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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have to leave him, don't I?

688 replies

MeltedEggMum · 03/05/2019 07:08

Yesterday my husband attacked me.

We have had our ups and downs like all couples, nothing out of the ordinary I thought.

Before he attacked me we were having a good day, he was off work, we had the plumber in, everything was chilled.

I left to do the school run and came home to him feeling stressed because the toddler had made a mess of talc upstairs. I joked with him a bit to try to diffuse the situation but he suddenly turned nasty.

He grabbed me by the throat and slapped me around the face three times.

I froze. I couldn't believe it was happening. He walked away from me and as we went downstairs he threatened to do it again.

Luckily I had my phone on me and I called the police straight away.

They arrested him and he was given a caution late last night - he's staying with a friend.

There's no fixing this, is there? He's ruined everything. I'm still in shock. Yesterday morning I had a normal life.

OP posts:
Ineedacupofteadesperately · 19/05/2019 12:51

Also, no mention of how you or the kids are? It's all about him isn't it? HE hasn't seen the kids. Not, how are they feeling, are they ok, and do they even want to see me after witnessing my violent attack on their mother? No, HIS right to see them, their wellbeing be damned.

Document all of this, he is really showing his true colours and I think it would be useful to show this to your solicitor.

category12 · 19/05/2019 13:07

I note it's your stepdad who replied. Is he definitely speaking for your mother?

"You don't have to agree with my decisions, but I would expect you to put me first and support me anyway, as family. It's a shame that you would choose so-called "neutrality" over being someone I can come to and trust to have my back."

Swimminguphill · 19/05/2019 13:16

I actually find your parent/step-parents' response really triggering. This is exactly what happened to my sister when her abusive arse of an ex left her and basically burned her self-esteem down in flames after years of emotional and financial abuse. My mum was all 'I love them both, I can't take sides'. It enrages me, and completely explains how victims of domestic abuse, sexual crimes etc. find it so hard to come out and say what happened.

People often protect the abuser. I have no idea why.

I love my mum a bit less these days. And I made sure to tell my sister that just because she wasn't perfect all the time, everyday, didn't mean that his behaviour was comparable to hers or that she deserved it. We are all imperfect. Not all our partners try to strangle us.

Take care Flowers

ImNotNigel · 19/05/2019 13:36

Your email to your parents was excellent OP and I’m sorry they are so blinkered that they can’t see what’s happening.

Some people have spent their lives believing that men are always right, the important ones whose word must be believed, whose perception is accurate. That women are irrational and hysterical and overreact . And that a man saying “ sorry” makes everything ok.

Others are so arrogant to think that by remaining “ neutral” they can somehow effect a reconciliation and escape the terrible ( imagined ) social shame of have a Divorced Daughter.

Or they think that they know what An Abuser looks like and if he doesn’t fit that, you must be lying / exaggerating / have provoked him.

Angry on your behalf.

ThatCurlyGirl · 19/05/2019 13:47

I could cry you OP Fucking hell imagine speaking to you like that!!

If only wankers understood inaction is an action in itself, neutrality is enablement.

I'm so sorry OP you have to cross them off your list of people you can put too much faith in at the moment, they simply don't get it.

I'm gutted for you xx

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 19/05/2019 13:58

Thank you all for your support.

I am grey rocking them. I won't get drawn into discussing it further.

Haven't heard from my mother at all, despite the fact that I emailed her directly, not her husband (who replied).

She's in an abusive relationship as well, I think.

OP posts:
VampireSlayer19 · 19/05/2019 14:08

Step away from anyone showing any sign of sympathy for him.

Have they even asked after your daughter and how she is feeling?

Stay strong OP

whatthehe11 · 19/05/2019 14:11

Tbh, I'd do want others have recommended and go low contact with your parents. The last thing you need is to be expending energy on them too.

AsleepAllDay · 19/05/2019 14:17

I would send them photos of your bruises attached, no words

I'm sorry that they are not supporting you. Their understanding of this is completely flawed and awful. I hope you have other people around you can lean on

category12 · 19/05/2019 14:40

Oh, if your mum's in an abusive relationship with your step-dad, it's fairly inevitable that he'd see it as a minor blip and your ex as the person who needs support, as that's who he's identifying with.

ilikemethewayiam · 19/05/2019 16:20

I’m so sorry for all that you are going through OP. I have been in this position myself but I won’t go into it as it would be high jacking your thread. I would send one email back to your SD explaining that there is NO neutral position here and they have now chosen their side. Tell him NOT to Contact you again. Tell you solicitor to send them a letter. My friend had to do this. It’s called something like a cease and desist letter. It orders them to desist contacting you On your Ex’s behalf. Your DH will also be seen as using them as a proxy to contact you. If they fail to stop ‘acting’ on his behalf they can be pursued for harassment. All agencies involved will take their actions very seriously.

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 19/05/2019 16:30

My bil has just turned up at my front door.

He lives 3 hours away.

I told him I wasn't going to speak to him and bolted the door.

Do I ring the police? He's left as far as I can tell.

I feel besieged.

OP posts:
SheepOnRafts · 19/05/2019 16:32

Well done. Yes keep all doors locked and don’t speak to him. If he comes back ring the police. You don’t need this shit. You owe him nothing.

notapizzaeater · 19/05/2019 16:36

Has he gone ? Presume ex has sent him

ThatCurlyGirl · 19/05/2019 16:39

Police. You feel scared in your own home as an uninvited visitor related to your ex partner. Police - now. Don't let this escalate, they will help you x

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 19/05/2019 16:42

The police are coming.

He is here, with bil, sitting in ex's car.

I can't believe this. I can't believe this.

OP posts:
resisterpersister · 19/05/2019 16:48

Melted I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Well done for calling the police. Did they give you any idea how long they'd be?

Ineedacupofteadesperately · 19/05/2019 16:56

Oh God Melted. Well done for calling the police, I hope they come soon. Do you have a solicitor you can contact too?

Ineedacupofteadesperately · 19/05/2019 16:57

What nasty, intimidating behaviour. Someone who was sorry and contrite would go through social workers / solicitor as requested. Only someone trying to intimidate and bully does this.

ThatCurlyGirl · 19/05/2019 17:03

My love stay calm I know this is all so surreal and it's tempting to minimise and say not to worry to police etc so you're doing BRILLIANTLY - you're doing all the right things.

And remember, the more he does stupid shit like this the worse a picture he's painting of himself.

He's an embarrassment and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this

ThanksThanks

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 19/05/2019 17:10

The police have taken our details, and are asking him to leave although he hasn't broken any laws.

He is still outside.

OP posts:
Soverytiredofeverythinggoingon · 19/05/2019 17:14

Stay calm and be strong! You can do this, try not to let him intimidate you. It's what he wants

SheepOnRafts · 19/05/2019 17:16

So the police have asked him to leave but he’s refused?

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 19/05/2019 17:20

He's pulled away now.

They told him I will ring the police every time he turns up uninvited.

OP posts:
Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 19/05/2019 17:21

I can't believe what my life has become. I feel like this is the script for a soap.

OP posts: