AIBU new home

[yan79]

Hi, I’ve been with my partner just short of a year and we’re buying a house together. He’s actually buying it as my credit is less than perfect.
I’ve rented since separating from my ex husband 4 years ago.
I work part-time due to having young children and I receive a significant amount in universal credit and housing benefit.
He is classed as a high earner and has one child who he sees a few days a week. I have my children 5 days a week.

We got chatting about contribution to the new house and he expects me to contribute the exact same amount as him (he earns over 50k and at the moment I earn 14k)
I’m well aware that I’ll need to increase my hours when we live together but I’ll never ever earn as much as him. In fact when we live together I’ll loose nearly 1k a month in child benefit, universal credit and housing benefit which is fine as this was only ever a temporary measure while my children are young to help me get by and I always knew that I’d have to work more and not be reliant on these benefits.
I won’t be able to work full-time as childcare isn’t available to me to cover my unsocial hours so I’ve decided to increase my hours to 30 hours over 3 days which is just about manageable.
AIBU in thinking I shouldn’t be expected to contribute the exact same amount as him?
It will leave me with barely any disposable income and also I think the child maintenance I receive from my children’s father shouldn’t be taken into consideration when it comes to my income?

I just wanted a neutral opinion from people that don’t know either of us as my family say YANBU as do my friends.

Many thanks 😘

@Dvg thanks 👌🏻 That’s not a very nice thing to say.
I’m not stupid, at all. Naive maybe and I’ve got lost in the moment but I am by no means stupid

I can see you live him, but your the one doing all the giving...
You say he goes off to his house if cross .
So when you are in his house, he is going where? To cool off.
A new X box comes out...
His son gets one on day one, your son waits till it is his big Xmas gift, then watched his son get xmas gifts.. yeah that is going to be fun.

@yan79

You really need 100% iron clad legal agreement in place, before he even moves in with you. Marriage or name on the mortgage.

You have everything to lose and he has everything to gain. He shouldn’t get angry, you should be able to discuss everything without fear of his reaction, if you do have fear or apprehension, it is a form of coercive control to shut you up and get is own way. Abuse isn’t just physical. I assume he is of a similar age to you, so as an adult he should be able to resolve any conflict without resorting to shouting and anger.

Ask him to put himself in your position and ask him if he would agree if the roles were reversed.

If you did end up homeless, it would be incredibly difficult to get homed again, a lot of private rental won’t rent to anyone receiving benefits and you have a very very slim chance of the council housing you now, even though they have an obligation to do so, you would likely end up in temporary accommodation (often a studio flat or worse). You wouldn’t even be able to save any money to have a cushion or a deposit for a new rental.

Your responsibility has to be to your children first and foremost.

I’m very open, understanding and considerate and he’s quite short tempered and has a chip on his shoulder' and 'short tempered but not in a physical way?

Seriously? OP you know deep down this isn't going to work out, don't you?

So many reasons to not move in.

What is stopping you pulling out? Be honest with yourself..

Love isn't like this, perhaps he is better than your Ex...but not by much.

When you realise you have made a mistake correct it. It would be very wrong to go ahead knowing what you know how.

I wouldn't want to live with him as he sounds awful and you fight all of the time.

If you do go ahead, you need to either get married, put your name on the mortgage or just split the bills and you put the money you would be paying in rent in a savings account which you can use if it goes tits up. Don't use it for anything else though.

However I think the best thing to do is slow the relationship right down and not live together for a few years.

