I have to leave him, don't I?

[MeltedEggMum]

Yesterday my husband attacked me.

We have had our ups and downs like all couples, nothing out of the ordinary I thought.

Before he attacked me we were having a good day, he was off work, we had the plumber in, everything was chilled.

I left to do the school run and came home to him feeling stressed because the toddler had made a mess of talc upstairs. I joked with him a bit to try to diffuse the situation but he suddenly turned nasty.

He grabbed me by the throat and slapped me around the face three times.

I froze. I couldn't believe it was happening. He walked away from me and as we went downstairs he threatened to do it again.

Luckily I had my phone on me and I called the police straight away.

They arrested him and he was given a caution late last night - he's staying with a friend.

There's no fixing this, is there? He's ruined everything. I'm still in shock. Yesterday morning I had a normal life.

@MeltedEggMum you're a star. You're tackling so much right now and that you can do it with clearness of vision & see the past as it was is really incredible. I hope that you can do small, nice things for yourself this weekend. You deserve to be taken care of too - a nice bunch of flowers, a walk in nature, going to the movies with your kids.

You have come a long way 💐

I'd like to do something fun today. We'll see what the weather is like.

I had an angry dream last night. I told him I wanted a divorce - I was standing on some stairs looking down at him. He started crying and all I felt was contempt. I couldn't wait to leave his presence.

I'm also thinking of the people in my life who have abandoned me this past week. Certain people who I thought I could depend on in a crisis have actually completely avoided me or said some awful things and tried to make me reconsider divorce.

Ok. I know that my situation freaks people out. Makes them uncomfortable. Shines a light on their own lives, makes them re-examine their own instincts and choices. Etcetera etcetera etcetera.

I know this, because this is what I've had to do. I haven't had the choice. Everyone else can bury their heads in the sand and carry on with their comfortable existence. Me being open, honest and angry isn't something people can deal with. I know.

I know DV is not very well understood because we live in a violent culture and we don't see it.

At the lowest, most painful moment of my entire life, the only person I can 100% depend on is myself. I guess that will always be true.

Meltedeggmum you are doing brilliantly. This is when you find out who you really can rely on, often it's not who you think as you have found. Once he realises this it it, he may revert to being abusive but stay strong. I've been where you are and it's hard, but your freedom is worth it and the children are happier for it. It's natural to question things but glad the scales fall it becomes so much clearer. I also highly recommend the Freedom Programme - so informative & eye opening. Your fledgling independance was a reLly issue for him & this was the beginning of the fear - to keep you in your place- its all about control.Keep going, you've got this. I hope you have a lovely day out today whatever you decide to do. For you

Never think about things in terms of past failures. The past is done, it's gone, which means it's pretty much irrelevant except as a base to spring off now - there is ONLY now. And it's important to look at things that way - you say you feel weak for putting up with abuse for many years, but think of it from a "now" perspective - you are waking up and striking out for independence despite years of being beaten down - that's fantastic. That is what is strong. And what you have ahead of you, once you've got over the initial hump is amazing. The process of finding yourself and your freedom after abuse is magical.

Unrelated but similar perspective thing - I've been buying single bus tickets for DS1 to get to school for the last ~16 months. I've just discovered since talking to his school secretary that I could have been claiming these vouchers to get a bus pass for €10 a month for him!

So yes, I could calculate the extra money I've been spending/wasting over the last year and a half, and I could be sad and beat myself up about that. OR I could say hey - going forwards I'm saving €25-30 a month, that's brilliant - that's extra money that I have available in my budget for no effort of mine.

The past is irrelevant because we can't go back and change it, try to frame things like this, it is a much more positive way of thinking about things.

Yes you must leave, for your own safety & that of your children. A friend of mine was grabbed round the throat by her partner- he held her so hard that she had a stroke and is still dealing with the associated health problems years later. My ex was violent- I made excuses for him and minimised his actions until he attacked me in front of our daughter who was only a toddler at the time. He still maintains that I was a “melodramatic bitch” and he had every right to off his head on alcohol & cocaine at 7am because he was “in his own house & could do what he wanted”. I still blame myself for letting it get to that point, I should have kicked him out the first time he laid a finger on me. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation OP

Sorry Should have read the full thread first. Well done OP- this is the start of a new happier and calmer life

Rely on yourself for sure. Remember that you'll be out the other side and you'll meet new people you can rely on. The present people aren't worth your energy.

The people who are deserting you now and making excuses for him aren't your friends. They are people who don't want to rock the boat with him.

In your new life, you will make new friends who only know you without your ex. They will only know the strong, independent woman you really are, and they will appreciate you. Those are the kind of friends who are worth having.

There's an expression specific to this board, for women who are going through the process of ending a marriage or relationship to an abusive, useless or unpleasant ex - Keep On Keeping On, or KOKO.

So KOKO

Yep. When you are going through hell, keep going.

We have had a series of devastating things happen to us over the last four years. We have lost loads of 'friends' as a result. Some I was certain would fall away, some have come as a shock. Times have been so terrible though this has barely registered. I know what I know though. Our drawbridge is up now apart from to a select few.

Mummacake - and others who have suggested the freedom programme - I have the Living with the Dominator book and I think I will take their online course for now. I need childcare to go to a class and I already depend too much in one friend to watch my toddler as it is. Something to consider when DC is old enough for nursery.

BertieBotts you are right, of course. I know I will be at peace about my past eventually. What has happened before now has shaped who I am, and I am pretty great. I can't change what has happened and it's a waste of energy to dwell on it. My energy is a precious, limited resource.

Thuglife thanks for sharing your story. Reading or hearing about other women's experiences - especially if the abuser grabbed her throat - reminds me how important it is to keep him away from me at all costs. The risks are too great, the consequences too horrific.

