My world has been smashed apart

[Smashedmyworldapart]

This is going to be rambly, sorry. Been with DP for 20 years, we both had young children when we met, now 2 have of our own, DS is 19 and DD is 7.

Our 20 years together have been peppered with other woman, DP having secret texts/phone calls, hiding things from me. I dont think he has ever cheated but just after DD was born was the last time.

For the last few months i have known something is wrong, he has switched off from me, i have begged and pleaded with him to tell me what is wrong, i have asked if he has his eye on someone else, have asked if he is planning on leaving me, all met with complete denials. I have spent a lot of time crying because i know something is wrong.

Things came to a head yesterday as i found out he has been having secret late night phone calls with a mutual friend of ours that i know he fancies. I went mental on the phone to him and he he came home from work and then dropped him bomb shell, he doesnt love me and hasnt for a few months. Loves me like a friend.

We are due to go on holiday in July, he was planning on leaving after the holiday, i told him that he was cruel to do that to me, he should have told me 2 months ago when i asked him, not string me along for a holiday.

We have decided for him to stay living here until after the holiday, he will help to clean up the house (he is a slight hoarder, all cupboards full of his crap) and financially i will be in a slightly shit position but it is doable, will have to go on universal credit.

I dont know if i can do this, be a house mate, i still love and adore him, i am sick of crying, i have cried more in a day than i have in 20 years. He is sleeping in DD's bed and i have to stop myself from getting into bed with him and begging him to love me again. My self respect is on the floor.

He didnt want me to tell anyone till after the holiday but i have told my adult children and my parents as i need the support. I feel like a dog at the table begging for crumbs of his affection.

I dont know what i want from this post, when will i stop crying? when will i have self respect again? when will i stop loving him? He keeps saying that he might wake up and realise what he is losing and come back to me, but i know that will never happen, he was so adamant that he loved me as a friend. His giving me false hope is cruel.

I am so lost and scared, i want to jump off a bridge to end the pain but i wouldnt never do that to my kids.

He has been my best friend for 20 years and he no longer is. He no longer has my back. I am so scared of the future, a fat 47 year old. I just want to die.

Stop talking to him about it, he isn't on your side. Find a good solicitor asap.

You’ve got to ask him to leave sooner than July. What’s happening now will keep happening and it’ll just destroy you. Better (for you) to get that clean break now.

Clearly “friend” was where he was hoping to jump next, hence the comments about ruining things. People that do bad things to others (be that cheating, or stealing from them or whatever) generally have a way of mentally twisting the facts to protect their opinion of themselves. In his head, he is the good guy and hasn’t done anything wrong.

He probably even sees himself as “heroic” in having declared his lack of love and being “honest” with you.

I would seriously consider either not going on holiday or taking someone else.

Get a solicitor ASAP. You need to sort out your finances.

He needs to move out. It will be torture for him to be there every day. You need space to be able to start focusing on yourself. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I can’t imagine how much you must be hurting. You have so much to look forward to, it might not feel like it now, but after all these years of uncertainty and wondering and desperately trying to win his affections you can draw a line under everything. It’s not you, he’s a pig who tried to have his cake and eat it too. Kick him out, tell him to sort his shit out or you’ll do it for him (skip). He’s angry because he’s no longer in control.

You can do this. Just one day at a time. In a year you’ll be in a totally different place with your lovely baby grandchild. Try and focus on that.

Good luck you deserve so much more than that awful excuse of a “husband”. He’s a coward.

I imagine what 'you've blown' is his shitty emotional affair with your so called friend.
Perhaps he wanted more out of it and is blaming you for pushing her away. What a pair of shits. I'm so sorry for you. You absolutely do not deserve to be treated so terribly.

Start now by getting him to move out and have the holiday without him

Absolutely!! Who the fuck does he think he is? Sounds like you’ve never been enough.

You’re better off without him

Good for you to challenge your friend she will now have to really consider if he is worth it. I hope she is warned off otherwise she will have to also deal with this man.
Also well done for asking what you have blown. As he is the one who has blown it - with you and your friend. Plus he really needs to get on with finding somewhere to stay/live today so it's good he's not going out with his mate. Perhaps suggest that's what he should spend the day doing instead and ask him to agree a timeline does he have a few days/a week to move out? Take the power back - the end result will be the same anyway so you might as well have the least painful option of the journey to get there.
You said you have family too so that is good - maybe go to your sons or your parents? It's the bank holiday perhaps an overnight break will be good for you?
He's not a great person and isn't what you think he is. He's been a cancer in your life and now you are finding the cure and on your way to happiness.

