Forced to spend insane amount on wedding..Should I marry him? Feeling torn.

[sakurawarrior]

Ok, this is going to be a long post so I need to apologise - but I want to explain as thoroughly as I can. I'm not a mum but I wanted some sensible advice.

I'm in my late twenties. Four years ago I met my bf on the internet. After a year of a long distance relationship, I emigrated to the country he was living in to be with him. I know, that sounds nuts. A huge step. Needless to say, I was infatuated with him.

My history - Before him, I had two previous relationships. The first one when I was 16. I suspect now he was personality disordered. He 10 timed me and beat the shit out of me, then impregnated a married woman 20 years older than him. Needless to say, that damaged me and it took a year or two to recover. The next relationship lasted 5 years. I left him in the end because he kept binge drinking, slapped me across the face when I asked him to do something and a few other abusive incidents (he wasn't a complete psycho like the last one but less than perfect).

So anyway, back my present bf. He is Asian and thus came with some cultural baggage. His parents live in his home country and always expected him to have an arranged marriage. After we'd been together several months he told them he met me and he wants to be with me. They were extremely upset and disapproving and came up with a whole litany of reasons why I was a bad idea - I wouldn't be understanding of their culture, I would divorce him after a couple of years, I didn't hold a masters degree, my degree subject wasn't prestigious enough, westerners have no morals or values, we wouldn't suit each other... on and on it went.

He told me that he would stay in a relationship with me as long as possible, but couldn't marry me without their approval. He said the shame his parents would face would ruin their lives and the people around them would bully them and gossip making their lives a misery. He said we could only marry with their approval. But if by the time he got to 29 years old the social pressure to marry is too great, and if they didn't accept by then he would be forced to leave me. Of course, I hated this, but I tried to understand from his perspective because I loved him so much.

Fast forward two years and they have finally accepted with a condition. The wedding has to happen according to their customs, in their home country, and me and my parents must contribute to half the costs, which would come to an insane 20 grand. They will not compromise on this and bf has said he will leave me for an arranged marriage otherwise. Me and my parents could scrape together this amount of money but it just seems so wrong to spend this much on a wedding and to be forced to, as well. bf said his parents are compromising so much as they don't want me as a DIL at all, so now me and my parents need to compromise with spending the money and doing it their way.

I'm so conflicted I feel torn up inside. I feel like I don't know what to do anymore. My dad suggested that the money should be used as a house deposit instead of a wedding, and his parents got really offended by this, saying it's not about the money but about carrying out all the customs and traditions, and spending that amount of money is the only way it can be done.
My dad also thought I should ditch him on the principle that he would ultimately leave me if things came to that. There's a part of me that feels he is right, but I also have to understand my bf and his parent's POV. Holding some many conflicting views in my mind and so many shades of grey is driving me insane, frankly.

I've been reading through some of MN posts and I see the tendency to advocate leaving the relationship rather than staying. Honestly from the start our relationship has had huge strain because of these problems and my MH has naturally taken a hit. I've seen a number of therapists even one from his background - they didn't have an answer about the culture thing but said he is bordering emotionally abusive to me. (If he is annoyed at me he tends to give me the silent treatment, not at all great and the one problem in our relationship apart from the marriage issue).

I want a fresh perspective on this all. I don't know what to do. Any advice greatly appreciated. Tysm if you made it through this post.

Run away! Don't look back. This is not right for you. You are being tested to find out how broken you are - will you abandon all self respect and sacrifice any hope of happiness for him and his demanding parents? Do they have complete control of your will?

If you go ahead things will only get worse. Just stop.

You need a few years living without a man in your life, developing your self-esteem and the skills to recognise the features of a good positive relationship.

People who have been damaged and abused in a previous relationship are often vulnerable to being picked up by other abusers who have learned to recognise their vulnerabilities. You need to learn to recognise them yourself before you have hope of a healthy relationship.

You don't live in the same country now but they are exerting their will over you and your bf is doing nothing to stop it. Who says he'll stay happy living in another country and wont want to move home and live with his parents soon after the wedding and you'll be forced to go along.

Just what I was going to say. They’re not there now but calling the shots.

Get out now.

To be honest, respect for parents is one thing but if he is putting their needs above yours then I'm concerned how he will treat you going forward. I live in an area over half Asian and have many Asian friends, they wouldn't touch a guy like that, a mummy's boy. You and your parents traveling to India and them throwing a party and ceremony is far enough, but the demand to pay for a lavish 4-5 day event none of your U.K. friends will make us just a symbol of the imbalance in your relationship and a major issue in the community, where men still think they call the shots.

My suggestion is you give him a compromise, you legally marry in the U.K. perhaps in a registry office with a relatively simple reception then you all fly to India and you will contribute £3-5k towards a shorter series of wedding events, skipping the bride events because "they were in the U.K." (to save embarrassment of his parents). It's really common to have split international weddings with perhaps just the grooms reception traditionally the last event in India

I don't have time to find a mystical, perfect man with everything just how I want

Yes, you do..you are crazy to marry for this reason. Loads of time to marry and have children with the right person.

Love your own self for a change.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. 29 is not old and you should not settle just because you think wrongly as it turns out you're in the last chance saloon. I do not think also despite your protestations to the contrary that you've ever fully recovered from their abuses of you either, you're nowhere near.

What and where are your boundaries here?. Your boundaries in relationships, already far too low to begin with and now further damaged by these two previous abusers, have further gone south because of this man now. This man targeted you also just like the other two did. Giving you spaghetti head is par for the course for such an abusive man like the one you are with now.

You have basically gone from one abusive relationship to yet another one and now this third one is abusive in nature. This current relationship also has disaster written all over it and if you are fool enough to go ahead with this wedding either he will leave you for non compliance or you will be divorcing him. Its never going to work out.

I'm sorry, but why do their customs and traditions get to trump yours? Bugger that for a game of soldiers! And you say it's only the wedding happening in their country, you won't be living there... But what if that becomes the next stipulation? "I can't have kids with you unless we move in with my mother" etc etc. It will go on and on.

You’ve lost your sense of perspective. “He’s kind, mostly” is not enough to form the foundation of a happy marriage against this backdrop of him saying things like he will leave you if you and your folks don’t pay 20 grand for a wedding. I really think that a pp’s example of how it would look if it were your white family insisting on a wedding to a black African man that erased all aspects of his culture because it was shameful to them.

Late twenties is nothing. You have been unfortunate enough to have had a few crap relationships and so you don’t actually know how a good one can/should feel. Trust me when I say it is nothing like this. A good relationship will not feel like hard work. And I am not talking about this big “cultural” issue- you could still have cultural differences and a good relationship. But it is clear as day that this man does not treat you well.

Look, you don’t have to cut if off dramatically and write the whole thing off as a nightmare you wish had never happened. You can still treasure the memory of the good times you have had. Hopefully living abroad together in this other Western country has been fun and you’ve learned a lot. Maybe your career has benefitted too?

Just accept that it’s run it’s course and better for you to go your separate ways. This happens ALL THE TIME and you will get over it. You have a decade to start a family with someone new.

My pre-DH relationships were a mixed bag. With one emotionally abusive guy in my early 30s I honestly couldn’t see the wood for the trees and was all-consumed for years. I have barely given him a thought in 10 years. I met DH at 38, we have a beautiful DS and life is easy and good. You can find this and do deserve it.

Please, please OP, it’s great that you can talk to your parents and they are supportive, so listen to your Dad. Be strong and good luck.

They would be pocketting 20g for a 2g wedding and that is the least of your problems!
Come on OP. FFS why would you even consider this?
Please access the freedom programme. You are worth more than this.

You have plenty of time to find the right person, you really do. What you DON’T have time for is to spend years in the wrong marriage and have kids and a custody battle.

Oh boy. This entire thing is a disaster. Listen to your Dad and cut your losses and go home.

He absolutely is being abusive towards you and so are his parents. I know it is PC and good to respect all cultures and diversity and all that but many fail to realise that some people in other cultures simply do not think like the average rational person. His parents have zero respect for your and your culture and treat you like poo on the bottom of their shoe. They simply do not think like you. His parents seem to think of a future DIL as an asset and not a person. How much really does your bf know about love if he has been raised like this?

I don't care what culture it is, you don't have to tolerate abuse of any kind even if it is hidden as cultural or religious.

I almost have to wonder if this is not some elaborate long game scam by him and his parents to extract $20,0000 from your parents?

No one here can see any good to come from this. Cut your losses and go home. Then do the freedom programme and get some counseling to learn how to avoid these losers.

He is kind, mostly. But not perfect. I understand your point but I feel like I don't have time to find a mystical, perfect man with everything just how I want

A man who threatens to leave you if you don't stump up 20 grand you don't have is not mostly kind. Nor is one who gives you the silent treatment . That is a man who is nice only when he is getting what he wants.

A man who treats you as an equal in your relationship is not some mythical thing that no one really has. It's a bare minimum.

A man who sees you as an equal partnership in marriage will stand by you if his family are judgemental if your culture and background. He will love you just as you are.

Your dad is standing up for you. You can stand up for yourself too.

There is always time to walk away from abuse. You are plenty young enough to find someone who treats you properlyand have children with them if that's what you want.

Please come home and take a break from this relationship. Get some counseling. Your self esteem sounds at rock bottom.

Once you've walked away, maybe your partner will realise he's been a dick and respect you for it Maybe he'll go for an arranged marriage. Either way you'll be ok. But you need to stop putting yourself last. It attracts selfish and manipulative people and gives them permission to treat you badly. You deserve to be treated with respect, the same as everyone else. That's not a myth. You are actually worth it

I don't say this to insult you but have you ever had a length of time not in a relationship? I get the sense from your OP that you have bounced from one unhealthy relationship to the next.

There is something very empowering about spending some time building yourself up and putting yourself first. You shouldn't have to change everything about yourself to be in a relationship, which it sounds like you are having to do for this man. If he loves you he loves your western outlook/upbringing too so why is he allowing his family to squash that out of you?

