Forced to spend insane amount on wedding..Should I marry him? Feeling torn.

[sakurawarrior]

Ok, this is going to be a long post so I need to apologise - but I want to explain as thoroughly as I can. I'm not a mum but I wanted some sensible advice.

I'm in my late twenties. Four years ago I met my bf on the internet. After a year of a long distance relationship, I emigrated to the country he was living in to be with him. I know, that sounds nuts. A huge step. Needless to say, I was infatuated with him.

My history - Before him, I had two previous relationships. The first one when I was 16. I suspect now he was personality disordered. He 10 timed me and beat the shit out of me, then impregnated a married woman 20 years older than him. Needless to say, that damaged me and it took a year or two to recover. The next relationship lasted 5 years. I left him in the end because he kept binge drinking, slapped me across the face when I asked him to do something and a few other abusive incidents (he wasn't a complete psycho like the last one but less than perfect).

So anyway, back my present bf. He is Asian and thus came with some cultural baggage. His parents live in his home country and always expected him to have an arranged marriage. After we'd been together several months he told them he met me and he wants to be with me. They were extremely upset and disapproving and came up with a whole litany of reasons why I was a bad idea - I wouldn't be understanding of their culture, I would divorce him after a couple of years, I didn't hold a masters degree, my degree subject wasn't prestigious enough, westerners have no morals or values, we wouldn't suit each other... on and on it went.

He told me that he would stay in a relationship with me as long as possible, but couldn't marry me without their approval. He said the shame his parents would face would ruin their lives and the people around them would bully them and gossip making their lives a misery. He said we could only marry with their approval. But if by the time he got to 29 years old the social pressure to marry is too great, and if they didn't accept by then he would be forced to leave me. Of course, I hated this, but I tried to understand from his perspective because I loved him so much.

Fast forward two years and they have finally accepted with a condition. The wedding has to happen according to their customs, in their home country, and me and my parents must contribute to half the costs, which would come to an insane 20 grand. They will not compromise on this and bf has said he will leave me for an arranged marriage otherwise. Me and my parents could scrape together this amount of money but it just seems so wrong to spend this much on a wedding and to be forced to, as well. bf said his parents are compromising so much as they don't want me as a DIL at all, so now me and my parents need to compromise with spending the money and doing it their way.

I'm so conflicted I feel torn up inside. I feel like I don't know what to do anymore. My dad suggested that the money should be used as a house deposit instead of a wedding, and his parents got really offended by this, saying it's not about the money but about carrying out all the customs and traditions, and spending that amount of money is the only way it can be done.
My dad also thought I should ditch him on the principle that he would ultimately leave me if things came to that. There's a part of me that feels he is right, but I also have to understand my bf and his parent's POV. Holding some many conflicting views in my mind and so many shades of grey is driving me insane, frankly.

I've been reading through some of MN posts and I see the tendency to advocate leaving the relationship rather than staying. Honestly from the start our relationship has had huge strain because of these problems and my MH has naturally taken a hit. I've seen a number of therapists even one from his background - they didn't have an answer about the culture thing but said he is bordering emotionally abusive to me. (If he is annoyed at me he tends to give me the silent treatment, not at all great and the one problem in our relationship apart from the marriage issue).

I want a fresh perspective on this all. I don't know what to do. Any advice greatly appreciated. Tysm if you made it through this post.

It’s so raw right now that you are bound to be having all sorts of difficult emotions around picturing the two of you having separate futures. But you have to remember that he has effectively rejected you by this behaviour and acceptance of his parents’ role. He is not a good or loving man, so you are not losing what your emotions right now are making you think you you are losing.

Are you going to give your notice today? And will you keep living with him till you leave?

Sod your notice, just go. Tell them it’s a family emergency back in The UK.
As for adoring his wife from an arranged marriage no he won’t. It’s not about love it’s a business arrangement. He is marrying her because he has been told to, they will probably just tolerate each other . His family may well treat the poor girl like crap and she will be expected to do whatever her mil tells her. They sound like awful people so I hardly think this will suddenly change.
You should pity her rather than be jealous.

Run for the hills op!

RUN !

If he is insisting on a traditional wedding, what other traditions that you're not happy with will he want to uphold once you're married.
It's a culture clash.

