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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's been having an affair....

156 replies

SadSausage44 · 29/04/2019 03:46

Hi
Can't sleep and don't know where else to turn...
After 14 years together and nearly 10 married My husband called me this morning and confessed to having an affair.
I came away to a friend's on Friday to give him some space and whilst I was out dancing he fucked her. He met her in early December. Now I know why he was so vile to me over Christmas and New year.
Turns out he met her at the end of the road in our local pub. The only reason I hadn't gone out that night is because I was feeling so ill because of the hormones I was taking for donor egg ivf.
He has destroyed me. He convinced everyone, his mother and me and best friend's that there was no one else and now he's had a breakdown and told his best friend who had a massive go at him and said I deserve more respect and that he had to tell me. So he did.
And now I feel sick. I cant eat sleep breath. He promised me there was no one else, I stuck up for him and his pathetic mid life crisis. He wanted space I gave it to him.
My whole world is shattered. I hate him. I love him. I hate her, apparently she understand him because she's been through a similar split 😂 she has two small children of her own and is young enough to give him the child he wants so much. I'm 45 this year so my time for babies is up.
What the fuck do I do.
Anyone been in this dark dark hole and managed to climb out?

OP posts:
Pinkmonkeybird · 30/04/2019 13:59

I echo all the others. You WILL get through this.

Also agree with some of the steps @QueenBeex suggested as they are what I did:

I deleted and ripped up all the photographs of us.
When I moved I did take some household stuff that I bought, but made sure I could inconvenience him as much as I could. I told him I needed the bed, but then gave it away on Freecycle! I bought a brand new one for myself and he had to sleep on a mattress on the floor until he could get another one. I did the same with the dining table and chairs (they were old) and the bedding. It might have been petty to do this, but the shit deserved it.
Totally blocked him on all platforms of social media. And her.
Told EVERYONE what had happened. Even the neighbours. Believe me some people think not telling people is keeping their pride, but I had unbelievable support from those that I told.
Talk, talk, talk to someone.
If you can't face him at all, get someone to mediate or to be your voice. You don't have to see him at all.

Ok, he might be getting a ready made family or have a child with her, but they have not laid a great foundation for a lasting relationship. One day it will implode.

I'm 6 months down the line from similar and feel grateful that he is out of my life. I'm in a much better place and life is good - I'm late 40s. Don't write yourself off. There is so much more that can happen in your life. Get the support around you and with small steps you will move on. xxx

Original poster
SadSausage44 · 30/04/2019 23:43

Hi everyone. I'm overwhelmed and touched by the amount of support complete strangers on the internet have given me.
I drove home like a mad woman today to talk to him face to face. I told him when I'd be back and he went out and left me hanging for 2 hours.... Wow.
Anyway the long and short of it is he isn't willing to work at our marriage (No surprise there he never has) he isn't willing to stop seeing her so I told him to go to her or his mum's or wherever and we are no contact.
I shit you not you lovely mumsnetters over the course of our marriage coming to an end he A. Fell to sleep in the armchair and B. When I said I'd go out to let him gather some stuff He asked me where the laptop was so he could do his tax return.
It's not enough that he fucked someone last Friday whilst I gave him the space he so desperately needed ....
Wow.
Just wow.

OP posts:
Original poster
SadSausage44 · 30/04/2019 23:46

Thank you for your love. Seriously this man has had me demented for months.
She can have all his shit now.
Btw he told me yesterday he's so gutted she has children as he has no interest in raising other people's kids.
Great start.

OP posts:
Dhalandchips · 30/04/2019 23:55

She's welcome to him! You are strong, you can do this. He doesn't deserve anything from you. Go wipe the floor with him.. good luck x

yowhatnow · 01/05/2019 00:07

Wow! He is..... something else.

Lucky you to be rid of this incredible waste of space!

I sounds like the blinders have come off after many years and you can't believe what you are seeing.

Onwards and upwards OP. You really deserve more.

Mustgetonwithit · 01/05/2019 00:17

Crikey! So he's no interest in ow's dcs?! Well you gotta laugh at that OP! She's in for a sorry awakening! Piece of shit all round by the sound if it. Yr well rid. Stay strong Sausage x

Silvanna · 01/05/2019 00:26

OP just remember "This too shall pass".

In relation to him and that woman... One word: Karma!!!

ExpatTrailingSpouse · 01/05/2019 00:27

I know it’s hard when you’ve just found out, but you need copies of all important documents, ID, passports, bank statements (proof of balances). Move half the family funds into your own account or he’ll empty them on you. Copies of his paystub to prove income. Copies of benefits documents from his work (mine tried to deny he had various benefits through work). Copies of pension statements (mine tried to disappear one of his pensions during the divorce). And so on.

It’s hard but it’s reality. One of my friends told me to move half the money when I found out about the affair. If I hadn’t I would have gone into serious debt during the divorce because once it started he immediately emptied the accounts down to 0. Even one that had $17 and some odd pennies.

WanderingTrolley1 · 01/05/2019 00:33

Him and this woman won’t last 5 minutes!

IncrediblySadToo · 01/05/2019 00:39

He’s the gift that keeps giving isn’t he!

He told you that he has no interest in raising other people’s kids...did you ask him if he wanted to have that discussion with your DD?

I really hope he’s given you enough reasons to forget ‘trying again’ when he realises what a complete wanker he us.

sausage1968 · 01/05/2019 03:28

sending you love sadsausage x x x

EmeraldRubyShark · 01/05/2019 08:35

Wow!

