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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My world has been smashed apart

142 replies

Smashedmyworldapart · 04/05/2019 06:39

This is going to be rambly, sorry. Been with DP for 20 years, we both had young children when we met, now 2 have of our own, DS is 19 and DD is 7.

Our 20 years together have been peppered with other woman, DP having secret texts/phone calls, hiding things from me. I dont think he has ever cheated but just after DD was born was the last time.

For the last few months i have known something is wrong, he has switched off from me, i have begged and pleaded with him to tell me what is wrong, i have asked if he has his eye on someone else, have asked if he is planning on leaving me, all met with complete denials. I have spent a lot of time crying because i know something is wrong.

Things came to a head yesterday as i found out he has been having secret late night phone calls with a mutual friend of ours that i know he fancies. I went mental on the phone to him and he he came home from work and then dropped him bomb shell, he doesnt love me and hasnt for a few months. Loves me like a friend.

We are due to go on holiday in July, he was planning on leaving after the holiday, i told him that he was cruel to do that to me, he should have told me 2 months ago when i asked him, not string me along for a holiday.

We have decided for him to stay living here until after the holiday, he will help to clean up the house (he is a slight hoarder, all cupboards full of his crap) and financially i will be in a slightly shit position but it is doable, will have to go on universal credit.

I dont know if i can do this, be a house mate, i still love and adore him, i am sick of crying, i have cried more in a day than i have in 20 years. He is sleeping in DD's bed and i have to stop myself from getting into bed with him and begging him to love me again. My self respect is on the floor.

He didnt want me to tell anyone till after the holiday but i have told my adult children and my parents as i need the support. I feel like a dog at the table begging for crumbs of his affection.

I dont know what i want from this post, when will i stop crying? when will i have self respect again? when will i stop loving him? He keeps saying that he might wake up and realise what he is losing and come back to me, but i know that will never happen, he was so adamant that he loved me as a friend. His giving me false hope is cruel.

I am so lost and scared, i want to jump off a bridge to end the pain but i wouldnt never do that to my kids.

He has been my best friend for 20 years and he no longer is. He no longer has my back. I am so scared of the future, a fat 47 year old. I just want to die.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 04/05/2019 23:46

Well done 💐

Caucho · 05/05/2019 00:23

I think there are some harsh responses here by the kick him out now brigade but do appreciate there is never any ‘good’ solution in this case. I can guarantee if this man didn’t pipe up at all until he’d sorted alternative accommodation, packed his belongings and dropped the bomb and left immediately after he would be criticised for being cruel, not giving any warning etc. Not everyone can just move in with their parents or a friends house so you either do the latter which is considered cruel and duplicatious or you stay for a bit and get accused of committing emotional torture. There were warnings and signposts anyway. Not entirely explicitly like now which seems to be the main complaint but is just disappearing instantaneously any better?

As for the person lamenting her sucidal partner overdosing, I perfectly understand the anger but does anyone really think this person is in a good place and livIng the dream as bastard? I doubt he was having a great time if he was making suicide attempts

user1481840227 · 05/05/2019 00:30

Caucho, it doesn't have to be instantaneous, but staying for another couple of months and a holiday sounds ridiculous.

Also the OP has known something was up for months and has spent a lot of that crying, there was time for him to make plans then!

Caucho · 05/05/2019 00:34

The holiday thing is nuts but I’ve seen loads of posts where people will say get your ducks in a row and leave after Christmas, the kids GCSE exams or whatever.

Basically, how is anyone supposed to leave their partner / spouse in ‘good’ way? Do you say I’m not happy, want to leave but need to sort some logistics out first? Or do you say I’m leaving, got my rented flat sorted and am off in the next 2 mins?

Zofloramummy · 05/05/2019 00:38

Maybe I’m not happy and sort it out before trying to shag your partners friends behind their back, lying to them and then wanting to stay for months playing happy families isn’t the ideal way either?

Caucho · 05/05/2019 00:38

Btw this isn’t me having a go at the OP or specific to this actual situation. Just talking generally. I initially read just kick him out now by some but know if he had pre-packed everything and said ‘see ya’ he’d be slated for it

Zofloramummy · 05/05/2019 00:41

That came out muddled! But trying to line up your next relationship before ending your current one and expecting to be able to carry on as normal for months after saying it over whilst not letting the op get support from her family and friends isn’t fair.

Caucho · 05/05/2019 00:44

Cross post with Zolforo. Don’t want to derail the specific problems but was just asking in a general sense what is the ‘best’ way to spilt up with a partner who you live with and have ties with like kids. One person will say do the first thing I said, others will go with the latter. This specific bloke might be a complete cunt and deserve criticism but my own belief is there is no nice way about leaving someone

LonelyTiredandLow · 05/05/2019 00:48

Well done OP!
If you find yourself wavering try writing it all down. It helps to remember all of the shitty things and can be helpful in the future when they deny all knowledge when you are low and need reminding of the hurt they are capable of, plus what you can surmount! You are finding the anger and channelling it really well.

Caucho · 05/05/2019 00:50

Sorry btw. Not going to post here again as warrants a separate debate as not specific to this and OP needs support

Nat6999 · 05/05/2019 02:07

When the shops open, go & buy a load of black bags, bag up his stuff & kick him out, hopefully he has now blown it with your ex friend. Let him worry where he is going to sleep. Get your ducks in a row, find copies of his bank statements, wage slips, your marriage certificate, check on your home computer to see if he has any accounts you don't know about online, have a good rummage round when he isn't there. Once he has gone, change the locks so he can't get in when you are out & take anything, get yourself a good solicitor, I know you aren't married, but if you have children together, you need to make sure he pays & provides for them. Don't let him worm his way back in, he is over & done with.

justilou1 · 05/05/2019 02:45

Fucking hell, stop being so soggy and tell everyone everything! Stop protecting him! He’s been an absolute shit for years and yes, because you’ve been afraid of losing him. Now you have and now you need support. Grab the support you need before he comes up with a sob story to cover his back!

Palaver1 · 05/05/2019 03:24

Easier said than done.Whats needed is lots of words of encouragement hopefully the scales will fall from the eyes.

Original poster
Smashedmyworldapart · 05/05/2019 04:43

Wide awake again, being up this early is unheard of for me. I feel sad, the calm has gone. Feel a bit teary but havent cried since about 3pm yesterday so a good 12 hours!

My instincts have been spot on, i knew something was up, i knew he was chasing another woman, i knew he was ringing someone, i knew he was only waiting till after the holiday.

I had been confiding in my manager at work (she is lovely) and i said on the Thursday that he seems back to normal but it feels false, and i said, call me paranoid but it feels like he is only staying till the after the holiday - and lo and behold less than 12 hours later he tells me that he is only staying till after the holiday. I should become a full time fortune teller i am that good!

My instincts are now telling me that maybe he doesnt love me, but i know that he was loving playing the knight in shining amour to "friend", laying the ground work, and was eventually hoping to get in her knickers, but if that didnt happen then i was his back up plan.

That hurts, it really does, knowing i am not good enough, and with my "friend", he is adamant that she is just a friend and he doesnt fancy her and nothing has happened and nothing will happen, but my instincts are screaming bullshit. Otherwise why stay and why doesnt he want people to know. We have split up, he doesnt love me, why cant people know?

He keeps saying that he doesnt open up to me about his feelings - and he hasnt really - but he opened up to "friend" alright, told how unhappy he was, how he wants to leave etc. Conversations he should have been having with me, but then he doesnt want in my knickers does he.

And the funny thing is that i have been trying really hard to lose weight so he will like me again. Was never going to happen was it.

OP posts:
AsleepAllDay · 05/05/2019 04:53

@Smashedmyworldapart Please kick him out, your instincts AND his words and actions have confirmed this. Please talk to some trusted friends and family and bag up his things and give him his marching orders if you haven't already

I totally understand the pain you are going through but you need some physical and mental distance from him. He has been able to clown around on you for so long so no wonder he's cheeky enough to want to live with you throughout the holiday.

