I have to leave him, don't I?

[MeltedEggMum]

Yesterday my husband attacked me.

We have had our ups and downs like all couples, nothing out of the ordinary I thought.

Before he attacked me we were having a good day, he was off work, we had the plumber in, everything was chilled.

I left to do the school run and came home to him feeling stressed because the toddler had made a mess of talc upstairs. I joked with him a bit to try to diffuse the situation but he suddenly turned nasty.

He grabbed me by the throat and slapped me around the face three times.

I froze. I couldn't believe it was happening. He walked away from me and as we went downstairs he threatened to do it again.

Luckily I had my phone on me and I called the police straight away.

They arrested him and he was given a caution late last night - he's staying with a friend.

There's no fixing this, is there? He's ruined everything. I'm still in shock. Yesterday morning I had a normal life.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=tymWpEU8wpM

OMG I'm so sorry, that is a dreadful thing to happen to you. I hope you are ok.
It's unusual to suddenly turn after 19 years, I cannot think why on earth he would do that after all this time. He hasn't suddenly started taking drugs or anything has he? Been sacked from work and not told you? Anything else? It seems bizarre.
The trouble is you just cannot let this go. My first husband was violent after 5 years of marriage as he suspected I was seeing someone else, I wasn't.
Trouble is I gave him another chance wanting to save our marriage and unfortunately the violence escalated and it always does.
The first time needs to be the last time.
But I'm just so sorry this has happened after 19 years, why on earth did he decide to destroy your marriage after all this time? Madness on his part.

That's a very perceptive post, resisterpersister. You're absolutely right. You don't need to be clever to be manipulative. For some people it's very deep rooted, often in childhood.

Hit the floor

Don't Stay

A Place For My Head

Pushing Me Away

All Linkin Park.

You're doing brilliantly

It's been one week since I started this thread. At first, I'd hoped that somehow I was wrong and my life could go back to the way it was. Now, I don't want it to. I am recognising that my entire relationship, from the very beginning, has been abusive and he has been controlling/coercive the whole time. He has been trying to make me smaller and smaller most of my life.

This is really hard to face. I am struggling to accept that the man I thought I loved never actually existed. It was a façade. I built my life with a liar, I trusted an abuser. I gave him every precious part of me and he tried to destroy me in turn.

You all say how brave and strong I am, but I feel stupid and small. I am trying to see myself as you see me, but it's hard. I know statistically women don't often leave after the first incident, but I don't feel like I have, either. The first incident of abuse was 20 years ago. I have been belittled, laughed at, mocked, pushed around, ignored, overridden, jeered at, probably raped/sexually coerced (I'm still processing this) and gaslit my entire marriage.

I had a vested interest in keeping up appearances. I was proud to find a so-called good man at a young age. I didn't want anyone to question my judgement. I didn't want to be a statistic - marry young, divorce first or whatever. I never let anyone know I was struggling. I lied to the world and I lied to myself.

I had children with an abuser. I made the next generation of my family with an awful person. I didn't think he was at the time, but now I have to somehow stop this pattern from repeating in their lives.

It's been a week, and although we are sad and angry and everything in between, our home is calmer. There is a happier, more peaceful underlying atmosphere. I am a good mother. My DC feel safe. Things can only get better - we've already lived in hell.

It's nice to wake up feeling (more) positive.

New life and sunshine awaits.

What a post OP .. you are a very brave woman ... try not to beat yourself up too much .
The most important thing now is to take care of yourself and your children .
So many of us have loved a person who was not worthy and had severe flaws ... we are human .... don’t apologise for that ...

I wish you nothing but happiness and peace of mind going forward xxxx

There is not a day that I regret leaving my abuser- everything he has, and continues, to through at me is worth it.

You can do this, just remember this feeling gets tough.

Ive got the power by snap
Fighter by Christina aguilera
The dickhead song by Miles betterman

Well done OP. XXX

OP you are strong. After all those years of being squashed, trying to make the best of things, trying to be reasonable, logical you have retained your sense of self and been able to rise up out of this unhealthy relationship. Massively strong.

