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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have to leave him, don't I?

688 replies

MeltedEggMum · 03/05/2019 07:08

Yesterday my husband attacked me.

We have had our ups and downs like all couples, nothing out of the ordinary I thought.

Before he attacked me we were having a good day, he was off work, we had the plumber in, everything was chilled.

I left to do the school run and came home to him feeling stressed because the toddler had made a mess of talc upstairs. I joked with him a bit to try to diffuse the situation but he suddenly turned nasty.

He grabbed me by the throat and slapped me around the face three times.

I froze. I couldn't believe it was happening. He walked away from me and as we went downstairs he threatened to do it again.

Luckily I had my phone on me and I called the police straight away.

They arrested him and he was given a caution late last night - he's staying with a friend.

There's no fixing this, is there? He's ruined everything. I'm still in shock. Yesterday morning I had a normal life.

OP posts:
justilou1 · 20/05/2019 05:30

They’re his flying monkeys. That’s a term you need to become familiar with as well as personality disorders, Babe. They will do his bidding to seek his approval regardless of the cost. Keep a diary and call the police every time. EVERY TIME!!!

Mummytoonlychild · 20/05/2019 07:10

I've just found this thread and I have to say how proud I am of you and how you are able to break the cycle I feel so upset that you have to go through this and how unhelpful your family are being. How are your children doing? I am wishing you the best and hope no more harm physically or mentally. And I wish this will be over quickly

hankyspanky · 20/05/2019 07:19

OP you've got this, hope this inspires you to carry on being the strong woman that you clearly are xx

thebabysmellsofpooagain · 20/05/2019 08:00

KOKO OP! You are doing a fantastic job of keeping yourself and DC's safe Thanks

Propertywoes · 20/05/2019 08:25

You're doing amazingly well op. There is light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep going. It is sick the amount of people that side with the abuser but you know you're in the right. even after so many years of him probably gaslighting and convincing you that you don't know your own mind, you do. You know exactly what's going on and you're so strong. I'm in awe of you.

SheepOnRafts · 20/05/2019 12:28

SIL had her chance and now she’s out. They’re all out of your circle. No contact him with any of his people.

ThatCurlyGirl · 20/05/2019 13:13

Neutrality is enablement.

They are dicks OP I'm so sorry.

This way they've shown their true colours and you can have a clean break for your new life.

ThanksThanksThanks

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 20/05/2019 13:18

I keep replaying yesterday in my mind. What on earth did they think the outcome would be? Did those two men honestly think I would welcome them into the house, no questions asked? Did they think they would succeed in cowing me into submission?

I told my dd's school today and the teacher actually gasped. It's such a blatant display of entitlement, arrogance, intimidation.

His side of the family loves this kind of drama. They are definitely going to be feeding off this story for ages, egging him on. This is not the last of my troubles, not by a long shot. Sad

OP posts:
Sarcelle · 20/05/2019 13:34

What did he (they) actually say? Was he threatening or apologetic?

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 20/05/2019 13:48

Bil had a concerned look on his face and said my name
I didn't give him a chance to say anything else. What on earth could he have said to make this better? I asked for zero contact and in response he sends his brother to the door - someone I am not close to, haven't seen in several years, and who lives hundreds of miles away. This was an attempt to manipulate me. I won't have it.

OP posts:
ilikemethewayiam · 20/05/2019 15:14

Good on you OP. They show their true colours once it’s over and they know you aren’t going to fall for any BS. This was the thing that shocked me most when it happened to me. That he could go from sharing my bed to bitter hatred of me overnight left me so shaken and in shock. The person I shared my inner most thoughts and vulnerabilities with now saw me as an enemy to be defeated! It’s been 12 years and I still get triggered just thinking about that. Of course the key here is that they are not what you thought them to be. You realise they never really loved you. You look back and can see it with hindsight! Stay strong OP, you are doing great! Flowers

RandomMess · 20/05/2019 15:25

I'm sure BIL and SIL have been fed a complete pack of lies tbh!!! Probably that you are making things up and acting delusional and he's worried for the DC can they talk reason to you...

Block and ignore!

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 20/05/2019 15:31

He's now sent DD a text. She's neck deep in her GCSEs and he's pulling her into this. I'm disgusted.

OP posts:
DoctorDread · 20/05/2019 15:41

That's a low move OP but it goes to show that he doesn't have the DC's best interests at heart. Only his own. Selfish bastard.

ilikemethewayiam · 20/05/2019 15:55

Keep copies of those texts for social services/courts etc.

Ineedacupofteadesperately · 20/05/2019 16:03

God Melted talk about showing his true colours what an unbelievably despicable move.

SIL and BIL are horrible people too. They obviously haven't thought of the best interests of the kids. Even if he's told them a pack of lies that they believe, turning up unannounced and mob handed is obviously not the best move, especially since you've clearly stated a preference for contact to go via social services.

How is your DD? Hope she's ok.

RandomMess · 20/05/2019 16:09

How is DD feeling about that does she feel able to block him whilst she gets through her exams?

Jenasaurus · 20/05/2019 16:17

My EX, who I was with for 28 years became like this at the end of our relationship, in a similar situation to the OP, my DD (aged 17) stood in between me and him, and ended up being attacked by her father. (she now has a restraining order against him) I would do anything to go back in time and end things with him before she got hurt, you are 100% doing the right thing! But like you I was blinded to the hidden aggression lurking under the surface. Take care, and stay strong, things will improve.

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 20/05/2019 16:35

He apologised for "causing this mess".

We've been reading and discussing the freedom programme book, and this is lifted directly from its pages.

She was upset and deleted it, before I had a chance to speak to her.

So utterly selfish of him, minimising his behaviour to the max.

OP posts:
SheepOnRafts · 20/05/2019 17:03

Reading and talking about the Freedom Programme together with your daughter will be a one of the greatest gifts you’ll ever give her. I plan to do this with my DC as they get older.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 21/05/2019 15:51

Just checking in to say thank heaven you called the police on DH and your BIL, MeltedEggMum. They drove three hours and your DH was hiding in the car. Presumably they expected you to invite your BIL in and DH would have slipped in behind him. Very sinister.

Clear where they and SIL stand. No middle ground. But your own family - that's disappointing. Sad

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 21/05/2019 15:52

Forgot to say how well you're doing. Doing the Freedom Programme with DD is a real gift to both of you. Flowers

PeakedTooEarly · 22/05/2019 06:42

It's at times like this you find out who really has your back.
Your step father is disgusting. The man physically assaulted you in front of your daughter and yet...... The man's a complete twat!

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 22/05/2019 07:41

I haven't addressed this with my mother yet. I haven't told her about what happened over the weekend and I don't plan to.

To be quite honest, I'm not entirely certain she's in a safe relationship herself and I think this whole situation might end up being a flashpoint for them. I don't know how to handle it, so I'm just going to keep information to myself and carefully walk back our closeness.

OP posts:
ilikemethewayiam · 22/05/2019 08:42

I’m sorry for you OP, this is a time you should be able to turn to your mum for support. Unfortunately your step dad has chosen his side and she will stand with him. I hope you have other safe people to support you Flowers