I have to leave him, don't I?

[MeltedEggMum]

Yesterday my husband attacked me.

We have had our ups and downs like all couples, nothing out of the ordinary I thought.

Before he attacked me we were having a good day, he was off work, we had the plumber in, everything was chilled.

I left to do the school run and came home to him feeling stressed because the toddler had made a mess of talc upstairs. I joked with him a bit to try to diffuse the situation but he suddenly turned nasty.

He grabbed me by the throat and slapped me around the face three times.

I froze. I couldn't believe it was happening. He walked away from me and as we went downstairs he threatened to do it again.

Luckily I had my phone on me and I called the police straight away.

They arrested him and he was given a caution late last night - he's staying with a friend.

There's no fixing this, is there? He's ruined everything. I'm still in shock. Yesterday morning I had a normal life.

Bitch isn’t really a break up song but I just love singing it!

Thanks Zoflora

No problem

Actually Waterloo isn’t a great choice but who can resist a bit of ABBA? I’m also partial to a bit of Dolly P and 9-5 whilst cooking tea. My dd pleads with me to stop singing quite regularly

What kind of music are you into?

I love this. (It sounds like she's saying in the chorus that she should put make up on and hide her pain - took me a couple of times to get she means the opposite - that's her mum's advice, but she's ignoring it).

Gotta have some Nina.

Sorry, should have said - that was 50 ways to leave your lover. Got it stuck in my head now...

This song rang true for me after a break up. It’s having been woken up and being catapulted into trauma which results in a new life that is full of possibilities and absolutely terrifying at the same time.

Wake Me Up
Avicii

Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can't tell where the journey will end
But I know where to start
They tell me I'm too young to understand
They say I'm caught up in a dream
Well life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes
Well that's fine by me
So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost
So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost
I tried carrying the weight of the world
But I only have two hands
I hope I get the chance to travel the world
And I don't have any plans
I wish that I could stay forever this young
Not afraid to close my eyes
Life's a game made for everyone
And love is a prize
So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost
So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost
I didn't know I was lost
I didn't know I was lost
I didn't know I was lost
I didn't know I was lost

It's impossible to not go through the next few months but you need to imagine a future for yourself where you are no longer dealing with him on a daily basis. You are the archetypal boiled frog OP and it will be ages before you find your own rhythm. It will happen though and you will be in a position where you will wonder why you stayed with him so long so good will your life be.

These little (though at times they feel huge) steps will lead you out of this and to a far happier place lass.

You're doing the right things for your children and you. Be rightly proud of yourself.

You're doing fantastic, OP

I am a great believer in music speaking to us at times like this. I'll add a few suggestions (some powerful, others sad but encouraging)

Stone Sour - Through Glass
Tom Rosenthal - Soon Soon
Pink - So What (it was in the charts when I left my ex :o)
Alanis Morissette - Hand in my Pocket
Crowded House - Four Seasons in One Day
Katy Perry - Wide Awake (and Roar)
Karine Polwart - Hole in the Heart

And any songs, artists, albums you used to listen to way back when perhaps before you got together, these are worth digging out on youtube/spotify. Brings a little bit of the old you back and reawakens something. IME.

Try this:

"This ain't a love song, this is goodbye" by Scouting for Girls

Or this
Alison Moyet: cry me a river
m.youtube.com/watch?v=zNsCQ60mgAs

Dunno about OP but I enjoyed that, nakedscientist.

Haven't had the chance to listen to these yet, but I will!

Been to see a solicitor. I asked about the locks, and she said I can legally do it, even though he is still on the deeds and should be allowed to access the property, but due to the circumstances there is a special court order I can file if he kicks off about it.

I have a few other things to do before I just have to wait for UC to come through and I can get legal aid. Divorce takes 6-12 months. Ugh. Another year of being tied to him?

And sorry for the other thread, I'm not trying to take over the board or anything. Just wanted fresh eyes.

You're an impressive woman, MeltedEggMum!

I hadn't noticed that you'd started another thread. I replied to it. My comment was basically "fucking tons of red flags. Get rid."

I expect the responses to both threads are encouraging you. You're not being unreasonable or oversensitive. He's a really horrible man and his treatment of you is inexcusable.

Just read your other thread. I’m glad you are examining his previous behaviour from the start. It will help you to understand and process everything.
His behaviour on the first date was unbelievable!

I saw your other thread first OP and found you now. You are an incredible woman to handle this as well as you have. Your children are so lucky to have a mother who is strong and can model what you do not put up with in a relationship.

You've got this. You're badass.

I'm interested in your comment Just wanted fresh eyes. Suggests to me that you were a bit thrown by the universal reaction to this original thread. Everyone said very much the same. He's abusive and you shouldn't tolerate it.

But he's worn you down over years. You don't trust your judgement and you're not sure about trusting a bunch of strangers on the internet either.

So you start another thread with a very different OP to see if people react differently. But they haven't, have they?

Am I right in describing your thought process? Whether I am or not, I hope the reaction to both of your threads will confirm in your own mind that ending this relationship is the best thing to do.

I swing wildly from doubting myself to being 100% sure. Plus this thread has been such a source of comfort to me I wanted some firmer, harsher replies too. The kindness and the forthrightness are both helpful in different ways.

My opinion from this thread and your other one is the same. He is an abusive dick.

It’s insidious though, it creeps up on you. An action, a comment then all normal. So you question yourself and minimise it. Until the next time. It’s the boiling frog analogy. It’s very clever how they do it.

You aren’t mad.
It was that bad.
You are capable, strong and you can do this.

It’s very clever how they do it It is - but I think it's clever in the way that termites building their nest are clever. What they produce may appear well planned, but it's instinct not a master intellect.

My ex was abusive. I'd never known anyone like him before and it took me a long time to understand him for who he really was.

He just couldn't help trying to exploit people. Just as I couldn't imagine relating to people as he did, he couldn't be like me if he wanted to. Sometimes people talk about abusers as calculated, but I don't think my ex was planning it as such. Instead it was a deep instinct - a twisted way of being towards others that ran so deep, he didn't know any other way to be.

It was the result of him being so badly treated as a child, no doubt. But it absolutely was part of his character it was inescapable. It had become his nature, to exploit and abuse. It did the people around him a lot of harm. It didn't do him much good either, but he couldn't help continuing to do it. He was very vulnerable in a lot of ways I think. But dangerous to be around. He'll never change.