I have to leave him, don't I?

[MeltedEggMum]

Yesterday my husband attacked me.

We have had our ups and downs like all couples, nothing out of the ordinary I thought.

Before he attacked me we were having a good day, he was off work, we had the plumber in, everything was chilled.

I left to do the school run and came home to him feeling stressed because the toddler had made a mess of talc upstairs. I joked with him a bit to try to diffuse the situation but he suddenly turned nasty.

He grabbed me by the throat and slapped me around the face three times.

I froze. I couldn't believe it was happening. He walked away from me and as we went downstairs he threatened to do it again.

Luckily I had my phone on me and I called the police straight away.

They arrested him and he was given a caution late last night - he's staying with a friend.

There's no fixing this, is there? He's ruined everything. I'm still in shock. Yesterday morning I had a normal life.

Glad he’s gone and that the police backed you up.

An aside from this case but Emmeline it does happen like this. I've seen it in a family member.

Well this is the thing. We think soaps are ott but they are actually based on real life, especially with domestic abuse storylines as they get expert advice. These guys really are a piece of work.
You’re full of adrenaline now. Take a deep breath and put the kettle on. Koko

Above comment relates to dementia presenting as DV.

keep calling the police. They will soon get pissed off and make him leave. I had to keep doing this. Keep doors locked and don’t respond to any conversation through the doors or windows. Draw curtains. Don’t answer the phone to anyone ‘acting’ for him or unknown numbers. Contact solicitors and women’s aid ASAP. You will probably need to get restraining order now. The escalation has begun. Now you have to stand firm and get all the authorities onboard. Stay strong, stand firm. You will get through it

You've done so so well @MeltedEggMum - remember what they said

They told him I will ring the police every time he turns up uninvited.

You must follow through on this now - they're on your side and their job is to protect you. He will assume you'll be intimidated into responding in another way - anger / crying / screaming - keep composure and let the police do all direct dealing with him.

I think they can give you a reference number so all related incidents are logged under the same case?

You're doing so well xxx

@ilikemethewayiam has it all spot on - everything through authorities from now on.

Do not respond personally to any contact, any escalation. I've been screamed at from outside through windows and curtains and had to stay inside, turn telly up so I couldn't hear and call the police again and again.

Get in worst case scenario habit they told me - before bed / popping out just a quick check all the windows are shut etc. Making it routine makes it feel less like you're making a fuss (I was constantly worried they'd think this even when he was clearly being a nutter and hurt me).

They were as sick of him as I was by the time the storm passed and a proper restraining order was in place. I know I was lucky with the bobbies I had here so fingers crossed you have nice ones too xx

Oh op what a mess. Stay strong x

OP
You wrote a brilliant email, I am so impressed.

I believe you and in you too and so do all the ladies on here.

Things will improve, it's just changing from a caterpillar into a butterfly is tough.

Contact these people. www.ncdv.org.uk They will help you get a non-molestation order in place so he can't come near you. It's a charity so won't cost and may well help with your legal aid application.

Just in case you are not aware of this organisation ,they offer free legal advice and specialise in DV.

rightsofwomen.org.uk/

Thank you I will contact them.

He is trying to see you face to face. So he can talk about how upset HE is, talk about how HE feels, try to make you feel guilty about how HIS life has gone down the pan.
He will try to minimise and beg and plead.
He believes you owe him another chance because he can’t honestly believe you have the backbone to reject him.

He hasn’t asked in his communication with your family how YOU are, how the DC are. It’s all me, me, me.

Ask the police about a restraining order (if you haven’t already)

You are doing really well, keep going, keep safe. There is no going back now and it’s going to be shit for a while but it will be worth it.

Oh I know, Zoflora. His selfishness is obvious. If he cared about the DC he would never have arrived unannounced. This was completely orchestrated to intimidate me into doing what he wanted.

@helpmum2003
For once I'm going to write this in full, in capital letters
READ THE FUCKING THREAD.
Before you make a fatuous comment about dementia.

MeltedEggMum
You are so bloody courageous, well done, I'm just sending you best wishes

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.

Just on your family first you mentioned he was charming to outsiders and this has probably been very effective. My family whilst supportive thought our issues could be resolved. There is little awareness of abusive relationships and the assumption is fault is both sides, communication failures, etc.
It took a long time and Exs outrageous behaviour through the divorce for them to be "get it". Have firm boundaries as you have done and hopefully they will see it. Painful though as you want your family support.

I am over 2 years down the line and definitely over Ex however it has taken longer to get over the effects of an abusive relationship..emotionally, physically and financially. I have a good life now but his emails (just about dc) still give me the shivers and I never speak to him or see him.
I need no contact to heal. He tries to manipulate me still but I have learned to block him to give myself respite.
You have done the right thing, never doubt that. Good luck

@absolutepowercorrupts I have RTFT! Was just replying to a comment made by another poster.

I'm so sorry that your mum and stepfather are taking his side- because "neutrality" is bullshit and what they are really doing is supporting your abuser.

There is no such thing as neutral in this situation. By giving him ears, they have marked their line in the sand. I’m sorry, OP. They’re arsebadgers.

I've had such a crap weekend. I'm exhausted but so tense. Can't sleep.

The more I think about it, the angrier I am with my sil's fake concerned text. The next day her husband shows up on my doorstep out of the blue? They planned all this. These people are sick.