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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My world has been smashed apart

142 replies

Smashedmyworldapart · 04/05/2019 06:39

This is going to be rambly, sorry. Been with DP for 20 years, we both had young children when we met, now 2 have of our own, DS is 19 and DD is 7.

Our 20 years together have been peppered with other woman, DP having secret texts/phone calls, hiding things from me. I dont think he has ever cheated but just after DD was born was the last time.

For the last few months i have known something is wrong, he has switched off from me, i have begged and pleaded with him to tell me what is wrong, i have asked if he has his eye on someone else, have asked if he is planning on leaving me, all met with complete denials. I have spent a lot of time crying because i know something is wrong.

Things came to a head yesterday as i found out he has been having secret late night phone calls with a mutual friend of ours that i know he fancies. I went mental on the phone to him and he he came home from work and then dropped him bomb shell, he doesnt love me and hasnt for a few months. Loves me like a friend.

We are due to go on holiday in July, he was planning on leaving after the holiday, i told him that he was cruel to do that to me, he should have told me 2 months ago when i asked him, not string me along for a holiday.

We have decided for him to stay living here until after the holiday, he will help to clean up the house (he is a slight hoarder, all cupboards full of his crap) and financially i will be in a slightly shit position but it is doable, will have to go on universal credit.

I dont know if i can do this, be a house mate, i still love and adore him, i am sick of crying, i have cried more in a day than i have in 20 years. He is sleeping in DD's bed and i have to stop myself from getting into bed with him and begging him to love me again. My self respect is on the floor.

He didnt want me to tell anyone till after the holiday but i have told my adult children and my parents as i need the support. I feel like a dog at the table begging for crumbs of his affection.

I dont know what i want from this post, when will i stop crying? when will i have self respect again? when will i stop loving him? He keeps saying that he might wake up and realise what he is losing and come back to me, but i know that will never happen, he was so adamant that he loved me as a friend. His giving me false hope is cruel.

I am so lost and scared, i want to jump off a bridge to end the pain but i wouldnt never do that to my kids.

He has been my best friend for 20 years and he no longer is. He no longer has my back. I am so scared of the future, a fat 47 year old. I just want to die.

OP posts:
stucknoue · 04/05/2019 07:48

I'm a similar age and my h announced he wanted out, it's a scary, upsetting thing even if in the cold light of day we know the relationship wasn't perfect. Get your affairs in order especially financial, and remember you aren't alone - I'm thinking of starting a rl group here where I am for abandoned spouses, just an excuse to go to the pub/coffee and meet new people

Springwalk · 04/05/2019 07:48

palaver is spot on.

Ceebs85 · 04/05/2019 07:51

Sorry this is happening to you.... In that I'm sorry you've been with someone for so long who has never respected you enough not to cheat on you.

This is the beginning of your new life. Build yourself up. Get friends on side. Be 100% honest with them about everything he's ever done, saying it out loud might help you to realise too.

Hire a skip and get him to throw his crap away over a weekend. Don't use his hoarding as an excuse for him to lay around your house giving you (cruel) falso hope whilst carrying on this relationship with the OW. Now is the time to have some self respect. If you don't feel it, fake it, think about what you'd advise a friend to do in this situation

Qweenbee · 04/05/2019 07:53

You can't live with him feeling like you do. Rip that plaster off and get rid of him. Get angry. Why do you want a man who has treated you like that?

Aprillygirl · 04/05/2019 08:01

I agree with others OP, this man has been treating you badly for years and you've just allowed him too. I understand you must be devastated but it's time to show strength now girl,and by that I mean it's time for YOU to call the shots. Tell him to pack his shit up and get out today. The sooner he's out the sooner you can get over him and realise that he's been no 'best friend' to you at all. Friends are not duplicitous liars,they respect each other for starters. Have a good cry over him by all means, and then get angry, because once he's gone you'll see much more clearly that you deserve much better than he gave you, and your life will get better when you're not having to worry about what he's up to. As for the holiday,go with a good friend or your family and make sure you have a bloody good time, you deserve it!Flowers

LonelyTiredandLow · 04/05/2019 08:12

I really feel for you OP - it does sound as if he has worn you down over the years and made you believe you are easily replaceable. You won't be, I promise, but that is for you to know and him to find out.