MrsMozartMkII in some ways it's almost liberating? To only have myself to worry about, I mean. For too long I have danced to someone else's tune, disregarding my own feelings, thoughts and desires. He sucked the life out of me, he was so boring and bland. I confirmed to him. Now I don't have to! In some ways it is scary to just be me, but mostly it is exciting and wonderful. (I am sleeping better lately and feel really upbeat first thing in the morning! )

pointythings I will definitely KOKO. There's no other alternative! This is my life now, and I will do my best at making it amazing.

PeakedTooEarly I like that saying - keep going, because it implies I will make it through the other side.

So many of my character "flaws" have actually been strengths for me. I would call myself impulsive before, but I am changing that to decisive now. I used to call myself obsessive but now I will say determined and focussed. Over the years I became childlike in my dependence on him, allowing him to make all the decisions while I second guessed my instincts. But it turns out I am strong, intelligent and fierce. I like this woman that I am.

Christ ThugLife that is scary.

I fell asleep earlier and woke up from a nightmare of him raping me.

I was planning on sending him an email tomorrow but I can't do it. I'm terrified.

This is what I wanted to say, but I can't pursue divorce right now because I don't have his address. I can't take my name off our bank account without him there to sign paperwork.

He still owns me.

^Subject: Where things stand now

Body:

1. It has been eleven days since you attacked me. My jaw is no longer swollen and my bruising has faded, but the damage you have done to our relationship is unrecoverable. We are no longer a couple, and I am seeking divorce.

2. I have reported your attack to social services, and therefore further contact with the children will be decided by family courts. You will not have any access to them until such time as a judge decides a visitation schedule.

3. You may collect your things via xxxx. I will leave xxxxx to discuss the particulars with you.

4. Do not reply to this message. Do not send me any emails or texts, do not ring me. Do not come near me in any way. I will report any such contact to the police, as you have already threatened to hurt me again after your first attack and I will not allow you to attack me a second time.

I'm shivering and shaking and sobbing right now. I can't do this.

Melted firstly, you are wonderful and you are strong. Sending

The email seems ok to me but I'm not an expert and he has proven himself dangerous, your clear intention to divorce him could possibly enrage him? I think I've read on here before that the most dangerous time is when women are planning to leave - I know you're not living with him any more but still... I think being scared is entirely rational - can you get advice from Women's Aid or other DV specialists on how to communicate with him and when to convey information such as your intention to pursue divorce? Others on here will probably have the answers.

Those not so great friends - can you use them to get information such as his address?

You are being so strong. KOKO....

yes you can...your suggested email is so strong...sending big hugs x x

You CAN do this.

You’re strong. And resilient. And prepared. You are going to do this because you HAVE to do this - for yourself and your dc.

I promise you, from the absolute bottom of my heart, this will pass and you’re going to be so much happier than you are right now. Look at how far you’ve come already, in just 11 days. Think about how brilliant you’ll feel in a month. 2 months. 6 months. A year. The rest of your life.

Because that’s the important thing. You’re going through shit now, but IT WILL ULTIMATELY BE OK, I promise you

That must have been a very scary experience to have that dream. You are only human and of course you are feeling shaken. Having said that your email is concise, factual and not over emotional. There is no rush to send it. Gather yourself and when you feel strong enough send it

I'm so sorry you are going through this and in awe of your bravery keep strong. X

Keep strong,it’s only natural to feel scared and I know how hard it is to not let that fear paralyse you. You don’t need to send the email straight away or even at all if you don’t want to.
I agree with a pp to perhaps take advice on it as you need to keep yourself safe. You’re going through an awful awful time but you WILL come out the other side

You can do this lass.

You have the strength to get this far. You can go further.

I would not send that email if there is no need to. He has not asked for access has he? If he asks, tell him about the contact centre etc. but I would not send anything first, just responses.
Wait until he offers an address or the solicitor needs it. Do everything in response to him for now. It's a coping strategy.

I had children with an abuser. I made the next generation of my family with an awful person. I didn't think he was at the time, but now I have to somehow stop this pattern from repeating in their lives

And you will. The fog has lifted and now you can see clearly,

Well done for what you have acheieved in such a small space of time. Everything is scary now but we fortunatly have a system where DV families are looked after. Regarding your financial situatuon you should of been elegible for an advancement on UC. Did they offer you this?

Seriously well done. It took me many slaps, kicks and black eyes before i left. And my young children saw a lot of it. The only reason i left is because the last attack my daughter thought was her fault and said sorry to me . Ill never forget that moment, the fog just lifted and i realised how fucked up it all was

In time youll most likely begin to get angry over the things he has done, the longer ive been away from ex the more i remember and the madder i get, at him, at myself and at the whole situation. But counselling will help process those feelings, mine starts next week

Well done, youve done amazing

Just read your whole thread!
Keep up the good work, you have got this!! You are doing the right thing. If your having a shit day don't think about all the now stuff. Think about this date in a year, where you want to be and how your gonna get there.

I'm 18 months in now, on my own with my 2. It's bloody amazing... I never realised what a shitty situation so was in at the time. I didn't realise how my whole life was about appeasing his shitty moods or trying to understand his issues. Trying to get him help... someone has to want to get help and sort it themselves I have learnt.
Now I just sort me and my kids out! Iv been getting busy doing diy and looking great! Do what makes you and your kids happy and content. Good luck xx

Op can you check with women's aid whether it is wise to spell things out in this way?
Can you simply write and say " Can I have your postal address please do as I can send things on?"
I am no expert but maybe playing your cards close to your chest may be wiser/ safer for you.
Hugs

MeltedEggMum, you have amazing self awareness and a brilliant ability to stand back and really look at your relationship. I truly hope that some silent readers learn from you and those in bad relationships, with bad men find the courage to leave. Well done. 💐