Forced to spend insane amount on wedding..Should I marry him? Feeling torn.

[sakurawarrior]

Ok, this is going to be a long post so I need to apologise - but I want to explain as thoroughly as I can. I'm not a mum but I wanted some sensible advice.

I'm in my late twenties. Four years ago I met my bf on the internet. After a year of a long distance relationship, I emigrated to the country he was living in to be with him. I know, that sounds nuts. A huge step. Needless to say, I was infatuated with him.

My history - Before him, I had two previous relationships. The first one when I was 16. I suspect now he was personality disordered. He 10 timed me and beat the shit out of me, then impregnated a married woman 20 years older than him. Needless to say, that damaged me and it took a year or two to recover. The next relationship lasted 5 years. I left him in the end because he kept binge drinking, slapped me across the face when I asked him to do something and a few other abusive incidents (he wasn't a complete psycho like the last one but less than perfect).

So anyway, back my present bf. He is Asian and thus came with some cultural baggage. His parents live in his home country and always expected him to have an arranged marriage. After we'd been together several months he told them he met me and he wants to be with me. They were extremely upset and disapproving and came up with a whole litany of reasons why I was a bad idea - I wouldn't be understanding of their culture, I would divorce him after a couple of years, I didn't hold a masters degree, my degree subject wasn't prestigious enough, westerners have no morals or values, we wouldn't suit each other... on and on it went.

He told me that he would stay in a relationship with me as long as possible, but couldn't marry me without their approval. He said the shame his parents would face would ruin their lives and the people around them would bully them and gossip making their lives a misery. He said we could only marry with their approval. But if by the time he got to 29 years old the social pressure to marry is too great, and if they didn't accept by then he would be forced to leave me. Of course, I hated this, but I tried to understand from his perspective because I loved him so much.

Fast forward two years and they have finally accepted with a condition. The wedding has to happen according to their customs, in their home country, and me and my parents must contribute to half the costs, which would come to an insane 20 grand. They will not compromise on this and bf has said he will leave me for an arranged marriage otherwise. Me and my parents could scrape together this amount of money but it just seems so wrong to spend this much on a wedding and to be forced to, as well. bf said his parents are compromising so much as they don't want me as a DIL at all, so now me and my parents need to compromise with spending the money and doing it their way.

I'm so conflicted I feel torn up inside. I feel like I don't know what to do anymore. My dad suggested that the money should be used as a house deposit instead of a wedding, and his parents got really offended by this, saying it's not about the money but about carrying out all the customs and traditions, and spending that amount of money is the only way it can be done.
My dad also thought I should ditch him on the principle that he would ultimately leave me if things came to that. There's a part of me that feels he is right, but I also have to understand my bf and his parent's POV. Holding some many conflicting views in my mind and so many shades of grey is driving me insane, frankly.

I've been reading through some of MN posts and I see the tendency to advocate leaving the relationship rather than staying. Honestly from the start our relationship has had huge strain because of these problems and my MH has naturally taken a hit. I've seen a number of therapists even one from his background - they didn't have an answer about the culture thing but said he is bordering emotionally abusive to me. (If he is annoyed at me he tends to give me the silent treatment, not at all great and the one problem in our relationship apart from the marriage issue).

I want a fresh perspective on this all. I don't know what to do. Any advice greatly appreciated. Tysm if you made it through this post.

If he loved you, truly loved you, then he wouldn't be pulling the shit that unless you can do xyz he'll marry someone else.

If he truly loved you, faced with you not being able to completely meet his parents demands, he'd be trying to find a way round them.

If he truly loved you, he'd not consider losing you acceptable.

He considers losing you acceptable and preferable to his parents being embarrassed. Has there been any discussion about your feelings, or does he agree with his parents that your feelings don't matter?

If he loved you, he'd care about you.

Leave, go back to the UK. Tell him you don't think he does really care about you and that's no way to start a marriage.

If he loves you, he'll try to save his relationship with you. If he starts threatening to marry someone else, let him go. A man in love doesn't just accept losing the woman who is his whole world, he should be broken by losing you, do you think hed be broken or just shrug and get on with his life with the next woman?

Book a flight. Come home. Starting again in your late 20s is better than throwing away the next 40 years with a man who doesn't love you.

Sorry OP to respond again but this has really riled me:

Is it really controlling and abusive? I think it's difficult for us to appreciate the cultural pressures on their side is huge. I explained in my OP that his parents would experience utter social humiliation if things aren't done in a certain way. He doesn't want that to happen to them, that's why he is seeming "controlling".

Nope he is CONTROLLING and ABUSIVE just using culture as his get out clause. Like many men use their past shitty relationships to explain their abuse. He is basically saying 'you must do this, I don't agree with it but it's my culture' he's just blaming his parents, so he comes across as blameless and nice.

Sorry but as someone who was born into the culture, and fully understands the pressures, he is a complete and utter dick. PLEASE LEAVE.

Do not have children with this man.

It will lead to years of heartache.

I'm shocked at how everyone thinks I'm being abused

I'm glad you're shocked OP, now start taking note FFS

Look at the situation objectively OP. Pretend this woman is your sister or your daughter

She has been in two abusing relationships, in which she was beaten and cheated on.
Soon after, She then meets a man living abroad and she flies out there to be with him.

Things are mostly Ok, she tells you things like his parents are really controlling and don't likeher.
He sometimes sulks for days not speaking to her.
Now she's talking about getting married to him. One of the reasons being she thinks she's getting too old. Another reason being that he is approaching 30 and had told her, if we don't get married soon, he will leave her for anybody else that will marry him.

Still happy for your sister to marry him?

It gets better, the parents have told her that your parents have to pay for half the wedding. Otherwise he will not marry.
And this is the "only" way she can be accepted.

You sister says "it will be fine" we don't live in the same country. They can't possibly interfere anymore. I mean it's not like they exerted their will in me entirely, if course they'll keep quiet when it comes to my job...my kids...where I live....what I do....I mean they wouldn't possibly be controlling now, would they?

And she tells you that her future husband is mostly kind. MOSTLY KIND.

She seems to think everything will be fine, because she loves him. Despite the emotional blackmail, the controlling parents and the threats.

Dies that seem like something you would merrily support? And give your blessing to?
If this was YOUR daughter, would you go "OK darling here's£20k, marry that man"

You know there are other (nice) men out there? There is nothing special about this jackass. Get some self respect OP

It seems that you need to take stock and take some time away. I get cultural pressures but by marrying you it's a mix of culture and they are not respecting that. And, to be honest, if your partner won't back you up at all then that is a red flag.

You said about not having time 29 isn't ancient, you don't have to settle.

Fly home for a bit and postpone. What you want out of this relationship is just as important as him.

You know there are other (nice) men out there?

Another man is the last thing the OP needs.

She needs to fall in love with someone- herself.

You would be insane to go through with this. He is not committed to you. He has threatened to leave you for an arranged marriage if you don’t pay up £20,000. You know it isn’t OK or you wouldn’t be asking strangers on a forum for an opinion.

As PP have said it sounds like you are going to go through with this anyway. If you do make sure you have stashed away the plane fare to escape home because you will need it. I would also give your passport to your parents for safekeeping. They can bring it or post it to you when you need to get away.

I guess...wood for the trees on my part?

People are just reacting to what you have said honestly. That everyone is basically telling you to run like heck hopefully will mean you will take heed of their advice.

I would worry about any children. I think they would expect them to be brought up in their culture only, with his mother taking the lead (over you) on their upbringing. You might also have problems with coming back to your home country with them for visits or if it goes tits up.

My DH sent me a card when we were dating that says "I'd slay dragons for you (well perhaps not slay them, but I'd certainly verbally abuse them on your behalf)". A good marriage has to be a partnership, you and him against the world, because you will come up against adversity. If even in this honeymoon stage he won't put you first the relationship is doomed. He will leave you if you don't do exactly what his family want - that tells you everything you need to know.

I don't think you are going to get a single response on here telling you that marrying this man is a good idea. It is obvious to us all that you are being emotionally abused. Your partner does not love you as much as you love him. In fact i don't think he loves you at all, he merely wants someone he can control. Walk away now with your head held high and find someone who will be your equal partner in everything. It is not too late, you are still young.

I'm an Asian but I am a Muslim so spending that much on a wedding would probably be a sin as there are so many poor people in the world to feed and clothe and that is our priority rather than spending on ourselves. So I guess he is not a Muslim but just the Asian culture which even Muslims adopt but it isn't a good thing and gives the wrong impression of Islam. That is a ridiculous amount of money.

A lot of Asian culture is very bad. Parental control etc is a thing but slowly going away but it could be that once you marry and have your freedom you will be able to cut away from that control HOWEVER this guy is being so rude to you and threatening you with an arranged marriage etc that he is clearly showing signs of abuse. Abuse doesn't have to be physical. So walk away quickly. It's absolutely not on. My marriage was a simple intimate wedding with hardly any money spent and I had the best day but I am someone who follows my religion and not backward culture (luckily my parents have shed a lot of culture off after learning about Islam properly rather than being a Muslim by name) but also we would never spend such crazy amounts on weddings anyway. Although people do in all cultures.
He is threatening you. Someone who loves you does not threaten you. Whenever I feel lost or unsure, I always pray to the one God to take me to the right path and keep me there. That way I am led to the right decisions and not bad ones. Forget worrying about what their culture dictates it's a load of nonsense.
Asian culture (not religious culture) varies from place to place too. I know of one Asian culture where the girls family has to buy all the furniture. Another culture they have to buy lots of gold etc etc. It's not just because you are white. Some Asians have crazy expectations. I prefer following my religion which is a simple wedding which doesn't cost much and adopting the parts of culture that do not conflict with my religion eg Asian clothes are fun to wear at times.
Anyway I'd say leave this relationship. They are taking advantage and pray for a better husband. You will get it if you believe you will and hopefully these people will learn a lesson.

But if by the time he got to 29 years old the social pressure to marry is too great, and if they didn't accept by then he would be forced to leave me

the fact that you didn't leave at this point suggests that you have some serious self-esteem issues. Get some CBT and leave him.

Op how high powered are the jobs the rest of the family have?

I suspect they want a high powered DIL so you can support the rest of the family.

Op run, he's controlling and abusing you. He maybe hasn't hit but he's not exactly being loving and caring. Nor is he seeing you as an equal.

You don't live in the same country now but they are exerting their will over you and your bf is doing nothing to stop it. Who says he'll stay happy living in another country and wont want to move home and live with his parents soon after the wedding and you'll be forced to go along.

Quite aside from the control and insanity of the threats to leave etc, I would strongly suspect if you did have kids with this guy you would be fondly looking back on this as easy.

If his parents/him are like this over the wedding, what are they going to be like with kids? Or when he decides he needs to move back home to care for them? Or when they come out to you for months at a time?

I think sad as it it for you, leaving now would actually be a lucky escape. You're still young, you can find a better match with more similar values!

Listen to your bf and family and leave. Book next flight home now. You not equal, terrible. Any children you have wont be yours

Great advice on here OP.

Please leave him

Let's look at this objectively. You moved country for him. You have stayed with him even though he threatened to leave you when he hit marrying age if his parents still didn't approve of you. Incidentally this exerted emotional pressure on you to act in certain ways to 'win' their approval and his approval. He now says their elusive approval has been won but you and your parents need to pay £20k for the privilege of marrying him and if you don't he will marry someone else.
He has blackmailed you throughout this relationship. He has continually demanded that you do the 'pick me dance' and it's so engrained you can't even see that you could and should have been able to make demands on him. A relationship works both ways.
Now, your only demand/request could be that you don't have a £40k wedding. After all, you've moved country. You've waited years for his family to get on board or for him to grow up.
He's created a massive power imbalance in your relationship. That's the problem. He doesn't sound like a catch that you have to pay £20k to buy.

Sounds like you'll end up a broken women living in his home country with no escape.

"I really don't perceive myself as a victim. I'm always too worried about everyone else"

This is textbook codependency. Why are you so worried about everyone else? Who is looking out for you - except your Dad? Everything he says is right, by the way.

Obviously, caring about others is important, but I think what you need to focus on is learning to value and protect yourself. In a healthy marriage you care for and protect your spouse because they do the same in return. It is not one way.

The reason MN tends towards "leave the bastard" (and I'm totally prepared to believe you that your boyfriend is not a "bastard", but there are other valid reasons to break it off in this case) is because society in general is constantly telling women the opposite: You are nothing without a man, you will never have children, you will die alone, you need someone to build shelves for you and fix the heating, women can't be happy and single, dream, dream about your wedding day, ad finitum.

All of that is wrong. Statistically, married women are less happy than single women and I think it's because we put up with so much crap for this lie we are sold as "marriage".

If you are going to get married, which is not a must, BTW, not for children, not for love, not for anything - make sure it is wonderful, because it's simply not worth it otherwise.

Have you ever wished you could clone yourself so you had someone to share the boring responsibilities of life with, and have a laugh with in your now extra free time? Marry someone who makes you feel like you've successfully done that. And if I can paraphrase someone in a thread the other day, only marry someone who you can laugh about your mistakes with. Anyone who uses your mistakes as ammo against you in any way will make you miserable. You are supposed to be on the same side.

This is supposed to be the start of your life together. Can you imagine living with another 40 or 50 years of this shit?

Listen to your dad. Really.

You are right in that you can't see the wood for the trees, but your dad can. He loves you and wants the best for you.

It's screaming out to him and to everyone on here that this marriage would be a terrible mistake - please, please listen.