I have to leave him, don't I?

[MeltedEggMum]

Yesterday my husband attacked me.

We have had our ups and downs like all couples, nothing out of the ordinary I thought.

Before he attacked me we were having a good day, he was off work, we had the plumber in, everything was chilled.

I left to do the school run and came home to him feeling stressed because the toddler had made a mess of talc upstairs. I joked with him a bit to try to diffuse the situation but he suddenly turned nasty.

He grabbed me by the throat and slapped me around the face three times.

I froze. I couldn't believe it was happening. He walked away from me and as we went downstairs he threatened to do it again.

Luckily I had my phone on me and I called the police straight away.

They arrested him and he was given a caution late last night - he's staying with a friend.

There's no fixing this, is there? He's ruined everything. I'm still in shock. Yesterday morning I had a normal life.

"I can't discuss it any further as it is considered harassment. Thank you for checking in on me."

Then ignore.

He's starting to get an inkling that he's losing control, I think. That this isn't going to end with a few weeks on the couch and his feet back under the table.

I'm worried.

Don't ever let him back.

Great ideas on here for graphically remembering what he did to you now in case you, or those around you, minimise it, but there is just no coming back from DV.

You are doing the absolute best thing for all of you (including him).

Stay strong

@BertieBotts obviously means well but it is so important to grey rock in these situations. Don't give them ANYTHING to work with. My previous suggestion is civil and neutral but clear:

Either

"I can't discuss it any further as it is considered harassment. Thank you for checking in on me."

Or

"I can't discuss it any further as it is considered harassment."

Then ignore ignore ignore. If they become pestering another one saying

"As I mentioned I cannot discuss this with you so please do not contact me."

Anything after that report report report - they've been told once clearly.

The police can serve a PIN notice to anyone who does mean well but isnt getting the message or respecting your wishes to not be contacted. This is a warning and not a caution or conviction if I remember correctly so you don't have to worry about feeling guilty getting anyone in trouble.

Your ex however will hopefully be called in for interview and an official caution, a temporary non molestation order and if required a restraining order.

Thinking of you

He's starting to get an inkling that he's losing control, I think. That this isn't going to end with a few weeks on the couch and his feet back under the table.

My love please please please make the police fully aware of every single thing going on. I don't want to scare you but the reality is that this is the dangerous bit, suddenly they aren't in control and they can spiral. Please make sure you're getting professional help from every service available - women's aid, shelter, any DV charities specific to your area, their school, solicitor, police - everyone. You want joined up thinking and as much possible support at this time. It will be exhausting but make a list of people who need to be kept informed and tick them off each time something needs to be reported.

And don't forget the mumsnet army is here to talk to, but most of us can't help in real life so we all want you to get as much help as possible (including me as much as we can)

I've been the kid in the house you describe and I wish my mum had been aware women should, can and do leave. You're so brave - please don't give up now.

Yep. Ignore the flying monkey. Keep going. Don't respond. Grey rock.

I know this is the dangerous bit. Which is why I am worried.

Sorry love I didn't mean to scare you further as you already know it's a risky bit :(

Are there any practical or logistics things / questions / recommendations that MNetters might be able to help with?

So sorry I feel helpless but here to be a listening ear and supporter if nothing else xx

Thank you.

I just got a call from a mobile number I didn't recognise. Maybe I'm just jumpy, but he also could have changed his number to circumvent me blocking him. I need to change my number now, don't I?

Change your number and start logging every single thing like this now. You may later rely on it in court : /

Oh sorry I had thought that WAS sort of a grey rock response as you're not challenging them by saying no it's not unfair, just kind of passing it off as though to say oh well, nothing I can do about it. Cos ultimately you want your family on side rather than pissing them off. But I appreciate it's out of my experience, my ex was not known to be violent. Sounds like the other ladies know what's what.

I did change my number for a bit when I left. I just borrowed my sister's phone for a few weeks. Only switched my own phone on when I was with my mum and she'd screen my texts/missed calls/emails for me. Albeit this was in the days that a smartphone wasn't an extension of everyone's hand, and my sister didn't use her phone much. You could get a cheap PAYG sim card and do similar? Just check messages on the normal one when you're with someone you trust.

BTW, If you do change your number, and you use Whatsapp at all, make sure you block him as a contact on whatsapp before you change your number, or he might be able to see your new number through that.

