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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have to leave him, don't I?

688 replies

MeltedEggMum · 03/05/2019 07:08

Yesterday my husband attacked me.

We have had our ups and downs like all couples, nothing out of the ordinary I thought.

Before he attacked me we were having a good day, he was off work, we had the plumber in, everything was chilled.

I left to do the school run and came home to him feeling stressed because the toddler had made a mess of talc upstairs. I joked with him a bit to try to diffuse the situation but he suddenly turned nasty.

He grabbed me by the throat and slapped me around the face three times.

I froze. I couldn't believe it was happening. He walked away from me and as we went downstairs he threatened to do it again.

Luckily I had my phone on me and I called the police straight away.

They arrested him and he was given a caution late last night - he's staying with a friend.

There's no fixing this, is there? He's ruined everything. I'm still in shock. Yesterday morning I had a normal life.

OP posts:
Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 06/05/2019 20:34

Cycle I dearly hope you can find safety and you don't end up in a violent situation. I'm getting very worried about you.

I am not quite sure what I want to do at uni yet, I feel like the plan is just barely forming in my mind and I don't want to scare it away like a frightened animal.

I'm realising that my so-called lack of organisational skills and feelings of overwhelm from every-day life are probably not something that originates inside of me.

My abilities and strengths have been in a stranglehold for so long that I don't think I even know what I'm capable of. I can do this. I know it.

OP posts:
DutifulDaughterWifeMother · 06/05/2019 21:41

Hi OP, firstly you are truly amazing as a woman and as a mother. You’ve shown that you won’t stand to be treated in this way and you have just shown your daughter that this is not acceptable. I have lived through dv with my own parents and being the one who would separate them & calmed my dad down to keep my mum safe. They stayed together lots of reasons he changed and as we got older we made it clear that we would not stand for him to even lay a finger on my mother. My brothers saying it involved shouting but when I said it I was cold I won’t lie and he said nothing. He asked me once when I had been married for 5 yrs and had my first child that if I had been hit by my husband what would I do and I told him he would be out of the house before he could even blink but my husband would never do that as he loves and respects me. I have been married for nearly 25 years and I can honestly say he has never shouted at me. In the coming days and weeks you will question yourself, feel weak but remember that your children will never have to go through that, have nightmares right into adulthood of their father beating their mother. You will now be a tight happy little family. It’ll be hard especially having to deal with him but remember you have a whole family on mumsnet rooting for you and are here for you always. I am in the midlands and if I can help you in any way pls dm me. Also if you want him to communicate via someone else so you are not receiving texts/calls/emails put that in place, that is one way of him not being able to control you. Any updates re the kids are all then via that person and you have an extra safety measure in place. I am so proud of you, you are amazing! Xx

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 07/05/2019 06:21

What do I need to do today?

Contact council for reduction in council tax
Contact school/council for free school meals registration
Ring HMRC to change tax credits bank account and inform change in circumstances
Make appointment with job centre? I already have a job but is this to apply for other benefits?
I already have an appointment with the health visitor for toddler checkup so I will tell her today and ask for help

Anything else? I am seeing a DV charity and a solicitor Thursday.

OP posts:
category12 · 07/05/2019 06:29

You should be able to apply for any benefits online without going into the jobcentre.

You sound so organised, you're ace.

Do you have any joint accounts?

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 07/05/2019 06:34

Oh that would be good. I'll check that this morning.

I have my own account where my wages go, and a couple of non means tested benefits go. Our joint account has his wages and tax credits. All major bills come out of the joint account.

I'm putting on my admin hat for this.

OP posts:
Starlight456 · 07/05/2019 06:58

Unless you are on income support or other qualitying benefits you don’t get free school meals in England . Different in other uk countries.

You sound very organised well done op.

Not sure if you have done so but worth mentioning to dc teacher what is happening.

Moofreemum1 · 07/05/2019 06:59

@meltedeggmum what about housing benefit? Worth a try to see if you're entitled?

category12 · 07/05/2019 07:06

In the medium term, you'll want off the joint account and all relevant direct debits going out of your own account.

(My ex was a shite and started a new overdraft in our joint account when we split, which I was then jointly liable for. And you can't be taken off joint accounts while they're in debit.) You can freeze it, but then needs joint agreement to release it, and all direct debits and his wages etc would bounce. So that's only for if he looks to be playing silly devils. If you're in credit and can afford your bills, I'd transfer them to your bank account and get removed from the joint. Otherwise hang on until the financial stuff is thrashed out a bit and payments sorted, but keep an eye on the joint account.

