AIBU new home

[yan79]

Hi, I’ve been with my partner just short of a year and we’re buying a house together. He’s actually buying it as my credit is less than perfect.
I’ve rented since separating from my ex husband 4 years ago.
I work part-time due to having young children and I receive a significant amount in universal credit and housing benefit.
He is classed as a high earner and has one child who he sees a few days a week. I have my children 5 days a week.

We got chatting about contribution to the new house and he expects me to contribute the exact same amount as him (he earns over 50k and at the moment I earn 14k)
I’m well aware that I’ll need to increase my hours when we live together but I’ll never ever earn as much as him. In fact when we live together I’ll loose nearly 1k a month in child benefit, universal credit and housing benefit which is fine as this was only ever a temporary measure while my children are young to help me get by and I always knew that I’d have to work more and not be reliant on these benefits.
I won’t be able to work full-time as childcare isn’t available to me to cover my unsocial hours so I’ve decided to increase my hours to 30 hours over 3 days which is just about manageable.
AIBU in thinking I shouldn’t be expected to contribute the exact same amount as him?
It will leave me with barely any disposable income and also I think the child maintenance I receive from my children’s father shouldn’t be taken into consideration when it comes to my income?

I just wanted a neutral opinion from people that don’t know either of us as my family say YANBU as do my friends.

Many thanks 😘

I think you have a skewed view of what is 'normal' in a relationship. I have 3 teenagers my DP has no kids. He stays with us 3 or 4 nights a week. We've been together 4 years and have never argued about my kids. We've occasionally disagreed about other stuff but never argued, just discussed.

I think you're so used to abuse that what you have with him seems better than it is.

Anyway, given that you're probably going to go through with living with him you should know that re. child benefit YOU are still entitled to it and should keep claiming it and having it paid to YOU. HE will be liable for tax on it that HE will have to pay.

Right, if he said that last night then you have the perfect chance to text him.

‘I’ve been thinking about what you said re contributions, and it’s only right that if I’m contributing equally then my name’s on the mortgage too. We need to figure out how to do that.’

The thing is, how could you possibly even CONSIDER moving your two kids, who’ve already witnessed DV from what you’ve said, into an insecure situation with an angry, argumentative man who could put them on the street with no notice. And who has seen them move to a situation where their mother is around less and money is shorter?

Why is this man more important to you than giving them a calm, solvent, stable home?

I have a very strong feeling that as soon as you tell him you won't pay half or move in he'll be long gone.

Generally my kids are very good but like them all they have their moments and he’s pretty intolerant of these at times and this is something that we’ve rowed about twice more recently

Please do not make your children live with this man.

If it was only last night then that's a great way of saying you need to get together and nail down all of the details of the finances for the new house. You want to protect yourself and you don't want to be told not to worry of that he won't chuck you out or whatever.

@Happynow001
Thank you for your very kind and understanding message. Much of these messages on here have been the same too, so thanks to all that have (kindly) contributed.
I haven’t read these other threads, no.
I don’t think I want to at the minute to be honest with you.

I do know I need to get some legal advice (which I can’t afford 🙁)

OP you do realise that when you move in with him you will lose your child benefit if he is a high earner? Yes, even though they’re not his children your child benefit will be based on his income

Also, if you are entitled to UC at the moment you will likely lose this as well.

Please tread very carefully. L

Whilst yes, he needs to take into account you earn less, yabu not to take into account the maintenance money you receive, he is paying out a similar amount so his net income is closer to yours overall. You must ensure you have some sort of guarantee in the house eg after two/five years when the mortgage is due to renew you are added and to the land registry, plus if you break up during that time you get 50% (or whatever) of your mortgage contribution back - if the relationship lasts there's no issues so he shouldn't have a problem

@NoCauseRebel
Yes, I know. I will loose nearly 1k a month once I live with him x

I was going to increase to 30 but I’ll still be quite a lot worse off than I am now.

This is your choice though op. No one is forcing you to live with him and he is not responsible to make up the short fall

A poster said when you tell him you won't pay rent or half, he will be long gone. And quite frankly I wouldn't blame him. I would also call a halt to things if a man expected me to provide him and his two kids with free accommodation, and to pay more than fifty percent of the bills, inc food when there was three of him and one of me. Just because i put earned him. No way.

However he did say he'd sort a solicitor for the property. So tell him you want to speak to the mortgage company with him to look to go on the mortgage and the Implicatiins of this, as well as see a solicitor for a deed for yiu to take 50% equity in the event of a split, after the mortgage is paid off, and to register an interest in the house with the land registery.

This is fair. And should already have been dealt with.

The way I see it, the new house will cost £900 each plus £1000 lost in benefits. All together that’s £2800. Split that equally, makes £1400/ month each. So the fair way would be £1400 from him, plus £400 from you each month ( plus you lose the benefits too). That’s 50% of the true price of living together each. If you pay more than £400/ month then you’re shouldering more of the true cost than him.