He's treated you like shit for years by the sound of it. I think you should kick him out and get a skip to fill with his junk. You deserve better, and I hope one day soon you'll be able to see that yourself. Don't hang on till July that's going to be hell for you.

Oh op, my heart goes out to you. This feels and is worse because he has all the power here. He needs to leave, you need to be able to choose again (don’t choose him regardless of what he does/says) x

You need to cancel the holiday and he needs to be gone today.
Only then can you start to get your life back.

Atm ge is the one in the wrong and he is still calling the shots.

He knows by the way you are acting that he has options if things don’t work out he will be back like a flash till the next time.

Use your anger to bag everything up of his and dump it out the front.

Without his shit in the house you will feel so much better

I agree don’t go on holiday with him. It’s just hurting you and he’s having his cake and eating it. Make the situation real for him. He’s made his choice, make him live that choice.

All the things you're feeling now will change. You will come out of this happier and stronger. Suspect being in this relationship has broken your self-esteem, not just the collapse. I don't have a significant other any more but all the relationships I have in my life now are true and kind and certain - from neighbours to close friends and it is better and healthier this way. I know where you are emotionally and you will be ok. Things will change and they will be better. I would make him go as soon as possible, every time you look at him you'll hurt and stay in this hurtful place. Get him out and let yourself heal. Counselling, kindness to yourself and accept love & support offered elsewhere.

Try to be strong, it’s so difficult but hear him when he says it’s over. Get yourself a counselor if you can so you have someone to work it through with, particularly your feelings of hopelessness and low self esteem. Time will heal you but it will hurt for now. If you could turn to your friends or family for support? You can be without him.

I have also been with my husband for 20 years, we have children of similar ages to yours so our relationships are similar in that sense.

I don't think there is any coming back from this and prolonging things is no help to anyone, you will start to resent him and so will your adult children for putting you through this. Just ask him to go now as they will be able to see how upset you are however good you think you are at hiding it.

We are capable of a lot more than we realise, you don't need him and why would you want him if this is how he treats you. Start putting a financial plan in place and thinking about access arrangements for the children and then just have a clean break. It really will be for the best however much it hurts at first.

Is the house owned or rented? Whose name is it in?
Are you working?

Right now you are naturally reeling but you need to start thinking quickly about how you are going to manage financially. He need to pay CM for you 7 year old.

You aren’t married so at least there is no expensive divorce to sort out, but it does leave you financially more vulnerable if you’ve been a SAHM.

Start focusing on the practical stuff. Also eat small amounts regularly, drink sugary drinks, stay off alcohol (it won’t help). And keep posting. Try to go ‘grey rock’ with him. And read chumplady

You deserve so much better than him. If he has constantly cheated then you're missing something he wasn't. Has he started getting rid of his rubbish? Don't play the pick me dance - he is a twat.

It doesn't matter what your "friend" has done. If it wasn't her, it'd be someone else. It always has been. She can add herself to his list of conquests, and he'll do the same and move on anyway.

Just don't be the woman standing there letting it happen. There's no happiness, or stability, or dignity in that.

It will be hard. You might have to give up the holiday if you've got no way of getting spending money, there will be stressful nights, he'll probably be a wanker the whole way through.

But you'll get to the other side and experience life without him being a wanker or constantly having other women on the go, and it'll be different but better.

My (now ex) husband was exactly like yours, as soon as we got married he started messaging other women, flirting with them, having emotional affairs, non physical as far as I know.

I put up with it for years as he would threaten to kill himself, 7 years ago I decided to leave when DD was 18 and stopped checking his phone and started putting all my ducks in order. I knew I could manage 10 years living with him.

Loads of other issues around his spending, laziness as well but none of that hurts more than his desire for other women.

Last year I decided to check his phone, not even sure why and noticed messages to a woman, that night I told him our marriage was over (after 17 years) and after 2 weeks (the usual time for me to 'get over' his latest infidelity) he realised I was serious after I d seen a solicitor - he left 2 weeks later.

