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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My world has been smashed apart

142 replies

Smashedmyworldapart · 04/05/2019 06:39

This is going to be rambly, sorry. Been with DP for 20 years, we both had young children when we met, now 2 have of our own, DS is 19 and DD is 7.

Our 20 years together have been peppered with other woman, DP having secret texts/phone calls, hiding things from me. I dont think he has ever cheated but just after DD was born was the last time.

For the last few months i have known something is wrong, he has switched off from me, i have begged and pleaded with him to tell me what is wrong, i have asked if he has his eye on someone else, have asked if he is planning on leaving me, all met with complete denials. I have spent a lot of time crying because i know something is wrong.

Things came to a head yesterday as i found out he has been having secret late night phone calls with a mutual friend of ours that i know he fancies. I went mental on the phone to him and he he came home from work and then dropped him bomb shell, he doesnt love me and hasnt for a few months. Loves me like a friend.

We are due to go on holiday in July, he was planning on leaving after the holiday, i told him that he was cruel to do that to me, he should have told me 2 months ago when i asked him, not string me along for a holiday.

We have decided for him to stay living here until after the holiday, he will help to clean up the house (he is a slight hoarder, all cupboards full of his crap) and financially i will be in a slightly shit position but it is doable, will have to go on universal credit.

I dont know if i can do this, be a house mate, i still love and adore him, i am sick of crying, i have cried more in a day than i have in 20 years. He is sleeping in DD's bed and i have to stop myself from getting into bed with him and begging him to love me again. My self respect is on the floor.

He didnt want me to tell anyone till after the holiday but i have told my adult children and my parents as i need the support. I feel like a dog at the table begging for crumbs of his affection.

I dont know what i want from this post, when will i stop crying? when will i have self respect again? when will i stop loving him? He keeps saying that he might wake up and realise what he is losing and come back to me, but i know that will never happen, he was so adamant that he loved me as a friend. His giving me false hope is cruel.

I am so lost and scared, i want to jump off a bridge to end the pain but i wouldnt never do that to my kids.

He has been my best friend for 20 years and he no longer is. He no longer has my back. I am so scared of the future, a fat 47 year old. I just want to die.

OP posts:

notapizzaeater · 04/05/2019 12:22

Glad you can go on holiday. Take the time to heal - you are worth so much more than this

Oliversmumsarmy · 04/05/2019 12:23

I wont engage with "friend" anymore, i have said my bit to her now she is dead to me. I still think he will end up with her

Well won’t she be the lucky one.

Give it a few months and he will be back out playing his games and it will be her having to deal with the fall out

NameUserChange · 04/05/2019 12:25

Ok, sounds like it's a good thing he has finally ended it after the amount he has put you through. He has finally told you the truth.

When emotions are raw we often agree to things that make life seem easier ie living together. You can't. Too much emotional baggage to do that. He needs to move out and then come back to pick his stuff up at other times.

He doesn't go on holiday.

That's that.

DelphiniumBlue · 04/05/2019 12:31

Another person here saying don't go on holiday with him, and ask him to move out now. If he "loves you like a friend, " he won't want to make things any worse for you than they already are, and if he doesn't agree to move out immediately maybe there is someone else ( your dad ?) who can ask him to behave reasonably. If he's currently saying he'll agree to take his name off the tenancy, get the paperwork sorted for that rightaway, it doesn't have to wait till he's actually moved out.
Take some control, it'll help you feel better.

chinam · 04/05/2019 12:38

It would be insanity to go on the holiday with this man. Accept the kind offer from your dad and take your daughter with you instead.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/05/2019 12:49

It’s great that your dad has offered you a lifeline and his moving out will help you to heal.

