He's been having an affair....

[SadSausage44]

Hi
Can't sleep and don't know where else to turn...
After 14 years together and nearly 10 married My husband called me this morning and confessed to having an affair.
I came away to a friend's on Friday to give him some space and whilst I was out dancing he fucked her. He met her in early December. Now I know why he was so vile to me over Christmas and New year.
Turns out he met her at the end of the road in our local pub. The only reason I hadn't gone out that night is because I was feeling so ill because of the hormones I was taking for donor egg ivf.
He has destroyed me. He convinced everyone, his mother and me and best friend's that there was no one else and now he's had a breakdown and told his best friend who had a massive go at him and said I deserve more respect and that he had to tell me. So he did.
And now I feel sick. I cant eat sleep breath. He promised me there was no one else, I stuck up for him and his pathetic mid life crisis. He wanted space I gave it to him.
My whole world is shattered. I hate him. I love him. I hate her, apparently she understand him because she's been through a similar split 😂 she has two small children of her own and is young enough to give him the child he wants so much. I'm 45 this year so my time for babies is up.
What the fuck do I do.
Anyone been in this dark dark hole and managed to climb out?

What an absolutely terrible betrayal. I'm so sorry. Can't really add to the wonderful advice, but use this anger to fuel the divorce because the crushing sadness will come and you want to be as far along as possible with the divorce.

Expect to feel every known emotion and keep your friends close, you will need them

How dare he treat you so badly. What a truly selfish creep.

You WILL get through this.

😭😭😭
I want to go home.
I want to hold him.
I need this to stop.
Fuck fuck fuck.

I’ve been there lovely.

You can’t love someone you don’t respect.

He doesn’t deserve your respect.

Think of your family and friends who love you. Divorce him and don’t look back!

I'm not strong enough to do this.
I want my life back.
I can't stop thinking of him with her.
Fuck.

Im sorry OP I have been there and its horrible.

My exh and i were doing ivf and considering next attempt when he said over dinner in a pub so so casually, he couldnt commit to that as met someone else! It was the shock of my life!

After toing and fro’ing he wanted to be with her. So we split. I thought i’d never get over it i was 35 and we’d met when i was 17. Married for 14 yrs.

It was horrible at first but after a few months and with great support from my friends I started to feel better. Exercise helped that horrible emotional turmoil in tummy.

Years later i’m happy with new partner and son. Exh is alone as he and OW didnt last long.

Take support from your friends and get legal advise. It hurts like hell but just take each day as it comes.

You CAN do it but it is hard.
Stop yourself thinking of them together which is hard i know - its so so painful.
It is a bereavement and you are grieving

Just take it hour by hour if you have too

Tell him to get out of the house and take as much stuff as he can.

Gather people around you. Go to you gp and counselling for support. It won't make sense to you because he is a dick. And you are a good person.

Go as low contact as you can. My ex thought he could support me through our break up and be friends. Because that would ease his guilt. I cut him out there and then.

Journal your feels and thoughts. Don't be saying anything to him. I promise you in 6/12 months you will be glad you didn't send them

Get home. Move things around. New bedding. And start packing up his stuff and put it in one place. Garage. Airing cupboard. Spare room. So his things aren't all around you. It is quite therapeutic as you go through cupboards and drawers and keep adding to it. My ex said I was being pathetic. Actually I was in control and showing him I was done

There isn't a hurt like it. Please try not to torment yourself with thoughts of him and ow. She is welcome to him.

My ex said it was for the best. And we will all be happier. My eldest went no contact and is so hurt by ex behaviour towards them. He has eow with youngest. So sees kids for about 30 hours a fortnight. Lives in shared rented flat in poor circumstances. Loss his job. Friends etc. His life fell apart. Which is so very sad to see. But I'm grateful I'm on the sidelines and not part of it.

It's still sad. But 18 months on I'm ok. You will get there in time.

Hour by hour, op. That's all you can do right now. He's a vile cheating coward. You'll need to go for Sti checks too :( I'm so so sorry this is happening to you. The pain of it all will fade eventually given time, but the damage done is forever.

You have a wonderful, loving daughter and there are GOOD people around who want you.to come through this.

His own best friend was disgusted with him and forced this admission. Every one else will be feeling the same contempt. He is not worthy of you.

You can do this.

So sorry op sounds like a massive loss on his part

You can do this OP, for yourself and your daughter!
Good luck and keep posting if it helps x

I just found out he spent Wed Thursday and Friday night with her and has met her children.
I am broken.

Having affairs is an IMMATURE reaction to what life is throwing at you

So he feels less than a man because, infertility? Not liking the stress? - Go out and fuck someone younger.

Implement immediate boundaries and go No Contact. DO NOT make the mistake I made which was to chase him and cry and beg all over him and talk reconciliation (as the counsellor said 'he has just learned he can get away with it').

Be strong OP.