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 07/05/2019 13:27

I have an appointment with UC people tomorrow. All being well, I will have payment in 37 days - 13 June.

Trying not to worry.

OP posts:
Ineedacupofteadesperately · 07/05/2019 14:08

Melted wow, you're being so organised and brave and strong. I am in awe. You're doing all you can, you're doing so well. I can't give you advice (you have more answers than me for pretty much anything I suspect) - but I can give support. So know that I'm reading your story, being impressed and inspired by you. I hope as you sort more and more of the practical things, the worry starts to ease. Flowers

MelBurke · 07/05/2019 14:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Zofloramummy · 07/05/2019 14:53

You can get an advance on your UC. You have to pay it back over a maximum of 12 months but if you qualify for UC then you are entitled to it. Ask at you appointment tomorrow.

frazzledasarock · 07/05/2019 15:58

CAB will help with what benefits you qualify for.

Apply for CMS also.

Can you speak to your bank and ask them to ensure they do not allow any loans or overdrafts given your current personal situation with the other person on the joint account? I would follow up any conversation at the bank agreeing this with a letter with names of people who have agreed this.
If not, I would freeze joint accounts, first clearing out anything in the accounts. When you freeze accounts in my experience you can pay money in but nothing can be withdrawn.

Any child related benefits/credits you get have them paid into your personal account.

MrsMozartMkII · 07/05/2019 16:00

You're doing grand lass. Just keep going one step at a time.

nakedscientist · 07/05/2019 17:17

You are brilliant. You have a core of steel.

Don't ever take him back, it will be in no-ones best interests.

If he knows any of your passwords or PIN numbers, change them.

Make a diary of both practical items ( who you've called, dates if payments etc)and emotional feelings.. It will help you later if you waver or forget things.

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 07/05/2019 18:47

No, there is no going back.

I feel odd. On the one hand, not much has changed in any practical sense. He didn't help much with the DC anyway. He wasn't around much. I couldn't necessarily depend on him for help - I was never sure if he would deign to do so.

But knowing for sure that I'm the only adult around is overwhelming. And I don't want to write off the last two decades as a mistake, but it's pretty hard to avoid those thoughts, but that would erase my children's existence.

Plus I'm getting ill.

OP posts:
pointythings · 07/05/2019 18:50

It's normal to get ill after a stressful event. It's your body's way of coping. Just do what you need to get better and keep going in terms of detaching from your STBXH. You're a legend and a living example to women on here.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 07/05/2019 18:57

But knowing for sure that I'm the only adult around is overwhelming.

It is, at first, but you get used to it. I became a lone parent when DH died and at first it was very hard. You may find it easier in that your single life will be a big improvement on your marriage whereas obviously I missed DH desperately.

There are lone parent groups that arrange days out and get togethers if you fancy the idea. And you'll have time to see a lot more of your friends now.

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 07/05/2019 19:07

This isn't the life I wanted. This isn't fair.

OP posts:
Windygate · 07/05/2019 19:11

No you are right, it isn't fair but please stay strong, you will get there.

MrsMozartMkII · 07/05/2019 19:11

No it's not fair lass. It's one of the shit curve balls that life throws up.

You will get through this. It will get better.

AsleepAllDay · 07/05/2019 19:13

It's definitely not fair. But it is what has happened, and I hope that you have friends and family who can be around you for support. Nobody should have to go through this, I hope he is prosecuted and you can move on with your life.

There are good men and partners out there - I'm so sorry that he is not one of them

feska5 · 07/05/2019 19:41

Wow you are one brave lady. I am full of admiration for you. No words of advice just encouragement. I’m sure you will look back in six months and be so relieved and proud of what you have achieved for yourself and your children. Good luck. Stay strong 💐

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 07/05/2019 21:00

I still hope he isn't actually a bad person while at the same time being terrified that he is. I feel quite confused.

OP posts:
Zofloramummy · 07/05/2019 21:35

What makes a bad person? People can be capable of acts of kindness and great cruelty.

At the end of the day his actions toward you is the only thing you need to know. He could have killed you and was threatening to do it again. Who he is and what he does now with his life is his choice.

You made the right choice for you, your safety and your kids. Focus on yourself and on them. Don’t waste energy analysing him.