You are doing so well, OP... you haven’t second-guessed yourself, or chosen to be guilt-tripped into taking him back so that his behaviour doesn’t reflect negatively on other people in your life. You have taken your DC away from a situation where they could potentially learn that this is acceptable. I’m so proud of you!!! You are so strong!!!

The thought of taking him back fills me with horror.

Dealing with this fallout makes me anxious, jumpy, sick to my stomach.

I feel like I'm trapped between two versions of hell and no way to escape.

I have no real options here. I can't allow him back in my life. But he will be, at least until our youngest child is 18.

You've got this op. It does get better. I'm still dealing with some fall out a year later but getting out was the best thing I ever did

I think you need to get a solicitor to start working for you ASAP. A lot of this pressure will be taken away then.

I am waiting to qualify for legal aid.

In time love you'll think of his role as father of your kids rather than thinking of him as entwined in every element of your day to day life.

You'll find such freedom down the line I promise but like we've all said you have to get to the moving on part you have to do this bit and there's no getting around the fact it is fucking shit :( xx

I've sent an email to my parents.
-------
Please don't talk to him again. He has been manipulating all of us for the past 2 decades - it is difficult to separate who we think he is from what he actually is - an abuser. He didn't just suddenly "turn" on me two weeks ago, he's been like this all along. Please understand that, put boundaries in place and stop speaking to him from now on.

I am in a very dangerous position now. He is starting to realise that this won't end with a few weeks on the couch and his feet back under the table. He is contacting other people and spinning his side of the story - as a man who has been cut out of family life, who misses his children. Let's remind ourselves that he ATTACKED me, pushing our daughter out of the way to reach me, completely uncaring that she was watching the whole thing, and then threatened to do it again as he walked away from the destruction he caused. His problems are ALL of his own making. This is not the behaviour of someone who deserves to be treated "fairly". HE IS DANGEROUS.

I have been contacted by members of his side of the family this weekend, fishing for information. He is losing control, and he will become more dangerous. I don't know what he will do next, but I must take advice from professionals, and I need you to trust my actions and judgement and not second-guess me. I am not behaving irrationally, I am not over-reacting. I am methodically preparing and protecting my family and myself. I am consulting with school teachers, therapists, social workers, domestic violence professionals and a solicitor. My decisions are not unjust, are not illegal, and are not ill-thought-out.

His persona has always been the quiet, calm, rational one. It's been very effective, even in the face of nasty, coercive behaviour. It has taken me a long time to see it, to stop blaming myself for being a bad wife, to stop excusing his behaviour as being "tired" or "stressed" or "depressed". In actual fact he is a dangerous, violent bully.

I need you to accept this reality. I need you to stop being "neutral" with him. He sees you as a chink in my armour, and he will try to get at you again. Please don't let him.
----

If your parents still don't listen I would actually say something like "The next time he may actually succeed in killing me in front of the DC rather than just getting close".

If your parents don't get firmly of the fence or you can't 100% trust them then keep them at arms length because as you realise they will put you in further danger.

KOKO

Brilliant email Melt. They don’t understand abuse. Ask them to read about it. Send them The Dominator or Why Does He Do That? They need to learn about it as you have.

Well done - hopefully that email will hit home ❤️

Well.

My stepdad has responded.

He won't refuse to talk to him if he calls them again.

He doesn't think that my husband was manipulative in their conversation, but "contrite, apologetic, confused...all the things you would expect having done something very bad."

He says I am demonising him!!

He is minimising everything.

I am appalled.

I will not be taking them into my confidence.

I am shaking.

Agree with pp that if that email doesn't do the trick (which it should), maybe you should consider low/no contact with them on a temporary basis, particularly if your relationship with your Mum is tricky. Now is not the time for any problems with your relationship with her to be dealt with. You need only people who will support you.

So frustrating that people who should be unequivocally on your side aren't though. Idiots. We're on your side. You're doing brilliantly. You are right. This is a black and white case of right and wrong, you're right, he's wrong. And that's what the law says. Don't listen to anyone who thinks there can be any neutrality in this.

Oh FFS! Send them the photo of your bruises!!! Ask them to explain that!!!

Sorry, cross post. I am so sorry to hear this. No contact with stepdad I think. He's perpetuating the abuse by trying to persuade you that you are wrong.

If your abusive, violent H is really contrite he'll wait to see the kids and do what the social workers and solicitor recommends as well as pleading guilty to charges from the police. He won't contact you or your family. That's what someone who's really contrite does, not trying to intimidate you and influence and control you through your relatives.