AgentPeggyCarter · 04/05/2019 13:30

He doesn't get to turn your life upside down and go on holiday with you. Take your Dad's offer up, take your daughter and take some time for you to recuperate and prepare for the start of the next phase of your life. You can do this :)

NotStayingIn · 04/05/2019 13:41

I'm so pleased your eldest son and dad have been so supportive. You sound like a caring person who is very much loved by her family. I'm sorry you are going through this, but please keep reminding yourself that you are doing the right thing by calling an end to this. You deserve so much better than this. Good luck OP.

FuriousVexation · 04/05/2019 14:29

Sorry OP, what a horrible shock and a shit situation.

You absolutely must NOT go on holiday with him. Ideally you should take yourself and DD and accept your dad's kind offer of spending money. However... if for any reason he is still in the current home during the time of the holiday, I wouldn't leave him there. He has proved to be a deceiving, untrustworthy prick. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. I'd worrying about coming home to both overt and covert vandalism or your possessions and the house.

Original poster

Smashedmyworldapart · 04/05/2019 14:52

I cant do this, i cant do any of this, i want my life back, it wasnt perfect but i want it back. I feel so alone.

OP posts:

coffeeandbiscuittime · 04/05/2019 15:13

It sounds like torture, having to face him everyday. He has made the decision to leave you so the kindest thing he could do is find somewhere else ...sofa surf, buy a 500 pound caravan and stay on a small site. He needs to leave and let you continue.
Of course you will grieve and want him back as it is better the devil you know ( or so we are led to believe).
Be strong , you are worth so much more and at 47 you have still got a life to lead , pick your self respect up off the floor and know that you are a much better person than he will ever be.
Sending virtual hugs and flowers xx

Original poster

Smashedmyworldapart · 04/05/2019 15:18

Just had another row with him, i wanted to tell DD as she keeps asking why i am crying, he went mental again and said he is going, he actually said he didnt want to tell anyone till after the holiday but i had to tell people, now everyone will know. He also said he might have changed his mind but he isnt going to now that people know.

He really expected me to last till July and not tell anyone, have no support, i am heart broken and devastated, but then to dangle the carrot that if i kept my gob shut he might have changed his mind.

I dont have the strength at the moment to kick him out but i will start to make my claim with tax credits and get the ball rolling.

OP posts:

Bigblue1970 · 04/05/2019 15:33

Sorry you are going through this but he only wanted you to keep quiet as he can't deal with being seen as the bad guy. You forced his hand and he doesn't like it. He had no intention of getting back with you and him putting that carrot infront of your nose is cruel. He clearly thought he could go quietly (with no guilt or blame), probably to the OW, after the holiday but you have altered his plans and he doesn't like it.

My DH did something similar to this. It was only when I finally told him to move out and took the control he could see what he was going to lose.

CheekyFuckersDontGetPastMe · 04/05/2019 15:33

Stop telling him things, take away his control.

If he mentions changing his mind again tell him you don’t want to, he has broken your heart and you won’t let him do it again.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/05/2019 15:47

Bastard. It really is all about him. He can’t even accept responsibility for ending the relationship. My bet is that had you not discovered the calls, he wouldn’t have left because that is how badly he is refusing to be the bad guy. Don’t get lulled into thinking this means there is hope for your relationship or he wants to be with you. He doesn’t. Stay strong. You deserve so much more. Let him rail and wail against you, lots of grey rock. He’s the only one, who’s in the wrong.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 04/05/2019 15:57

He’s blaming you. It’s all your fault. You shouldn’t have snooped, you shouldn’t have told anyone, you shouldn’t have called the OW. Blah blah blah.

It’s his fault, he’s the one who has caused all of this. Take out a full page ad in the local press if that’s how you feel like dealing with his betrayal. It’s quite frankly none of his business anymore.

Oliversmumsarmy · 04/05/2019 16:02

Please do not put any store in him saying if you hadn’t told people he might have stayed.

He is playing with you.

Of course he would say that, he has lost control of you and the situation.

I bet he was hoping to lay some ground work that would have painted you in a bad light and made your actions the reasons you two had split.

