My world has been smashed apart

[Smashedmyworldapart]

This is going to be rambly, sorry. Been with DP for 20 years, we both had young children when we met, now 2 have of our own, DS is 19 and DD is 7.

Our 20 years together have been peppered with other woman, DP having secret texts/phone calls, hiding things from me. I dont think he has ever cheated but just after DD was born was the last time.

For the last few months i have known something is wrong, he has switched off from me, i have begged and pleaded with him to tell me what is wrong, i have asked if he has his eye on someone else, have asked if he is planning on leaving me, all met with complete denials. I have spent a lot of time crying because i know something is wrong.

Things came to a head yesterday as i found out he has been having secret late night phone calls with a mutual friend of ours that i know he fancies. I went mental on the phone to him and he he came home from work and then dropped him bomb shell, he doesnt love me and hasnt for a few months. Loves me like a friend.

We are due to go on holiday in July, he was planning on leaving after the holiday, i told him that he was cruel to do that to me, he should have told me 2 months ago when i asked him, not string me along for a holiday.

We have decided for him to stay living here until after the holiday, he will help to clean up the house (he is a slight hoarder, all cupboards full of his crap) and financially i will be in a slightly shit position but it is doable, will have to go on universal credit.

I dont know if i can do this, be a house mate, i still love and adore him, i am sick of crying, i have cried more in a day than i have in 20 years. He is sleeping in DD's bed and i have to stop myself from getting into bed with him and begging him to love me again. My self respect is on the floor.

He didnt want me to tell anyone till after the holiday but i have told my adult children and my parents as i need the support. I feel like a dog at the table begging for crumbs of his affection.

I dont know what i want from this post, when will i stop crying? when will i have self respect again? when will i stop loving him? He keeps saying that he might wake up and realise what he is losing and come back to me, but i know that will never happen, he was so adamant that he loved me as a friend. His giving me false hope is cruel.

I am so lost and scared, i want to jump off a bridge to end the pain but i wouldnt never do that to my kids.

He has been my best friend for 20 years and he no longer is. He no longer has my back. I am so scared of the future, a fat 47 year old. I just want to die.

He was hoping to leave after thr holiday WHEN he had made more progress with OW. He is afraid of the backlash from her potentially rejecting him and everyone knowing it.

He still isn't sure of OW will have him so that is why he is "not sure".
She is a stupid woman to fall for this and vain of she thinks she is "better" than you.

It will be so painful when he leaves but you have your children and family plus self respect.

You are worth so much more than this OP, you wouldn’t treat a friend you loved like this, let alone a long term partner.

Make a new life for you. Sending you a big hug.

Well done for this morning, that took some courage

Once he's out you can plan better
He's a git for doing it at a time when you can't get hold of benefits/solicitors for 3 days but write down everything you need to do and praise yourself every time you tick off a step

It's your time and choices now

Well done, he is crying because he has lost control,

The reality and consequences of his actions have now hit him, so he wants to go crying to his mummy. Make sure she knows just what her son is up to.

'He doesn't know what he wants' = doesn't want to be forced to make a decision that might backfire. He wants not only his cake, but eating privileges with both you and her.

At this point you are just a safety net for him. He knows that you will tolerate him messing around with other women so why would he give up having a wife who can run the house, take care of the kids, turn a blind eye and say that she loves him?

He is monumentally selfish. He knows that he doesn't want to be a monogamous, loving, mutually respecting husband to you, for one, otherwise he would be.

Well done on telling him to clear out. Those tears are nothing in comparison to yours

So glad the scales fell off and you asked him to leave.

It takes a lot of energy to worry about what liars are doing. It takes a lot if energy to BS yourself. Once you're freed of this, you'll use that energy for yourselves, and your kids, and you will be ok.

He's crying and feeling sorry for himself because THIS is not on HIS timetable. He doesn't have the other woman quite at the point he wanted her at so he could saunter from your place to hers. You're not doing the pick me dance for him. The reality of what he's losing has dawned on the stupid man.

OP, he's only crying because he's not in control, because it's manipulation, and so on. Not because he's suddenly realised what he's going to miss.

My situation is different because I left my abusive ex, but he tried the crying method of manipulation too (hasn't worked).

And being a fat 50 year old myself, I would not be surprised to find you're a comfort eater, you've been unhappy for a long time. If you'd lost the weight, it wouldn't have made any difference because he doesn't love you, he's only around for other reasons. I had my ex begging me to go back, me being fat wasn't a problem for him because he just wanted to be able to control me again.

