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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have to leave him, don't I?

688 replies

MeltedEggMum · 03/05/2019 07:08

Yesterday my husband attacked me.

We have had our ups and downs like all couples, nothing out of the ordinary I thought.

Before he attacked me we were having a good day, he was off work, we had the plumber in, everything was chilled.

I left to do the school run and came home to him feeling stressed because the toddler had made a mess of talc upstairs. I joked with him a bit to try to diffuse the situation but he suddenly turned nasty.

He grabbed me by the throat and slapped me around the face three times.

I froze. I couldn't believe it was happening. He walked away from me and as we went downstairs he threatened to do it again.

Luckily I had my phone on me and I called the police straight away.

They arrested him and he was given a caution late last night - he's staying with a friend.

There's no fixing this, is there? He's ruined everything. I'm still in shock. Yesterday morning I had a normal life.

OP posts:
AppleCiderVinegar · 02/06/2019 12:02

Very late to this but I've RTFT.

Nothing to add except that you're a marvel and an inspiration OP.

This thread should be used as a teaching tool to educate people about domestic abuse.

MitziK · 02/06/2019 14:18

That's the advantage of having it written down in a separate little book - you get it out of your head and you can then look at it and decide later.

Some things will likely be 'normal' or 100% you being unreasonable - none of us are perfect. But the overall trend will be clear in showing his behaviour - it means you won't be caught out by that one time where you were actually unreasonable or it appeared so on the surface.

Because you've already thought about it and are aware that your refusal to do x was because he'd done y that made it impossible, etc - like 'you refused to take DC to this and I had to do it because you didn't want DC to have any contact/weren't prioritising his right to see his family' - 'What actually happened was that DD had been invited to a party that day and we were just about to leave when X announced that we were going to see family, denied ever knowing about it and that he was taking the car whether we came or not/was very angry, said GM hadn't got long to live and it would be humiliating to be there without us when she asked for DD, making it impossible for DD to attend the party she had been looking forwards to and further isolating DD from her friends and social support.'

Stuff like that.

Antigon · 04/06/2019 09:03

Reading with interest, I wish you all the best OP Flowers

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 04/06/2019 09:22

Thank you.

Nothing new to report, which is a relief, but I can't help feeling like there's another shoe waiting to drop.

It's been a month, and I'm feeling quite overwhelmed lately. So many changes in such a short time I guess.

OP posts:
AppleKatie · 04/06/2019 18:22

It will take to time to get over this OP. Be kind to yourself a huge amount has happened in a month.

justilou1 · 05/06/2019 07:48

Comes a time when it’s been so long between periods of abuse that you almost wish for the next contact so that you’re not anxiously lying in wait. That’s conditioning for ya!

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 05/06/2019 07:50

I spoke too soon.

Last night he showed up at the youth club where DD attends. He went there to ostensibly meet with a mutual friend to collect some of his things (we are using the building as a neutral pick up point for me to offload his stuff) but he knows DD goes there on a Tuesday night.

My other friend was driving her home and DD saw his car pull into the carpark. She had a panic attack and was upset for hours after.

She has an exam this morning and is exhausted. AngryAngryAngry

I am changing our habits as much as possible now. I can't change school obviously, but evenings and weekends we will have to do different things. Start new hobbies or something.

OP posts:
Mummytoonlychild · 05/06/2019 08:03

Is there anyway you can get a restraining order out against him or something like that for your and daughters mental health

AppleKatie · 05/06/2019 08:16

What a twat. Poor DD. Hope she’s feeling more positive this morning.

What was he hoping for her to run into his arms having missed him? Well that hasn’t happened has it?

Fortunately she is so close to being an adult she can choose to ignore him forever that should be some comfort to her at least.

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 05/06/2019 08:23

It was a power play imo. He can't control our lives in and around the home, so he is intimidating us/me in other areas. He timed it perfectly, because anyone who accuses him of this he could claim he thought they would have left already. It was right at the end of the session when he turned up.

OP posts:
SheepOnRafts · 05/06/2019 10:35

He’s an absolute bastard. His behaviour only confirmed this to your DD. You see through all his manipulative behaviour.
Yes I think changing routines is a good idea.

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 05/06/2019 12:57

To retraumatise her like this, knowing she saw him assault me, knowing she's in the middle of exams, knowing SS are involved, knowing she doesn't want to see him....

