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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have to leave him, don't I?

688 replies

MeltedEggMum · 03/05/2019 07:08

Yesterday my husband attacked me.

We have had our ups and downs like all couples, nothing out of the ordinary I thought.

Before he attacked me we were having a good day, he was off work, we had the plumber in, everything was chilled.

I left to do the school run and came home to him feeling stressed because the toddler had made a mess of talc upstairs. I joked with him a bit to try to diffuse the situation but he suddenly turned nasty.

He grabbed me by the throat and slapped me around the face three times.

I froze. I couldn't believe it was happening. He walked away from me and as we went downstairs he threatened to do it again.

Luckily I had my phone on me and I called the police straight away.

They arrested him and he was given a caution late last night - he's staying with a friend.

There's no fixing this, is there? He's ruined everything. I'm still in shock. Yesterday morning I had a normal life.

OP posts:
resisterpersister · 13/05/2019 10:05

" Can I have your postal address please do as I can send things on?"
I am no expert but maybe playing your cards close to your chest may be wiser/ safer for you

Yes, I agree. Tell him things on a need to know basis. All the things you have written above are very clear communications, but keep them up your sleeve till you need them.

eg When he asks about contact, then say

"I have reported your attack to social services, and therefore further contact with the children will be decided by family courts. You will not have any access to them until such time as a judge decides a visitation schedule."

justilou1 · 13/05/2019 10:18

I don’t think it’s smart to poke a snake with a stick

ImNotNigel · 13/05/2019 12:33

What peaked too early and justilou1 said.

It’s good that you wrote that all down, it’s a clear plan for your future. But it’s for you , not him. You don’t have to tell him how you are leading your life, you are not accountable to him anymore.

As PP said, just respond factually when he contacts you. No drama.

Don’t say “ I have reported you to social services “ . Say something like “social services are dealing with this , you need to contact them”. Let them tell him he can’t see the kids before court.

ImNotNigel · 13/05/2019 12:35

The reason social services are involved is because he hit you. Not because you reported him.

That way it’s clearer who caused all this mess.

YOU are not taking things to court, it’s social services who are doing this because they are concerned about the children welfare.

These are all natural consequences of HIS behaviour.

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 13/05/2019 14:25

I'm not sending it. Thanks for the feedback - I feel a bit delicate today after my panic attack last night, but overall I am calmer knowing I have remained silent and kept my boundaries in place.

I can progress with the divorce until I have his address, so I've asked a go-between to get it.

I'm giving up on the worry about the bank account right now. He will probably go overdrawn, and I can't do anything about it. But I've moved bills over to my account so when he gets paid again he will be back into the black quickly. Maybe I will feel able to deal with the account in another month or two.

I don't want this to move slowly, but I understand the wisdom in allowing time to play out. It's torturous though.

OP posts:
Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 13/05/2019 14:25

*can't progress

OP posts:
PeakedTooEarly · 13/05/2019 16:56

Gently gently catchy monkey OP. By contacgting him you are validating him. You need to shut down a lot more or he will know he is still getting to you. Grey rock rocks basically.

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 13/05/2019 19:14

I think I get what grey rock means but I only see it here - is it a Mumsnet phrase?

OP posts:
category12 · 13/05/2019 19:20

No, it's not from Mumsnet. If you google you'll find it.

BertieBotts · 13/05/2019 21:44

Grey rock is a technique for dealing with antagonistic bastards basically.

I agree don't send the email. Do you have a solicitor? It might be best to allow communication to go through solicitor, rather than contacting him directly yourself.

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 14/05/2019 10:08

Mixed morning. I failed to give DD her copy of the new key so when she shut the door and my keys were still inside.... Sigh. It was my fault entirely but she felt really stressed (especially because she has an exam this afternoon). Luckily I had cash on me and was able to order a taxi, now I wait for the locksmith to get me back into my house. Blush

Good news though - my blood results are clear.

OP posts:
resisterpersister · 14/05/2019 10:51

Great news on the blood results - phew Flowers

How long will you have to wait? Hope you're back in your house now?

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 14/05/2019 10:54

Waiting on the front step. He should be here soon. It's a lovely day to sit outside and it will be cheaper than expected so as long as I can get my hours done today I won't allow myself to get stressed.

OP posts:
Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 14/05/2019 10:55

(I work from home, only 16 hours a week but I try to do 3-4/day.)

