Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU new home

467 replies

yan79 · 24/04/2019 12:11

Hi, I’ve been with my partner just short of a year and we’re buying a house together. He’s actually buying it as my credit is less than perfect.
I’ve rented since separating from my ex husband 4 years ago.
I work part-time due to having young children and I receive a significant amount in universal credit and housing benefit.
He is classed as a high earner and has one child who he sees a few days a week. I have my children 5 days a week.

We got chatting about contribution to the new house and he expects me to contribute the exact same amount as him (he earns over 50k and at the moment I earn 14k)
I’m well aware that I’ll need to increase my hours when we live together but I’ll never ever earn as much as him. In fact when we live together I’ll loose nearly 1k a month in child benefit, universal credit and housing benefit which is fine as this was only ever a temporary measure while my children are young to help me get by and I always knew that I’d have to work more and not be reliant on these benefits.
I won’t be able to work full-time as childcare isn’t available to me to cover my unsocial hours so I’ve decided to increase my hours to 30 hours over 3 days which is just about manageable.
AIBU in thinking I shouldn’t be expected to contribute the exact same amount as him?
It will leave me with barely any disposable income and also I think the child maintenance I receive from my children’s father shouldn’t be taken into consideration when it comes to my income?

I just wanted a neutral opinion from people that don’t know either of us as my family say YANBU as do my friends.

Many thanks 😘

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 24/04/2019 17:33

I have already said she was foolish with the house. She needs to speak to the mortgage company and or a lawyer. However no I don't think she and. Her kids should get to live there for free whilst he shoulders all the costs . I find the idea ludicrous.

And I'm not going to explain the numbers again. At least read rhe ops posts where she explains her total income now and when she moves in.

Original poster
yan79 · 24/04/2019 17:50

@BillyGoatGruff007
I don’t even know where to begin with reading up on the law...there’s so much. All I know is I’m absolutely not entitled to anything unless my name is on the deeds or we’re married x

OP posts:
Berrie1 · 24/04/2019 18:02

Hi Yan,

I can give you my personal experience from a child's perspective. There a few similarities.

My mum and dad separated when I was about 8. My mum met my step dad a short time later. Unfortunately, after separating from my dad, my mum ended up going bankrupt. She lost the house that she owned and we became homeless.

My step dad offered for us to come and live with him in the house that he owned. Instead of my mum staying financially independent and standing on her own two feet she gave this up to live with my step dad. She worked full time and made a contribution to the finances but he earned significantly more.

Fast forward 11 years, my mum has never really learned how to deal with money properly and the situation with the house is fraught. They are not married and my step dad has a son from a previous relationship. They still live in the same house and it is still in my step dad's sole name. My mum has very little savings.

My mum has just spent several thousand pounds on a new kitchen for a house that she does not own. For whatever reason my step dad keeps putting off making a Will and my mum is now left in a very vulnerable situation where she could effectively end up homeless if they separate or he passes away before her. Most of his estate would pass to his son through intestacy law if he passed away before my mum without a Will (they are based in Scotland).

I think my mum now severely regrets her decision to have moved in with my step dad so quickly having no protection in place.

I have been through hell and back with them both. My step dad also has a short temper and they would regularly argue. I have lost count the amount of times my mum told me we had to find somewhere else to live. It was dreadful. I won't go into the details but it was the most difficult and stressful time of my life and a lot of it boiled down to my mum's lack of stability and financial independence.

Please be careful OP. Think of your future, your financial independence, and most of all, your kids.

BillyGoatGruff007 · 24/04/2019 18:16

All I know is I’m absolutely not entitled to anything unless my name is on the deeds or we’re married
Well this is good start yan, and clearly you've already done some reading up.
I'm rooting for you and good luck with whatever the outcome.

Grumpelstilskin · 24/04/2019 18:23

This does not sound like a generous or even kind man OP. He stays the majority of time at yours and really behaves like a cocklodger and actually ponces of you in the moment! The sheer arrogance and hypocrisy of him trying to dictate to the terms of moving into his house without the slightest financial security for you is staggering. The money you are losing out when moving in together needs to be taking out before his proposed 50/50 split. Otherwise it isn’t an equal split. Not at all! He actually sounds financially abusive and also emotionally shitty for raising his voice and getting loud. During just a year long relationship those are far too many arguments. He will be far worse with your kids once under HIS roof. And trust me, it will be HIS house, not just legally but in terms of him lording it all over you. They haven’t even reached their teenage years yet. So what he paid for holidays, they are for his benefit too. People asked you before on this thread, does he do 50% of the cleaning, cooking etc? Again, he can fuck right off demanding a 50/50 split if he doesn’t do an equal share. Step back and allow yourself some time to reflect, you are getting absolutely steamrollered and pressured. It is incredibly telling that you are dreading to raise the topic with him. That is not the mark of a healthy, mutually respectful relationship.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 24/04/2019 19:38

He shouts, spits his dummy out and loses his shit if you dare to disagree. He does this so you shut up, stop asking questions and do as he says.