You sound so lost and I remember those feelings very well. It's a slow process to regain yourself after this kind of treatment. Men like this tend (IMO) to pick strong vibrant women then joyfully rip shreds off until they don't have power over them (men/power of attraction) any more. Do believe in yourself that you can get yourself back. I worry that you have identified as his side-kick/helper and lost yourself.

Now is the time to remember things you enjoyed doing, find distractions, imagine where you want to be in a month/year (short term to start but have a goal or two), new hair and clothes - maybe he stopped you dying your hair and you can do that now?

I'm so glad you have the support of your friends and older DC. You will need it and I think they will rally around. It is hard not to feel you are going on about it when these situations happen, so MN is a good place to offload if you think people in RL have had enough!

SoupDragon · 04/05/2019 08:15

Mane him leave now. Speaking from experience, your current plan isn't what is best.

Tana433 · 04/05/2019 08:18

I know it doesn't feel like it now but you can get through this and be happy again. Almost the same happened to me, I was with my exH since I was 17 and had 2 dcs with him.
For the last 6 years I was absolutely miserable, he saw other women and constantly put me down and told me I would never manage without him.
I eventually saw the light and got rid. I was fortunate enough to be able to take the mortgage over on my own. Skip to 7 years later, im happily married again and cant believe I ever put up with so much crap. Meanwhile he is approaching 50 and living with his mum.
Op you will get through this I promise.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 04/05/2019 08:20

Kick him out now. Take someone else on holiday with you - your mum? Don’t prolong the torture for another second.

He’s a waste of oxygen and has treated you poorly for years. Make today the first day of your new life, I promise it will be so much better than what you’re putting yourself through now.

cannoninD · 04/05/2019 08:24

OP I’m sorry you feel this way and personally I don’t think this guy is worth your time or effort.

BUT, if you do want ANY chance of getting his interest back. You HAVE to wake up this morning, put on your nice clothes and do your make up, and behave like you don’t give a single shit about him or what he’s doing!

LITERALLY don’t mention it, don’t ask him questions. Start being ‘secretive’ with your phone and organise to go out with friends (but don’t tell him who). If you’re in a limited social circle then reach out to people. You’d be surprised how easy it is to make friends if you just try!

My ExDp 🤔 basically did this to me. Although after 2 years and with no DC involved. But he sounds very similar to your DP in personality.

They DO NOT like being wrong footed. Right now he thinks he has you in a corner and expects you to be sad, want to talk about it, beg him to stay...etc. DONT!

If you literally carry on like you don’t give a f*, he won’t know what to do and might just change his mind!

(I think you should LTB though)

Mummaofmytribe · 04/05/2019 08:24

He has to leave. It's torture him being there and he's only staying because it's convenient to him.
I am so sorry you're so upset. It must hurt like hell. You won't believe it now, but in a year you will be in a totally better place. You will probably come to see this as a blessing. He's had you uneasy and insecure for years.
Get him out and do you have a friend or relative who could help you pack up all his hoarded stuff?
Best of luck. You truly will be okFlowers

LonelyTiredandLow · 04/05/2019 08:28

Agree with posters saying you need to realise he isn't a friend. Try not to beg - he won't respect that and it's horrid to remember doing it when you are in a better place!

I find music also can help, a new soundtrack for your new life Smile. Good luck Flowers

Mel6l72 · 04/05/2019 08:29

Please have a look at the website called Survivinginfidelity.com they can help you through this

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 04/05/2019 08:35

I agree with the general feeling on here. This man has messed with head, lied to you and undermined your self esteem for long enough. You don’t need him. You may well be unhappy for a while when he goes but you’re unhappy now while he’s there! Get him out now.
Don’t go on holiday with him - he won’t become nicer or more honest just by changing locations.

You are 47 years old - from my perspective that’s pretty much a spring chicken! Take this as an opportunity to start a new and better life where you aren’t always checking and questioning, where you aren’t depending on a louse to give you a false sense of security. Ultimately if you are going to be lonely it’s better to be lonely on your own than lonely living with someone you desperately hope might be kind to you one day.

snowdrop6 · 04/05/2019 08:49

What a twat,
You are in the prime of your life you have nearly half your life left to live.
Pack his stuff in bin bags .show him the consequences of his actions and chuck him the hell out.
Get a shower.wash your hair ,get some slap on.and start the rest of your life.

FlyMayBe · 04/05/2019 08:59

He's not your friend, OP. Friends don't lie and cheat.

How dare he treat you this way. Rediscover your pride and self-respect, kick him out and see a solicitor pronto.

