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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have to leave him, don't I?

688 replies

MeltedEggMum · 03/05/2019 07:08

Yesterday my husband attacked me.

We have had our ups and downs like all couples, nothing out of the ordinary I thought.

Before he attacked me we were having a good day, he was off work, we had the plumber in, everything was chilled.

I left to do the school run and came home to him feeling stressed because the toddler had made a mess of talc upstairs. I joked with him a bit to try to diffuse the situation but he suddenly turned nasty.

He grabbed me by the throat and slapped me around the face three times.

I froze. I couldn't believe it was happening. He walked away from me and as we went downstairs he threatened to do it again.

Luckily I had my phone on me and I called the police straight away.

They arrested him and he was given a caution late last night - he's staying with a friend.

There's no fixing this, is there? He's ruined everything. I'm still in shock. Yesterday morning I had a normal life.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/05/2019 14:53

Look into extenuating circumstances for DDs exam marking!

He is so vile of course it's deliberate Angry

ThanksThanksThanksThanks

Mummytoonlychild · 28/05/2019 14:55

I hope to god they see how manipulate he is! your poor daughter I hope she does well I'm her exams.

Sarcelle · 28/05/2019 15:10

Your daughter sounds switched on. When she is ready for a relationship she won't stand for any nonsense, she gets it already, what is and isn't acceptable. It's a shame she had to learn the lesson from the behaviour of her father who is reaping some just desserts. He sounds a bit broken but he has brought it on himself.

StoneColdOld · 28/05/2019 15:45

Your ex is a grown adult; an adult with a disease that, with diligence and management, can be controlled to the extent of leading a normal life.
The fact that he chose not to manage it and keep an eye on it, is down to him and no-one else. He has chosen to allow the hypo/hyper to happen.
I wish you and your family a bright and happy future. You deserve it.

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 28/05/2019 15:52

The fact that he chose not to manage it and keep an eye on it, is down to him and no-one else. He has chosen to allow the hypo/hyper to happen.

Absolutely agreed.

In fact, I suspect he has used his condition as a means to control me over the years. So now it passes on to the DC.

OP posts:
AppleKatie · 28/05/2019 15:56

What a twat. He can’t bear the loss of control over you and the children to the extent that he’s put himself in ITU?

I’d say he clearly isn’t stable enough for contact tbh and ask your soliciter about that.

I mean either he’s choosing to manipulate the children or he has unmanageable diabetes.

Neither make him suitable for unsupervised contact now to they.

BumbleBeee69 · 28/05/2019 16:02

what a scum bag using his Diabetes to extort emotional distress.. what a DICK Flowers

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 28/05/2019 16:06

*either he’s choosing to manipulate the children or he has unmanageable diabetes.

Neither make him suitable for unsupervised contact now to they.*

Oh this will definitely be discussed with the right people.

OP posts:
ilikemethewayiam · 28/05/2019 16:46

A normal father in this position would ask everyone NOT to tell his daughter so as not to disrupt her exams! Cold calculating manipulator! Good on your daughter for being so clued up on this and not allowing him to manipulate her! She’s one smart girl!

ImNotNigel · 28/05/2019 18:22

I agree with everyone above. This is Narc 101 behaviour.

I know someone who was always being rushed into hospital with “ chest pains “ or “ suspected cancer “. It must be the worlds slowest growing cancer as she’s been doing for 40 years.

I bet you a Mars bar that he’s not in ICU at all. I bet he’s on a normal medical ward and will be discharged soon.

Clearly not well enough physically to have sole care of a child.

justilou1 · 30/05/2019 00:04

Congratulations for raising such a cluey daughter, OP! Hopefully she will break the pattern of abuse and go on to form healthy relationships! What a textbook manipulator he turned out to be!!!

ThatCurlyGirl · 30/05/2019 09:41

What a brilliant gift you've given your daughter by showing her the freedom programme book! She sounds so switched on and it'll benefit her for the rest of your life - you sound like a fabulous mum and I'm sorry you're going through such a shit time. Well done for pushing on, you're doing great Thanks

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 30/05/2019 12:15

Thank you all.