What kind of person does this to their own child??

I wish I'd never met him. (And still somehow had my DC but with a non-abuser; where's a genie when you need one, eh??!)

OP posts:
4legsandawaggytail · 05/06/2019 14:20

He will do it again. Things will NEVER be the same. He has shown you who he really is. Better you find out now than waste more of your life. Totally agree with whatsnewchoochoo .

Domestic Violence - did you witness any towards your mother?
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amii_being_unreasonable/3363626-Domestic-Violence-did-you-witness-any-towards-your-mother

If you can read this post. Witnessing ongoing domestic violence ruins children's lives. Leave. I want you to leave for you, but that's always harder than doing it for someone else. So leave for your children.

justilou1 · 05/06/2019 14:23

Poor baby!!! I feel so badly for her!!! I assume you have explained all to the school. (Can she get some kind of special consideration for this?)

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 05/06/2019 14:33

Thanks @4legsandawaggytail, I agree. I kicked him out and he hasn't set foot in the house for a month now. He's still managed to cause no end of heartache and upset since. Angry

@justilou1 the school has been very supportive and the pastoral care person has spoken to the exam boards. There's not much more we can do apart from push ahead. She's done with school next Friday. I'm expecting her to crash a bit after that. She's been holding it together for a long time.

OP posts:
Happynow001 · 05/06/2019 15:06

Hi OP. Could you arrange a weekend away with her, just mother-daughter time? Yes supporting each other but also having a glimmer of fun and happiness just the two of you? If not this weekend then soon ? Need not be anything grand or expensive- just a gentle time together?

justilou1 · 05/06/2019 15:12

That kid has been so strong. At least there were independent witnesses this time as well. (Will come in handy when you go to court!) He’s such a coward!!! Picking on his own daughter!!!

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 05/06/2019 21:50

It's a good idea, Happynow001. I'll have to think about how to do that.

I just want to brag about DD for a moment - she is taking art GCSE and we went to the school exhibition tonight. Her work is astounding, and a teacher from a different department bought a print of her final piece. The head of the languages department even commissioned her to draw a picture of a famous Spanish speaking artist! Couldn't be prouder if I tried. Smile

OP posts:
AppleKatie · 05/06/2019 22:14

Well done your DD.

And art will be a great comfort to her as she heals from all this I’m sure. A creative outlet is great- and I bet you need some new pieces of art for the white walls too 😃

Happynow001 · 05/06/2019 22:15

That's your girl! I bet you could BURST with pride and love!!! 👏🏻 👏🏻

ImNotNigel · 06/06/2019 08:58

What kind of person does this to their own child??

The kind of person who says to himself that they can’t tell me what do - I have every right to be there when I want. Who is angry at DD for “taking your side “ and being disloyal and disobedient to him and forgetting who has paid the bills all these years and over reacting to this one tiny thing. Who wants to remind her that he’s still in charge ( in his head of course ).

He doesn’t care about her or her exams, it’s all about him.

He will always be pulling a new stunt. I’ve love to tell you that he’s working hard on himself and getting therapy and going to a support group to help him with his abusive behaviour.

But I bet he’s on Reddit reading about men’s rights and telling everyone he knows how hard done to he is.

I hope your DD has received good careeers advice, it sounds like she has a real talent . As well as being smart and insightful.

Ineedacupofteadesperately · 06/06/2019 14:01

But I bet he’s on Reddit reading about men’s rights and telling everyone he knows how hard done to he is

Yup, this is a general comment but what is it with men who are abusers that they're convinced they're the victims and that they don't have 'rights' when actually men have so many more 'rights' than women it's laughable.

As far as blindsiding your DD - how hard would it have been for him to wait for an hour to make sure she wasn't there? Not hard, not hard at all. What a complete tosser. He clearly doesn't give a shit about her exams.

Everything he's suffering he's done to himself. He's very lucky he's not in prison.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 06/06/2019 15:56

What wonderful news about your DD. And the house must be looking so clean and fresh. So everything is getting better, bit by bit. Flowers

justilou1 · 07/06/2019 07:01

Wow! SO so proud of your wonderful, intelligent and obviously very talented kid. I hope she rides that talent all the way to the bank! (And brag away, proud mummy!!!)

justilou1 · 09/06/2019 05:58

Saw this and thought of you...

apple.news/AzGJ58VgcQSa3ixu-NFo0fg