Because he has so many good points that I haven’t even touched on here.
I do love him, he’s funny, generous (even though you all believe him not to be after what I’ve told you) Intelligent, solvent, we get on like a house on fire, we have fun, he’s supportive and helpful and loving and as solid as a rock when it comes to supporting my insecurities. I’m not with a cruel man that I think I’m being abused by.
Yes, we argue, yes he’s unreasonable at times but all in all 98% of the time we’re great.
I don’t want to end my relationship with this man, not one little bit but I am seriously considering our living arrangements

@Bluntness100 you have grossly misquoted me. If you read the rest of my post, I am talking in terms of the fact this man out-earns OP almost 4:1. That is what I think is unfair. That he is still expecting her to contribute 50:50 when their earnings are so at odds with each other. Please don’t twist my words

No, I'm pointing out that the op has two children. Who are not infants. Who will be living in this house. His earnings are irrelevant because on paying half he is already subsidising them. Expecting him to do more, because he out earns her is beyond awful. They are not his kids.

And expecting she and her two kids can live there rent free, again,because he pays a mortgage and out earns her is also appalling. Of course he should not be providing her with free housing. And I very much believe if the genders were reversed you would not be expecting thr op to provide for his kids, or provide him with rent free accommodation

And she doesn't earn 14k a year. That's a gross mis representation. That's now, and before benefits, and before child maintenance. And when she moves in, she will be bringing in 1750 in total, I assume before child benefit, so closer to two grand versus his 2700 after tax and his child maintenance.

The figures are being skewed here so this man is expected to financially provide even more for the op and her two kids.

It's wrong and no one would suggest a woman does it for a man and his kids.

@MrsKrabbapple
I think what’s stopping me from pulling out is just how far it’s gone. We’ve been so excited planning things etc and there’s been no sign from me that I’ve had any doubts until today. He’s spent so much so far abs he’ll loose everything he’s spent AND sold his home. I’d be pretty pissed about that if I was him so I can just imagine how he’ll feel x

You are not stupid OP.
But you've had some great advice and had your eyes opened here.
Please don't ignore all these wise women.
They know what they are talking about.
Your DP is trying to pull a fast one.
Don't allow him to take anything away from you.
And do that Freedom Programme quick sharp!

@Bluntness100 I won’t receive child benefit once I live with him as he’ll earn too much x

Tell him while you feel he should 100% protect his deposit, you feel that he should get the house valued when you move in and any equity is share 50/50 if he wants you to pay half the mortgage.
Otherwise you just pay half the bills, and 70% of shopping and you will bank the rent element, and buy into the house when you have enough....

I do love him, he’s funny, generous (even though you all believe him not to be after what I’ve told you) Intelligent, solvent, we get on like a house on fire, we have fun, he’s supportive and helpful and loving and as solid as a rock when it comes to supporting my insecurities. I’m not with a cruel man that I think I’m being abused by.

Great. sounds like a nice boyfriend (if you can cope with the arguments - that wouldn't be for me). So continue as you are. less than a year is way too early imo to move your children in with a man not their father and another child anyway. The financial situation is wrong for you and to your utter disadvantage - but more important will disadvantage your children. And if anything goes wrong he will not help you out or make sure you are ok. You will be in a terrible situation -way worse than you are now.

Continue to see him if he is that nice. Don't move in and don't get in a situation where you are financing a house only he will own.

You can still get child benefit.
He will just pay more tax on his earnings!
I think that's how it works anyway.
From the internet

If your income is between £50,000 and £60,000, you will still get however much you're entitled to. Even if you're earning over £60,000, if you put your Child Benefit aside in a savings account, you can earn interest on the money before you have to pay your tax bill. You will need to pay the extra tax.

You don't have to pull out you just have to tell him you need to have a proper discussion about the legal side of ownership and exactly what you will both be putting in and getting out. If you don't talk to home you will never know

You could (and probably will) be on the streets if this doesn't work out OP. Everything indicates that his financial status and money is his priority so he will not help you out when the relationship ends. You have kids. Do you want to take the risk?

No, of course I don’t want to take the risk but also there’s always going to be a certain amount of ‘risk’ when things like this are done.
I know I need to reduce the risk by Maliki sure things are equal and fair and I will get some financial gain if things go wrong.
That’s what I need to consider, now. Immediately. X

*making

At what point in the house buying and selling did he tell you that he thought you should pay £900?