I wonder if this part - before regular visitations are court mandated - is easier than that. I hope he takes a job closer to his family and fades out of their life entirely, but I fear that's a bit of a pipe dream. I think things will get worse as he tries to exert control over me through the DC. :(

OP posts:
ImNotNigel · 30/05/2019 12:27

So I’m guessing hes not still at death’s door ? Hmm

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 30/05/2019 12:39

Of course not. We'll see how long it lasts...

OP posts:
ImNotNigel · 30/05/2019 18:20

Well now, there’s a surprise.

My guess is that now he will say he’s mentally ill and therefore not responsible for assaulting you. Or maybe it was side effect of a hypo / hyper. Maybe he will try to get a medical report to claim mitigating factors in court.

If that doesn't work, he will tell people that in fact you are the abuser and he is the victim and thats the first time he fought back after years of abuse. Bizarrely they like to get sympathy for being a victim while at the same time having the power of a perpetrator.

We should play narc bingo.

I’m not making lights of your situation BTW, i find it helps not to get drawn into their dramas when you know its a script. Like a soap opera where they are the lead actor. That’s why they go into meltdown when you dont do as they want - its like their whole world dissolves when you wont say and do as you are told.

They only have two emotions - happy when your are obedient and incandescent with rage when you are not. That’s why its so terrifying to leave them , because you know how vengeful they can be.

You are a very brave woman.

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 30/05/2019 22:07

You've worried me a bit, ImNot!

But there is no going back, only forward, so at least expecting the worst prepares me a bit.

I don't feel brave though. I wish I could run away and hide.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 31/05/2019 09:04

💐

ImNotNigel · 31/05/2019 22:55

The thing with these men is that they believe they are very smart but they only think one step ahead.

Their simple brain goes “ maybe I can say I have a medical condition that means I try to strangle people but I’m not in control of my actions therefore not legally responsible “.

Without considering that makes them not safe to have sole charge of a child. Or hold down many jobs.

And I’m not sure what a judge would think of a ruling that said that anyone with IDDM was not responsible for their own actions.

I dunno. I suspect he’s thinking up his next stunt, since dying in ICU hasn’t worked out for him.

I’m not sure if brave is a feeling BTW. Brave is doing the right thing even when you are scared.

nakedscientist · 31/05/2019 23:08

Brave is doing the right thing even when you are scared.
*
Yes, it is and that describes you, OP, to a tee.*

justilou1 · 01/06/2019 13:21

Brave is leaping into the unknown because you know it’s the better thing to do for your kids.

MitziK · 01/06/2019 14:27

He accepted a caution for a violent offence towards you. He can't now claim it was due to depression, diabetes or anything else. He accepted it, end of story - he is on record as having committed that offence and admitted it, end of story; he did it.

Although it will be hard, is there any way you could manage to start up a written record of things that he has done, both in the past and now, that lists each aspect of coercive control/financial abuse/etc? It could be cathartic and help you be absolutely clear about what has happened - and useful to be able to both instantly have a response to any bollocks his solicitor comes up with and to be able to respond to any statement made by people he's got/manipulated to be on his side;

For example, from my past, had he dragged his mother into court to say how wonderful he is 'Thank you. How about when he forced Ms Mitzi to tell you about her previous relationship....?' 'And the time he punched and threatened to strangle your dog because it growled at him? 'Thank you so much, would you now be able to tell me about the time when you were on holiday, overheard Ms Mitzi sobbing and was then obviously injured in the morning?

Having these things written down means that you don't have to suddenly collect your thoughts - or get blindsided by a ridiculous statement in court that brings something else flooding back.

It could also be useful for your DD to do similar once her exams are over (or now if she's really struggling). Not to help you, but to get things that have bothered, hurt, manipulated or in any other way caused her pain or indignation at your treatment out of her immediate thoughts.

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 02/06/2019 08:59

I've been making notes in my copy of the freedom programme book. I need to carry on doing that, because it really brings up a lot of memories.

However it is hard to parse the difference between coercive control and just me being petty. Like, is the house in a general state of shabby disrepair because he made me feel like I wasn't worthy to live in nice surroundings or because he was just generally lazy and wouldn't help out, or because I was lazy too? But now he's gone I seem to have a lot more energy and desire to get things done. It's difficult to say.

OP posts:
justilou1 · 02/06/2019 09:45

Maybe you were just too worn down to few like you deserved better, or that there was any point asking?

AppleKatie · 02/06/2019 09:47

Be as petty as you like in your own notes! Get it all out.

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