Who cares if they adore her-she’s the one who’ll have to poke up with their controlling ways for the rest of her life.

I would pack and go today. Stuff the notice and go. Can you afford the travel cost? Can you stay with your parents when you return home?

Pity the poor next unsuspecting victim, don’t be jealous of them!

I'm curious to know why you have set such a low bar for yourself in life that this is all you think you're worth?

never mind 2 weeks.
pack, get on the plane.
done.

we`ll all be here so to speak when you land.

Op realistically what difference is it going to make if you leave now and sod the notice?

Are you likely to need them for a reference? Even if you do get a poor reference you could pre-empt it by stating reasons why you left the job on your CV.
Will your wages be paid to you or a joint account? Are you likely to see the cash?
Unless they are an international company you are unlikely to work for them again. So don't worry about burning bridges.

Unless there is very good reason to work your notice. Leave get on a plane and go home.

Funny that she was told to dye her hair black to fit in as that is exactly what I was told to do, albeit in a half-joking way. I would have never done that, it wouldn't even suit me never mind anything else

I had a friend who was 'engaged' into a different culture and was coerced into dying her hair and dressing differently. They went to visit her BF's family abroad. They took her passport off her, gave her rotten food and she was subject to random 'slaps' around the face and racist abuse. This was by females. She was not allowed to leave the house unless with an escort. She left the relationship, eventually

Also, sorry to say this but the £20,000 sounds like a shakedown from the start.

Please stay strong

FFS TeddyBear, there are rules against troll hunting. You are meant to report without saying anything on the thread. Saying you’ll report is still troll hunting.

why on earth are you laying on the floor for these horrible racists? and you can dance around semantics all you want that is what they are. I wouldn't marry I tho that, your dad is right. What struck me from your OP is how horrendous your past relationships have been, and i think it has ground down and warped what you're idea of good enough is.

If he can't stand up to is parents, then every single aspect of your life would be micro-managed by them, and you'd have no choices in anything. Women have been oppressed for hundreds of years. We are so lucky to live in the 21st Century, when it isn't (mostly) like that anymore. Please make the most of that, and don't accept such a backwards life for yourself.

I know it's not the same, but I married a man whose parents were Irish. They (his parents) both came to England when they were about 15. They are now mid 70's. Their children (my ex-husband and all of his siblings, who are now in their 40's and 50's) were born in England. Good grief, the talk about Ireland was relentless. Every year they holidayed in Ireland. All the children (my exH and his siblings) would describe themselves as Irish, despite all being born in England. My Ex and I were told by his parents, that if we didn't get married in a Catholic church that they wouldn't come or acknowledge the wedding. Our children (their grandchildren) had to be baptised in the Catholic church. Every single celebration took place in Irish clubs. All the grandchildren have been bought Ireland t-shirts and Rugby tops. All the grandchildren (my children included) would describe their heritage as Irish, despite being half English. When my husband cheated on me, with several women, and I finally left him, I was painted as the villain of the piece, because "good" women don't leave their husbands, just because they had a bit of "fun". I know it isn't the same, but I sometimes felt like screaming "If Ireland is so great, Fuck off back there". Not quite the same, but blimey it was tedious.

I sometimes felt like screaming "If Ireland is so great, Fuck off back there".

I don’t blame you HuskyLover! I don’t live in my (UK) country of origin any more and will make sure my DS understands his heritage but I am acutely aware that I chose to leave that country so can’t go OTT without looking like a hypocrite. I support England in the World Cup now.

OP, 2 weeks is a long time to stay after making this decision to leave. If at all possible, just leave straight away. It may hit you financially short term, but I do think worth considering.

I think that your Dad is correct. It must be incredibly difficult for them seeing what is happening from the outside.

Yes, him moving on is going to hurt. Any change is difficult but you seem to have a good support base at home, and in time you will see that this is not a good situation to be in.

This jumped out at me: I don't have time to find a mystical, perfect man with everything just how I want You do. But this man isnt the one. It shouldnt be this difficult right from the outset.

