I have to leave him, don't I?

[MeltedEggMum]

Yesterday my husband attacked me.

We have had our ups and downs like all couples, nothing out of the ordinary I thought.

Before he attacked me we were having a good day, he was off work, we had the plumber in, everything was chilled.

I left to do the school run and came home to him feeling stressed because the toddler had made a mess of talc upstairs. I joked with him a bit to try to diffuse the situation but he suddenly turned nasty.

He grabbed me by the throat and slapped me around the face three times.

I froze. I couldn't believe it was happening. He walked away from me and as we went downstairs he threatened to do it again.

Luckily I had my phone on me and I called the police straight away.

They arrested him and he was given a caution late last night - he's staying with a friend.

There's no fixing this, is there? He's ruined everything. I'm still in shock. Yesterday morning I had a normal life.

Can you block his texts? Please do not agree to therapy with this man. He is still trying to control you. Please OP stay strong. Your children deserve a mother. Read the articles by those two boys whose dad murdered their mum and sister.

I think we could go for a walk in a bit when my friend comes round.

I knew joint therapy was a bad idea but just one email with him sounding rational makes me feel confused. Thank you for reminding me. It's very different when it's your own life.

I'm sorry this has happened to you @MeltedEggMum

He's never attacked me before. How could he go from never to this? I don't understand.
Once is once too many. The next time would be even Easier for him - he's even promised it:
He walked away from me and as [he] went downstairs he threatened to do it again.

I would never be able to relax physically or emotionally around someone who could so easily go from 0-90 and threaten more of the same as he walked away, with no remorse regarding what he has just done, in front of his/your daughter who he pushed out of the way so he could keep attacking you. I would be so afraid of when it would happen next.

Good on you for calling the police and telling people in real life. Now to think of your long term future and that of your child(ren) without him.

I see you've had some recommendations of places to go for help and also the Freedom Programme. This website https://www.entitledto.co.ukk// may also help.

He basically needs a lot of therapy but I can't sort it out. MN has a saying.
You didn't cause this.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

Additionally if you haven't done so yet copy any important financial statements you can find, eg: his pension statements, bank statements, savings and current accounts statements so you have this information when you talk with your solicitor.

Change/Secure the passwords on any social media, email, bank accounts you have.

You sound sad but also strong OP. Continued strength for the days ahead. 🌹

Suggesting joint therapy is really really NOT a rational response, though, OP.

Think about it: he is suggesting the cause of his actions is something in your relationship! Talk about minimising and transferring the blame! I bet he feels great that he's "acknowledging his part in all this" but by calling it a relationship problem, he has an opening to move the focus away from him... and surprise, surprise, onto you.

The ONLY rational response he could give would be utter horror at what he did to you, prioritising keeping you safe at all costs by staying well away from you until he figured out why he did it, and then two years plus of intensive therapy designed for abusers.

Don't settle for anything less!

It's no surprise that he can make you doubt yourself so easily, by the way. Don't feel bad. It made you feel uncomfortable, what he said - that's good, keep listening to how his words makes you feel. (Not that you have to listen to him at the moment - just because he is sending things, doesn't mean you have to read them. It feels petty, but it really isn't.) And keep talking on here, or anywhere/to anyone else who you trust to see things clearly and tell you what's really going on!

You're right of course.

I asked him to do counselling with me months ago. He stonewalled me over it and it took the wind from my sails.

He's been controlling me for years. I've spent half my life appeasing him.

So so sorry

This was me last March
I tried to forgive him and it got worse

I'm free now
Finally

So so sorry
It is just awful but one day I promise you will feel a million times happier

:S who the hell hits there partner and then suggests "family Therapy" ..

Just shows he doesn't see how bad what he did really is and sounds like he blames the family for him losing control because if he did he would have put himself into therapy.. not the family, the family has done nothing wrong.

I remember my friends mum saying how hurt she was that after 14 years of a perfect marriage (seemingly) her husband turned round and beat her so bad that she had to stay in hospital for weeks with broken bones and eating through a straw.
Everyone was shocked but none more so than her as she said he had never laid a hand on her even in arguments.
She left him and apparently he tried for years to get her back even resolving to making it her fault but she never fell for it.