After 20 years being able to say that’s enough and end it. After going through all of what you have listed in your post. Still being able to have that core of self worth for you and the instinct to protect your kids. That is strong.

It’s so easy once you are out of it to look back and think why didn’t I see it? Why didn’t I leave earlier? But it’s not that simple. Be grateful you are free now and have the rest of your life to be yourself, to grow, and laugh and love your kids.

What is your real life support like?

I imagine you're going to have some really tough days ahead, questioning if you've done the right thing, was he really that bad, you might even miss him.

If those thoughts creep in, please read back on what you've posted here. You have made gigantic leaps in a very short space of time. You need to surround yourself with supportive people.

I think therapy should be a priority. Talking with an unbiased third party is going to be better than with people who know him and might even try to defend him. You don't need to listen to that kind of bullshit.

Just take one day at a time, you have been through an awful ordeal. Your body and mind need time to recover

Wow - Op I am in awe of you
❤️

@Meltedeggmum

You are a star and a shining example to other women. The feeling of liberation when you come out of a relationship like that and see it for what it really is will bombard you with a host of emotions. Yes, you lied to yourself, but NONE of it was your fault at all. The rest of your life is now before you to make it what YOU want and be the person you really are. Masses of luck and love to you

Thank you all.

I am changing the locks now, so I feel safer telling him.

I can't get my name off the joint account without his signature, though. I don't know what to do - I could freeze the account but it might enrage him. I am changing bills over to my sole account, but haven't changed the mortgage payment yet because I'm worried I might not be able to cover it for June before my UC payments kick in. They wanted to go over my finances before accepting a payment pause or reduction and I'm afraid they would decide I can't afford the mortgage and put me in default or something. I know it's not great to be dependent upon welfare payments to pay the mortgage but I don't have much choice. My wages would cover the mortgage and basically nothing else.

Oh, and our tax credits award has been cancelled since I applied to UC. So I have a month of twiddling my thumbs and eating air?

Get advice from stepchange and women's aid

You should be able to get an advance from UC once you’ve had your face to face meeting.

Mortgage - my ex is still on my mortgage as I can’t afford to remortgage. However that hasn’t caused any issues. I’ve had to miss a payment and yes it showed as a default but I was able to increase my payments slightly to pay the missing month back over 12 months. Speak to your mortgage provider and explain, I’ve always found mine to be really helpful.

Thanks, I will.

My wages cover my mortgage also and we live off the UC, CB and maintenance. It is doable but isn’t a life of luxury!

You are a fighter op x

Just thinking.

I think he hates it when I lost weight a few years ago. He's been trying to undermine me ever since, and when I didn't eat all the treats he kept bringing home (this in spite of me begging him to stop bringing it into the house because I found the temptation difficult) he started eating them with the DC. I was getting worried about their weight gain and high sugar intake and he made all the right noises but kept right on plying them with sugar and laughing at me when I was concerned/frustrated/angry.

I'm also starting to recognise his financial abuse methods.

I can't believe someone could actually be like this. It's appalling.

So I'm using this thread as a journal now. :)

I'm cleaning my room and noticing how messy he is. His drawers full of rubbish and dust. Dirty clothes scattered everywhere. All the years I've spent feeling disorganised and unable to get in top of "the mess". Has it been him all along?

And on the topic of making myself smaller and smaller over the years to accommodate his demands, even the space I had for my clothes was less than his! I barely had room to exist, and could never stay orderly and organised. I prefer minimalism and he's a clutter-er. Hoarder? Or just too lazy to put stuff in the bin?

I know some of this is just personal habits rather than out and out abuse, but why were his preferences always the first choice? And how did he manage to make me feel guilty for not doing it his way or even happy about giving up pieces of myself? It's like witchcraft.

I'm also enjoying poetry. Maya Angelou was a genius.

Well done OP