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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's been having an affair....

156 replies

SadSausage44 · 29/04/2019 03:46

Hi
Can't sleep and don't know where else to turn...
After 14 years together and nearly 10 married My husband called me this morning and confessed to having an affair.
I came away to a friend's on Friday to give him some space and whilst I was out dancing he fucked her. He met her in early December. Now I know why he was so vile to me over Christmas and New year.
Turns out he met her at the end of the road in our local pub. The only reason I hadn't gone out that night is because I was feeling so ill because of the hormones I was taking for donor egg ivf.
He has destroyed me. He convinced everyone, his mother and me and best friend's that there was no one else and now he's had a breakdown and told his best friend who had a massive go at him and said I deserve more respect and that he had to tell me. So he did.
And now I feel sick. I cant eat sleep breath. He promised me there was no one else, I stuck up for him and his pathetic mid life crisis. He wanted space I gave it to him.
My whole world is shattered. I hate him. I love him. I hate her, apparently she understand him because she's been through a similar split 😂 she has two small children of her own and is young enough to give him the child he wants so much. I'm 45 this year so my time for babies is up.
What the fuck do I do.
Anyone been in this dark dark hole and managed to climb out?

OP posts:
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 29/04/2019 10:06

I just found out he spent Wed Thursday and Friday night with her and has met her children She has appallingly weak judgement and boundaries. I'd say he's in for a rough ride Wink

sausage1968 · 29/04/2019 11:33

big hugs ...have you gone home yet!x x

hellsbellsmelons · 29/04/2019 12:01

I have no more tears to cry
Unfortunately there will be many more tears.
When you think you must be all cried out you will cry some more and then more.
It's a physical pain that so many of us understand.
He's a nasty, lying, cheating scumbag.
And as much as we all tell you now that it will get easier, you won't believe us.
But you will get through it.
It will take a lot of time.
It will take a lot of support from friends and family.
And you will need to look after yourself.
Keep hydrated and keep your sugar levels up.
I survived for weeks and weeks on sugary tea and ice lollies.
Anything solid just came back up again.
I'm so angry for you.
There are so so so many of these men out there.
But you are better than him - by a million miles.
Leave them to it. She will soon see the real him.
((((HUGS))) for you.

sausage1968 · 29/04/2019 15:59

sadsausage.....are you ok x x

notapizzaeater · 29/04/2019 16:17

It will get better - I know it doesn't feel like it can but it does and will.

ComeOnGordon · 29/04/2019 16:34

Another one who’s been there Sad I honestly thought at the beginning that my heart was broken - a very very similar story to yours.

It’s been 18 months now and there’s still lots of uncertainty about how the future looks but I am glad now I found out what a scumbag he is and that I don’t have to spend time trying to repair something that could never be repairable.

You can do this - I promise

Accountant222 · 29/04/2019 16:43

Chin up
Shoulders back
And take the bastard to the cleaners

looondonn · 29/04/2019 16:54

Do not have anything more to do with him

His loss

Head held high

What a waste of space

DBML · 29/04/2019 16:54

Op, the statistics are in favour of your ‘d’h’s new relationship failing. Once the excitement has worn off and they settle into mundane day to day life, I assure you that your husband will not be having the time of his life... particularly with 2 young children demanding much of the attention.
No, she will never be able to tryst him. Likewise he’ll know the extent of her morality. He’s made his bed and will come to lie in it.

Meanwhile don’t let him see you suffer. Instead let him see you thrive. Look good, feel good and enjoy your new found freedom. Do what you please, when you please...whilst he’s shackled himself to a new family.
You’ll come to feel better, while he comes to feel worse.
It won’t be easy op, I’ve watched s dear friend go through similar and it’s heart breaking that you even have to. But as you said, it’s not a decision you can make or change...so do the best with what you’ve been dealt and he’ll likely come to regret his poor decision making.

All the very best xx

SunshineCake · 29/04/2019 17:00

Flowers. You sound very strong but it's perfectly right that you were/are in turmoil.

It's heartening to see strangers pulling together to help someone is shock and distress. I wish I had that.

Take care.

DuchessofManchester · 29/04/2019 17:12

Op I'm so so sorry. Flowers
Try and box his stuff up if you can and put it in the garage/ where you don't have to see it. Tell him he has till tomorrow afternoon to collect or it's going to charity.
He needs to start realising his actions have responsibility. And please don't do the pick me dance when it all inevitably goes to shit and he wants to "try again"

Original poster
SadSausage44 · 29/04/2019 18:30

Hi everyone.
Thanks again for your kind words. Last night/this morning was terrible and you were a great source of comfort.
I think I will leave my friend's and go home tomorrow as I haven't been there since he told me about OW. I kind of need to see how I feel in the house etc.
Thanks again from the bottom of my (broken) heart x

OP posts:
friskybivalves · 29/04/2019 19:58

Can you, in your grief and anger, take comfort in knowing you have a wonderful DD who by your account loves, needs and cherishes her wonderful strong mother? Thanks

Original poster
SadSausage44 · 29/04/2019 20:44

Yes I can DD is a wonderful special human being x

OP posts:
friskybivalves · 29/04/2019 20:49

I think could you (both) try to focus on what you have - that fantastic and deep unconditional love between mother and daughter - rather than what you have lost? And in time perhaps you may come to accept that actually you have 'lost' something that is ultimately toxic and worthless and you are better off without.It's actually a victory of sorts. Easy to say/write, I know. Confused

stucknoue · 29/04/2019 20:54

Thinking of you. No affair here but not dissimilar otherwise, 26 years, multiple countries and I have no career, same age. I have kids but not able to have more so who would want me??? Sitting here with tears after another row

Inawholeofdoom82 · 29/04/2019 21:20

Thinking of you op. What a shit. Both you and your daughter sound amazing. Chin up. You'll get through this.

Opal71 · 29/04/2019 21:54

Sad sausage, I have a fairly good idea how you’re feeling. It’s 2 weeks today since I found out that my husband had slept with someone else. We have 4 children and have been together for nearly 30 years. He has been depressed and lonely, was flattered by someone who’s attention made him feel good. My feelings are all over the place. He says he loves me and wants to make it up to me. He knows it was an almighty fuck up and they are no longer in contact. 2 weeks on I’m less angry but just so, so sad. How could he do this if he loves me like he says he does. Can I ever trust him again? I don’t know. I hope that coming home helps you to begin to work your way through it.

Slimerecipehell · 30/04/2019 00:07

I promise you it will get better, feel shit, cry, ring friends, do whatever you need to do right now to get through each hour. But it DOES get better, everyone told me that and I wouldn’t believe them... they were right

happyhillock · 30/04/2019 00:26

I've been where you are now it hurt's like hell, the pain you feel is unbearable, i promise you it does get better, you have family and friend's who'll be there to support you.
Good Luck..

GodBlessTheBand · 30/04/2019 08:17

Not much to add to previous posts but just sending you lots of virtual support. The first weeks are the worst- the betrayal and deceit from someone you had total faith in are physically sickening. I’ve been there too (like so many others). H told me the week before Christmas that he had been having a 6 week affair with someone from work. Broke my heart into pieces.

There were underlying issues and we are trying to work through but it is bloody hard. And I’m still not sure I can, 4 months on. Please just understand that the anger and sadness you feel for the loss of your relationship is totally normal- please allow yourself to grieve and look after yourself x

Lillygolightly · 30/04/2019 10:14

@SadSausage44

I’m so sorry that you are going through this it’s so terrible Flowers

There are some tough times ahead for you, but also him which he absolutely and thoroughly deserves. I am going to tell you some things that I hope you can find comfort in in the coming weeks.

At some point your going to be sat alone and you’ll be sad, lonely and broken. Your going to be unable to help but imagine the picture of happiness of his life with OW and her children. Please let me assure you that the cosy family life you will be imagining him having is NOT what will be happening. Up till now their relationship has be all stolen moments and secrets and the lure of that in itself can be exciting. Now their relationship is out in the open exposing them both for exactly what that are. It won’t take long for reality to strike and before long whatever it was that he once found appealing about her will soon fade in to the background like a distant memory, blighted by a haze of her kids, distrust, regret and about a million complications.

Blending a family in such an instant fashion can only ever end in tears. She’s a bloody idiot for introducing a married man she met in the pub who was still with his wife to her kids!! I mean honestly who does that!!??Shocking!! It only going to be a matter of time before the shit hits the fan for him in that regard.

He will be a stranger in her home, the odd one out, the kids won’t respect him, he will have no grounds or footing to do anything but make himself try to fit. Because no relationship or bond has been built with the kids first it’s going to be like banging a square peg into a round hole, it just won’t go. He will try hard as well to make it fit, he has to, and why? Because he gave up you and your lovely life together to do it so he is going to be trying desperately to make it worth it. By the time he has given up and admitted defeat, you my lovely will have moved on and gotten better and living your life and just like you are now he will soon be wishing he never set foot in that pub and ever laid his eyes on her.

So just remember how ever much you might think or imagine he and her a riding off into the sunset together with her kids, that is not what will be happening. In fact I can pretty much guarantee it, and it would not surprise me at all if at some point I’m the future you find him begging to come back home. Don’t let the bastard back!!! He doesn’t bloody deserve you, and you deserve so much better than him.

Keep strong, you will get through this Flowers

letsdolunch321 · 30/04/2019 10:56

Day at a time OP

Hugs to you and your DD 💐

MrsMozartMkII · 30/04/2019 11:19

He's a shit, and she's no better.

She'll always be wondering if he'll be faithful to her. You, on the other hand lass, have a future that promises much happier times.

QueenBeex · 30/04/2019 11:38

op continue using this thread to get your emotions out, write whatever you're feeling, even if it only makes sense to you. In 5 months time you can re read this and you'll see how far you've came

you need to keep busy, it's when you stop and are alone that it hits you even more, spent as much time with your daughter as you can, meet up with friends for lunch, get stuck into a hobby

Get rid of anything that you have of him, pictures of him on your phone, delete them, crop him out. Looking at him won't help you heal. Photos of you together in your house need to come down, looking at them when you're alone at night will make it so much worse. Do you have a rug or chair that he brought because he loves it, if so get rid. It's little things like that when you walk into your house that you don't need to see. Tiny things bring back so many emotions

Think about all you've done in your life, not what you and him done, just what you done. Now remember you can still do all that and so much more

You will move on and you will be happy again, no not tomorrow, not next week and probably not the week after. But it will happen, and when it does you'll be so surprised reading this back at how much you've over come