Eat healthily and exercise, I find walking is great for helping me feel better. If you lose weight while doing this, then great, you may be able to feel better in yourself, find your self esteem rising and begin to realise that losing this idiot was the best thing that could happen for you. Other people have given advice on sorting out the practical stuff for him leaving but I wanted to offer something to help your self esteem, which is clearly rock bottom right now.

Remember, revenge is a life lived well. At this time, you won't be able to see it but you'll be able to recover and forge a new life with DD, being a grandma, and having the love of those people and family who have your back.

'He doesn't know what he wants' = doesn't want to be forced to make a decision that might backfire. He wants not only his cake, but eating privileges with both you and her

This.

He is also in distress because you have upset his plans.

Sometimes you have to wonder about the mentality of some people.

They screw about and do everything to break something then cry over the results.

No idea why he is crying over Dd. As he said he was leaving anyway and all you have done is bring the date forward

Given how much of his behaviour has been about not being the bad guy, I wonder if him crying about DD is that he's not now in a position to make it look like he's not the bad guy for leaving. OP is changing the narrative.

Yes, if he was sure of the OW and packing up to live with her, he wouldn't be crying. He would getting out of there so fast your house would tremble on its foundations.

This is more of a 'I'm sorry that I was caught' then genuinely feeling sorry situation. He's feeling self pity because it's not unfolding exactly as he thought - he counted on you keeping him around while he makes more moves with the OW

Your only 47 that is still young ,u can still change your life & be happy without him,u deserve better than to be treated this way.
If your feeling down about how u look then it is easy to lose weight and feel good about yourself again.x

You’ve thrown him under the bus, OP! The OW isn’t ready for him yet! She’s still grieving the loss of her husband and hasn’t yet fallen for his immeasurable charms! He’s not going to be such a catch living at his mum’s place, is he? Also, what’s he going to do with his treasure hoard? Will she keep it safe for him? No fucking way!!! What other sap is going to take the blame for his many character flaws while he dicks around making the family home unhygienic and unliveable, earning a living and doing the parenting while he nurtures relationships elsewhere? How will he have time now when he will be expected to PULL HIS WEIGHT? My goodness you’re going to find life easier soon!!!

I should think he's crying about leaving his daughter for the same reasons that anyone would cry at leaving their daughter. Thinking about leaving someone is all very theoretical - especially when it's some sort of fun fantasy - until it actually happens and you realise exactly what it is that you're doing. Even people who have had an affair are allowed to be sad that their relationship is breaking up.

Someone asked how you can leave someone nicely. It's pretty simple: don't torture the other person by your weird behaviour, denying that anything is going on, until eventually your partner finds out you've been acting weirdly because of an OW, and you choose that moment to reveal for the first time that you no longer have feelings for her. If you realise you no longer have feelings for her, do something about it before you start seeing other women. because otherwise it looks suspiciously like you were perfectly happy with your partner until your long-term relationship was compared to a fresh new crush.

But people do muck things up, unfortunately. I have no doubt that he was honestly hoping that he wouldn't have to make up his mind just yet OP - because he was actually perfectly fine with you, and didn't want to upset the applecart until he had a foot firmly in another door. And he's pissed off because hadn't thought it through - hadn't thought that you might come up with a different plan - as he was firmly living in a fantasy world, where everything would all be fine, and he wasn't doing something stupid and nasty. Thinking about it would spoil that picture, by revealing it to be nonsense, so he has deliberately been hiding his head in the sand and not thinking too hard. Now you've made things all real and horrid.

I have been trying really hard to lose weight so he will like me again. Was never going to happen was it.
No, because your weight was not, and is not the issue. From your description of his years of adoration-seeking I'd suspect that, like my exh, he has a deep lack of self-esteem and can only fill the gap by constantly finding new people to impress. In my ex's case I suspect it is related to the fact that he was the family clown/idiot, that everyone laughed at.

I'm genuinely really sorry he's done this to you, but him saying he doesn't know what he wants smacks of panic. I bet he was hoping to have things more firmed up with your ex friend before he left you properly and by telling you he wanted to leave meant he could tell this woman "we can be together after X date"

Crying is normal, feeling bereft is normal. But like someone said up-post. You will feel lighter and be happier not having to constantly worry you're not good enough. You are enough. He is the one who's not. Not enough to be in a loving relationship without playing away. An emotional affair is still an affair.