Reading through this thread again, quite apart from the financial side of it. You were previously in an abusive relationship that I assume your kids were witness to. You've been with this man less than a year and are going to move in with him. I think you, and your kids, need more time to be sure this is a stable relationship before you consider such a move. I know you consider you are too far down the line to say no, but forget about yourself for a minute if that helps. Think about your kids. What is best for them? Who would you rather screw over (sorry to put it so harshly) - your DP or your children? Yes he'll be in a pickle for a bit but he's a grown man with a good income. He can sort it out. Your kids however are entirely reliant on you to do the best for them.

If you pay more than £400/ month then you’re shouldering more of the true cost than him

And yet another poster who forgets two kids are involved here and the non parent should step up and pay for them.

@Bluntness100
I hope you don’t think I expect him to contribute to the upbringing of my children.

Op, this is my point, by paying fifty percent of the costs, inc food, he is without a shadow of a doubt, contributing to the up bringing of your kids.

If he paid 25/30 percent he would not be, but when he offers to go halves with you there is no way to dispute the fact he is paying for your kids. To live, to eat, to have showers etc, it's can't be argued against,

Fair enough. Yes I get what you’re saying.

Actually I didn’t forget about the children, but if he’s offering to set up a household with OP and split the costs 50-50, presumably he understands the implications of that and knows he will be contributing towards the costs of the kids too. I was only pointing out that 50% of the costs wouldn’t be £900 for the OP.

And that's why I'm saying arguing he should pay even more is wrong, simply sort out the legal stuff.

I think you're getting some terrible advice on here. And I think it's advice that will as a min cause serious damage to your relationship and potentially end it.

When you tell that man that him paying fifty percent isn't enough for you, he needs to pay more for you and your two kids to live there, to feed them, give them heat, baths, whatever, that you get there is three of you and one of him, but fifty percent isn't enough, you want more, the resentment is going to end the relationship be it today, tomorrow or next week.

Kids aren't cheap. And yiu should ensure your share of the costs cover your kids.

It's right he doesn't pay for your children but he's taking money from them as you'll be given less once you live with him in his house…

And you're not stupid. You're in love and trusting but I hope you are genuine when you realise you need to rethink this. Good luck.

Op, for me your paying 50% isn't really the issue, although you definitely can't afford it. The real issue is that you are giving up any security you have by living in your own home. If it all goes tits up you are fucked. No home, no savings, nothing.

Cloud, then your sums are wrong. Right now the op gets 2200. As she's returning to work and with child maintenance, she will get 1750. So that's a difference of 450 a month. Not the vast sum you state.

And he offered to go fifty fifty of the living costs. Housing, Utilities, food etc, and that's generous considering her kids and what they will cost. It is not his job to also subsidise any change in her coming off benefits and returning to work.

That's ludicrous to suggest.

Your advice is going to kill her relationship. He's going to think she's grabby and in it for the money, and that she wants him to pay as much as possible for her children so neither her or their father have to step up.

@Bluntness100 don't be stupid, the man earns 5 times her wage. She should pay a proportion of her income that's fairly balanced between them. She earns 10k a year! Without benefits that wouldn't be sustainable and this is exactly what they're proposing.

You're giving some honestly foolish advice here. They have been together less than a year and it's his choice to buy a house. OP doesn't have to be bowing and scraping in gratitude, she should be doing her sums and petrified that her stable living situation will become something else entirely

My calculations are of how much the move will cost them each including the benefits OP will lost by moving in with him. If OP would like to change her working more hours and increasing income they could opt to pay proportionally according to income and as PP have stated she would still be paying significantly less. However, that’s not what OP has stated.

I haven’t given any advice as to what she should do actually, nor have I debated whether he should or shouldn’t be paying half of the household costs. All I’m pointing out is that this move will cost her more than him and if he really is serious about splitting the cost of their life together 50-50 then her paying £900 is inaccurate.

Whether of not 50-50 is fair is down to the couple of course, but it remains a fact that OP is in effect paying more than 50% of the true cost of living together if she pays the £900 AND loses her benefits. That’s regardless of her increasing her bourse because she doesn’t have to do that currently.

@Bluntness100 ... so you think it's fair that she pays half the mortgage on a house she'll never own? She will automatically lose £1000 pm by moving in with him. It's totally unfair not to mention selfish of him. Plus his attitude (that's never gonna happen) stinks!
On a purely practical level OP is opening herself to all kinds of vulnerabilities.
He's supposed to love her remember? It's not a business contract.

Jeez yan79, please, please read up on the law.
And have a read of this thread too; 15 years, three children and the woman faces homelessness if the relationship fails.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3535648-Actually-shocked-at-what-an-idiot-I-am