He took an overdose 5 months later and ended up sectioned, he thought me kicking him out was just a punishment and we would get back together and when he realised I was serious he took the overdose.

Apparently I was supposed to just put up with his behaviour and anyway, he would never have left me for any of these women!!!
Honestly you could not make it up.

When we split I was 37 and thought that no one would ever want me - my self-confidence was very low but I'm enjoying the single life, getting on with my own stuff, I have the house and my animals.

I'm gradually building my confidence up but doubt I'll ever have a proper relationship again, I cant see that I will ever trust anyone and anyway my heart is made of stone now and there is no breaking that apart.

Good luck - you are stronger than you think, you will get through this, have a cry today and a wallow and then pick yourself back up and kick his sorry arse out.

I hate to say it but I doubt he has been behaving since your DD was born, I expect he got better at hiding it.

Try not to shout and call him or her names, you don't want them to know you are upset and you care.
Just ignore them and carry on as best you can.

Something similar happened to me at 45. Five years later and I am exploring my new life, making new friends, doing new things. You never know what the future will bring - it may seem all well-laid-out when you're in a long-term relationship, but there is never any guarantee that the future you imagine will come. Dropping that idea and giving in to the unknown can be quite helpful.

You are still blinded by the shite he is spouting, and still rying to please him. You haven't "blown it". He has. He's done something stupid. Do not let him make you think that he's going because you did something wrong. You know he's been basking in other women's admiration all these years. That's what drives him. That's why he's leaving, no more, no less. He will try to make this your fault - because he doesn't want to take the blame. Of course. Don't let him pull the wool over your eyes.

Also don't let him dictate what happens next. The holiday would be awful. Laugh in his face at the idea of going with him.

Hard to get them to leave. In my case what really got him hurrying to go was me in his face at all hours of the night and day, discussing what he had done. Reminding him, not giving him any down time. Angry. He found a place quickly. Until then, separate rooms, separate lives, tell everyone what is going on and do not put on a happy face and sweep your feelings under the carpet. Don't let him get away with it.

At the same time, while the comments about your marriage having been over for ages and you not "wasting" any more time with him are well-meant, don't let him spoil your past or make your life in the last 20 years seem any less valuable because of his choices and behaviour. Your life has not been wasted. You know what you have got out of it. Now it's time for the next chapter.

He keeps saying that he might wake up and realise what he is losing and come back to me
Translation: if it doesn't work out with the other woman then I'm confident that you won't turn me away, as I am so fucking great that you'll love me even if I treat you like total shit.

www.chumplady.com/

I don't for one minute think you should stay with this man, but the best way to make him realise what he's missing is not to be needy and plead with him to change his mind - not an attractive look. It's for you to get on with your life in a strong and positive way. Initiating practical steps to separate your lives will shock him because at the moment he thinks it's all on his terms and he can keep you dangling.

i would make him leave now and dont go to holiday with him.
you are not old. you can make a new life for yourself. get rid of this cheating man. he will do it again years and years.
you only love what you want him to be.

i think you need to understand that people also communicate with their behaviour.
You dont need someone to tell you in words that its all wrong and fucked up, when theyre behaving like it is, cheating on you, betraying you. You can take how he treats you and doesnt prioritise or cherish you as very strong communication. He has treated you appallingly. I think you need to forget about this holiday and concentrate on building your life back up after this piece of shit has done his best to trash it

Just been out for a coffee with my lovely eldest son. Went through all my options and what ifs, managed not to cry for a few hours.

I wont be playing any pick me dance or beg him, i told him last night that i love him and dont want to split up, i very much believe that he doesnt love me, there is no putting the cork back in the bottle for that. I know it is over and he doesnt love me, i am not living in the pretence that he will come back to me. As somebody said up thread i am grieving for my relationship.

I wont engage with "friend" anymore, i have said my bit to her now she is dead to me. I still think he will end up with her.

We rent, HA, he has agreed to take his name of the tenancy, i work full time, always have done, we have similar salary and similar pensions, never married (probably because deep down i always knew he would leave me).

I really think i cannot go on holiday with him, i dont think i can do it, my lovely dad has promised me £500 if i need it so i can take DD on holiday.

sorry just to add i dont think DP ever cheated in the physical sense, i believe it was all emotional laying the ground work but as i know him so well he always got busted. He just seems to like having his ego stroked by other women.