Where does he think you are going to get the money from if you can't work more hours because of your dc?

@MrsKrabbapple
At what point in the house buying and selling did he tell you that he thought you should pay £900?

Last night...we’ve secured the new build with a deposit and it’s due to be completed between Oct & Feb

Where does he think you are going to get the money from if you can't work more hours because of your dc?

By increasing my hours at work

Yes but you do know that this will require a compromise he may not give you? He could dangle the carrot of getting married 'soon' or eventually getting you on the mortgage but there's no point breaking apart your own living situation until you're married or legally on the mortgage papers.

You have to prepare yourself for him not meeting you in the middle about this. He already wants you, a woman earning 10k a year, to pay half of that to him with absolutely no financial security regarding that share. It's a red flag, it's sirens, it's frankly too much to ask of anyone

Life involves risk but you are not upping to move with someone who considers your money to be pooled and owned by the two of you. This isn't just a risk, it's a direct sabotage of everything you have built so far

I only work 18 hours at the min, I was going to increase to 30 but I’ll still be quite a lot worse off than I am now.

You need to explain this to him.
Tell him you have been researching it...

Poor Yan79

You came in here to get advice which you got but, sadly, maybe not really what you actually ended up hearing. You must feel you've had the wind knocked out of you.

I think if you had been on your own (no children) this would still have been a risk because of the short time you've been together. With young children, plus a previous abusive relationship, you really need to step back and see all you stand to lose. Your hard-won independence, your emotional and financial security and, more importantly, the emotional and physical security of your children.

There have been so many posts on MN in AIBU and Relationships where things have gone wrong for the women (often with children shared or previous) and they're either trapped or homeless without funds. Have you read any of those threads? Or maybe you won't need to now after the majority of opinions you've had to your OP.

I'm unsure whether you are still planning to go ahead with your plans (I agree with the majority that you should not as you have so much to lose). Some of what you've said:
He’s said that he would make sure I’m ok. I know it’s only his word and I’ve probably been foolish.

Yes, he knows how much I’ll loose. He’s asked me to work full-time but it’s impossible.

Short temper as in shouts easily or gets stressed. Not in a physical way How will that make your children feel? And you when you hear him shout at them? In his house?

Obviously there have been a couple of concerns and that’s why I’ve posted on here.
More than a couple from some of your subsequent posts.

HE doesn’t make me feel scared, not at all.
What I don’t like is that he’s not approachable and he over reacts to any arguments we may have
The regular arguments you are having, in what should be the honeymoon period, should be a red flag for you. Particularly if your children are in earshot.

Generally my kids are very good but like them all they have their moments and he’s pretty intolerant of these at times and this is something that we’ve rowed about twice more recently

I’m doing it because I want to live with him and this seemed to be the only way...I feel VERY foolish now I’ve spoken on here. I honestly don’t think he’d kick me out but I suppose stranger things have happened.
You currently have no legally binding undertaking with him.

I just don’t know what I want anymore.
Please listen to what you've been told here, particularly from those who've been in similar situations and have come off worse.

You have done so well following Your last relationship. Why would you take such a huge risk not only for yourself but also for your children?

Where's the rush?

Why not speak to him before the holiday and be honest with him that you are not yet ready to commit? If not, are you sure you can be yourself with him whilst this is all whirling in your head?

Perhaps get some legal advice discreetly, for yourself or speak to Women's Aid for advice before committing to your current plans.

You've some tough decisions to make. Best wishes. 🌹

I’ve just spoken to him on the phone and he wanted to know why I seemed quiet with him. I didn’t have the guts to tell him over the phone while he was driving. I’ll speak to him later and tell him I’ve been doing a bit of digging re; my rights and financial security. If he looses his shit or shouts or calls it a day then it was never meant to be, was it?!
I just don’t want to ruin our holiday (selfish, I know) x