Your ex friend and him would have then fallen into each other’s arms and their story would have been one of escaping terrible partners and finding each other.

But instead you have pulled the rug from under him and now people know he is a serial adulterer and your friend is no better.

He knows you want him to stay so he says something that is patently untrue and cruel.

I think he has always been emotionally abusive towards you but at the time you didn’t realise because you didn’t make waves.

Now the word is out and for him he is trying to give himself time to organise stuff. He will want to find a nice flat and leave on his terms, not be thrown out with only a moments notice.

I know you feel like crap and your world has been turned upside down but from somewhere get the strength together to get him out and take all of his crap with him.

You will feel empty and devastated but only then will you start to heal.

It is like a sore. If you have something rubbing on it, it can’t heal till you remove the irritant

NeatFreakMama · 04/05/2019 17:40

If you can take yourself away from the situation, it’s not healthy for you. He’s trying to alleviate his guilt and responsibility by pretending it’s now on you that you’re not together, it’s controlling and pathetic and you are not in a place where that’s safe. Please remove yourself, get support and stay with family. If you can get a counselor and take a breath away from it all.

user1481840227 · 04/05/2019 17:46

It is far far better that he leaves now rather than in July.

You will be going through all the horrible emotions you are going through now, and a whole load of new ones when he finally moves out so it's like starting the process all over again in a couple of months.

MudCity · 04/05/2019 18:03

Ah OP, he wanted to be in control didn’t he? To leave when he wanted to...when it suited him. You have taken back control and absolutely need to maintain this position as proof to yourself, him and everyone else that you are a strong person and won’t be treated badly.

Let him pack up his hoard of crap and leave. Let him take it all elsewhere. You don’t need him, or his crap, in your life.

Maintain your pride and self-respect. Let him do whatever he wants to do. Show him you don’t give the tiniest shit. Go out, see friends, see family, take up a hobby, find things to do outside of the house. You owe him nothing.

Look after yourself and remember that, however horrible things are right now, he is the cause. It is painful but you will not feel as awful as you do right now a year from now. Think of a home without his crap and let him pack. He is not worth another moment of your time

Mix56 · 04/05/2019 18:39

This is the beginning of a Happy Ending for you
The guy is a long history of being lying cheating bastard.
Now the cat is out of the bag, he is livid as everyone will see him for what he is (read above) Plus the OW is not necessarily just going to move him in is she ?
Tell your children the truth.
Big Boy needs to Leave Now, Cancel the holiday, & do not let this slug crawl back in.

Original poster

Smashedmyworldapart · 04/05/2019 19:11

OK, you are probably all going to shout troll when i tell you this update - i dont know what happened but after he said that about he might have changed his mind if i hadnt told any one, the scales fell from my eyes. I was crying to my son about how i couldnt do it anymore, then i cleaned the bathroom and son cleaned his room and i felt amazing, calm, normal, happy, powerful and all the other cliches!

I know now how he was trying to be in control and manipulate me, he doesnt get to decide anymore, I dont want him, i will never cry infront of him again, i will never tell him i love him again.

I need him here till payday, otherwise i cant pay the rent, but i know i can do this now, all i can offer him is indifference, he is not my friend, i will tell him nothing anymore, i answer his questions (eg, is it raining) civilly but i will not engage in any emotional stuff with him.

I can feel the euphoria wearing off a bit now but i can do this, i have control and he is only here because i am allowing it for my needs. (money).

My friends and family have been amazing, i feel so loved.

OP posts:

sausage1968 · 04/05/2019 19:26

understand you completely ...my world has fell apart too...big hugs x

Orange6904 · 04/05/2019 19:30

Ugh 'he might have changed his mind if you hadn't told anyone' he can sod off.

Zofloramummy · 04/05/2019 21:14

Actually the swinging emotions are completely normal! It’ll all be a rollercoaster for a good while yet. Just keep thinking “I don’t need this in my life” and move forwards

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