He's been having an affair....

[SadSausage44]

Hi
Can't sleep and don't know where else to turn...
After 14 years together and nearly 10 married My husband called me this morning and confessed to having an affair.
I came away to a friend's on Friday to give him some space and whilst I was out dancing he fucked her. He met her in early December. Now I know why he was so vile to me over Christmas and New year.
Turns out he met her at the end of the road in our local pub. The only reason I hadn't gone out that night is because I was feeling so ill because of the hormones I was taking for donor egg ivf.
He has destroyed me. He convinced everyone, his mother and me and best friend's that there was no one else and now he's had a breakdown and told his best friend who had a massive go at him and said I deserve more respect and that he had to tell me. So he did.
And now I feel sick. I cant eat sleep breath. He promised me there was no one else, I stuck up for him and his pathetic mid life crisis. He wanted space I gave it to him.
My whole world is shattered. I hate him. I love him. I hate her, apparently she understand him because she's been through a similar split 😂 she has two small children of her own and is young enough to give him the child he wants so much. I'm 45 this year so my time for babies is up.
What the fuck do I do.
Anyone been in this dark dark hole and managed to climb out?

It isn't going to last two minutes, is it, if he doesn't want to raise someone else's kids? OW comes as a package with them so he's stuck. Don't let him come back begging to be taken back, will you? He's going to end up a sad and lonely old man.

Hi
I hate myself right now.
I did the fucking pick me dance even though I knew it was so so wrong for me and my psyche.
I came home to talk to him and we ended up in bed.... which was incredible.
I told him we could work through this etc we went out and got drunk and had a kitchen disco.
The following day he freaked.. I asked him if we could work on our marriage he couldn't say he wanted to.
My friends absolutely insisted he had to leave, which he did..... and went straight to the OW house....
He had told me she was not relevant and it was nothing.... but every time I ask him to leave he goes to her.
I have just made an appointment at the Drs as I feel like I am having a nervous breakdown
Has anyone been through this and got through the other side I feel so alone my daughter is grown and I'm left in an empty house full of memories of our marriage, failed ivfs, I can't stop thinking about him with her and her kids.

Don't hate yourself. It's easy for others to tell you what to do and to know what you would tell someone else in the same position, but it's different when its YOUR emotions and feelings involved and you are in shock.

Just think about whether you want to be a second choice or an option to him, or whether you want and deserve to be someone's only choice.

If you decide to 'forgive' him (i'm not sure anyone can ever really and honestly forgive betrayal from the one person who shouldn't betray you) then the likelihood is that you'' always be wondering where he is when he's not with you, who he is messaging when he's on his phone and if/when he'll do it again. That's not a fun way to live op.

I know.
I refuse to be in competition with another woman.
I stupidly didn't think I was this weekend because he had been so dismissive of her and said they were done and he hasn't been in touch with her.

He's playing us both

I feel sick I have to get over this but I'm really struggling

Unfortunately I think he has proven that you can't believe a word he says. I can pretty much guarantee that he's told the OW a whole different version of your marriage and of you and you're right...he is playing you both and will continue to do so until one or both of you stop letting him.

Stop hating yourself OP.
We've done a bit of hysterical bonding.
But stop listening to his bullshit now.
Lesson learnt.
Get friends and family to keep you distracted.
Keep busy.
Block him.
You got this!!!

@OP

1. So, he's been having an affair since December. and
2. "He has put me through hell for years." yet
3. "I love him so much."

Wtf? You love a man who has put you through hell for years? I think you need to have counselling because that sounds like a very skewed view to me.

Holding onto some anger may help get you through a divorce but you will then need some counselling to help you get over the anger and move forward and trust again.

You sound as if you are in a state of total shock atm and I really feel for you. I think you are doing the right thing in divorcing him if he has treated you badly for years.

Google the stages o f grief, this links to all.types of loss, you are at the start of this journey.
No matter what anyone says at the moment you will of course want to be with him. you love him and no matter how bad things are love will pull you tohim.
Other people are right and anytime alone is going to need to be filled with family, friends, keeping occupied etc. It's hard when all you want to do is hide.
I am in a similar position to you and am going to ask my Dr for antid's again to lift the constant dark cloud. If you feel they would help you you should see your dr. Just to help you at the moment.
I know no words help the grief but remember you are not alone in going through this so so hard time x

Ah yes, crazy hysterical bonding when it looks like you might 'win him back.' I've been there and done that. It didn't work either.

Don't blame yourself though, it's no wonder that you're still attached to someone you loved who you were with so long.

Summer that's a bit harsh. It's really common to accept the 'scraps' from a previously good relationship when someone convinces you that you aren't worth as much as them (and having an affair is exactly that).
OP, there are bound to be setbacks and you recognise that. And continue moving on. You're doing fine, it just takes time.