For you Thanks

sourdoh · 04/05/2019 09:01

oh op

Im so sorry you are going through this dreadful time. I'd wager that you will feel better pretty soon; toxic relationships are so bad for general health and wellbeing.

Remember - the best 'revenge' is a life well lived. You can do it. I am. Yes its scary and full of learning to be comfortable with being uncomfortable BUT its so empowering.

Much love

Original poster
Smashedmyworldapart · 04/05/2019 09:07

I have just come back from an hours walk and sobbed nearly all the way round. I had a text row with our "friend", i confided in her a few years ago that DP fancied her and what he has done over the years and she was horrified. But as her relationship has gone to shit she turns to DP as a knight in shining armour. I told her that she was a slag and he only wants in her knickers. I know, i am not covering myself in glory here.

I got in from my walk and told him what happened, he has gone mental, shouting, slamming doors because i have accused him, he his really angry as "friend" has done nothing wrong. I have blown it now. Not sure what i have blown, i asked him what i had blown but he couldnt really answer, i told him that i am hurt and lashing out. He has gone out now and i am reeling.

I want to kick him out now and just me and DD go on holiday but i am so skint, i couldnt afford any spending money, but him staying here is killing me.

We have so much to look forward to, in June we are going to be grandparents, our 19 year old son is going to be a dad, (he has already moved out), i was making plans for the year, i asked him that when i said things like "At Christmas we can do xyz" etc was he laughing at me knowing what bombshell he was about to drop.

He stomped off in the car and has just rang me, i asked him how long he was going to be as i wanted to see my son later, he got angry again and said he wouldnt see his mate, and will come home and spend all day at home instead.

Why get angry with me, i am devastated. I want to be angry but it is too buried under the hurt, devastation, scared, shock, i need angry.

OP posts:
tinstar · 04/05/2019 09:19

The holiday really is a minor issue in all this. Obviously you can't go together - that would be the holiday from hell. So either one of you goes with DD or you just write off the cost.

I behaved exactly like you when a long term relationship broke down in my early 30s. Trying to make sense of it all and pleading with the other person to come back to me. I think it's the shock of thinking your life is one thing and suddenly finding out it's not.

The anger at you is an attempt, I imagine, to make himself feel better. That this is your fault too. It's why cheats often start to find fault/pick fights with their partners - helps them justify their actions.

It's absolutely not your fault though. The best thing you can do now is ask him to leave and not engage at all with him or the ow. Easier said than a done I know when you're in a state of emotional turmoil.

mostlydrinkstea · 04/05/2019 09:27

Remember it will be all your fault. Nothing is his fault. All your fault.

Which is unreasonable and wrong.

Because it takes two to make a marriage and if he wants to go he has to go.

This is hard but you can do it. Get him out. Get his stuff out. Look at the financials and remember he isn't your friend.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 04/05/2019 09:29

Your friend has betrayed you too. She is not some random other woman who owes you nothing, she was supposed to be your friend. She deserved to know and feel the hurt she’s caused. Don’t beat yourself up.

You cannot possibly still think that you can all go on holiday together? What a miserable time you’ll all have. Your daughter included. Borrow some spending money or cancel the whole thing. Then kick him out. This can’t continue.

GreenTulips · 04/05/2019 09:32

Now is the time to start dumping his stuff on the lawn! What are you waiting for? Use your anger to spur you on.

Skiptheskip · 04/05/2019 09:41

Forget the holiday, now he’s out just start packing his stuff and kick him out. He’s treated you like shit for 20 years ffs.

Sorry to be harsh but if you’re hoping to somehow “win him back” there’s nothing more unattractive than someone being needy, clingy, crying, begging and very obviously prepared to put up with being treated like dirt.

Scrape what remains of your self esteem off the floor and start acting like you’re done with him. Because you bloody should be.

tinstar · 04/05/2019 09:46

We have so much to look forward to, in June we are going to be grandparents,

You will still be a grandma - with or without your husband. You don't need to be tied to some cheating, callous shit to enjoy life and look forward to things.

Kaddm · 04/05/2019 09:48

He’s stringing you along by remaining in the house. You need him out or sell the house and both leave it. Either way you need your own space to rebuild you life. Free of his hoarded crap and his disgusting behaviour.

Do not kill yourself. You have been a lovely wife to him and this Problem is of his making. He has hurt you but you are still a nice person who your kids and parents love. He’s an asshole, don’t let him ruin you.