You do not owe this multiple time cheat anything! Throw him out on his ear and let him taste consequences for the first time.

Being soft on him does nothing for you and lets him feel sure that he can do as he fancies. That stops now! Scrape up some self respect from the ground and trust that more of that and confidence in yourself will follow

AsleepAllDay · 05/05/2019 04:57

And 'maybe' he doesn't love you? Of course he doesn't! He doesn't even sound capable of love. Lust maybe, but the love he has is reserved for himself!

That isn't your fault, you aren't so huge and important that you can create a man's feelings from scratch from him. It's his choice and lack of empathy. He could've pushed off years ago when he realised this probably but he's so selfish he decided to milk you like a cow for your love, company, childcare and validation

Fuck this guy

CanuckBC · 05/05/2019 06:17

He is trying to keep in control and manipulate you. The mindset you have of F’ him is the right one to have. Don’t do anything for him. If the holiday is paid for, tell him he is not welcome. Take the money from your dad and take who ever was supposed to go plus your dad! If he wants to go. Kick his ass out of the house plus his boards of stuff.

Enjoy the clutterless house, including him, being gone. The weight of your shoulders anticipating the next time he will stray will eventually be amazing. To just be free to be yourself again.

justilou1 · 05/05/2019 06:25

Once he’s gone you will have lost an enormous amount of weight around your neck... the weight of carrying him and his clutter, the emotional abuse and of feeling unworthy. What a jerk. You will shortly realize how light and breezy your life is without that in it and I bet your “friend” begins to feel very heavily encumbered.

Mummyoftwo91 · 05/05/2019 07:06

Stay strong op, your better than him

Original poster
Smashedmyworldapart · 05/05/2019 07:59

Well, you will be proud of me. I was up at 3.30, lasted till 6 then went for a walk, sobbed all the way round and got home, he was in his normal chair and i sat down and told him that i couldnt do it anymore and he needs to leave. He is going to ring his mum in abit to ask if he can stay there, i am pretty sure that she will say yet.

We talked a bit, i asked why he couldnt have spoke to me before it go to this point. He said it was hard. Didnt know what to say to that really.

He is now downstairs sobbing because he wants to leave before DD wakes up. He is so upset about leaving her. Shame he is not so upset about leaving me.

I cant move on or heal or grieve with him here. Even now he is saying he doesnt know what he wants. still dangling that fucking carrot.

OP posts:
babbi · 05/05/2019 08:05

This is really hard for you and I completely understand your situation... your feelings moods and emotions will be going up and down for a while ... highs lows and nothing’s

It’s tough and draining but please believe me it won’t be forever.... you will emerge stronger , more settled with peace of mind and will like and love yourself...
you will become happier day by day and be positive about your future .... it takes time ...
On the roughest days keep reminding yourself that time will help ...
NONE of these things will happen if you stay with this man ...
Just imagine the freedom of not stressing every day over being “ good enough, thin enough, pretty enough , caring enough etc etc etc “ ..... ( in the eyes of this vile heartless selfish man ) ...

Freedom to be yourself and be loved for who you are and not being abused and manipulated by a waste of space ....

Take care - mumsnet ladies are behind you x

AgentPeggyCarter · 05/05/2019 08:07

Tell him to shove his fucking carrot up his arse. Just cause he’s taking it doesn’t mean that you have to reach for it.

I’m sorry your Sunday morning has started so tough. Flowers Hopefully he will leave and give you some space so you can figure out what you want to do next.

Mix56 · 05/05/2019 08:08

Its not what He wants tho is it ? He had his chance to choose. he didn't choose you & he didn't choose loyalty to DD & family.

Its what you want now, Don't fall for this bullshit, he is a lying cheating piece of scum, he has disrespected you for your whole marriage.
Enough is enough

justilou1 · 05/05/2019 08:15

Too late for what he wants now. He’s had his cake and eaten it too for far, far, far too long. Time’s up, Buttercup. Might be smart to let his mother know what a little darling her son’s been as well.

Qweenbee · 05/05/2019 08:32

Well that's what happens when you pursue other women isn't it. Don't feel sorry for him.

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