period of pain but it will pass thank heavens it’s now when you have your health and beauty can you imagine if he decided this in 25 or 30 years into marriage.
You’ll survive .

Palaver1 · 04/05/2019 07:25

Forgot to say your word is just coming together xx

LizzieSiddal · 04/05/2019 07:28

You say you can’t stop crying. Get rid of this nasty man and your life will be so much better.

He’s not your best friend as best friends do not lie to each other.

babbi · 04/05/2019 07:29

I’m so sorry ... you are understandably very upset but as other posters have said .. this has been over for years .. you deserve a happier and better life .
I know it’s almost impossible to imagine at the moment but you will feel better and your life will be better without him .
Start now by getting him to move out and have the holiday without him .
This will take time but you will regain peace of mind and self respect and will not have the constant insecurity gnawing away at your self confidence.
This man is negatively impacting your mental health.... it’s time to look after yourself , lots of self care ....
good luck and come back here anytime you need support .
There a lot of lovely women on here who have come out the other side of painful breakups who will generously share their experiences and wisdom ..

Good luck and hang in there xxxx

babbi · 04/05/2019 07:31

Sorry .. almost a cross post with Palaver ....she is correct 100 %

MrsBobDylan · 04/05/2019 07:33

What jumps out at me op (other than he is a shit) is that it clearly doesn't suit him to leave before the holiday, probably because he doesn't have accommodation before then.

He says he 'might change his mind and realise what he is loosing' - this sounds like he is saying that if it doesn't work out with ow, he will waltz back into your life for his own convenience, until he gets another offer.

You are worth so, so much more than this. Kick him out now, hire a hippo bag, sling his hording crap into it and take his name off the holiday so you and dd can go.

You will start to feel better when you can to see him for the man that he really is.

tinstar · 04/05/2019 07:33

Thank goodness this has come to a head and you're not going to waste another 20 years on this man. Clean break is required, as others have said. Whip that manky old plaster off. 47 is NOT old.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 04/05/2019 07:34

Op I am sorry....let him go now....he will not change his mind and if he does you will struggle to believe him again ever and it will so mess with your head it will make you ill....you will never know a minutes peace with him if you allow this situation to continue...you are worth way more than that.Get on the phone on tuesday and sort out your financial position and set things in motion...its not as scary as you think to do...and be brave....peace of mind is worth so much more than anything else ever....

redcarbluecar · 04/05/2019 07:34

Allow yourself these emotions and then give your self esteem a chance. You’re not a ‘fat 47 year old’ defined by a set of characteristics. You’re a person who deserves the chance of freedom and a different sort of life. It will take time but you do now have some clarity about what he wants and you can gradually work out our own path from here. I wish you all the best.

redcarbluecar · 04/05/2019 07:35

your own path, obvs!

Yinderling · 04/05/2019 07:37

My friend could have written an almost identical post a year ago. she ended up booting him out and is now so wonderfully happy. She no longer is wondering how he is going to treat her or act. Her house is a much happier place as she no mknger has all of his shit. She looks the best she has in years as she is happt. And she has just started seeing a lovely man. Selfishly I get to see her more too! A year ago she was crying on my sofa saying she didn't know if she could live without her ex. Now she can't believe she was with him so long. Good luck

Cambionome · 04/05/2019 07:40

Tell him to go now. Throw his shit out. I know it sounds impossible but you will feel so, so much better after.

Take back control of your own life. Speak to him now - he goes. He doesn't hang on for his own convenience - he has treated you with utter cruelty for years.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 04/05/2019 07:47

What an arse. I feel frustrated with you that you've put up with it for 20 years though!

You're going to have to get very tough really quickly, somehow almost switch off your emotions and be completely practical.

End this today, don't go on holiday, sort out living arrangements and money, be clear with him it is completely over and there's no chance of going back.