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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have to leave him, don't I?

688 replies

MeltedEggMum · 03/05/2019 07:08

Yesterday my husband attacked me.

We have had our ups and downs like all couples, nothing out of the ordinary I thought.

Before he attacked me we were having a good day, he was off work, we had the plumber in, everything was chilled.

I left to do the school run and came home to him feeling stressed because the toddler had made a mess of talc upstairs. I joked with him a bit to try to diffuse the situation but he suddenly turned nasty.

He grabbed me by the throat and slapped me around the face three times.

I froze. I couldn't believe it was happening. He walked away from me and as we went downstairs he threatened to do it again.

Luckily I had my phone on me and I called the police straight away.

They arrested him and he was given a caution late last night - he's staying with a friend.

There's no fixing this, is there? He's ruined everything. I'm still in shock. Yesterday morning I had a normal life.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 05/05/2019 12:41

Dial ex non emergency number. Or if your local police station is nearby go in and tell them.

When ex assaulted me he was put under bail conditions one of which was he was not allowed to approach me, my house or work place then I got an emergency non molestation order in place before that ran out, which was even stricter and he wasn’t allowed to contact me at all.

Do you think you might need a non molestation order? The police domestic violence unit were really helpful and supportive when I went through this. But this was over a decade ago before all the cuts.

BertieBotts · 05/05/2019 12:43

Oh gosh please do not ever feel guilty or responsible for not noticing signs. That's exactly how they operate. You could be a psychology professor and fail to see it - it's not a personal failing at all. I'm sorry, I made the mistake of replying to someone else about that - this is your thread and it's not helpful. I get a bit wound up about general levels of ignorance about DV but it's not your fault.

The number will be the number of your local DV unit. You might be able to find it by googling. If your police force has a facebook page a few of them have been giving some publicity recently to the new coercive control law, so have info on there. The crime ref number would probably be helpful.

Yukka · 05/05/2019 13:08

Change the locks at least op, he shouldn’t enter that house without an agreed time and clarity on what he needs/wants. Then you can be out and ask a friend ir family member to be there instead.

Keep going xx

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 05/05/2019 13:22

I can't legally change the locks. He could just break in because the house is his as well.

I've spoken to the police and I made a mistake when I gave my thoughts on their report. At the time I was still considering taking him back (I know, I know, but it was hours after the event and I can't undo 20 years in a couple of hours) so I said I was happy to let him come home after he was cautioned.

I'd forgotten I said that, actually.

I didn't have a bruise that first night, either.

So now that I want him out, I can't use the police to help unless I file a new report about coercive control.

I'm not ready to do that. I don't feel confident in the facts, my memories, his actions and my reactions, etc to put that down in a report.

So I don't know what he will do. Technically he can come back. He might.

OP posts:
Ineedacupofteadesperately · 05/05/2019 14:53

Melted so sorry you're having to deal with all of this - can you contact the police and now say you are NOT happy for him to come back, that you were in a state of shock and now you realise the extent of your injuries and his violence and consider him an ongoing threat to you and your children?

Surely the word of someone who has just been violently attacked should not necessarily be taken as gospel.

And it sounds like there was non physical abuse beforehand - can you speak to someone there who deals with coercive control? They're supposed to now consider this a crime - surely they should be aware that someone who has been abused for years might not immediately put their own needs above their abusers?

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 05/05/2019 14:59

I'm so tired.

I've left a message with women's aid.

OP posts:
Ineedacupofteadesperately · 05/05/2019 15:14

Melted Mumsnet care package coming your way Brew Cake Flowers - hope you have several someones in real life who can bring you real care packages too.

ScreamingLadySutch · 05/05/2019 15:16

"The sitting silent, frozen and mute is called stonewalling. It’s an abusive technique. It’s done purposefully to devalue you and your feelings. It’s not because they are crap communicators. It’s because they are effective abusers."

This.

