I have to leave him, don't I?

[MeltedEggMum]

Yesterday my husband attacked me.

We have had our ups and downs like all couples, nothing out of the ordinary I thought.

Before he attacked me we were having a good day, he was off work, we had the plumber in, everything was chilled.

I left to do the school run and came home to him feeling stressed because the toddler had made a mess of talc upstairs. I joked with him a bit to try to diffuse the situation but he suddenly turned nasty.

He grabbed me by the throat and slapped me around the face three times.

I froze. I couldn't believe it was happening. He walked away from me and as we went downstairs he threatened to do it again.

Luckily I had my phone on me and I called the police straight away.

They arrested him and he was given a caution late last night - he's staying with a friend.

There's no fixing this, is there? He's ruined everything. I'm still in shock. Yesterday morning I had a normal life.

I've left them a message because they were busy.

Am I going to feel panicky and scared every time he contacts me? His text has completely thrown me off this afternoon. I need to block his number.

Indeed just block his number

I wouldn't tell him anything apart from absolute minimum stuff, to do with arrangements for the children.

I don't have any experience of this - but I imagine you need to say something (or have someone say something on your behalf) so he knows not to just turn up?

Or, perhaps plan to be out tomorrow?

I agree definitely asking WA is a good idea.
Then, if they think it's a good idea to do so, to reply that if he wants to see the kids, then he needs to arrange contact through your solicitor, and give the solicitor's details.Tell him not to contact you again

As someone that has been in a DV relationship myself you need to leave now.

He will do it again, no matter what he says right now. But the attacks will get more frequent and more violent when he knows you wont do anything about it.

Then the mental abuse begins. He will manipulate you into believing it was your fault and that you deserved it. This means you wont blame him for future attacks. You'll blame yourself. And you end up believing that you're the bad one and begging them to stay when they threaten to leave (which is another way to keep their power).

It took me years to get over my situation. Please don't do it to yourself or your kids

@Frankola if you read the thread you will discover that the OP has been very strong and consequent in immediately showing him the door. She now needs advice in keeping it that way.

Am I going to feel panicky and scared every time he contacts me? His text has completely thrown me off this afternoon. I need to block his number.

Yes my love I want to be honest with you and it will. There are still times I get the tummy dread feeling of doom when I get an email from someone with the same name as my ex. It's a physical reaction years on.

But remember you are doing SO well - your body is showcasing your anxiety, it's a physical thing you will learn to get control of with help such as counselling.

You're doing really well on the emotional side - you're acknowledging and questioning your physical reactions (self aware), you're sure of your decision (resilient) and asking for advice on here (sensible self care)

So many of us have been here and there's always someone around to sound stuff out with.

If you need to PM anytime feel free

Just FYI and this depends where you are but lots of freedom groups are able to offer a free creche. Really worth finding out as this would help and the groups are wonderful for stiffening resolve and meeting other strong resilient like minded
Women x

You are doing well OP. Just hold on to the fact that this will probably be the most horrible thing in your life you will have to deal with.

Grey rock is where you sort of withdraw, do the minimum expected of you with regards to others expectations. You become a grey rock in the background as far as others are concerned. This gives you time to think, formulate plans and most importantly, care for yourself, find your self esteem again and put sensible boundaries in place.

We are all so busy meeting others expectations. Women and especially mothers do this in spades but at times like this, it's easy for this trait to be increased when for your ongoing mental and physical health, it's vital you actually do the opposite!
This can involve coming off social media, blocking numbers, changing locks, closing curtains, changing vehicle, changing hair style, changing eating habits, moving house even. Pulling trusted friends closer. Buying yourself some nice things. Bring down the shutters and think about yourself a lot more. So he wants to see the DC. So what? You wanted a lot of things you never got! It's time for you now OP. I don't mean be manipulative and that is not in your nature anyway but just sort of grey, background, diminished in order to give yourself time to heal, find your self esteem and emerge weeks or months later, renewed, refreshed, purposeful and with full knowledge of yourself, acceptance of your new circumstances and healthy in mind and body and ........divorced.
Grey rock gives the gift of feeling like you have time to yourself. Time to think. Time to prepare for a new future. It allows you to sit quietly and listen to your inner rhythm and it allows you to become less reactive and more intuitive.
If you think you won't get to just sit and chill at home because he might come and knock, sit with a flask of coffee in a leafy layby somewhere with all the doors locked and .....breathe.
There are positives as well as negatives to this time in your life.

I AM SO ANGRY.

So he was told by a go-between that social services are involved. He's now called my mom and stepdad and said things like "I haven't seen my kids for two weeks" and "I don't know if I'm even part of the family anymore."

So manipulative it makes me sick.

And! AND! My mom and stepdad tell me they are "trying to remain neutral with him" but also think that it is "unfair" that he doesn't know what is going on.

I am taking advice from professionals. I am doing EVERYTHING right. I am not the bad person in this scenario, some evil witch who has ruthlessly chucked him out and removed access to his children.

My parents are still seeing him for the person they thought he was, and not what he truly is. I get that it's hard to shift your thinking but they saw the bruise! They saw my swollen face! They know I am having panic attacks! How can they possibly try to convince me to be "fair" to him?? To insinuate that he has every right to access "his home, too" and then tut when I say I've actually taken a solicitor's advice rather than just freaking GOOGLED IT.

AAAAARRRRRGGGH. I hate everyone!!!!!

HE DESTROYED MY LIFE.

HE HURT ME.

AND I'M SUPPOSED TO BE NICE AND REASONABLE???

NO.

Anger is good. They're wrong. You're doing the right things.

It's so infuriating, that the people who I'm supposed to be able to trust are enabling the abuser. I totally understand why it's so hard to leave the first time, if my experiences with other people are anything to go by. And I have irrefutable proof! He admitted to everything! Yet people still try to frame me as the unreasonable one.

I'm sitting seething in soft play. Breathe....

Don't listen to them, you're doing the right thing. All his troubles are of his own making.

They are weak and don't want to face it

KOKO

YY. When they say things like that you could respond "Well maybe it's unfair, but it's not my decision. I'm just doing what the solicitor/social worker/court has advised me to do".

Much calmer than my spitting rage, Bertie. Probably wiser....

I dunno, Bertie - that just gives them a in to say well you don't have to follow their advice and it suggests OP agrees it's unfair. It's not unfair, he's spent years being abusive and he assaulted the OP.

I'd just remind them, personally, OP "It hurts me that you say you're going to remain neutral when he attacked me and you saw the bruises. Even if he hadn't, I'm your daughter."

Has your mum always had the habit of taking other people's sides and undercutting you, OP? If you look back over your life?

It's something I'm going to have to think about tbh. Our relationship hasn't been the easiest over the years, but the thought of having to deal with fallout with extended family as well is, frankly, exhausting. I'd like to run away for a while.

I'm so tired.

You don't need to fight with them, it's just something to consider.

I'm sorry they haven't got your back like they bloody well should.

Thank you all. The thought of dealing with all this without a safe place to vent and get ideas and support is unbearable. Sincerely thank you.

FUCK THEM @MeltedEggMum

You are doing a fucking brilliant job. This thread will no doubt go to classics as so much support and practical advice AND a poster taking it all on board sensibly while speaking to experts.

If you were my daughter I'd be really, really proud of you.

So I'll say again - FUCK THEM.

Carry on, push through and you will come out of the other side. I promise

I've just now received a text from my sil - his brother's wife. She said she'd heard something happened between him and me and wanted to know if I was ok.

We never text. I don't even have her number saved in my phone. He. Is. Fishing.

I replied with "I can't really talk about it, but he attacked me and was arrested."

She replied with suprise and shock and an offer to talk if I need to. As if!

I'd just remind them, personally, OP "It hurts me that you say you're going to remain neutral when he attacked me and you saw the bruises. Even if he hadn't, I'm your daughter." I think you should be much harder with them, you are allowed to be angry with them.

I think I would say some thing along the lines of, ''X knows why he is not he is not part of the family, HE strangled me, HE could have killed me. And if you want to be neutral then I'm sorry that I will have to remove you from mine and DD life as well so WE can be SAFE from our abuser''. And leave it with that, let them think about what THEY are doing and saying. Unfortunately your parents can not be trusted to protect you and your DD from your EX.