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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have to leave him, don't I?

688 replies

MeltedEggMum · 03/05/2019 07:08

Yesterday my husband attacked me.

We have had our ups and downs like all couples, nothing out of the ordinary I thought.

Before he attacked me we were having a good day, he was off work, we had the plumber in, everything was chilled.

I left to do the school run and came home to him feeling stressed because the toddler had made a mess of talc upstairs. I joked with him a bit to try to diffuse the situation but he suddenly turned nasty.

He grabbed me by the throat and slapped me around the face three times.

I froze. I couldn't believe it was happening. He walked away from me and as we went downstairs he threatened to do it again.

Luckily I had my phone on me and I called the police straight away.

They arrested him and he was given a caution late last night - he's staying with a friend.

There's no fixing this, is there? He's ruined everything. I'm still in shock. Yesterday morning I had a normal life.

OP posts:
CabbageHippy · 15/05/2019 15:08

so sorry it's happened to you - any chance he is having some sort of mental breakdown as a cause?

That said your relationship is now broken & there will be no coming back from this ever. I hope you were not too physically hurt?

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 15/05/2019 15:22

Cabbage the more I read about abusive relationships, the more I am recognising discernible patterns of his abuse against me throughout our relationship. Him attacking me was just an increase in his controlling behaviour.

Obviously it didn't work, because I've now split with him and he is living elsewhere (address unknown at this time unfortunately).

In many ways I am almost glad his first attack was so obviously horrendous and frightening, because I was blind to so much of his horrible behaviour up to that point. I wish it never happened, of course because my DC are suffering and the shock has been heart wrenching, but it is what it is. There is definitely no going back.

OP posts:
CabbageHippy · 15/05/2019 16:13

Egg - Very sorry, I posted in anger before reading the rest of the thread.

You are very strong & an inspiration to other women going through DV. You've achieved so much strength & confidence in the past week, imagine where you'll be this time next year

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 15/05/2019 18:50

Thank you Cabbage!

OP posts:
nakedscientist · 16/05/2019 00:21

Thinking of you OP and wishing you the best. I hope things are moving on for you and that you manage to keep the pace up.

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 16/05/2019 07:27

I don't have his address so can't progress much further at the moment. But taking a break from such fast-paced change isn't so bad, either.

I think once I can instruct a solicitor I'll be feeling stronger.

OP posts:
Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 16/05/2019 07:28

I keep looking at adding more door locks and sliding bolts to the front and back doors. They aren't very expensive, either.

OP posts:
pog100 · 16/05/2019 07:35

You sound so level headed, trust your own instincts on what feels right for you now. Obviously the thread has been good in bolstering your resolve to leave and I think it's plain you've had your eyes opened. Taking stock and having a break is no bad thing even if it is enforced by circumstances.

HettySunshine · 16/05/2019 07:40

Of course there's no rush, but when you're ready to issue divorce proceedings you don't need to have his home address.

If you know where he works you can hire a process server (via your solicitor) who is given his details, a photo, car rev, make model etc and they can issue the Peterson to him in person. They then provide a sworn declaration to say he has had it.

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 16/05/2019 08:01

Oh that's interesting, Hetty, thanks. I was just going on the information online for starting proceedings on my own.

That makes me feel miles better! Whew!

OP posts:
Happynow001 · 16/05/2019 10:17

I keep looking at adding more door locks and sliding bolts to the front and back doors. They aren't very expensive, either.
Do you already have a chain inside the doors OP?

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 16/05/2019 11:42

Yes, on the front, but not the back.

OP posts:
Propertywoes · 16/05/2019 11:42

I think you sound incredible op. You are so strong. Abusers are master manipulators. They know how to reel you in and keep you underwater, giving you just enough affection to keep you under their control. It's not your fault you were taken in by it.

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 16/05/2019 12:01

Yes! It's quite chilling when you really think of it.

I am currently on hold with our energy supplier to get a refund of overpayments - I waited to confirm change in bank account details before ringing. Over 1k is sitting in their account!!! That will be an amazing help right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 16/05/2019 12:22

Crushing disappointment - that credit was built up due to a year of estimated meter readings. I'm actually in debt to them. Angry My payments are going up to cover the debt.

OP posts:
nakedscientist · 16/05/2019 15:13

Sorry to hear that Thanks

Can you not use the same energy suppliers and move the account to your new address?

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 16/05/2019 15:45

Oh I haven't moved. I kicked him out.

I think I'm just going to have to pay this debt off and check out different suppliers after it's been cleared. Hey ho.

OP posts:
category12 · 16/05/2019 16:27

Bulb are pretty cheap.

BertieBotts · 16/05/2019 16:44

It's amazing to see your self esteem and belief coming back just from this end of the thread too :) Never mind about the energy bill. It will clear, and technically it's their error, so don't worry about taking your time to let it.

resisterpersister · 16/05/2019 17:09

When you're ready to look at different suppliers, have a look at Bulb and see what you think. I have a referral link for them - but I do genuinely recommend them, honest!

They have 100% green electricity, their gas is 10% from renewable sources and they do carbon offsetting for the rest.

They're really cheap, you can get an estimate of cost on their website
(that's my referral link).

But the best bit is you get a £50 referral fee every time you recommend to someone and they switch - and they get £50 credit too off their first bill. So if you recommend it to a few friends, then you can find your bill disappears (there's no limit to how many you can recommend).

I only recommend them when someone mentions it (like now!) as I feel a bit uncomfortable about going out there and touting it, but even so I've still had £300 off my bill since I joined them 2 years ago.

A friend of mine is really good at sharing her referral code in lots of places and has managed to not only get rid of her energy bill entirely but she makes profit out of them. (She knows loads of green activists though so that probably helps as they'll like the green aspect. I think she's an exception!)

I hope you don't mind me sharing on this thread, I know it sounds a bit spammy, but I'm skint and it's helped me.

Mumek · 16/05/2019 17:16

I also highly recommend BULB...best most transparent suppliers we have used. My whole family use them now.

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 16/05/2019 17:25

No worries resister - you have a very trustworthy name. 😁

OP posts:
ThatCurlyGirl · 16/05/2019 17:46

It's amazing to quite literally watch my self esteem restore itself.

It IS amazing and we are all loving watching it too! You sound so brill, well done you ThanksThanksThanks

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 17/05/2019 14:53

He's just texted me asking to see the DC tomorrow.

I have filed a c100. Do I tell him? What is the wisest response? Nothing?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 17/05/2019 15:34

Probably nothing.

Ask WA?