All the best OP

Another thing that strikes me is, do you have any friends where you live currently? A girlfriend to chat things through with, or other women whose better relationships you can witness so that you are able to realise how much you have been selling yourself short? Maybe someone you could even stay with for a couple of weeks if you can’t leave straight away?

Have you left?

I think he half wants you to leave - it makes it easy for him.

You need to move on with your life, so leaving may be the best way of making that happen.

Equally, you could force the choice on him.

You could say it his parents forcing him into this difficult position not you. Where is the accommodation for your culture and family? Where is the recognition from him that a multicultural relationship needs to respect both family backgrounds? You and your family are offering to love and respect his culture, but he and his family are not. If he goes with what his parents want, he will have to live with the fact that he just used you. Can he live with that on his conscience for the rest of his life?This is his life - his chance at day-to-day happiness. Does he want to be with the woman he has said he loves? He isn't bound by his parents, even if he wants their acceptance. He could marry you today - invite them and leave the choice to come with them. There is a chance they might calm down eventually - especially once grandchildren arrive. The choice is his, but he has 24 hours to decide.

Honestly though, I am not sure you want this. There are other men out there and you will fall in love again if you walk away.

Jessie I'm the same, I do not live in England anymore, and whilst I am English, I also heavily identify as "from" where I now live.

So, for eg. with a football/rugby match, I'd support England or the Country where I now live.

In my ExH family, if Ireland were playing England, they would all support Ireland, despite the fact that they live in England and are English. It's almost like a form of brainwashing.

Oh and Ex MIL and FIL and ExH wanted our children to have very old fashioned Irish names too. I put my foot down on that one, and refused.

However ExH siblings have named all of their children with Irish names that no-one can ever remember how to spell. Just why??

Do not part that much money. Do not marry him. You are correct you don't understand the culture, thats no insult I'm from that culture. He will leave you, this will end in tears and I can assure you most of that money will not be going on the wedding. Really sorry but please don't do it.

I had a Catholic bf of partial Irish parentage at university. It would clearly have gone that way. I walked away. Not enough room for us to forge our own life together. Plus I hated the hypocrisy. They weren't church goers. By contrast, my mother is a weekly churchgoer and we were brought up going to Sunday school. The local vicar and all the ladies who do church flowers are close family friends. There was no way I would have got married in an unfamiliar place with a stranger as the vicar just to please them, when my bf was an atheist.

Can you imagine being in a relationship with a man who loves you, cherishes you and who comes from a family who welcome you? Well, that's what you have now opened yourself up to by leaving this other man. Well done! You deserve so much more than what he offered - which was a lifetime of being told you're not good enough. Well that's rubbish. You are good enough.

You are young. Give yourself time - on your own - to grow in confidence and one day, it is very likely that you will meet someone with whom you can be properly happy. He won't be perfect, no one is (picking up a point you made earlier) but if he is KIND, treats you well, makes you feel like the best version of you - well then you'll know you've found him. Good luck.

He said he feels sad but he "can't do anything about it". He seems to want me to wait it out forever, in case there is a chance, - OP he doesn't love you.

If he can just go along with what his parents are doing, the viciousness they are showing you, the cruelty to your parents - and just say 'Well i can't do anything about it' and then to jsut go along with an arranged marriage a few months later; well, He doesn't love you. Or anyone, and probably never will.

The parents are toxic, and you should bne thanking your lucky stars that you found out NOW, not after any kids have come along (Cos sure as day follows night, those kids of 'his' will be brought up in their faith, their way. and their country/house. You would have no say in it and it would be so difficult if not impossible to extract yourself and kids safely.

Come back ASAP and don't give him another thought. He'll be doing exactly what he wants/what they want.

Good luck with the rest of your life!

The parents are toxic you are too kind, they are brass necked pisstakers of the worst kind with more front than woolworths

I also suspect that the 20 grand needed to pay for the wedding will mostly be paid to extended family who just happen to be in the wedding organisation business.

Honestly, dye your hair black? Why not suggest he dyes his hair blonde? Oh, wait, because that would be racist wouldn't it?

If you need practical help to leave him, then please pm someone - all too easy for us all to say "leave" when we're just sitting at our computers, but I realise it's you who has got to actually deal with the practicalities. Ask for help if you need it, surely one or two of us could do something.