Make an appointment with CAB see what benefits you would be eligible for and apply for them.

Open a claim with CMS to start the ball rolling to get child support.

Claim council tax discount as you’re now the only adult occupant in the house.

You can do this, you’re strong and brave. Well done for calling the police and getting him out. I wish I had done that the first time ex hit me.

Trust me you might be feeling confused/doubting. Thinking back was it as bad as I thought. I hadn't been beaten but he screamed in my face a few times and I was terrified. I knew if I stayed he would end up hitting me later on down the line. He was a guilt tripper. Minimised everything made me feel crazy. I honestly thought I'd lost the plot. I went into a women's refuge and did a programme there. It teaches you the cycle of abuse. Freedom programme is very similar. We all sat in the room nodding at everything. Most abusive men use the same techniques! Keep strong please don't go back. I started a new life with a 6 month old. 3 years on I'm happy and free no control anymore.

I've just had a really good chat with a friend.

I realised that the past year or so I've been mentally planning how I could leave him. I've been avidly reading threads just like this, playing out scenarios in my head. I've checked how much child maintenance I would qualify for. I've made plans. Vague ones, and I wasn't fully conscious of what I was really doing, but plans nonetheless. I remember feeling nervous about him possibly seeing my browser history, though he doesn't check up on me in that way (that I know of).

I was ready for this, in some ways. I had already emotionally turned off a bit. I just didn't think things were "bad enough" to leave. General unhappiness and wishing for a different life are certainly symptoms of a bigger problem.

I didn't expect him to hit me, though.

You are ready to move on. This horrible incident has give you impetus, as daunting as that is.

There is no coming back from this. Your husband is not a good person.

You dont know how much this has helped me, dear @meltedeggmum
So many similarities. Thank you so much. It s scary to see reality. But much needed.
Especially as DC will suffer the consequences of our decisions.
Mu DM was abused by DF but decided to stay (i have a thread about dear parents but didn't want to link it here as i dont want to hijack your thread) and guess what?
I repeated the exact same pattern in my relationship with DH.
I actually remember the moment when o realised i was attracted to him was the moment he shouted at me and scared me.
That dynamic felt so familiar.
I ddidn't intend to rumble on about me, sorry
What i mean is that we have a big responsibility not to teach our DC that abuse is ok.
Otherwise they will make the wrong choices later
Sending hugs and thanks so much for helping me realise how DV can escalate horribly
Lots of love💐

I'm wishing you all the best, cycling.

We can do this.

I need to tell him to love out today. I'm very nervous.

Move out.

Good luck OP. You can do this. The first part will b difficult, but a happier future awaits you. 💐

You're being amazing, have you got rl support whilst you message him? Xx

It will hurt like hell OP. It will. You are nice so it's natural that you have finer feelings for this man but he has stepped over a line and that can never change. There hasn't even been any real meaningful repercussions for him currently. Move your thoughts to the future far removed from today. A future where you are far less likely to become a statistic.

As far as I know, my father was 'only' physically violent to my mother once. She stayed with him and had years of dealing with a controlling bully. She could do nothing right, he was suspicious of her friendships and he destroyed her self-confidence. People who had known her before she married him were very aware of this change.

It was bloody miserable growing up in that household. OP, you are doing the right thing, for yourself and your children, in leaving this man.

I'm going to have a mutual friend contact him. I am not going to speak to him. I can't.

I've changed passwords, deleted my information from our family computer (his, really), moved important papers, taken my laptop and work stuff with me today.

I think he might come to the house while we are out. I don't know what he will do when/if he does. My mind is whirring with horrible scenarios. I don't know him anymore, except that he is capable of anything.

Go home later with someone else in case he is still there. You can ring the police and inform them that you are asking him to leave and are concerned about his reaction.

You are going to be ok. You will get through this and you are showing how strong you really are. Will be thinking of you today

You can ring the police and inform them that you are asking him to leave and are concerned about his reaction

What number should I ring? Dining need the crime ref number?

Do I not dining