Mummyshark2018 · 05/05/2019 15:16

OP I'm sorry you're going through this but you sound incredibly strong. I have little knowledge of police systems but it's very unfair for them to make a victim chose how they want to proceed when the full psychological impact of the traumatic event wasn't processed. No doubt you were and still are in shock, especially if you can't even remember agreeing to him being cautioned. Can you get a restraining order against him to stop him coming to the house? . Your home should be a safe space. Hopefully women's and can advise you. Best wishes

dellacucina · 05/05/2019 15:23

Just checking that you have taken photos of the bruises? Good idea to keep any records at all that demonstrate what he did to you.

TinselAndKnickers · 05/05/2019 15:36

I can't offer anything that PP haven't said already but I just wanted to say that you are so strong, and a big well done for realising it's the end. I hope he doesn't cause a fuss today. Thanks

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 05/05/2019 16:40

I'm waiting to hear back from our go-between.

He still doesn't know I want to split.

I have taken pics and done a video of me talking about what happened and showing my injuries.

I want to fast forward a year or so.

OP posts:
resisterpersister · 05/05/2019 17:06

Melted I wish you could fast forward a year too. This is the really shit bit. But it'll get better, it really will.

Have you saved the pics and videos online somewhere (privately I mean) - just in case you lose your phone or whatever?

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 05/05/2019 17:28

He's getting a bedsit near his workplace in a different town.

He's coming tomorrow while we are out to get some stuff.

I've been doubted and gaslit today by two men who are supposed to be supportive of our family but instead cast doubt on my decisions based on my own childhood trauma or the fact that it's only been a few days.

Can't they see that it's what he did, not me? This isn't my fault. I am acting normally!! Not wanting to be around someone who has hurt me abominably is normal! Wanting to protect my children is normal!!

I know a woman who has spent years trying to escape her abusive husband. Her divorce is a few weeks away from finalisation and she asked me today if she'd done the right thing. I wanted to sob my heart out. Of course she's done the right thing! I can't spend another two decades doubting myself and getting beaten down. Why are only women believe me??

OP posts:
Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 05/05/2019 17:29

I feel like I'm breaking apart and I have to go down to my children.

OP posts:
AhhhHereItGoes · 05/05/2019 17:32

Ignore those men.

As they are men they just don't see things from your side, because they've be we been in it and are not built to fear it.

Be proud despite your past you still have good boundaries and self respect.

I'm proud of you.

Zofloramummy · 05/05/2019 17:34

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Some people don’t like the dynamic in a family changing so they minimise behaviours - it cant have been that bad he always seemed a nice bloke to me etc. Take no notice of them.
They didn’t experience what you did, you are doing so well.

MrsMozartMkII · 05/05/2019 17:57

Hang on in there lass. We're all behind you.

Starlight456 · 05/05/2019 18:02

You have been clear the longer he is away the more aware of the abuse you have been tolerating.

Don’t listen to people who are unsupportive of you in fact avoid them.

You are doing amazingly well

bluebell34567 · 05/05/2019 22:29

above and womens aid will assure you.

bluebell34567 · 05/05/2019 22:29

reassure you i meant.

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 05/05/2019 22:42

He doesn't know I want a divorce yet. He obviously realises this won't get better quickly, but I am waiting to tell him the news until after I've seen the solicitor.

I can start applying for help and things though, can't I? Now we are separated and he is living elsewhere? Will I need his new address?

OP posts:
Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 05/05/2019 22:49

I used to invite people round on purpose in order to force him to be well behaved. He wouldn't snarl at us/DC with witnesses. Only on our own.

Nobody knew the real us.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/05/2019 22:55

No you don't need his new address.

If you are split but still living under the same roof providing you do nothing for him -washing, cooking, shopping etc then you can still claim benefits as a single parent including tax credits. They don't make it easy but you can.

Thanks
ImNotNigel · 05/05/2019 23:35

No you don’t need his new address. Tell them he has left because he was violent and assaulted you and the police are involved.

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