Forced to spend insane amount on wedding..Should I marry him? Feeling torn.

[sakurawarrior]

Ok, this is going to be a long post so I need to apologise - but I want to explain as thoroughly as I can. I'm not a mum but I wanted some sensible advice.

I'm in my late twenties. Four years ago I met my bf on the internet. After a year of a long distance relationship, I emigrated to the country he was living in to be with him. I know, that sounds nuts. A huge step. Needless to say, I was infatuated with him.

My history - Before him, I had two previous relationships. The first one when I was 16. I suspect now he was personality disordered. He 10 timed me and beat the shit out of me, then impregnated a married woman 20 years older than him. Needless to say, that damaged me and it took a year or two to recover. The next relationship lasted 5 years. I left him in the end because he kept binge drinking, slapped me across the face when I asked him to do something and a few other abusive incidents (he wasn't a complete psycho like the last one but less than perfect).

So anyway, back my present bf. He is Asian and thus came with some cultural baggage. His parents live in his home country and always expected him to have an arranged marriage. After we'd been together several months he told them he met me and he wants to be with me. They were extremely upset and disapproving and came up with a whole litany of reasons why I was a bad idea - I wouldn't be understanding of their culture, I would divorce him after a couple of years, I didn't hold a masters degree, my degree subject wasn't prestigious enough, westerners have no morals or values, we wouldn't suit each other... on and on it went.

He told me that he would stay in a relationship with me as long as possible, but couldn't marry me without their approval. He said the shame his parents would face would ruin their lives and the people around them would bully them and gossip making their lives a misery. He said we could only marry with their approval. But if by the time he got to 29 years old the social pressure to marry is too great, and if they didn't accept by then he would be forced to leave me. Of course, I hated this, but I tried to understand from his perspective because I loved him so much.

Fast forward two years and they have finally accepted with a condition. The wedding has to happen according to their customs, in their home country, and me and my parents must contribute to half the costs, which would come to an insane 20 grand. They will not compromise on this and bf has said he will leave me for an arranged marriage otherwise. Me and my parents could scrape together this amount of money but it just seems so wrong to spend this much on a wedding and to be forced to, as well. bf said his parents are compromising so much as they don't want me as a DIL at all, so now me and my parents need to compromise with spending the money and doing it their way.

I'm so conflicted I feel torn up inside. I feel like I don't know what to do anymore. My dad suggested that the money should be used as a house deposit instead of a wedding, and his parents got really offended by this, saying it's not about the money but about carrying out all the customs and traditions, and spending that amount of money is the only way it can be done.
My dad also thought I should ditch him on the principle that he would ultimately leave me if things came to that. There's a part of me that feels he is right, but I also have to understand my bf and his parent's POV. Holding some many conflicting views in my mind and so many shades of grey is driving me insane, frankly.

I've been reading through some of MN posts and I see the tendency to advocate leaving the relationship rather than staying. Honestly from the start our relationship has had huge strain because of these problems and my MH has naturally taken a hit. I've seen a number of therapists even one from his background - they didn't have an answer about the culture thing but said he is bordering emotionally abusive to me. (If he is annoyed at me he tends to give me the silent treatment, not at all great and the one problem in our relationship apart from the marriage issue).

I want a fresh perspective on this all. I don't know what to do. Any advice greatly appreciated. Tysm if you made it through this post.

He was silent then he said he doesnt take me seriously and not to think about it now.

He doesn’t take you seriously!? Why?!

Do you live together? What does leaving him entail?

Update: He has had a call from his parents and it's come to light that the whole demanding 20,000 was a shit test and they were hoping we wouldn't be able to afford it, they weren't seriously accepting me.Then they preceded to pick holes in me and ask him what does he even see in me. I told him I'm done.

It will be tough bring back on your own but you would have had no decent life with him and his parents. The £20k sounded like a way to put you off.

I am sorry but they don't like you and they will never accept you.

As hard as it is, walk away

Run! Seriously. This doesn’t sound good at all.

You will find the courage and strength to leave him. You have a bunch of women here supporting you and a family, who loves you. His family don’t love him as much as their pride and standing otherwise they’d be happy to see you together.

I married a man from a different culture, from the word go he has prioritised us and our family, whilst showing as much respect as possible. His mum some years in put him in an awful position of basically making a choice. He saw this as unreasonable, she told him her ways or to buy her a ticket home. He did so calmly and drove her to the airport. I don’t think she really got over it and still bad mouths 15 years lately, though as calmed somewhat.

I’m telling you this as basically it’s the only way it can work, if two people put their interactions first in the face of pressure.

Book a ticket home now. Block his number.
No one thinks you're an idiot.

Can I ask if he is Pakistani/Indian? Do you have friends from his cultural background?

Please get in touch, I may be able to help you.

Best wishes.

I'm always mystified why women stay with and plan to marry a man when they are already having counselling about the relationship. Do not marry into this crazy family.

How easily can you move back to the UK? Do you have a job in the country where you currently live?