Oh god, I feel your pain. In a very similar situation in some ways, I felt so broken for the last 8 weeks. But the fog clears in patches and you’ll find the strength, honestly. Talk and talk and talk about it, hear yourself deceive honestly what he has done. Write it down every day. Read Chump Lady, even though it hurts. If you need a buddy I’m here and would be happy to swap messages 💐

Describe not deceive - that’s his thing xx

Change the locks and make an appointment with a solicitor.

I’m sorry OP. You will get through this.

Relationships borne of adultery have a very high rate of failure, if that’s any consolation.

Nothing you have said about this man sounds like he is nice, perhaps good in bed but.....

Why do you want to be treated like this? Why do you want to be loved by someone like this? Why do you want to spend any more of YOUR precious future with him?

Even if he did come back you wouldn’t have the future you in your fantasy. That’s gone, by all means mourn that but remember he’s done this before to you and so that fantasy was just that.

That may sound brutal and I’m truly sorry that you are in so much pain but you are in control here and you control your feelings and future. Take that, grab it and hold onto it. He’s wrecked his own future NOT yours, he’s had your past, don’t give him any more x

Thanks everyone.
I'm writing things down.
I'm still breathing.
I spoke to him earlier on and he just wants to move on. We are over.
I have an estate agent coming over tom to value the house... the same people we bought it off 1.5 years ago.
I have spoken to my solicitor again and she just needs the marriage cert to start the ball rolling.
I need to go and find it and I want to puke 😭😭😭😭🤢🤢🤢

I think the fact he just sat and did his tax returns so coldly whilst you were going through this says it all. The other night was the last time, his bridges are burned now. Let him go to OW and her children that he isn’t bothered about, let the shine wear off and leave him stewing in his own vile juices. Because once something, whatever it is, hits him and he stops pulling the strings of people around him, he has some ugly truths to face or keep trying to block. I’d like to think that by then, you’ll be further on the road to a decent life without this depressing crap to carry. Take yourself off the options list for good now, as until you do he has nothing to miss.

Go for the jugular in any settlement. If you gave up your career to the benefit of his, you may be entitled to more than half the matrimonial assets. There is some case law on this.

Hope you are doing OK OP, stay strong

, OP.

1. He hasn't destroyed you.

2. You will be happier in the long run.

3. Get your life back on track-sell the house, get a job, travel (if you can afford)

4. I, personally, think you should have a wild fling with someone who makes you feel really sexy and beautiful.

From your previous posts, it sounds like you venerated this guy in many ways. Never venerate a man--they are rarely worth it.

Keep communications via your solicitors. You don't need him messing with your head anymore than he has done.

Good luck, OP.

So sorry OP, I posted this in the wrong thread (and I don't know how to delete it!!!) Big hugs to you though xx

@Lillygolightly.....great post.

@SadSausage44....my situation is a watered down version of yours - mine left last June and I did the pick me dance in October....we tried again but nothing had changed. I asked him to leave and he went straight back to her....who he had described as "too needy" and that he could "Never go there again" . Then of course as @Lillygolightly explained , the sheen wore off AGAIN and he's now wanting us to give it ANOTHER go. I have politely declined.

He now realises what he has lost but it's too late. It is so tempting to take him back as the alternative is scary....moving house, being single at 50 plus, sorting out nearly 25 years of our stuff. But deep down I know I can't get over it and it would just eat away at me.

For the first time this morning, I felt a bit excited about life again. It was a fleeting moment but it was there! And I was totally where you were. You can get through this.....like others have said, I promise you will.

He sounds absolutely insane. He has made your life a misery and you can bet your bottom dollar he has made the OW's life a misery too. His own life is a misery. The guy is drowning and he has brought you down with him.

I'm so sorry for your pain.

How's things today.

I'm sorry you are struggling. That is only normal. You are trying to hold on to what normality you can. Change is frightening.

Hope you got to see your doctor. Have a google for charities that do cheap counselling. This gave me a safe place to rant. And helped me figure stuff out.

It is hard because it doesn't make sense to you. You are trying to find reasonable cause where there is none. He is just a selfish arse.

They say a month for every year you were together. I'm 18 months or so down the line and feel ok now. I still get sad. I have to see ex to drop the kids off etc. But I have as little to do with him as I can.

I wished he wanted to work on things. And although I keep remembering the good times. He was a difficult and selfish man to live with. I always knew that. But tolerated a lot of things I shouldn't. For the sake of keeping the family together.

I'm feeling in a better place than I have done. Medication helped. Talking endlessly to friends. And having very supportive line manager. I'm starting to focus on me. Getting healthy and thinking about dating soon. Which is bitter sweet. But I'm not going to pine for him all my life.

As for ex. He is in a shared rented flat with ow/gf. I have finally been to the door and it is a dump. He has lost his job. His driving licence and has bailiffs after him. Eldest dc was no contact for six months. So it didn't pan out liked he though it would. It's sad because he was a better man than this. And has told me he wished it was different and he has lost everything that was dear to him.

Just take each day as it comes. And further down the line you will be ok.