I have a friend who married someone from Japan and they had two weddings, one here and one in Japan and both weddings reflected both countries and cultures because the weddings were a reflection of the couple. This is how it should be. Everything in your relationship sounds like it's on his terms and you will lose any sense of your own identity pretty quickly.

Has one person on here said you should marry him?

I don’t think so.

Are you going to listen to us and leave him?

Do not let your parents pay for what will be a ridiculous wedding and a disastrous marriage.

Honestly, enjoy being single and start dating again. DONT MARRY HIM.

This looks like a road to misery

My sister was with a guy from India for a few years. He always used the 'cultural' excuse for his knobbish behaviour even when it was clearly bullshit. The example that sticks in my head was him saying it was OK to use prostitutes in India because that's what all his friends did/it was the culture! Oh, and he never washed up or tidied because he'd got used to the servants doing it when he was growing up!

Because she was in love my sister used to make the 'cultural' excuse for him when we brought up his bad behaviour, even after he'd been in the UK 5 years. Thankfully she left him but having seen her, an otherwise intelligent and sorted person, buy into his bad behaviour on the basis of 'culture' I can understand better how it is hard for you to see that he's actually just a knob.

I appreciate that this is an anonymous message board but the unanimous response you're getting is correct. I know you love this guy but don't dismiss the responses. You know something isn't right, hence asking for advice. Listen to us all and leave him. You're young, you've got years and years to sort your head out and meet someone better.

I seriously question what you are being told about your husband's family experiencing dreadful social humiliation if things aren't done their way. If that were really such a worry, they wouldn't be countenancing his marrying you anyway. The fact that their worries will be overcome by the injection of a very large amount of money speaks volumes. If your boyfriend really loved you he would be happy to go along with your cultural norms, and would not want to take all your parents' money for the sake of entertaining a load of randoms at an expensive wedding.

*Gives them permission "in their head" to treat you badly. Obviously not real permission. No one gets that.

Load of people marry people from other cultures but you compromise, you don’t give ultimatums and make demands.

And when you are in a really with someone, you consider them and what they want. In matters such as what to have for dinner and when deciding how to get married.

What did you say when your partner told you that unless your parents capitulated to his families absurd demands he would marry another woman (to be decided at a later date by his parents)? Can you see he will use this threat again and again?
I think the only chance you have to remain in this relationship (and I wouldn’t want that if I were you) is to take full control now. Leave, return to the uk, come up with a list of wedding/marriage demands. I would start with £25K house deposit given to you to buy a house in your joint names in the UK as security for you. I would also list demands around house work, child care, future distribution of income, he cannot take any dc abroad alone etc. See how he reacts. If he blinks tell him you’ll marry someone of your fathers choosing. Take the reins and how he reacts will tell you a lot.

Leave him, have more therapy but use it 5o explore why you seek damaging relationships.

This wouldnt end at the wedding, as PPs have said, this is only the start. He and they would always have control over you. You would be the only one compromising/putting yourself out here. Next it would be where you're allowed to live, what you're allowed to wear, when you're allowed to have children, how to raise them.

It shouldn't be this complicated!

Have you posted about this guy before?

Yes I want to marry him and start a family. He is kind, mostly

Why on earth would you want to start a family with someone who is only kind 'mostly'. Giving you the silent treatment is nasty and cruel. If he does that to you while you are still meant to be in the 'honeymoon' stage of the relationship think how he will be later on. If he treats you like this he will likely also treat your children like this. How will you feel when he gives your children the 'silent treatment'??? Are you ok in the knowledge that this is what YOU are choosing for them.

You might love him OP but it sounds like this situation is not and will not make you happy. I know it's easy for me to say as a stranger on the internet but I would let my head rule over my heart on this one. Don't condemn yourself to misery.

Whatever the culture, his parents are racist bigots and controlling. He has to choose you or them on this. Either you have a reasonably priced wedding or none at all. If he won't fight for you on this, he will never stand up to his parents and he will allow you to be badly treated by them always. Give him an ultimatum. I have a feeling he will side with his parents and you should then LTB.

He is kind, mostly. But not perfect. I understand your point but I feel like I don't have time to find a mystical, perfect man with everything just how I want

OP this speaks volumes. You’re worried that you’re running out of time. You’re not, honestly - millions of women find the man of their dreams in their 30s and go on to have beautiful children in a happy, loving, respectful relationship.

You don’t need to find the ‘perfect man’; just start with one that isn’t a complete cunt.

First though, you need to disentangle yourself from this relationship and figure out what YOU want in life. Travel, retrain, get a fulfilling job and some fun hobbies. Get some friends to go on long walks with and have boozy lunches with. Don’t even think about a relationship for a while.

I would really recommend the Freedom programme.

I think you need to get out of this relationship, focus on yourself and seek therapy. Your relationship history for someone in their late twenties is worrying. You need to find a way to be in relationships without being the inferior party. I don’t say that to be mean or kick you while you’re down, but because you deserve happiness and not the misery that yet another damaging relationship is clearly going to bring you.