I cant do anything
he is telling you that his duties towards his parents override everything, they will always call the shots and he will always side with them with no hesitation

run - it won't get better it will get worse - especially if you have children.

Thank goodness OP. You must be hurting but must know you are doing the right thing. If you have a wobble think about how you have avoided your future life being completely ruled by his parents, since it's obvious he's incapable of saying no to them and you would always come a poor second.

Come back home and take some time to find yourself again,

Wishing you all the very best.

come home.

You can do this.

Come home sweet lass.

run home as quick as you can !

"I cant do anything".

He has been actively colluding with them. Giving you ultimatums, insisting you come up with £20k.

I would say, give him an ultimatum. Reverse everything he demanded of you. He comes to live in the UK with you, has the wedding of your choice and unless his parents accept your marriage wholeheartedly he must it then off completely. On no other terms will you stay together. And you will leave now and wait for him to comply.

But it’s too late for that, pointless because he will never do it and it just keeps you dangling longer on his ‘will he, won’t he?’ string.

Also, he really doesn’t deserve you. His behaviour has been appalling and how DARE he think you are such a doormat that you will listen to that about his parents and not be serious.

He has told you exactly who he is. He doesn’t take you seriously. Not your needs, not your feelings, not your role in his life.

The faster you reclaim your life for your own self, the better.

You must be feeling v battered and bruised OP .

Sorry, typo, “cut them off completely”

OP, you're NOT an idiot, you love this man.

My DH is Asian, though marriages vary hugely between religions and regions. We were married in a registry office in the UK and then had an all-out function the next time we visited his home country. His parents welcomed me, despite being a different religion, race, colour, the whole shebang. We literally couldn't be more different. The only thing they cared about was his happiness.

Your BF is an arsehole and his parents are utter cunts, pack your bags and have an 'emergency' that you need to come home for. Then cut all ties. They will never accept you and they're showing their true colours this early in the relationship, pay heed, it won't get any better. If you bow down now, imagine how many years of shit you'll have from them regarding living arrangements, which house to buy, how to raise your kids..... etc etc. Please think about yourself, you're worth more than this

By saying 'I can't do anything' he is showing you where you stand. He wants you to stop talking marriage and wait it out until he decides it's time to go for the arranged marriage his parents what. He seems very sure that he is the most important one in this relationship.

There is plenty he could do: apologize to you, tell you that you are more important to him than anything, make plans to marry you despite what his parents say. He just doesn't want to. You are the one expected to give way. I am so sorry op because this must be hard to face, but it will never change.

Don't let him take any more of your resolve. Keep fighting for yourself. Step on a plane and away from this.

Btw, refusing to accept that the other person wants to end the relationship is another hallmark of emotional abuse.

I'd be grateful that I hadn't paid any money to them. They could have taken the money then dropped this bombshell.

Your partner won't stand up to his parents. If he did then the relationship would have a chance but since it doesn't, it's certain to be filled with pain.

Blimey OP; that's some update. I'm sending you some courage. I wish you all the best.

@sakurawarrior I'm humbled my post helped you a little.
As someone said earlier Asian culture varies A LOT. But as a Muslim this becomes a problem as our religion does not accept injustice like this but people are so ingrained in the culture that they forget what comes first, religion. However it doesn't seem like your partner is a Muslim anyway.
With your updates I have a better understanding of what sort of background he comes from. It is such a big problem in many communities that they even make films about this to highlight how unjust this practise is. No one should ever give in to demands of the groom's family demanding money, jewellery, furniture, clothing or anything like that. In Islam it is actually the man who has to give money to the bride which is decided beforehand because it is a fact that women normally go on to have children and give up a lot of things to have a family but no one can ever demand anything from the bride. If she chooses to gift something then that is up to her but not a requirement at all. He is playing games with you and enjoying you get upset. He probably sees you as naive and someone easy to scam. You're not though as you've come here to ask what is right and wrong so you need to give yourself more credit.
Can you imagine there are people in your partner's country who feel like they have no other option but to give the money? They don't even have a fraction of that money and end up in debt for life. It's so crazy. People are slowly waking up there but in that certain culture women feel they are not worth much and so go along with it but it is those same women who carry the next generation for 9 months and then shower their children with so much love and affection and sacrifice everything for them. It is very hard to change their mentality when the right guidance has not come to them and they follow a way where women have no status in society but I mean so many things are messed up everywhere, not just there. One step at a time, starting with ourselves.

I rarely do this, cis it annoys me, but I read the OP, 2 or 3 responses, then cut to here.

So I apologise if the last 300 replied and the OO's input has already taken us to this place, but:

Absolutely 100% walk away. The warning shots have been fired across the bow. This will not improve. He, your poor DH to be will always be made to force you to dance attendance to their strong, immutable cultural 'norms', like impressing the family and neighbours with your £20k wedding. This won't change. And once DC come along, the pressure to incorporate them into that culture will be overwhelming.

Leave.

Sorry.

Please don't marry this man.

At least you know exactly where you stand now. What's your housing, finance and job situation? How easy is it to leave in practical terms?