What you should focus on IMO is his COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE, ABUSIVE behaviour over Christmas whilst he was twisting his reality in order to justify what he wanted to do.

He demonised you so that he could change his morals in order to do something HE KNEW was bad. He dealt with the stress by running away. What kind of a man does this dishonourable sh*.

You focus on that? Refuse to have anything to do with him right now? NOT talk about the future?

You have a chance.

IF he has the character to face himself and change his behaviour, there is your clue to whether you have a future, because what's done is done. If he doesn't - divorce.

Your pain? I am afraid there is only one way through it, and that is through it. This is classed as PSTD traumatic. There is nothing that will ever hurt me as much as being intimately betrayed, and my life has not been easy. It's devastating.

One day at a time OP.

This will hurt so much, my love, and for such a long time. But you will come through it. And it is entirely true that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

We’ve been there and are here for you. MN stopped me falling apart and we can help.

For now, baby steps to get through the day but channel that anger and do not listen to his sob stories. He has behaved terribly.

Make sure you eat. I found small portions of different things the way to go - too much of anything and I just couldn’t bear it. Sleeping tablets from the GP and a solicitor before I had a chance to stop being furious.

Gather your friends around you. I found that an enormous help, and when people said “what can I do?” I wasn’t embarrassed to tell them - whether it was keeping an eye on the children, coming to my solicitor appointments, or just being on the phone at 11pm.

Hugs, and strength, to you.

Sorry, cross post.

So: he has done this before? (No they didn't meet to hold hands)

"Depression' to cover up what he is really doing?

You already know he is selfish, you mentioned selfishness in other parts of your relationship?

He has switched off his feelings for you like that, and met her kids?

Narcissistic abuse. File. You need therapy with someone who understands personality disorder.

He has done a number on you, and it is absolutely devastating to find out 'who they really are' and to get your personal power back away from the confusion, self blame and cognitive dissonance.

So sorry, Sausage. One day at a time and if you can't do that, one hour at a time. It really helps to be around other people who talk to you with respect and don't treat you like the gum on their shoe (job, hobby, sport). Look after yourself.

Another one saying utilise the anger you feel. It will help to get you through sorting out splitting everything. As PP said having an affair is a massively immature reaction to feelings of lack of power/anxiety/whatever tired old cliché he is experiencing. Grown ups should be able to talk about and address their problems. History will prove you the victor and that you are better off without him. I promise.

I've been there OP, like so, so many others on here. You're right, it hurts like hell and is horrendous but you WILL get through it and come out a better and stronger person.

The hardest thing for me was wondering why he turned to HER and not me for emotional support when I so clearly was there for him and loved him immensely.

This article (the bit about romantic affairs) really helped me to understand that it was about HIM, and not about me. HTH.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/articles/199305/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity

You will get through this op. You will.

It’s now first thing Monday morning.

Now matter how tired, wrung out & wretched you may feel as you read this, you need to take some control.

Find a specialist solicitor near to you on the Law Society website. Look for family law & then divorce as a subset.

solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/search/results?Location=&Pro=False&UmbrellaLegalIssue=LIUFAM

Ring now to book an initial consultation- find out what your rights are, can his behaviour (IVF with you & starting a new relationship with OW, & everything else he has been doing) be determined as unreasonable behaviours.

Your pain is raw. It's head wrecking trying to match the man you know to the horrible thing he has done.

Sadly betrayal like this is relatively common. That doesn't make it any easier for you, but likely you too will get through it. Tell yourself you will.

I second going to a counsellor to help make sense of all this.

Try and not understand him. You won't be able to because you are not capable of this betrayal so it will never sit right with you and make sense.

Re narcissistic abuse beng mentioned here, as usual, I personally don't see that. I see a man who was selfish and let you down in the most horrible way.

The reaction to a separation can mirror that of death, so keep your mental health in check above all else.

I hope you have supportive friends to rally around you.

Sending you love OP 💜 so many of the women on here have been through similar and lived to tell the tale. Right now you’re in shock, make sure you keep drinking water, eat something like a banana if you can stomach it, don’t drink as it’ll make everything feel ten times worse the next day, and try and just focus on survival. Reach out to those you love you as they’ll want to be by your side. Nobody can do or say anything right now to make you feel better. I am so furious for you at this man, what a spineless twat to cause so much hurt and act so dishonourably and disrespectfully to you.

Thank you for all your kind words.
I totally agree, the fact he has been spending hours talking with her about his problems whilst I was desperately trying to get him to open up to me and let me support him and love him is killing me.
And obvs the shagging part bleurgh

He simply doesn’t deserve you. That’s clear a mile off.

And mistress introducing her married man she’s been seeing for a few months to her young kids? Parent of the year right there. They’re on a similar level.

😂

It's new to you, but he checked out of your marriage a while ago.

If he was fully committed, going to the pub in December would not make him turn away from you as he did.

Grieve the marriage you had and be kind to yourself.