I know it’s cold comfort now, but when my ex left me he did it in such a dickhead cowardly way it kinda turned my feelings for him off in a split second. It’s annoying he’s acting like this but it’ll help you in the long run as you won’t pine after a guy you believe to be a good husband and decent respectful honourable man, you’ll be glad to be rid of such a silly twat and it’ll help your healing process. With my ex if he’d left me like an actual man and been kind and not disrespectful and cowardly I might have felt like I’d lost someone worth holding onto. But the reality was very different and I was over him within a week, after a three year cohabiting relationship.

HRMumness · 01/05/2019 09:12

Oh gosh, you poor thing. I’m just over two months down the road from a cheating “D”H. He walked out on me and our two children for his job (and the OW). Book that really helped me was “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” by chumplady.

I have found packing up all his stuff really cathartic (although did it twice because I stupidly let him move back in, in the hope of reconciliation - he moved out again two weeks later because he was “living a lie”). He has tried to do as much damage to me as he can on the way out, go no contact and don’t let him mess with your head.

Starting to see his true colours and what a weak, selfish excuse for a human being he is. I can’t wait to make a fresh start with my children far, far away from him — we are relocating to be close to my family, he has given his permission to do this as it means they will also be closer to his family.

MiaWoman · 01/05/2019 10:23

Hi,

I am so sorry this has happened to you. It is absolutely an agonising, excruciating pain and you feel you are running out of personal resources and you simply don't know what to do, I know.

What I can tell you is that thousands of women have had this pain and worst, and were able to overcome this- why not you? I believe everyone is strong enough to overcome this. You will be better, and stronger, in time.

Take your time now, don't make decisions about him- stay away from him, do what you like (hobbies, travelling, new hairstyle) and stay with trustworthy loved ones.

Also, a therapist would help. It does miracles with me (but it's truly a long-term commitment).

All the best,
Mia x

MrsMozartMkII · 01/05/2019 13:46

Bloody hell! He's definitely no keeper lass on any level.

MrsA111alone · 01/05/2019 16:00

I feel the pain in your messages. I am also in a similar position and no matter what people say the feeling of a brokenheart is agony. The fear of what is to come too. All I am doing is just holding on to a hope that one day the pain fades and you don't reminisce each day about how good it used to be.
Please just know you are not alone x

letsdolunch321 · 01/05/2019 16:18

It may not feel like it at the moment, you will be so better off without him in your life. It is exceptionally hard at the beginning. Take it a day at a time and but find the strength you never knew you had.

I have read of so many women on here who have come out the other side. Chin up and keep posting sausage 💐

S021 · 01/05/2019 16:31

Honestly sadsausage

From what you have told us I guarantee you will look back and realise he has done you a massive favour. I also predict they won’t last long, but that’s irrelevant xx

SunshineCake · 01/05/2019 17:03

I can't believe this. I am not troll hunting, I am gobsmacked someone can be so cold and dismissive. Has he gone now? To her? Won't last five minutes. I wonder if she hadn't told him she had kids…

lovinglifexo · 01/05/2019 17:11

he’s awful, ur so much better without !

Original poster
SadSausage44 · 01/05/2019 17:18

He didn't go to hers he went go his mum's... I only know because I called his mum this morning. I just needed to know.
I can't stop thinking about them together I want to vomit. She's giving him space because he says he can't go straight from our marriage in to another relationship. I'd like to know what the past 5 months have been. He stayed at her house 3 nights last week ffs and is shagging her. Strange way of having space. Hes now on a work trip and is coming back on Sunday. Prob to spend a lovely bank holiday weekend with her.
I literally want to vomit.
I told him no more contact yesterday as I will not be in competition with another woman aaaaargh I HATE HIM I HATE HER she knew he was married I cannot stop crying. I'd been telling him for months to be careful as he is having a mid life crisis and is vulnerable and the next thing he'd do would be to have an affair.... little did I know he was already having one!

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 01/05/2019 17:25

Sausage, I've sent you a PM. Flowers.

Ferfeckssake · 02/05/2019 07:42

What a scumbag. Keep remembering that.
So she is gaining a lying, cheating , deceitful guy who doesn't like her kids. Some prize.
And he is gaining what? A ready made family that he already dislikes. No wonder he is not moving in. Just brief visits . And all the hassle and shame of divorce . His shame , not yours.

But only time will make you acknowledge that you are better off . The love/ hate thing is so painful. So unfair that these guys bring this shit into our lives , but we have to deal with consequences.
And then to add to that is worry and concern for your daughter .
I am very sorry to hear about your pain - So many can empathise. Hope the suggestions on here will help somewhat towards your healing.
You WILL get through this and come out the other side. Please don't let this shit define your life.
You are so much better than thatFlowers

Grumblepants · 02/05/2019 07:58

I hope you are ok. I understand the pain of the betrayal. If you can hang on to your anger and use it to your advantage. Get divorced, redecorate the house or better yet sell up and start afresh! Focus on you and this exciting new life you have ahead of you. You are no longer going to be held back by that twat, your life is completely yours to do with what ever you want.
Good luck.

Orlandointhewilderness · 02/05/2019 08:08

So so sorry. I am thinking of you.

He sounds like a complete arsehole.

Be kind to yourself and try to start thinking about getting hold of relevant paperwork etc while he is away.