That is abusive. You think it isn't just because he doesn't hit you. You've been arguing regularly in such a short time. You've never actually lived together properly either.

He thinks he was screwed over by a woman so will never give you anything financially.

You said he will lose money if you change your mind but how will he when he is paying for it all and can afford to live in new house on his own?

Original poster
yan79 · 24/04/2019 19:44

Because he says he doesn’t need that house for just them two, he’s doing it for all
Us 5. He says he would never have considered moving if it was just those two

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 24/04/2019 19:44

Sheer madness to move in with a boyfriend of just a year when there are children involved, much less into a house that's not in your name.

Finance wise, 50/50 is more than fair given there are four of you and one of him plus a child occasionally.

MrsKrabbapple · 24/04/2019 20:16

That makes it worse, not better. He’s putting you in a position where you have to feel grateful to him for providing this four bedroom new build house but at the same time he’s asking you for more money than you’ve actually got to give.

Nobody here knows what your relationship is like and maybe it will all be fine. Maybe you will say ‘we need to talk about putting my name on the mortgage’ and he will say ‘good idea, I wouldn’t want you to pay half and have nothing to show for it’.

Wildrose19 · 24/04/2019 20:25

There’s no point saying 50:50 is fair if op can’t afford 50:50.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 24/04/2019 20:41

I don't get how its got this far, did you not expect to pay half at any point? I would have assumed going in together meant half costs whilst dating.

Original poster
yan79 · 24/04/2019 20:43

It’s just ran away with me. I assumed I’d pay a fair amount based on my income. I feel silly we haven’t had ‘the’ conversation before now

OP posts:
Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 24/04/2019 20:47

OP, what did you expect to be 'fair's given your kids live there the majority of the week?

BumbleBeee69 · 24/04/2019 20:51

you need to talk... and fast Flowers

2019user44 · 24/04/2019 20:53

OP obviously what he is expecting re income is unfair. Hopefully you can have a chat about that. With regards to the house, I would think about getting a free half hour with a family lawyer. You could get a declaration of trust drawn up to say who owns what equity in the property if you separate from in the future. You could also think about a cohabitation agreement setting out who pays what and what happens re the house if you separate. Definitely don't contribute to this house without protecting your interests legally.

MrsKrabbapple · 24/04/2019 21:11

I think it’s easy to get carried away when you are looking at houses, especially new builds.

No doubt he was in the driving seat with regards to saying what you were looking at was affordable.

mummmy2017 · 24/04/2019 21:13

When you move in together you become a couple..
Therefore money becomes family money.
If you have children he accepts this and knows in return for your help in the house he pays bills....if you earn you pay bills as well .. but in this case he earns four times the money..

This is never going to end well as he is not doing that, you will be his lodger not partner.

AnyFucker · 24/04/2019 21:15

I actually wouldn't advise you to go ahead with it but what would he say if you said the simplest way to sort this out is for you to get married ?

UCOinanOCG · 24/04/2019 21:18

You need to talk to him about all this. His response will tell you everything you need to know. .

Isthisit22 · 24/04/2019 21:18

Why on earth would you pay half of his mortgage?
Do not believe him saying he'd look after you. That never happens when people split!
Stay in your house until you are married.

AnyFucker · 24/04/2019 21:26

Blunt what you are saying only works if they were renting. So that in the event of a split no one comes out on top.

But a mortgage is paying towards an asset that if in one person's name belongs only to them

In your haste to let this guy off the hook you don't appear to have considered that essential fact

DantesInferno · 24/04/2019 21:33

well he can get a lodger in then, and you stay where you are

I have to ask though, why are you commuting for an hour for a job that only pays 14kpa? cant you find something closer?

Original poster
yan79 · 24/04/2019 21:48

I only work 9 miles from home but it’s on a major route that has shocking traffic and very often temporarily traffic lights/road works. If I was to go in the dead of the night it’d take me about 20 mins x

OP posts:
KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 24/04/2019 21:52

You would be Very naïve to go ahead with this on his terms.
It will not be your house, you will be living under his roof, and contributing to a very valuable asset that will be his and one day his sons.
You are/will be the underdog.
You need to get married (not hope it might happen some day), or be included on the mortgage/deeds.
Forget about Wills, as they can be changed at the drop of a hat if/when the relationship goes pear-shaped. He won't leave it to you anyway as he has a son!
Sorry to sound harsh but you really need to wake-up.

ninja · 24/04/2019 22:22

Surely if the house is his then he should be paying all of the mortgage that goes into the capital and you could justify paying half of the interest payments - then half the bills (as you'd have to pay these anyway).

There's no way you should be paying towards his house

Aside from that he just doesn't sound that move and to worry about having these conversations with him isn't a great sign ...