OP posts:
EggWrap · 14/05/2019 11:20

Being locked out is one of the most frustrating feeling ever! So close, and yet so far away. Xx

RandomMess · 14/05/2019 11:55

Time to get a coded key safe or ask a local good friend to have a spare key?

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 14/05/2019 12:11

Yes, I need backup!

OP posts:
Zofloramummy · 14/05/2019 13:11

If you don’t mind me asking what work do you do at home? I’d love to be able to supplement my income but I can only really work school hours.

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 14/05/2019 14:16

I'm a remote PA. I work for a tiny company and sort of fell into it via contacts I made volunteering in the same field. I feel really lucky to have it after my patchy CV history as a sahm.

OP posts:
Zofloramummy · 14/05/2019 15:01

I’ve heard of those. My background is healthcare and I’m currently working as a TA for children with additional needs in secondary school.

Beaubird83 · 14/05/2019 15:26

The fact that you’re even questioning leaving him I think shows you know deep down what you need to do.
You have your children, and you need to keep strong for yourself and for them too. I think it’s important for you to also show your daughter who witnessed it that you won’t accept that to be normal behaviour towards someone who is supposed to love you.
You don’t have to have been beaten up for it to count as abuse. Any physical, emotional, psychological abuse it’s all worthy of leaving them in my opinion.

My ex who I’d known over 10 years came home drunk one night, and pushed me against a kitchen counter by my wrists, got in my face and told me if I ever looked at another man and he clocked it I’d be sorry. Completely out of the blue, completely not in his usual behaviour, but completely terrifying. We went to bed together (no sex just went to sleep) and I grabbed my shit and I left him there and then. He text me when he woke up asking where I was and he didn’t remember anything happening. Was enough for me and I wasn’t willing to risk that happening again.

You’re worth better. Be strong, speak to the police as they actually have very good support systems they can put you in touch with if you need immediate assistance. Best of luck lovely.

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 14/05/2019 18:17

I blubbed at the neighbour today when she came round to ask us to fix our dodgy guttering that is dripping and pouring into their window roof. I said money is a bit tight due to circumstances and she was very kind. Kindness makes me cry.

Today has been a day of mishaps and frustrations, and I keep pulling myself up when I think "I must tell him such and such" or "if only he could help with this"

But all of today's frustrations originate from his actions. The lock thing is his fault, the guttering is his fault (wanting me to choose a cheap builder), everything is his fault. I don't want to talk to him, I don't miss him, it's just habit. But it feels strange. I'm worn out.

I suppose one other good thing apart from the clean blood test results is that the knot in my stomach has eased. I have been feeling nauseous nonstop for a week and a half. It's been very unpleasant.

OP posts:
Zofloramummy · 15/05/2019 00:46

Hey egg meltdowns are completely normal! And money worries too unfortunately. However on the massively (not to be underrated) plus side you no longer have to deal with the consequences of your ex’s decisions in the future. Every choice you make from now is yours. And that’s both empowering and slightly scary!

But remember what you have got now. Autonomy, freedom, no more worrying as your key goes into the door about what mood he might be in, no more having to really think about what you say or do and how it might affect his behaviour. No more fear, eggshells, excusing his behaviour.

It’s fucking scary on your own but trust me, you’ll make mistakes along the way but you are safe, your dc are safe, and you aren’t living by someone else’s rules anymore.

So cry when you need to. He sold you a dream of life that was a lie. That’s what hurts so much. But also be so proud that you broke free and you chose to grow and live and love yourself Flowers

SeraphinaDombegh · 15/05/2019 13:25

@MeltedEggMum I'm just de-lurking to say how amazing you are. You're handling this really well and though you might not feel strong today, you are showing such incredible strength to your DCs and being a fantastic example to them. KOKO and one day soon, things will start to feel a bit better and brighter. We're all here standing with you x

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 15/05/2019 14:53

Thank you so much, Seraphina, and everyone who has been giving me advice and encouragement and music recommendations. :)

Today I have realised more deeply the fact that I am not hurting because I love him. I don't - and haven't for a long time. I am not hurting because I miss him - I've been mostly running things on my own for years. I am hurting because he used me for his own gratification - his desire for power, control, domination, intimidation, whatever. I gave him free and open access to the most intimate parts of my life and he used them as a weapon against me.

For so long I thought I wasn't a good wife, that I needed to be better so he would be happier/less "grumpy".

But he was quite happy indeed, until I stopped needing him. I was an excellent wife, actually - kind patient, loving, thoughtful, etc etc.

It's amazing to quite literally watch my self esteem restore itself.

OP posts: