I have to leave him, don't I?

[MeltedEggMum]

Yesterday my husband attacked me.

We have had our ups and downs like all couples, nothing out of the ordinary I thought.

Before he attacked me we were having a good day, he was off work, we had the plumber in, everything was chilled.

I left to do the school run and came home to him feeling stressed because the toddler had made a mess of talc upstairs. I joked with him a bit to try to diffuse the situation but he suddenly turned nasty.

He grabbed me by the throat and slapped me around the face three times.

I froze. I couldn't believe it was happening. He walked away from me and as we went downstairs he threatened to do it again.

Luckily I had my phone on me and I called the police straight away.

They arrested him and he was given a caution late last night - he's staying with a friend.

There's no fixing this, is there? He's ruined everything. I'm still in shock. Yesterday morning I had a normal life.

Honestly it is a process. There will be moments you doubt yourself but read back your posts when you do .

It will get easier . You will feel so much lighter in the future

@MeltedEggMum how he treats you is the only barometer, and he's quite frankly a nasty, violent c*nt. plus he seems to be unrepentant via the link about family therapy. As if it was a joint issue that he hit you, something everyone contributed to.

The most and best you can do is put a lot of distance between you. You sound very strong and like in your regular life that you are organised and confident. There will be dark before the dawn but you and your daughter are lucky to have each other and I am sure you will both be happier and better off without him, in time.

My brain is whirring tonight.

I am seeing our relationship in a while new way, almost all at once. He has been horrible to me for so long I couldn't even see it. I didn't have the language.

My birthday was last month and he took me to the cinema. We watched what he chose, though. I didn't even argue!

It’s normal to see things differently once you are out of the relationship. And to think OMG what was I doing? How could I not see that? Be grateful you are no longer stuck with this man. You should be very proud of yourself.

I've spoken to a social worker today.

I am going through the courts to sort contact and refusing all contact with the children in the meantime.

She said I've done everything right and that it was an extreme incident.

I'm glad people believe me and I'm glad he is living 40+ minutes away.

Be grateful you are no longer stuck with this man.

That feeling is growing stronger each day...

Hi @MeltedEggMum,

I'm so sorry this happened to you and just want to remind you that none of this is your fault. I think you have been courageous and a shining example to your children of standing up for yourself. Please be proud of yourself.

Once the dust has settled and the legal stuff is sorted out, you will be so much happier being yourself, without having to appease him, or living your life to suit his needs.

That feeling is growing stronger each day...

I'm so happy to read this. You are amazing and you will soar.

OP you are so strong.

Bloody hell, you’re doing so well

Keep going, you can do this x

Smart move speaking to social services. It’s a scary thing to do but they will be supportive as you have put your kids needs first.

I had their involvement years ago, they did a risk assessment for me which stated they deemed my ex to be an actual risk of harm to my dd and therefore only advised supervised access. Would they do something similar for you? It came in handy when organising access.

Luckily my ex accepted that and we didn’t need to go to court. He has 4 hrs a week. My family supervise rather than a contact centre but that would have been the other option.

Yes, the SW strongly hinted that it would likely be supervised contact. I've been passed on to a different team, the call was initial contact (the school referred us with my permission) and now I wait for a letter.

I've just been to the drop-in clinic for sexual health and got tests done for various STIs. I never would have dreamed of needing to do this a week ago, but now? Who knows. Even if (please when) they come back clear, I need to go again in three months to be sure.

You’re doing all the right things, OP. Please change the locks in your doors, because he may have got spares cut. I wouldn’t trust him an inch.

Early days but think about how the supervised access would be done. A contact centre is an option but they aren’t the nicest of places. I would strongly advise that you did not provide the supervision as this is just giving him the opportunity to further abuse you.

My parents do it and they are brilliant. Do you have a family member you would trust not to be intimidated by your ex? If there are no suitable candidates then a contact centre would be the best choice. It’s unlikely that social services will support long term unfortunately as they don’t have the funding.

And I agree with pp - change the locks.

Melted, I really don't have much to add except to let you know I'm thinking of you and to offer virtual ((((hugs)))) (don't care if it's "unmumsnetty") and my admiration.

Usually when women post about this kind of thing happening, the rest of us help (as I'm sure you've done yourself) by advising on how to protect herself and her DC.

But your instincts are brilliant. This is a crisis and my goodness you've stepped up to it. Your DC are so lucky to have you as their mother.

Dealing with the fallout will likely be draining, messy and awful. But, I have no doubt, however, you'll come out the other side stronger and able to fly without such a drain on your emotional resources holding you back, even if it wasn't obvious to you at the time.

Thank you. I read this thread several times a day. It really gives me courage.

I know he was draining me emotionally. Already the atmosphere at home is lighter, even with our sadness.

How are your dc melted?

Thank you. I read this thread several times a day. It really gives me courage.

I'm so glad it gives you courage. But you already had that courage. Your OP showed your steel and your decisiveness from the off.

To me this thread represents the very best of Mumsnet. Women (mostly) offering unstinting support and good advice, encouraging you to make a better, happier life for yourself and your DC.

They are supported at school brilliantly. I will be accessing therapy as soon as I can. We are up and down, but they are safe and they know that.

That’s really good that school are supporting them. You’ve never given your children a better gift than this. A childhood without fear. You are an amazing mum melted

"There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go 'head and sell me out and I'll lay your ship bare
See how I leave with every piece of you
Don't underestimate the things that I will do
There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch and its bringing me out the dark
The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love they leave me breathless, I can't help feeling
We could have had it all (you're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand (you're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat (tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
Baby I have no story to be told
But I've heard one on you and I'm gonna make your head burn
Think of me in the depths of your despair
Making a home down there 'cause mine sure won't be shared."

I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.

I always sing “I’ll lay your shit bare”

A bit of angry singing is a good healer

I need more options; I'm listening to this one on a loop and starting to get fed up!

Gloria Gaynor - I will survive
Meredith Brookes - Bitch
ABBA - Waterloo
Beyoncé - irreplaceable
Taylor Swift - we are never ever getting back together
Dua Lipa - new rules
Destiny’s child - survivor
Kelly Clarkson - since u been gone